The kmfm blog with Kirstyn and Webbo

You can now find Kirstyn and Webbo's blog at: http://www.kmfm.co.uk/goto.php?ref=y&sess=+A5D564D191D51+F1843565E+9+B581D1058+E+357+9+25958+F+C42&id=254

Friday, October 8

I do love a hand written letter and they truly are a dying art form, what with all this modern technology malarkey. It seems that a text or an email will suffice with some people but it really is a bit lazy in my eyes. When I do get a written letter sent to me, without being disrespectful, I know the person writing it will be of a certain age, normally 50 plus. It's a proper 'old school' form of communication that should be restored. Now I more than most should know about old school communication because my first job when I left school was a telegram boy for the GPO. My kids find it hysterical that back in the day the way to get a quick message to somebody was to visit your local post office, tell them your message and they would send it to the nearest PO to the recipient via a kind of old fashioned fax machine. I would receive the note, jump on my fizzy-pop 50cc moped and take it by hand to its final destination. Its seems SO antiquated now, but that was cutting edge back then. Mostly I would be delivering good news and happy wishes for birthdays, weddings and anniversary's etc, but sadly, every now and then it would be news of someone's passing which was all very uncomfortable as you can imagine, because for some reason the recipient would for some reason want to open it while you were standing there.

Anyway, back to the letter that had Kirstyn and I welling up with emotion as we read it. It was from a sister to a sister on her birthday and it was beautiful and heartfelt and I believe that can only be achieved via a hand written letter, it adds more poignancy, more than a blooming text or e mail that's for sure.

I got a lot of calls of support from the new regime that has been formed at Ashford Town FC and the arrival of Tony 'Rambo' Reynolds as manager of the soon to be formed team that will represent the Town. We are not exactly sure what league it is we will be in yet, but when we do there will be open trials to ALL local clubs, so if you fancy your chances, watch this space.

Ok my friends, as we all disappear to enjoy our own weekends let me offer you up a couple of things that you are more than welcome to join in with. Firstly and foremost, the delightful, the delectable, the wonderful and indeed beautiful Kirstyn Read will be here to entertain and enthral you with her Essential Eighties Show tonight from 7pm and going on for an extra hour. I on the other hand will be having a few libations in a local hostelry somewhere and then going home to bed for a change, because if you were not aware, I'm resting The Graveyard Shift for the time being.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting yet another public house, namely The Wheel in Westwell. The reason, because we will be officially handing over the cheque to Mrs Stephanie Moore, Bobby's widow and fouder of the Bobby Moore Fund which raises money and awareness for bowel cancer), from the Heather Wynter Cycle for Life bike ride that we did earlier in the year. We will be there from 3pm and anyone who was part of the day or if you are friends and family who supported it, then please do pop down and join the celebrations. This year, the final figure is in excess of £25 grand, well done all concerned and see you down there.

Thursday, October 7

You know what’s coming I can sense it. Yes indeed, it’s Thursday and we all know what that means, the Kentish Express is out, on sale and ready for your perusal and today’s one is an absolute belter. From start to finish, from the front to the back, it’s choc-a-bloc with local stories that you’d be foolish to miss out on. So here in a nutshell are some of the highlights on offer.

Front page is the story of our ‘not so happy camper’ Chris Cooper who has been camped on the grounds of St Mary’s Church in town protesting against its renovation. But since we went to press, the situation has moved on and Chris is no longer there. Under some law or another, the police had to remove him from the property. Chris has vowed to carry on his hunger strike until things are changed. You have to admire his determination and we all hope that it can all be resolved without too much damage being done.

The back page fills my heart with joy as my old mate Tony ‘Rambo’ Reynolds is unveiled as the new Ashford Town manager. I have to admit that I’ve known this for a few weeks but we had to get a few things in place first and it’s been killing me keeping my mouth shut I have to say. When I say WE, I mean the newly formed Ashford Town committee that I’m proud to be part of. Let’s hope that this is the start of something great happening down at Homelands and we can put behind us all the recent hullabaloo.

Inside, if you look carefully enough on page three, you will see a picture of my good self. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then turn to page 8 and all will be revealed.

Also we have the story of Jay’s Pets in Beaver Road being burgled and tortoises, bearded dragons, lizards and a chameleon being taken. Now these animals need to be cared for properly so I do hope this can be sorted out sooner than later and they are returned to their rightful owner. Anyone with information please call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111.

And finally, the story that really rattled our cages, with the headline "Businesses’ anger over plan to charge for street A-boards". This is all about a Kent County Council plan to charge shops £65 to advertise their business with ‘sandwich boards’ (as I call them) outside their establishments. Absolutely ludicrous. Surely in the current climate when we’re trying to encourage people to come to town and spend, we should be trying to do everything possible to get them here and keep them here.

Wednesday, October 6

Ladies and gentlemen, today I offer you Mad Angie's merging game. Now Mad Ange, as she is affectionately known, is an avid listener and very helpful indeed. She decided that it would be interesting to mix and match 'cars' and 'pop artistes' and she was right, it was a great response. Having said that, her example was absolutely rubbish, it was Izuzu and the Banshees, awful. Thankfully yours were so much better and here is my top ten.

10. JEEP purple

9. the VW BEETLES

8. Paul Si-MON-DEO

7. MC HUMMER

6. Ultra-VAUXALL

5. Robbie-RELIANT Williams

4. Alice MINI COOPER

3. COR-TINA Turner

2. LADA Ga Ga

1. Mick JAGUAR

Don't forget now, we're giving away an all inclusive trip to Jamaica this week and it could be you sunning yourself in the Caribbean for just one pound and fifty pence of our English money, plus your standard network rate, terms and conditions can be found on the kmfm website. So for your chance to win this luxury prize at Sandals Whitehouse European Village and Spa Jamaica, just answer this simple question. Where are the 'evenings on the beach' being broadcast from?

A Sandals Whitehouse European Village and Spa Jamaica

B Boots Whitehouse European Village and Spa Jamaica

C Shoes Whitehouse European Village and Spa Jamaica

Simply text the word HOLIDAY your answer A B or C and send it to 87474, lines close Sunday, October 10 at 11.59pm and the winner announced on Thursday, October 14. Good luck and if you are struggling to find someone to take, I'm free anytime you fancy.

Monday, October 2

There was general devastation and despair on Friday night when the weather took its toll on the Stuart White Memorial Match. It is such a shame as so many people had come from far a field to take part and support it. Plus I must apologise to any of you that turned up as well, as it happened at the last minute and there was no way of letting you know in time. I did get Kirstyn to mention it on her Essential Eighties Show, but it was probably too late. It wasn't just the weather that put a dampener on the proceedings, to rub salt in to the wounds, there was a blooming power cut so we couldn't even put on the disco. So once again my utmost apologies to you all and I hope you can make it next time. But like the troopers we are, we made our way down to The Queens Head to have a couple of libations. My hat comes off to Del and his lovely wife who run the pub, for dealing with the situation of forty people turning up at once and also having no electricity. But he put the candles out and made the best of a bad job, fair play.

My Saturday morning and indeed afternoon was spent watching football, no change there then. First off it was down to Homewood School to watch my Charlie play for the Norton Knatchbull, a very feisty game indeed with both teams putting their all in to every tackle, and that's putting it mildly. Then on to the bullet train and down to watch my boys take on Fulham, ironically enough they were both 1-1 draws.

Now here is a shocker for you, guess what Kirstyn Read off the radio did at the weekend? No. before you start it has nothing to do with her dog Cash or her son Jack. Yes, you are right, it was to do with weddings and once again she was off at yet another wedding fayre. I have no idea what on earth happens at a wedding fayre and to be honest I have no interest in finding out. I can't think of a worse way of spending your time than looking at wedding stuff. Ok, I can think of a few things worse, but that's not the point.

The Monday Morning Surgery had quite a few patients in today with some gripes and groans and indeed some mopes and moans and most of them about my absence from my Graveyard Shift slot. My deepest apologies to all of my fellow insomniacs, but we all have to move on and I have had a good run, eight months in all. Thanks to all seven of you for listening (I'm sure there were a few more, but I only had 7 complaints) and who knows what will happen next.

Friday, October 1

I've had a little change of direction on my wake up with Webbo hour, so instead of the classic Phone-In Friday, which it has to be said has served me well to date, I've tweeked it to become The Friday Plug. Basically it's exactly the same but with a quirkier title. I still urge you to call up and still ask you to give me anything you want to be said out loud via the miracle of the wireless. It went very well for the inaugural outing and I was rather pleased with the results.

Had a really bad sleep last night and couldn't for the life of me work out why as normally I'm out of it as soon as my head hits the pillow, especially as I didn't get my mid afternoon sabbatical. Then it dawned on me! I took my son Charlie down to Faversham FC last night as he was playing for the Gillingham under 16s versus a Kent team. Because I was driving for a change, I thought I'd have a coffee to keep me awake while I was watching. Because it would normally be a beer I'd be enjoying, I ended up guzzling the coffee and looking back, I must have had about six cups, no small wonder that I was completely wired and ended up watching inane TV into the early hours, that'll learn me (look, I know 'that'll learn me' isn't grammatically correct, but that's what I say, ok, and you know what I mean).

It's a full weekend of activities and my weekend begins (if the weather holds out of course) at Homelands, the home of Ashford Town FC. It's the Stuart White Memorial Match, ko at 7pm followed by my Dusty's Disco. But I do have some very bad news for you ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and I'm really not sure how to put this. Its best if I just cut to the chase, the Graveyard Shift is no more. That's right, you heard me, no more weekend overnights. Myself and Ben 'guitar face' Watson are hanging up our headphones after exactly eight months keeping you entertained (and I use that word loosely). I am very sad about it and it will take a while for it to really recover from the loss, but it will also be nice to get back to a normal weekend,

Kirstyn Read however has seemed to gain an extra hour on her show, I know, where's the logic? Having said that, it is a fantastic show; we all love a bit of the 80s don't we? And tonight you have even more reason to listen as she is giving away 6 pairs of tickets to see Level 42 at Margate's Winter Gardens.

Have an amazing weekend my dear friends and I miss you already.

 Thursday, September 30

I don't particularly care for surveys because, well, just because really. Today's survey was brought up by our very own newsroom and it was all about what women want from their perfect man and what a load a tosh it is. Apparently, it would turn out you lot (I'm aiming this in the direction of 'the fairer sex') want a man to fill up their car with petrol and look after them when they have a hangover. My goodness me, if only it was that easy to keep you lot happy, it would be worth the forty quid a week to fill up and even getting up early and making a nice cuppa.

The Kentish Express, as fantastic as it indeed is, had to take a little bit of a backseat (kind of) today because there is one story and one story only that is dominating and took over the last hour and a half of the show. I am of course talking about Chris Cooper's one-man stand against the proposed building work taking place at the church in Town. There is of course a complete and thorough write up in today's paper, but let me put it in a nutshell for you. The church itself and the council want to turn it into an Arts Centre/church, but there is of course the other side of the coin and there are many disgruntled people up in arms at what is happening. So, in true question time fashion we open up the debate and let you crack on with it. After a bit a ping-pong discussion we decide to go to the horses mouth and find out what, why, when, who and all those kind of questions. I decide to take my bike with me so I don't miss too much of the show (it's nothing to do with my laziness, honest) and head down to the church. Chris certainly is very well versed on the situation and done an incredible amount of research. He is also a very good wordsmith, so he got his point across very well with great verve and passion. It's not for Kirstyn and I to get too heavily involved as we are merely the referees and don't want to thrust our views down your necks, that wouldn't be fair or just. But I have to say, I do see his point, but I'll leave it there.

My merging game had the quality but not the quantity today, so I'll give you a top 5. It was thanks to a 13 year old girl called Katie from the John Wallis Academy who sent in things youd find in a bakers shop and pop songs and started it off with Elton John's 'Are you B-read-y for love?'

5. FL-our house (Madness)

4. Put a ME-ring-UE on it (Beyonce)

3. jumping FLAP-jack flash

2. BUN love (Marley)

1. Let's BAGGUETTE ready to rumble (Ant and Dec)Wednesday

September 29

It's Wake up with Webbo Wednesday which I think has a certain ring to it, don't you? Theres no rhyme nor reason for this title, nor come to think of it any substance, it just has a ring to it, enough said. Sadly the first hour was rather overtaken with the lorry fire on the M20 and its repercussions.

Some how we ended up talking about take-aways. If I'm honest I never quite understand how on earth we end up talking about half the stuff we do. I think Kirstyn started banging on about her son Jack and Chinese take outs. It got me thinking about when I was a kid we only had your good old fashioned fish and chips. In my family it was a Friday night only as a special treat for us all, in particular my Mum as it gave her a day off from cooking as per every other day of the week. Friday's while we're at it was also confectionary day and we had a bar of chocolate after our rock and chips, how I loved Friday's. Today of course we have many fast food establishments to add to every possible choice of take away food from around the world. Honestly, kids today don't know they are born.

Chris Cooper's camp-in at the church in Town continues and it's the talk of the county. I'm going to pop down and visit him later on and see if he fancies a bit of an on-air chat tomorrow during the show.

We did a garden make-over prize earlier in the year with Yvla Blid-McKenzie from Madrona Nurseries and she popped in to see us to tell us how it came to fruition. The lucky recipients of the prize were a lovely couple called Karen and Ed. Kirstyn and I popped over to see the finished garden the other day for two reasons. One, because we're very professional and like to know what we are talking about on air. But mainly, because we had another photo opportunity and a chance to get in tomorrows Kentish Express, we do love a picture in the paper. Anyway, if you would like to see the garden then you can log on to the kmfm website, the KE website or Madrona.co.uk

Don't forget the Ashford Town Academy team will be playing at Homelands tonight, I'll see you down there for a 7.30pm kick off.

Tuesday, September 28

I do love it when, on the news, we grab the main headline and it's happening right now, as we speak. Chris Cooper is taking a stand. St. Mary's Church in the Town centre is under threat and he's having none of it. In their infinite wisdom they have decided to turn it into arts centre, literally throwing away hundreds of years worth of history in one fell swoop. Chris's peaceful protest involves him camping out on the church grounds and is refusing to budge. There is a massive sense of irony in this as Chris is a bell ringer for the church or in other words a campanologist. You see, he's camping out and he's a campanologist, is that irony? I've just run down to our news desk to tell them what the headline in the paper should be; He's not such a happy camper-nologist. I know, I'm good!

Okey dokey everyone, the sponsor forms and signing on forms are now officially in place for The KMFM Conga for the Kids and I don't want you missing out. So you can pick them up from, The Albion, The William Harvey, The Hooden on the Hill, The White Horse, The Blacksmiths, The Windmill, The Star, The George and from our reception area. We are having a little pub crawl around the aforementioned pubs and then conga-ing up East Hill into The George, wearing hats, to break a world record and raise a shed load of cash for the charity Find a Voice. I'm hoping for at least two hundred but would love four, so come on you conga lovers.

Two more heads-ups, tomorrow at Homelands the Academy take on Welling under the lights, 7.30pm ko and then the old boys will have a go on Friday. It's the Stuart White Memorial Match and we will ko at 7.00pm and after that it's my disco.

Right, got to go because Simon from IT tells me that I'm infected and he needs to nuke my computer, I've got no idea what he's banging on about but thought I better do what he says.

Monday, September 27

What a weekend people, it's been one of my favourites of the year so far I have to say. First off, my Ska and Reggae night at Utopia went down very well if I say so myself. We got what can only be called a full house, which is great. But the thing you have to do then is keep them there. You don't want then wandering off to find a different vibe, but I think we achieved our goal. This is mainly down to MC Mooro and Ben 'guitar face' Watson for keeping the music going and my job was basically leading the dancing although most of you didn't need much encouragement.

Saturday I was at The Boleyn Ground to watch my beloved West Ham take on the mighty Spurs and somehow, and I'm still not exactly sure, we managed to beat them, what a laugh. I was SO excited that I forgot to get the train home but do remember finding a great pub with some very like minded people who it would seem had also forgot to get the train home and some had even forgotten where they lived.

The highlight of the show had to be the can of worms Kirstyn opened that got an almighty reaction. It was all to do with this government watchdog petition that would allow obese people and smokers to be paid for dieting or giving up the weed respectively. What a load of old nonsense. So we stuck the cat amongst the pigeons and just let you lot get on with it and the general outcome was what we expected. If you choose to smoke, then surely it's down to the individual to correct the situation and the same goes for dieting. How on earth can they expect the tax payer to reward others, when perhaps THEY have managed to keep themselves in shape. And how can you monitor the situation. For instance, if you were being paid a pound for every pound lost, would you have to repay that sum if you re-gained it? The same for smoking, you get paid some dosh, give up and then two years later you've started again. We do love a healthy debate (excuse the pun) and this one really took off. I'm thinking a good old heated debate every day might just take the pressure off of Kirstyn and I rowing.

Friday, September 24

What can I say, are there any words that can justify the fact that I've not been blogging over the last couple of days? I do have a very legitimate reason, honest, but words are cheap and you lot deserve more than that, so I'll save my time and yours and just move on. If I'm honest, you haven't missed much, oh apart from the meeting we had on Wednesday. Kirstyn and I were pretty convinced that it was 'the final curtain' and we would be receiving our cards. Call it paranoia if you will, but as I've said on many occasions, just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you. As it happens, we were being completely paranoid and all the boss wanted was a chat about technical things. It went over my head, but I've still got a job so that's ok.

So, tonight is a busy one again, in fact the entire weekend is pretty full on, let me take you through it slowly but surely. Tonight ladies and gentlemen I will be unveiling my brand spanking new disco to the masses. Hot on the heels of my Dusty's Years Disco, is the Ultimate Ska and Reggae Extravaganza at Utopia. I'll be there from 8.30ish with me ol' mate MC Mooro getting you in the mood with some background music and then launching into some hard core reggae, ska and then bringing to the stage Ben 'guitar face' Watson from the Graveyard Shift. After that we will hit you with the sounds of Two Tone and then finish the night off with the 'extravaganza' part of the show where we really mix it up with some classic tunes of the genre. Once that's done I'm back in for my overnights show. If that's not your thing or your just not going out tonight then listen in to Kirstyn Read's Essential Eighties Show, which I think should be a lot longer. Don't worry, I'll have a word and see what I can do.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, whatever you are doing and if any of you are getting the quarter to twelve fast train to London tomorrow, I'll see you on board because I'm heading down to Upton Park to watch The Hammers take on Spurs. Come on you Irons!

Tuesday, September 21

I'm so sorry, I feel I have to apologise as it would seem I have been rather remiss in publishing my merging game recently. So let me rectify that immediately and give you today's, which happens to be local businesses and pop songs.

10. Tom's DOWNTOWN diner (Suzanne Vega)

9. Love on the ROCKYS ( Neil Diamond)

8. Living in a CHOCOLATE-box (Living in a box)

7. Champagne SUPER-DRUG nova (Oasis)

6. P-EARLS a singer (Elkie Brooks)

5. Black and GOLD-RUSH (Sam Sparro)

4. Welcome HOME-PLUS (Peter's and Lee)

3. Can't get you out of my HEDLEYS (Kylie Minogue)

2. Simply the BOOKER AND BEST

1. Everybody wants to rule the CINE-WORLD

Other interesting snippets that came out of today's probable Sony award winning show were as follows.

We talked up a local wrestling experience that you can win through this weeks Fun Club in the Kentish Express Fun Club, which is always a good chance to chat about some of our local legends of the wrestling ring from back in the day. Which of course includes Mr. Basil 'Romany' Riley, Billy Boy Beaney, and Danny and Butch Lynch. It also gives me the chance to do my impression, something along the lines of 'ask him ref, come on ask him, referee, ask him'. I must admit, it's more of a vocal thing, doesn't work so well using the art of the written word.

We talked of embarrassing kids questions and also questions we should be able to answer but sadly can't. For instance, Kirstyn's son Jack asked this morning 'why do we have fog?'. Unfortunately, she was unable to explain, but then again, nor could I.

Next was things people don't clean anymore. In fairness we only came up with one, which was your doorstep.

And finally, why is it that when somebody is a bit poorly with a bug a cold, people always say "oh yeah, there's a lot of it going around?"

Monday, September 20

It's the Monday Morning Surgery open for business as always and thanks for all your support. I'm here for you between 6 and 7 for your gripes and groans, your mopes and moans and of course if you just want to celebrate life, which with you lot is generally the case.

The right result service was very diverse and widespread today which ranged from rugby and football, to ladies hockey and cycling. It's one of our most popular features it has to be said, but it's not all about the sports when it comes to having a right result you know. We had an engagement, a pregnancy, a wedding and a 27Ilb carp caught.

On a personal level, Kirstyn and I had a great time down at the official opening of the Iron Fist martial arts centre on the Cobbs Wood Industrial Estate. I was slightly concerned that I might be dragged in to the ring for some sparring after my comments on Friday, when I basically said that I would show a 7 Dan Black Belt some of my moves, I'm such an idiot. I just about got away with it by feigning injury but did have to pose for a picture that will embarrass me no end. My Friday night Dusty's Disco proved to be rather popular again. It's nothing to do with me I have to admit, it's all about the music as there are so many disenfranchised 30 and 40 year olds who just want to go out and have a dance to the classics of the late 70s and early 80s. This week however I will be appearing at Utopia and doing a Ska and Reggae extravaganza.

Thursday, September 16

What a great night it was for me yesterday, on a personal level of course and yes, I know, it's not all about me. It started rather badly as I turned up at The North School with plenty of time to change for the 7.20 kick off, which turned out to actually be a 7.00 o/c kick off. So we rushed into our kits, convincing our very injured goalkeeper (who had only turned up to watch and support) to put a kit on as well and join us. Poor bloke, he hasn't worked for a month and we make him put his career at risk for a game of footy. Anyway, we start the game still a player down and try to hang on without conceding until our other player turns up. We manage to keep it respectable and after approximately six minutes he arrives and we're only one down. We go on to win the game 3-1 and I even managed to 'notch' one myself. So, one task down and onto the next one which was a trip down to Homelands. The newly formed Ashford Town FC Academy were playing their first competitive match and it was very well supported, although we'd always welcome more and if they carry on playing football like they did last night the crowds will turn up. Sadly they lost the game 2-1 due to debatable last minute penalty, but the style with which they played was the winner and bodes well for the future of the Nuts and Bolts. Congratulations to all involved and just keep it going, also well done to my old mate Mark Patterson who has coached the lads to a very high standard.

It's Thursday which means one thing and one thing only, you guessed it, Kentish Express review day and today's paper must surely win an award as it is heaving with goodness and wonderment. The front page features a story about anglers and how they try to make up for their, let's say inadequate man parts, by fishing with their long rods. It was started by a group who are anti animal cruelty, apparently. Our local celebrity Paul O'Grady is in there extolling the virtues of living in Aldington and how he convinced his friend Julian Clary to move down to this neck of the woods. So much in there that I can't even begin to do it justice, so just go and buy one instead of me banging on about it. Plus there is my column of course, which this week discusses the whole Mars and Venus issue of us men and the fairer sex.

And finally Kirstyn reads a survey in the papers today that reveals that men are more attractive in their forties than any other age. To be honest, I kind of knew this anyway, but it was nice to have it confirmed. They don't call me a hell raising womanizer for nothing you know. Actually, come to think of it, they don't call me that at all.

Wednesday, September 15

LOCK ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO was the headline that greeted a lot of you this morning in a certain tabloid newspaper. I have to admit that when I heard about Mr. George Michael being banged up for his drug-related driving mishap, I too was trying to come up with my own headline and that one was as good as it got. But if you do have a better one, and keep it clean, then drop me a line via my e mail jwebster@kmfm.co.uk The other thing I thought about was how on earth I was going to avoid an argument with Kirstyn about it. She was obviously going to defend him to the hilt as she is such a big fan. Fortunately, we managed to skip around it all morning, on air I hasten to add. Off air it all kicked off as I can not condone that kind of behaviour, whoever it is.

Two football heads ups for you concerning Ashford Town FC youth. First up, I urge you all to make your way down to Homelands tonight and cheer on the newly formed Academy team as they play their first competitive match against Burgess Hill. KO is 7.30pm and it will be great to se an Ashford Town team playing at Homelands again and they could do with your support. Its three quid to get in and the bar will be open for refreshments. Secondly, the youth team (under 18s) are in need of a goalkeeper as blooming Hythe have poached theirs and the Academy have a long term injury. So if you are under the age of 18 and fancy playing for your home Town club then get in touch with Martin at rose973@btinternet.com or just drop me a line and I'll pass it on.

And as a foot note, at exactly 8am this morning we were half way through the show, as we were halfway through the week (Wednesday) on the 15th which is halfway through the month. Alright, I know it's a bit dull but I thought I'd mention it.

Tuesday, September 14

Okay, so just after we've done all the 'good luck' messages to all the new school starters, it's now time to wish all the 11 plusers 'good luck' as they start their examinations. It's an interesting day, not just for the kids taking the Kent Test, but also the long suffering parents who will be sitting there worrying for the whole day, every minute feeling like an hour. And of course, you don't know the outcome for months anyway and that wait feels like years, trust me, been there done that.

So excuse me for a moment while I indulge myself in a bit of footy chatter. Firstly, I was overwhelmed to get a text asking me to turn out tomorrow night for my 5-a-side team. Now don't get me wrong, I can hold my own (so to speak) even at my age, and I have been a regular for the last year. But my team won 6-1 last week without me and my replacement scored all six goals, so I thought that was it, time to hang up my boots, again. The only thing that I can assume has happened is that either there are many injuries or holidays. Whatever the situation, I'm very thankful and hope to make the most of it as I enter the last chance saloon.

Secondly on the football front I need to give you a heads up about a match I'm participating in at The Homelands on Friday October 1, ko @ 7pm. It's a memorial match for Stuart White who was sadly taken from us earlier in the year in a tragic accident, long before his time. Stuart will be remembered by many Ashford Town FC fans as he was a great servant of the club. He also plied his trade at Welling Town which is why they will be bringing down an elite team run by Tony Reynolds, to take on an Ashford elite team led by Paul Chambers under the lights at Homelands. It promises to be a great night as well as an emotional affair. If you want to be part of it, then turn up on the night, hand over your four quid and you're in. Plus, as an extra bonus, I will be doing my Dusty's Years Disco and that's three pound to get in. All monies raised will be going to Stuart's widow Carolyn's chosen charities which are The Kasisi Orphanage Lusaka in South Africa, where Stuart used to work, and Breast Cancer Care. Please to try to attend and turn it into a very special night. For more information then either ring Gazza on 07850 747 198 or check out the website http://www.ashfordcharityfunds.co.uk/

Monday, September 13

I have met a man that has probably changed my life forever, he has had such an impact on me, that I don't think I will ever be the same again, more of him later.

Val from Tenterden started an interesting debate this morning as she rang in to The Monday Morning Surgery to tell me how she had been into Ashford three times in three days to hit the shops. Now if you remember, on Friday we had a whole Venus and Mars discussion about us boys loving our cars and girls not really caring about them at all, as long as they like the colour. So Val opened up the can of worms again, because on the whole, I think boys hate the idea of going shopping for any length of time. When it comes to buying clothes, I know how much you girls love to have a rummage around and try a few things on. We, on the other hand, just go to the shop that we know will have the required piece of attire and just purchase it, there and then, no messing. If you walk around Town Centres you can see it with your own eyes, men dragging their feet 10 yards behind their partners, hands in pockets looking as if the world is about to end. Or they'll be standing outside the shop that their wives are in, having a fag or texting a mate, anything to relieve the boredom of it all. So what can we do, well, Sharon and Dave came up with one of the best idea I have ever heard, ever, a pub creche. It's flipping genius, you simply go to the town of your choice and park up, then drop off your husband/boyfriend at a hostellery that has the sports channels showing on a massive screen and have plenty of beer in stock and leave them to it. The girls poddle off without a care in the world, take as long as they like and pick up the men when they're good and ready, it's the future.

Ok back to the man who changed my life, his name is Adrian and I will never forget him. I took my ravaged bike (my teenage son had borrowed it) to the cycle clinic in town on Friday and Adrian went to work. He even suggested I go to the pub for a bit whilst he gets to work on it, what a dude. An hour later I returned (I got chatting, you know what it's like) to find what looked like a brand new bike. He'd given it two new inner tubes, fixed my back brake, tweaked the gears AND gave me two brand spanking new tyres. But not just any old tyres, they are not a copy of my 'mountain bike' tyres, no, they are a smooth grip and that's what has made all the difference. They make you go faster and smoother and it's like a dream ride. I actually glided up East Hill this morning as I rode to work for the first time in years. Normally, by the time I get to the top it feels as if my chest will explode but with my brand new tyres, I could have gone back down and back up again. Adrian, if you are reading this, thankyou, you are a God amongst men.

Friday, September 10

The show was completely dominated by cars this morning and led to much hilarity. It all started very innocently when Kirstyn read out a survey from the paper which stated that celebrities endorsements on cars doesn't work, fair point. Although I slightly disagreed because one of the main reasons for me buying my Capri, was that Dennis Waterman used to drive one in my favourite programme Minder. It wasn't actually my first car that was an Escort (Wayne Rooney's favourite car) Mk 1, followed very swiftly (because the engine blew up after a week) by a Hillman Hunter. Kirstyn then joined in by saying that she too had an Escort but had no idea what style or type, although she did know it was brown. This is where the whole Venus and Mars thing kicked in because lads always know exactly what model of what car they had and will list them in order from first car to current car. Girls just don't have that ability and will just generally tell you what it was like inside and the colour.

So the debate was now in full flow and we took about 20 calls and had many texts as we strolled back down Memory Lane again. I have to admit, we did have a few women who knew make and model, but they were definitely in the minority. One lady said that for years, she had no idea what the 'choke' knob was there for, so she would just hang her handbag on it. Then we had a text from a lady saying she had a green allegro, but when Kirstyn read out the text she actually called it an aleegro, to my immense amusement. But she hadn't finished there, when Dave called in to say his first was a classic Hillman Imp. She didn't quite hear him correctly and called it a Hillman Himp. Oh how we laughed, well I did anyway.

It was one of those days for my dear friend and colleague, because the first link was all to do with how tired she felt and how much she loved her bed. She went on to say how comfortable her bed was and if you didn't believe her, then are listeners were more than welcome to go round and try it out. You see in my head, that all sounded wrong, but to Kirst offering up to people to try her bed out was quite natural, perhaps it's the way my mind works. Needless to say there was a few enquiries from some of our male listeners and one female as it goes, I'll leave it there.

So, the weekend is upon us and I truly hope that you get out of yours all you desire. Don't forget, Kirstyn is back tonight from 7 for her brilliant Essential Eighties and I am back after her and Bob Mower at 1am for The Graveyard Shift with Ben 'guitar face' Watson.

Thursday, September 9

We do like to get a guest on the show, we really do. We'd not had one for absolutely ages so we thought, 'we've not had a guest on in ages' and then we thought, 'let's get a guest on'. But not any old guest, no no, far from it, we got on Spencer Morgan who is the project coordinator for the Ashford Cycle Challenge. Basically it's an promotion to get people on their bikes more and we for two, agree whole-heartedly. So much so in fact, that tomorrow Kirstyn and I will be pedaling in to work in support of the whole scheme. It should be very interesting indeed and I'm starting a sweepstake to see how late she will be tomorrow. I mean, she cuts it fine at the best of times when she's driving in, so goodness knows what will happen. Personally, I'm going to have to push mine because I have a puncture, but that's ok because there is a cycle 'clinic' in town tomorrow, on the bandstand, where they fix bikes and all for free. So come on Ashford, Tenterden and indeed the surrounding areas, let's get cycling.

It's Kentish Express Thursday Day and oh how we love to celebrate that fact. Sadly though our award winning chief editor Sir Robert Barman couldn't make it today, he was probably being knighted again, so Kirstyn and I had to do the review on our own, without arguing, which is tough it has to be said. The stick out story for me was of a 14 year old life saving hero Sam Ballantyne. His poor cousin went over the handlebars of his bike and suffered some terrible injuries, but quick thinking Sam put him in the recovery position before calling for the ambulance.

My merge clue today was The Madness of King George and the answer was films and pop groups, over to you lot.

10. Take THAT'LL BE THE DAY

9. MEN IN BLACK Sabbath

8. WILLY WONKA AND THE hot CHOCOLATE FACTORY

7. THE west-LIFE OF BRIAN

6. THE TRUMAN SHOW-waddy waddy

5. THE HUNT FOR simply RED OCTOBER

4. J-EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

3. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST-ie boys

2. THE CANNONBALL RUN DMC

1. EARTH WIND AND mrs doubt-FIRE

Wednesday, September 6

More kids starting school today, mainly the reception year, which as we've already discussed, the cutest age in the world, bless them. It's obviously an emotional day for the parents as they send their offspring out into the big wide world, looking all smart in there freshly purchased uniform which is generally oversized (a bit of room to grow as my Mum would say). And carrying on their backs a rucksack which is normally as big as they are and they look as if they will tumble over at any second under the immense strain. So loads of good luck messages to the little 'noodles' as Kirstyn calls them.

I have a massive dilemma hanging over my head like a big black cloud. Tonight I'm supposed to be walking the route for the KMFM Conga for the Kids, just to get the timings right and have a chat with our hosts, but it looks as if the big black cloud that I was talking about is hanging around all day and we are going to get a right royal soaking. On top of that, the manager of my 5-a-side team rang to say that the league starts tonight and can I play. Oh what to do? After much discussion and input from our listeners, I have now leant towards the planned walk and football, for the first time in my life, will have to take a back seat.

Kirstyn for some reason or another, decided that today she would give me a good old fashioned verbal 'going over' and gave my whole demeanor a character assassination. It started with her digging me out about my hearing and not being able to hear the phone calls properly. But it didn't stop there, she moved quickly on to the reason for it, which she thought may have something to do with the hairs I have acquired in the ear area. She then went on to talk about the bald patch I have been growing on the back of my head, or a 'double crown' as my Mum calls it. As if that wasn't enough and talk about kicking a man when he's down, she moved on to my man boobs, or MOOBS as she refers to them. Honestly, I walked out of the studio slightly hunched over in despair and near to tears, how much can a man take.

Tuesday, September 5

When it comes to THE MERGE you lot really do come into your own and today was no different, in fact you were better than ever if I say so myself. I gave you a clue which today was, 'Somewhere over the rainbow'. Some great guesses and all correct in their own way, but none hit the mark. It was simply TV shows and bands. You see, Rainbow at the end, did I have to explain? The groups will be in capitals.

10. The BACKSTREET BOYS-from the blackstuff

9. TAKE THAT-s life

8. WEST-LIFE on Mars

7. Who wants to be a million-AEROSMITH

6. THE coronation STREETS

5. SIMPLY RED dwarf

4. Aufwiedersehen-PET SHOP BOYS

3. The one SHOW-WADDYWADDY

2. Man about the HOUSE-MARTINS

1. The six million dollar-MAN-FRED-MAN from-UNCLE KRACKER-jack. 3 TV shows and two groups, it had to be the winner didn't it?

A time to stroll down memory lane with some great anecdotes about football times gone past. The famous institution that is Dynamo FC are holding their 50 anniversary and the local legend that is Ted Revell needs to know if you are coming or not. There must be millions of you that have passed through their ranks, so it should be a good night, I'm hoping for an invite myself, not that I ever turned out for them, I was loyal to my Fox Sunday FC for 28 years, but I obviously played against them many times. If you need to find out more, call Ted on 07775 088 048.

Sorry, just realized, how could I have left out Kerry's 'Any dream will do-OBY BROTHERS'.

Monday, September 4

The Monday morning surgery was once again open for business for your gripes and groans, for your mopes and moans or if you just want to celebrate life. Today, the surgery couldn't have been more apt as I took a phone call from Kate Camier, mother of our local sporting legend Leon. Now, if you are not aware, then Leon Camier is our very own super Superbike champion. But unfortunately, whilst practicing on Friday he had a bit of a spill (now you have to remember that these bikes travel at over 130 mph) and hurt himself. Fortunately, he only broke a bone in his wrist and got a bit of a hole in the knee, but he's a tough lad. We wish him all the best with the operation for today, get well soon.

Finally, the local football league has kicked off and it's back to our 'right result' service for a Monday morning. But it's not all about football or indeed sport, it can be any 'right result'. For instance, we had a lot of weddings and two young ladies who discovered that they are 'in the family' over the weekend, so many congratulations.

Kirstyn's weekend was taken up with weddings basically. First of all she was working the tables (she was waitressing I must point out, not dancing) on Saturday, helping out a friend who has her own catering company. The bonus was she knew the father of the groom and a lot of the people in attendance, so had a whale of a time and of course got all emotional. Then Sunday, she was off with her friend to wedding fayres, honestly she's a glutton for it.

Plus, the rest of the schools that didn't go back last week were all in today and so we spent quite a lot of time giving out best wishes. There were lots of year 'reception' starting today which has to be the cutest year. In fact if it all goes wrong in this career I think I might look at taking it up for a living, especially after watching Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop on Sunday afternoon.

Friday, September 3

I had no time yesterday to give you the merging game and I can’t apologise enough, although I could have a very good go, let’s see. What can I say, I’m so so sorry, I feel as if I’ve let you down, please accept my heartfelt apologies. How was that, any good? Oh well on with the merge and the clue I gave you was Waterloo Road, and nobody got it. Then I gave you The One Show, still no guesses, what’s up with you lot. Surely it was obvious that it was TV programmes merged with something and if you look you’ll see Waterloo (ABBA) and One (U2), hence TV shows and pop songs, with the pop songs in bold.

10. WONDERFUL tomorrows WORLD

9. Only fools and CRAZY HORSES

8. Little HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN on the prairie

7. Match of the DAY DREAM BELIEVER

6. Last of the summer RED RED WINE

5. THE CLUB IS ALIVE and KICKING

4. South PARK LIFE the movie

3. Bulls-EYE OF THE TIGER

2. Darlin buds of MAGGIE MAY

1. DOCTOR DOCTOR who do you think you ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT (that’s two shows and two songs, nice one Benno)

Things to check out this very weekend include, of course, my Dusty’s Years Disco at Sandyacre in Sandyhurst Lane, would love to see you. The Rugby Club Beer and Music Festival, which is on all weekend and starts tonight.

Kirstyn has her Essential Eighties show tonight at 7pm until 10pm followed by my dear friend Mr Bob Mower and then it’s me and Ben ‘guitar face’ Watson from 1am and then again from midnight, that night. I know, I don’t stop do I?

Have an incredible weekend and if I don’t bump in to you somewhere around Ashford, then I’ll see you Monday morning, bright and early for the ‘Wake up With Webbo’ hour for more of the same.

Thursday, September 2

I will give you today’s merging game tomorrow if that’s okay with you, because there is so much to write about today. But do make sure that you read it because it’s an absolute beauty.

The show was rather overtaken by all the good luck wishes going out to the kids going back to school. It’s such a memorable time that never goes from the memory so I hope they all enjoy the experience. My little angel is joining the North School and couldn’t be more excited so I hope she comes home feeling the same way.

Of course, as it’s Thursday it means one thing and one thing only, that’s right it’s Kentish Express review day and we welcome to the studio editor in chief, the award winning Sir Robert Barman. Ok, he isn’t actually a Sir and to my knowledge hasn’t won an award but it won’t be long, trust me. There are a million things to discuss frankly, but I don’t want to spoil a very good read, so pop off to your local newsagent and purchase one for only eighty English pence. Trust me, it’s the best 80p you’ll ever spend. What I think we excel at in particular, are our photographs. This week we’re covering quite extensively, the Aldington soapbox derby. My favourite has to be the armchair, with a pouffe in front of it and a cup of tea on a tray resting on it. Very clever.

Also we recognise some more amazing GCSE results and one in particular. Millie Bishop has passed her Spanish exam with flying colours and the tender age of, wait for it, ten. I have a feeling that this young lady is going places.

Here is a bit of a heads up for something I am organising with a local charity called Find A Voice. I thought it would be a rather splendid idea to arrange a gigantic conga from pub to pub. It’s a win win situation as we are going to have the best fun doing it and raise a shedload of cash in the process. And to top it all off, we could even break a world record as we are putting a little bit of a twist on it. I will be giving out details very soon as well as the route we are taking.

Wednesday, September 1

Another lucky winner to join me on Friday night at The Dusty's Disco night at Sandyacres. No question today, all you had to say was 'pick me, pick me', so many congratulations Gary and see you there for a bot of Jingo and oops upside your head.

The merge was back and I started you off with JERRY McQUIRE and the pacemakers, that's right ladies and gentlemen, it's films and pop artists, so over to you lot.

10. ROMANCING THE STONE roses

9. KARATE KID rock

8. Cool HAND LUKE and the gang

7. RUN FAT-boy slim RUN

6. THE WIZARD OF OZ-zy Osbourne

5. 3 MEN AND A LITTLE LADY gag a

4. RETURN OF THE pink PANTHER

3. Sandy Shaw-SHANK REDEMPTION

2. THE GOD-FATHER Abrahams and the smurfs

1. CADDYSHACK-a Khan

We had a little bit of fun with Lucozade (other brands of soda are available) and our memories of fizzy drinks. Kirstyn was a big Vimto fan, where I on the other hand preferred Cream Soda. But the opinion that we did share, was that we were only allowed original Lucozade when we were a bit poorly and it definitely made you feel better. It's a bit like soup, we only ever had soup in our house when we weren't feeling well, that and dry bread to dunk.

It's that time of year when the Ashford Rugby Club holds its Music and Beer Festival (what a combination) and this year is no exception let me tell you. If you have never been, then where on earth have you been? It's situated down Canterbury Road on the right, just after the old Bybrook Tavern (which is now a hotel) as you leave town, or, just on your left before the Tavern, if you are going towards Town, makes sense I suppose. For more information then give my old mate Steve a call on 07832 986 823, or log on to the website ashford-beer-festival

Tuesday, August 31

Hi everyone, welcome back and I trust your extended weekends have been everything that you craved. But before I carry on, I've got something to tell you that's going to be quite tough: Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead.

Anyway, moving on! My weekend was rather subdued as it happens and there aren't a great deal of highlights to enthrall you with. I was up town on Saturday afternoon to watch the firemen literally run up and down ladders in a world record attempt. They not only achieved it, they blooming well smashed it out of sight. They climbed, over the course of eight hours, the equivalent of climbing Mount Everest four and a half times. Gentlemen, we doff our imaginary caps in your general direction.

More heroes were at Aldington on Monday, for The Soap Box Derby as a load of nutters, in hand-made go-karts launched themselves down Forge Lane (a very steep hill) getting up to speeds of 45mph, barking mad the lot of them. But it was all in a good cause, so lets just doff our caps once again.

Kirstyn's highlight, bless her, was a game of Bingo in Town on Saturday night. She really does need to get out a bit more if she is going to meet this husband that she requires if she wants to walk up the aisle, which you may have heard her mention once or forty times recently.

Our fellow broadcaster Si Kennet informs us that he will be tying the knot next year, he's a lovely guy and wish him all the best. He then informs us where it's taking place, which is when I spat out my tea and had a fit of the giggles. The place he has chose is a pub near Canterbury called, wait for it, The Dog Inn. Is it just me or is that not the greatest pub name in the world. I wonder how big the car park is?

Started with a little competition this morning to win tickets to my Dusty's Years Disco this Friday the 3rd at Sandyacres in Sandyhurst Lane. They are only 3 quid a ticket, but I'm giving you the chance to win four every morning this week. Today it was Shiela, so congratulations on answering the very tough question I set her. It was one of favourite groups from the Dusty's era was Earth, Wind and ...who? Was it A) Dismiss B) Sack or C) Fire? Can you see what I did there, hysterical I know.

Friday, August 27

 

My deepest apologies to my ‘mergers’ out there, who were very quick to remind me after yesterday’s blog, that I had overlooked putting the top ten in. Oooh, get you lot!!

So, here it is, a day late but in all its glory. I gave you a little clue, which was Emmerdale, but none of you got it right, sadly. You got the TV programme bit, but failed to notice there was a film in there as well, namely Emma (a costume drama starring Gwyneth Paltrow), so, films and TV programmes it is.

10. MATCH OF THE DAY-after tomorrow

9. The Birds OF A FEATHER

8. Batman and ROBIN’S NEST

7. ONE FOOT IN THE-shallow-GRAVE

6. Foot-LOOSE WOMAN

5. AUF WEIDERSEIN PET-cemetery

4. BILL AND BEN-hur

3. DR WHO framed Roger Rabbit

2. HILL STREET BLUES-brothers

1. Shakespeare in-LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR

I have to give special mention to these as they are too good to leave out. THAT’S LIFE of Brian; POLICE S-Quad-rophenia; WHO WANTS TO BE A slumdog MILLIONAIRE; THE GOOD LIFE, the bad and the ugly; WATERLOO ROAD-house; HI-DE-HI-gh noon; HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED-gun; TFI FRIDAY the 13^th.

So it’s goodbye from me and it’s goodbye from her, as we launch ourselves head first into our Bank Holiday weekends. So many things to do, but so little time to do it. Kirstyn is of course back tonight for her Essential Eighties show from 7pm and of course my old mate Redders kicks off a whole weekend of Eighties music on his brand spanking new Saturday Breakfast Show. I’m back on my Graveyard Shift tomorrow morning from 1am and then midnight on Sunday.

THINGS NOT TO MISS. The world record attempt at climbing a ladder and sliding back down a pole by Ashford firefighters. It starts at 9am tomorrow morning and by the time they finish at 5pm they will hopefully have climbed the equivalent of Everest four times, good grief and good luck. Also, on Monday it’s the Aldington Soap Box Derby, go and watch a load of nutters on their hand made go-karts speeding down Forge Hill, good grief and good luck again.

Have a glorious long weekend.

Thursday, August 26

We do love our Thursdays here at kmfm (not just because Thursday is the new Friday and you are allowed a cheeky libation) because we get to review the Kentish Express and this week's paper is chock full of really upbeat stories. We always end up doing a cute animal story because Kirstyn always insists on it. Today was the story of Leo The Terrier, who celebrated his 18th birthday, which takes him well over the century mark in 'our' years, there was lots of oohs and aahs as you can imagine and not from me I hasten to add.

Then we talked up a local star pupil from Highworth School, who not only scored 11 A*s in her GCSEs, she did it after having thirty stitches in her arm only days before after an accident. I have a feeling that this girl is going places. And while we are on schools, there was some fantastic news about the North School Farm. If you remember, we campaigned long and hard to make sure that we kept the farm and the proposed houses never built there. At first there was a shallow victory, when they said that the farm will remain, but moved and the houses still built. Well, last week ABC finally decided that it wasn't such a good idea and the plans scrapped. People power wins the day and we couldn't be happier, well done everyone involved.

And last but not least and something very close to my heart, Ashford Town Football Club and the ongoing saga that surrounds it. I would rather not go into details about what has happened at board room level, I'm not bothered about the politics. What does bother me is that the club has been brought to its knees and for the first time since it was formed, we don't have a senior team representing us season. But now, the current 'holder of the keys' has asked a dear friend of mine, ex chairman and trustee of the club to form a local committee to make sure the club is ready to start afresh next year. Ernie Warren will form the committee, which he has already done, find a manager, which he has already done and take full charge of all football matters. It is a very exciting time and I have 'chucked my hat in the ring' and will help out in any way I can. The three people who will run the team are all ex players and the team will consist of the best of the young and the experience, and ALL local. We want anyone who has ANYTHING to offer to get involved. We're giving the football back to the community and we must all get behind it. My dream? To get us back to where we belong and fill the stadium again. I will of course up date you of what's going on.

Wednesday, August 25

On the back of a very successful merge yesterday which was TV programmes, I thought I'd have a go with films, or as my Irish friend Dave might say, filerms. I started you all off with what I felt sure could not be beat, it was WHEN dirty HARRY MET SALLY, here is the top ten, so make your own minds up if I was beaten.

10. A spider-MAN CALLED HORSE

9. THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW-never dies

8. 12 ANGRY MEN-in black

7. GONE with the wind IN 60 SECONDS

6. MARLEY AND ME-myself and Irene

5. THE GREAT ESCAPE-to victory

4. THE FULL MONTY-python and the Holy Grail

3. THE Schindlers-BUCKET LIST

2. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY-Poppins

Now stand by for this because there are five in here, I hope you can work them all out: LIVE AND LET DIE-hard day's night-and day of the Triffids.

Other memorable highlights of the day, include Kirstyn challenging me to a game of pitch and putt at Great Chart. I wonder what gets in to her head sometimes. It reminds me of when she threw down the gauntlet for a penalty shoot-out (just to clarify, I won 5-1 and I only gave her the one because I felt sorry for her) and she didn't speak to me after I whooped her because she said I hit it too hard, sour grapes of course and I feel the same will happen with the golf.

The other point of discussion most notable was after our chat about last nights Big Brother and also Marcus Bentley, the voice over Geordie guy, appearing on this weeks Saturday Show with Benedict. I thought it we could possibly get in our own Geordie to do links for our show, imagine if you will (and try to think of it in a Geordie accent). "It's 8.38 in the KMFM studio, Kirstyn has got the hump with Webbo and looks as if she's just about to throw a pen at him again". I reckon it could be quite amusing, Kirst disagrees and ironically enough throws a pen at me.

Tuesday, August 24

Still a bit over excited about being back, but not as excited as my merging game, which has also been on a short vacation and I have to say, is looking really well.

But before all that, after watching The News at Ten last night (other news programmes are available) the stick out story for me, you know the one I mean, when the presenter says 'and finally', was about the best joke told at The Edinburgh Festival. I knew it was going to be going straight over Kirstyn's head, so I built it up until the end of the show and then hit her with it and it goes like this: 'I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again'. You could actually hear the tumbleweed floating across the studio.

Kirstyn had me in fits as she told me about her smelly cupboard in her house. It was smelling a bit 'eggy' for quite a while so she decided to investigate. So she emptied out the George Foreman grill, the vodka, the cereals and, wait for it, the dog food, from the offending area to try to uncover the source of the smell. By the way, what sort of a combination is that to collect in a cupboard? Anyway, turns out there was an out of date dog treat that had expired last March, disgraceful.

We talked up the Ashford Windmill which led me on to how the old tour guide used to be the Cobbler that used to work in Earls Shoe Shop down Hythe Road and this led us on to 'old Ashford' and our wonderful shops.

So back to the start of the morning and my merging game which was television programmes merged together and your starter for ten was CRACKER-jack which then merged again in to CRACKER-jack-ANORY

10. Just Good FRIENDS

9. X krypton FACTOR

8. How Clean Is Your House-Doctor Who-Wants to be a Millionaire

7. Strictly Come Dancing-On Ice

6. 8 out of 10-THUNDER-Cats

5. Not the 9 O'clock News-at Ten

4. Doctor Who-se-Line Anyway

3. The Bill-and Ben Show

2. Man About the LITTLE House on the Prairie

1. Emmer-Dale Wintons Supermarket-Sooty and-Sweep

Monday, August 23 

Oh I have missed you all so very much. Now don't get me wrong, it's important to get away and recharge the batteries sometimes but I do love my job and after three days I'm already fretting and worrying about what's happening back at home and when I say home, I mean the station. Kirstyn had enrolled a guy she knows called Mike Russell to cover for us whilst we had our time out and I had mixed feelings to be honest. Of course I wanted him to be good and keep you entertained, but I also wanted him not to be TOO good, that'll be my ego kicking in. We all like to be missed don't we? And let's not forget my friend and colleague Ms Kirstyn Read who I've now been with for nearly three years (our anniversary is coming up very soon, I hope I remember this one as opposed to my wedding, oops), so I really missed our mornings together but we were reunited and it felt so good.

So much to talk about and so little time to do it in. I had my little trip to Lanzarote to discuss and Kirst had her televisual experience to enlighten us with. You can find out more about my trip in this week's Kentish Express as my column returns. You'd think, after eight days at an all inclusive hotel that I'd come back a few pounds heavier, but I've actually lost weight. Now I don't want to go into details, but you know what its like on holiday. Let's just say I had a touch of Lanzarote botty.

As for Kirstyn's television experience, well it deserves a whole hours worth of chat and its own column as I think its hysterical. She didn't quite manage to win The Weakest Link, but she did make a good account of herself, bless her. Somehow or another though, Ann Robinson managed to put me down without me even being there. She was probing Kirst about what she does for a living and I was mentioned. She asked my age and name and then decided to dig me out over having a nickname at the age of 46, a bit harsh I felt.

Tuesday, August 10

Well my dear friends and blog readers, I'm sadly going to be leaving you for a few days as I need to recharge the old and weary batteries. I'm not off anywhere as it happens, just got a couple of other projects I'm pursuing, but fear not, I will be back and I'll let you know how it goes. I'm on air tomorrow, but got to get off a bit sharpish after the show. Kirstyn however will be here until the end of the week and she will look after the show more professionally than I ever could.

So today was my penultimate merging game before it has a holiday as well. So I gave you a clue to kick you off with today and that was Pink Floyd. The funniest and most 'out of the box' guess from John was female artists and chefs, ie: Keith Floyd, good but no cigar, it was solo artists and groups.

10. Duran Dur-AN-NIE LENNOX

9. RICKY house-MARTIN-s

8. USHER-waddy waddy

7. JOSS STONE-roses

6. Beach BOY(s) GEORGE

5. WILL aero-SMITH

4. R.E.M-inem

3. DAVID SOUL 2 SOUL

2. MICHAEL JACKSON five star (three groups in there I think you'll find, Jackson 5, Five and 5 star)

1. Savage LADY GA GA-rden

So the news was pretty interesting this morning as it has been announced that the Australian government are advertising jobs for us disenchanted Brits who can't find work. Three of the stand out ones for me were Koala catching, being a 'shark ranger' and my favourite which is 'beer tasting'. I had an idea, which would be to get a job on a radio breakfast show in Oz and then go beer tasting in the afternoon. But when I thought about it, it's exactly what I do here anyway except I pay for the tasting instead of them, plus, I'd never want to leave my beloved Ashford anyway.

Take care you guys, I will miss you all massively and already can't wait until I'm back. x

Monday, August 9

It's back, finally the football season has rolled around yet again and we have a chance to bury the demons of our World Cup fiasco and enjoy the domestic season. As every year my expectations of my team West Ham are as high as ever, although that never generally lasts very long and reality sets in that we will probably just end up being an 'also ran' team, but you never know your luck, football is a funny ol' game. My friend and colleague Kirstyn obviously has a bit more faith than I, she has actually put a bet on us winning the league, bless her little misguided cotton socks. It was only a pound I hasten to add and if by some miracle we do win it, she's in for fifteen hundred quid, perhaps I should have a bit more faith.

So Friday was the big Duncan Bowen re-union and I'd like to tell you all about it, but you will just have to buy this weeks Kentish Express to find out more, that if you are interested of course. It includes my sacking as a prefect, an incident in metalwork with a boy and a hacksaw and my embarrassing faux pas with a complete stranger in the pub, have I whet your appetite yet?

So can you help me out with the next one, because I want to make a feature of it. I was watching the very amusing TV programme The I.T. Crowd on Channel 4 the other night and two expressions were said that I use on a regular basis, that turn out to be completely wrong. The first was when you put someone on a 'pedal stool', meaning to think they are of superior stature. Well, as it turns out it's pedestal not pedal stool, what's a flipping pedestal? Then, to prove a point the phrase 'damp squid' came up, meaning doesn't work properly. Much to my surprise, it's damp squib, with a b not a d. Squib being an explosive devise like a firework, which makes complete sense. But then again, so did squid in my mind. Got anymore of these, let me know by e mailing jwebster@kmfm.co.uk

Friday, August 6

Tonight's the night, it's the class of 80 Duncan Bowen reunion at Singleton Barn and already I'm thinking about what to wear. It's a tough decision in fairness, because it kind of relates to your personality and I want to make a good first impression. I was thinking about going casual and wearing shorts and T Shirt, actually, that's what I always wear, so perhaps I don't need to think about it. Anyway, if you are ex Bowen and fancy a night out, we will be starting at about 6.30 at Singleton Barn and it really doesn't matter what year you left, if you are around 44 and up you are more than welcome.

Tomorrow Il be heading down to the Pilgrims Hospice on the A20, just past Tesco’s and opposite the Garden Centre which is where the overflow parking will be. It starts at 1300 and goes on until 1600 and features all the fun of the fair, including live music, cake stall, splat the rat, tombola and check this out, free advice from a prominent solicitor.

Kirstyn back for Essential Eighties from 1900 hrs, me and Ben 'guitar face' Watson on the Graveyard Shift from 1am and midnight on Sunday. Have an absolutely wonderful weekend and I love you all dearly. Miss you already.

Thursday, August 5

What a wonderful afternoon Kirstyn and I had down at The Rare Breeds Centre in Woodchurch yesterday. It was their Family Fun Day and the attendance must have been at maximum capacity and the car parks were full to the brim. We were asked to go down and help judge the animal parade and the animal fancy dress competition. Now normally I don't care for judging things, it's not my cuppa tea as I hate the fact that somebody doesn't win anything, but it wasn't like it this time. The handlers who were all adults with learning difficulties done some sterling work and were just happy to be involved, as well as all earning a big rosette for their efforts. The main winners were a cockerel, a dreadlocked sheep and a giant cow, as well as a baby goat and a donkey. The fancy dress was absolutely nailed by a guinea pig.

The merge kept the 'chocolate based confectionery' theme going from yesterday and was joined today by pop artists.

10. Quality MANIC-street-PREACHERS

9. HOT CHOCOLATE buttons

8. Aero-SMITH

7. FIVE STAR-bar

6. COCKNEY Revel

5. S-club-7

4. Pic-NIC KERSHAW

3. Fudge DREAD

2. CURIOSITY KILLED THE kit-KAT

1. EMERSON F-LAKE and PALMER

We do love Kentish Express day as Mr. Robert Barman, the editor-in-chief joins us in the studio to review what's going on and the front page story also dominates the back page. It's the whole Ashford Town Football Club saga that rumbles on. I do have my own opinion of the whole situation, but to be honest with you, I'd rather keep it to myself for the time being, I will show my colours in due course. Having said that, I find it preposterous that there will be no team playing this year at ANY level, very sad.

UFOs rear their ugly heads again as more people jump on the bandwagon. We may have proved that the odd shapes were Chinese lanterns, but nobody could work out what the red laser beams are.

Plus you can read my non award-winning award-winning column, which this week goes into detail about EastEnders and the recent shenanigans on Albert Square and my plot to infiltrate the cast.

Wednesday, August 4

So on the back of me being compared to an older looking Don Johnson circa 1980s Miami Vice (or Sonny Crocket if you like). I was standing in the High Street minding my own business, chewing the fat with some friends of mine when a swarthy young man and his pal approached me (at this point, I feel I must give you my word that this actually happened because it's going to sound very implausible). In what I can only describe as an Italian accent, he asked me if the colour of my hair was natural. I informed him that it was and was waiting for a punchline of sorts. He continued, 'you look like a Hollywood star (I told you it was going to be tough to believe) and I love the colour, do you mind going home and giving the rest of us a chance'. And then they left. I was mildly flabbergasted as indeed were my friends who asked if I knew these people. Now I don't know if it was some kind of practical joke, that they batted for the other team or just genuinely liked the colouring of my grey locks and don't suppose I will ever know, but I'm going to take it as a compliment all the same.

Merging game consisted of chocolate based confectionary and pop songs today and Benno guessed correctly after my Life on Mars clue.

10. The CLUB is alive (JLS)

9. Cool for KIT KATS (Squeeze)

8. Club T-r-OPIC-anna (WHAM)

7. MILKY BAR-bra Anne (Beach Boys)

6. My MILKY Way (Frank Sinatra)

5. Everything I TOBLER-own (Boy George)

4. Return of the CARA-MAC (Mark Morrison)

3. QUALITY STREET-life (Crusaders)

2. And the beat goes MARATH-on (Whispers)

1. Another Brick in the WAL-L-NUT WHIP (Pink Floyd)

Tuesday, August 3

I have to say that the over-riding 'stick-out' part of the show was being compared to looking like Sonny from Miami Vice (Don Johnson for those of you who are not MV fans). I'm actually quite made up, so thanks Mike, even though you did say an OLDER version I'm still having it. Back in the Eighties I used to model myself on Sonny Crocket and had one of those suit jackets where you could roll up the sleeves. Plus you had to wear a vest under it to make it work. A nice pair of cheesecloth trousers and boating shoes and you are nearly there. All you then needed was a mullet hair cut and blonde streaks and you are the finished article.

Last Thursday's merging game involved tourist attractions and pop artists, so today I brought back the tourist attraction and stuck them with pop songs.

10. You're CHEDDAR GORG-E-ous

9. LONDON EYE-can't help falling in love with you

8. Black or WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER

7. TOWER BRIDGE over troubled waters

6. AYERS ROCK DJ

5. BIG ben

4. GREAT WALL OF CHINA in your hands

3. THE WHITE HOUSE-of fun

2. Living next door to BUCKINGHAM P-Alice

1. MADAME TUSSAUDS of a thousand men

Monday, August 2

Monday morning surgery open for business as usual and after a slow start it picked up. The EastEnders debate still rumbles and the jury is definitely split between love and loath. But I have to say, the burning question on everybody's minds was the whole Joe McElderry scenario. Now just in case you didn't read the papers over the weekend, the last X Factor winner Joe decided it was time to come out of the closet and own up to being gay. Now, there are a whole lot of issues that spring to my mind here and I'd like to discuss. Firstly, I could have told him that he was gay after the first programme I saw, so it was hardly a shock (Tom rang up to say that next we'll be telling him that Christopher Biggins is gay). Secondly, he didn't realise it himself until he read it on his own Twitter that somebody had 'crashed' to try to 'out' him. And thirdly and most importantly, who cares? Is the really a front page scoop? I think the days that we live in, nobody really gives a damn about peoples sexuality. If he is a good singer, he's a good singer, end of story, who cares what bus he's on?

Friday, July 30

I really don't understand where the time goes. July has all but gone and before we know it, Halloween, Guy Fawkes night and Christmas will be upon us. Every now and again we need to jump off the elevator, take a breath and just enjoy the moment. Like today's Friday phone-in for instance, you took time out from your hectic schedules to drop me a line and join in with the frivolity, except one of you that is, but more of that later. Thanks to Tim who was loving the new Usher song OMG, to Christine who is looking forward to her 'surprise' hen night, that ISN'T a surprise; Callum for his compliments because he said his whole Cineworld experience was made so much nicer by hearing Kirstyn and I before the start of the film (we are now the voice of Cineworld); to Matt ball and Sarah for your on the spot traffic reports which are priceless to us; to Josie Coglan and penultimately to Sarah for her EastEnders appraisal. Finally though, I had a text from somebody who remained anonymous (they generally do when they are moaning) asking me to stop talking about EE because they work evenings and I'm spoiling it for everybody else. There are many retorts that I could come up with here, but I think I will take a humble silence. What I will say is, you can't please all the people all the time.

Looking forward to my weekend as I always do, I will be back on the Graveyard Shift on Saturday morning at 1am with Ben 'guitar face' Watson and if you want to know why I've changed his nickname, you'll have to tune in won't you? Also we are on from midnight on Saturday and we have another very special prize to give away which is some more 'money can't buy' merchandise from another Hollywood blockbuster but once again, you'll have to listen (actually, you could also log on to kmfm.co.uk if you wanted to, click on the Graveyard Shift site and it will explain all, and you can also see why Ben is now called 'guitar face').

Oh, by the way, better give my friend and colleague a bit of a plug or I'll never hear the end of it, she is back on her own tonight from 7pm on the non-award winning, award winning Essential Eighties, it has to be in the top ten favourite shows on our wonderful station.

Thursday, July 29

Nightmare start to the day as a gas leak on Chart Road disrupts everyone, including me. The thing that's good about being a local radio station is that we can react to these things SO much better than a countywide station that would probably only give it a quick mention. As I write this, the Chart Road between the Matalan roundabout and the tank roundabout is closed in both directions, but you can access Godington Estate via Cobbs Wood Industrial Estate and you can turn left out of of Godington. Just thought I'd fill you in.

My merge that was delayed from yesterday after my EastEnders plots took over was today's offering and I wasn't really sure if this would work but thanks once again to you lot, it did. We were mixing up 'tourist attractions' and pop artists.

10. The LONDON ZOO-tons

9. Roy DOVER CASTLE

8. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE-martins

7. WHITE CLIFF-s Richard OF DOVER

6. Rolling STONE-s HENGE

5. THE HANGING savage GARDEN-s OF BABYLON

4. THE buddy-HOLLY-WOOD BOWL

3. CHEDDAR GORGE Michael

2. THE LONDON EYE-sley brothers

1. THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA-crisis

Some brilliant stories in today's Kentish Express and some great 'angry mob' pictures, as well as one of the best stories ever written anywhere, ever. It's about an ex Norton Knatchbull student who believes that there is a 1 in 9 chance that zombies will roam the earth and he has written a book on how to survive an invasion. I urge you to buy the paper, even if it's just for THAT story.

Wednesday, July 28

I was all ready for my merging game first thing this morning, I'd had a few written down ready to go if none of you joined in and I was quite happy with my lot. But then the Wake up With Webbo hour took an unexpected twist. I was jabbering on about the ridiculous story-line that is happening in EastEnders, they really have literally lost the PLOT. It all hinges around Lucas, the psychopathic pastor turned serial killer and his incarceration of his thought to be a murderer and suicidal, recently buried wife. I know, it's all very confusing and frankly ludicrous. This leads me on to the dream I have always courted, which is getting a part in the soap, surely it can't be difficult. I've already got the accent and I can't act either, that's all the credentials one needs isn't it?

So I was trying to come up with a plot for me to integrate myself in to the square, but before I could, you lot did it for me. Jim was the first and to be honest, it was my favourite and I can completely see myself in this role. I turn up as a long lost friend of Max Branning (it's a good start because I like Max) and I have a bit of a mysterious past that has ramifications of the underworld. After becoming the love interest of Janine Butcher and then falling for her, I decide to show her how much I care by buying the club off of Jack and re-naming it Dusty's. I think it could work you know.

But the funniest one I had was from Teresa who is quite obviously not an EE fan, as you will notice.

I turn up as the ex-husband of Zoe Lucker's character and we have a love hate relationship, she loves me and I hate her. I have a chain of pie and mash shops in Yorkshire (highly unlikely, but so are most of their plots) but hate Cockneys. I open a shop in the square and poison them all with the liquor. Then I invite a load of Northerners down to live and rename the place Coronation Square.

Tuesday, July 27

Sliding seamlessly back on to the merging game today and as I've said before, it gets tougher and tougher to find two different categories that are of a big enough scale to come up with as many as I'd like. Last weeks 'pub grub' with pop artists and then pop songs went down very well, so I thought I'd bring back the pub grub again and this time mix it up with films. I gave you my meal of, for starters, prawn COCKTAIL, then CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG-ers and mash, a desert of AMERICAN bonoffi PIE and a side order of THE HUNT FOR garlic b-RE-a-D OCTOBER, now over to you lot;

10. A FISH and chips CALLED WANDA

9. A sweet cart NAMED DESIRE

8. O-LIVER and bacon

7. SLUM hot-DOG MILLIONAIRE

6. HARRY hot-POT-TER AND THE CHAMBERS OF SECRETS

5. SHAW lamb-SHANK REDEMPTION

4. THE KING prawns AND I

3. black FOREST-GUMP gateau

2. FULL METAL JACKET potato

1. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS onion RINGS TWICE

Congratulations to every single one of you for getting involved, it makes my job so much easier.

It's apparent that a few of you are waking a little bit later and frankly who can blame you, no kids to push around to get ready for school and a lot of you not having to get up as early because the traffic is so much lighter in the hols. You can of course win my love and respect by coming up with your very own merge and send it to me at jwebster@kmfm.co.uk

Monday, July 26

I think I'm only just about recovering from my Maisy's very emotional leavers' assembly on Friday afternoon. It was all going very well in fairness and I'd managed to contain myself, that was until I saw my little angels swollen eyes and couldn't help but shed a tear or two (thousand). I'm sure there are many of you who have also suffered the same uncontrollable burst of emotion as you see your little angels getting all grown up in front of your very eyes.

The Monday morning surgery was open for business as usual and yet again conjured up some very interesting and diverse calls. Ranging from Potty Lotty cleaning out horse poo to a man with a very interesting Spanish accent called Manuel, who rang to inform me how Spain are taking over the world of sport. Not happy with winning the World Cup and then Wimbledon, they now have the Tour de France to show off about as well, cheers Manuel.

Plus we had calls from many of you that enjoyed the weekend's events including The Star's charity music event on Saturday. We had The Farriers Arms in Mersham's beer and music festival all over the weekend which was very well attended and talking about well attended, Create drew in their biggest crowd to date, apparently more than 11 thousand people.

And finally, two congratulations to be handed out, first up is our friend Dawn the carer, whose boyfriend Shaun (I know, Dawn and Shaun, they were meant to be together) proposed to her over the weekend on a beach in Littlehampton. And we have a new addition to out 'gated community' and her name is Lilly Cole. She is the daughter of Susannah and Rob and little sister to Lucas and Ethan.

Friday, July 23

I love my Friday phone-in, it's a phone-in and it's Friday, it does what it says on the can. The calls are always diverse and sometimes baffling, but always fun. Val from Tenterden is finally moving today; Shane was a first time caller from Willesborough who is off to Create; Potty lotty is gathering in the hay-bales for the horses; Trent is camping it up at The Farriers Arms music and beer festival; Del-Boy will be celebrating his 50th birthday tomorrow at Sandyacre; Paul was making cakes on behalf of his wife Yvette who is twenty twelve today; Mary-Rose came to my rescue and offered me a lft home from the pub after today's Smeeth School leavers' assembly and wanted to thank Mandy Diddams (what a name) for her help; Ian gave me some travel info and was heading home for a cuppa tea, a slice of toast and to read his paper and last but certainly by no stretch of the imagination, least we have Steve from Kennington who was celebrating his 20th birthday last night. He'd had a few too many and got home to realize he had forgotten his door key. He was ringing the doorbell for about half and hour before finally the door swung open. He was expecting to get a bit of an earful from one or both of his parents, but was rather shocked to see a stranger standing there in her dressing gown. To cut a long story short, Steve, in his drunkenness, had forgot that he'd moved house 3 months previously, oh dear.

So much going on this weekend and not enough time to tell you all about it, but here are a couple of highlights. The Farriers Arms Beer and Music Festival starts tonight and goes on all weekend. Tomorrow The Star are having a Pilgrims charity day with music from mid-day to mid-night. And let's not forget it''s Create down at Victoria Park from midday and our very own Adam Dowling is broadcasting live from the event on his Lazy Sunday Afternoon Show.

Kirstyn is back from tonight for her wonderful Essential Eighties Show from 7pm, followed by the brilliant Bob Mower Show and then I'm here again for my Graveyard Shift at 1am.

Have a most incredible weekend and I miss you already.

Thursday, July 22

I'm not beating around the bush, going round in circles or going round the houses; I'm getting straight on with the merge, which today was pub grub and pop songs.

10. BANGERS AND monster MASH

9. TOAD IN THE HOLE new world

8. Viva LASANGE

7. PROFITEROLE over beetoven

6. in the GRAVY

5. SALAD BAR Barbara-ann

4. With or without STEW AND DUMPLINGS

3. CHEESY C-HIPS Don't Lie

2. This is a PLOUGH-MANS world

1. LAMB SHANK you for the music

Sorry my dear lovely loyal listeners, I have to rush off to a very important meeting, I'll make up for it tomorrow, honest.

Wednesday, July 21

We waited with bated breath for most of the morning as we waited in anticipation for the arrival of one of our Kilimanjaro climbers. But not just any old Kilimanjaro climber, oh no, far from it. She is also Kirstyn's neighbour (and as we know, everybody needs good neighbours, they should be there for one another) and also drop dead gorgeous, as well as being a loving mother and soon to be trainee nurse. There must be a chink in the armour I hear you cry well actually no there isn't. She told us of the whole event very eloquently indeed and made me realise that I made the right decision in not going, I really don't think I could have done it, it sounds torturous. But fair play to her, my boss Steve and the other 30 odd brave souls that did do it and raised a shed load of cash for the Marie Curie Cancer Fund.

Okey Kokey, on to today's merging and I started you all off with a clue, which was Blue Moon. There was only one entry, but what an entry it was. Sadly you didn't add your name to it so I can't give you the credit you deserve. They said it was songs (correct) with either colours, pop artists (correct) or, and the best of the bunch, cartoon characters. I was miffed at first as well, until I realized they meant Baloo (the bear from the Jungle Book, remember) Moon.

10. Hot in the BAY City ROLLERS (Billy Idol)

9. SIMPLY RED red wine (UB40)

8. LADY radio GA GA (Queen)

7. DIANA ROSS AND THE love SUPREMES (Will Downing or Robbie)

6. THE BEACH BOYS are back in town (Thin Lizzy)

5. Working 9 to FIVE (Dolly Parton)

4. U2 me are everything (Real Thing)

3. SCOUTING FOR GIRLS just wana have fun (Cyndi Lauper)

2. McFLY to the moon (Sinatra)

1. Living next door to ALICE COOPER (Smokey)

Tuesday, July 20

Hello and welcome, this is Kirstyn writing as Webbo has gone to the Office of Post!

Am rather chuffed as it means I get to write the blog where normally he gets very precious about it and I'm not even allowed to help out!

We had a lovely morning with plenty of love in the air - not actually between us, more the listeners who were celebrating their anniversaries! Oddly we had 3 couples all celebrating their 14th anniversary - step forward and take a bow. Mr and Mrs Waple, Mr and Mrs Wall and Mr and Mrs Young! And topping it off were the Packhams, Patricia and Robert who've chalked up an impressive 36 years. They are off to celebrate with a day out in Broadstairs! What a bunch a shiny stars they all are and here's hoping they have a wonderful day!

Webbo was merging pub grub and pop stars although I infiltrated his secret early morning club with a politician version - ha, I'll tell you at the end!

Pick of the bunch; Soup of the Doris Day, KnickerBocker Gloria Estefan, Barry Whitebait, Chicken Vindalo-lu, Red Hot Chilli con Carne Peppers, The King Prawns of Leon, Jarvis Coq-Au-Van and the newly reunited Steak That and Kidney Pie. How about a couple of side orders of Onion Ringo Star and Simply Garlic Bread! Well done to all the early birds who help out Webbo and make me laugh on my way in! My brain just couldn't work that early!

I was impressed with a rather large cream tea that was made yesterday in Devon - it was 6 foot wide and was topped with 40lb of clotted cream and 30lb of jam! Yum yum and thrice yum! Sadly I made do with my cheese and pickle sandwiches! Lots happening this weekend so we plugged some charity events and talked about the schools and their leaving events, performances and discos! I'm sure we'll get more as we head towards the last day of term!

I've enjoyed this, I must do it again sometime!

And by the way - Chic-Ken Livingstone Korma (which Webbo disallowed, boo).

Monday, July 19

Another bleary eyed Monday morning to deal with and even more so today. My Friday just didn’t seem to stop, because when I finally got away from the office in the afternoon, it was over to Smeeth to watch my Maisy’s sports day. Back home for a quick bite before heading down for our first Dusty’s disco appearance in Tenterden and many thanks to those of you who made us feel so welcome, particularly Mo and Janice. Then back to work for my Graveyard Shift and then a very good kip. At about 5pm on Saturday I headed down to the North Park for the music festival which I help to host and then back for another Graveyard Shift. By now I’m feeling it, but moaning about it is for losers, so I carried on regardless and got down to the kmfm Family Fitness Fun Day for midday on Sunday. What a great day we had, but could have done without the football match that was spontaneously organised. Many thanks to all involved including our sponsor John Howland from Swift Security, Barclays Bank for going pound for pound in all the monies raised, Sue and Ernie Warren for hosting the event and the very supple Sarah (or Shakira as I like to call her) for being the brains behind the event and doing some incredible dance lessons.

One of the highlights of the day for me, and there were many, was the sight of Kirstyn Read on the ‘Bucking Bronco’, it was a sight for sore eyes let me tell you.

Friday, July 16

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s Friday which means it’s the Friday phone-in and today’s show is dedicated to another outstanding ‘unsung hero of our surrounding areas’. Today’s more than worthy recipient is Boughton Lees. But it wasn’t as straight orward as I’d have liked it because I couldn’t actually get to the bottom of where The Lees started and finished and where Aluph began and ended. That’s right, Boughton Aluph has thrown a spanner in the works and we don’t know where on earth the boundaries are. So I decided to have a joint celebration of both the Boughtons which seemed only fair and just.

The phone-in took a bit of an unexpected diversion and became a bit of a running saga, frankly it turned into a bit of a soap opera. Right, it started when Jill from Tenterden rang in and very ‘tongue in cheekly’ said that she will be stalking me for the entire weekend. Firstly, she’s coming down to The Woolpack in Tenterden where myself and MC Gary Moore will be performing our Dusty’s Years Disco, and to which you are all welcome. Then tomorrow, she’s coming down to the Festival in the Park, where I’m on early evening introducing some bands. By the way, that is at North Park between Liquid and the Stour Centre and takes place ALL weekend. Then on Sunday I’m hosting the kmfm Family Fitness Fun Day at Sandyacres on Sandyhurst Lane (01233 627373 for more details), it starts at 10am goes through until 6pm and then me and Mooro will get the disco out again. Anyway, after Jill rang, her old man Mike then called up to say he didn’t mind her "obsessive stalking" as he got the chance to have a weekend with the boys playing golf. This is where it hit the fan. Jill rang back to say that she had invited him to all of the functions but he’d declined them all. Then Mike was back on the blower, saying she’d now ‘copped the hump’ and had left for work early and didn’t know what to do for the best. I had no idea what to suggest, so I said to ‘follow your heart’, I know it sounds naff, but I was bamboozled by it all.

So don’t forget to listen to Kirstyn Read tonight on her brilliant Essential Eighties show as you could be winning VIP tickets to her party at Folkestone racecourse next Thursday, a date you really don’t want to miss out on. I’m hot footing it back from Tenterden to do my Graveyard Shift, so I’ll either see you at one of the venues I’m at, or if not I hope you can listen in to me and Ben ‘friend’ at some stage because we have a brilliant prize up for grabs.

Thursday, July 15

We have both come in to work today feeling a bit tuckered out and for completely different reasons, so the sparks were flying as you can imagine, even though I was in an hour earlier, she still claimed to more tired. And I was home later as well, okay, that was my own fault I grant you, but I was drowning my sorrows. And, while I'm at it, I was socializing and not actually working like her good self, but still, I'm allowed to be tired too.

I was playing in my Cup Final for SouthLoco and Kirstyn was introducing Status Quo to the stage at Rochester castle. My open top bus celebrations through the streets of Ashford didn't quite come to fruition sadly, but we did put on a very brave show, I like to think. Especially as after two minutes our keeper Dazza injured his arm yet again and we had to bring on our manager Bill 'The Cat' English to take over between the sticks. We were one down by that stage and we all thought, no disrespect Bill, that the floodgates were about to open. But they didn't and Bill grabbed himself a clean sheet, sadly we failed to equalize and once again I was doomed to the runners-up spot for the umpteenth time in my many playing years.

Kirstyn bowled up with a great little Quo anecdote. It was nothing to do with how she partied with the boys after in to the early hours, or she was asked out by one of the group or even that they asked her to sing along with them on stage. No, it was how she accidentally poked Rick Parfitt in the eye with an inflatable guitar, classic. Only Kirst could come back from a rock and roll night out with a story of such gravitas.

After yesterday's roaring success of my new feature Unsung Heroes of Our Surrounding Areas, which starred Hinxhill, I thought I'd have another go. So ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation for (drum roll would happen here) Kenardington.

Wednesday, July 14

It's very difficult to concentrate today I have to admit. The reason? Well let me tell you. Tonight I will participate in the Ashford and District 5-a-side tournament at The Ashford North School, representing the mighty, but ageing, SouthLoco. If it all goes according to plan, we will be taking an open top bus ride that will replicate the Spanish team's home-coming to Madrid. At approximately 21.45hrs, after a quick cold shower, we will head out of the school and turn left down Essella Road, a quick right on Mabledon Avenue and right again onto Hythe Road. We will then stop at The Windmill Pub on the corner of Hunter Road, where several libations will be consumed. Now depending on how many thousands of people are lining the route (the journey should only take five minutes) we might just make it for last orders. So tomorrow morning you will have to once again forgive my unprofessional behavior, but win, lose or draw (actually we can't draw because it will go to penalties) we will be having a pint or seven, except the open top bus driver of course.

It's now time for the Wednesday merge, ladies and gentlemen; I give you vegetables and pop songs;

10. PEAS release me (Englebert Humperdink)

9. I've never BEAN to me (Charlene)

8. The B-eetr-OOTS are made for walking (Nancy Sinatra)

7. If I could TURN-IP back time (Cher)

6. A good he-ARTICHOKE is hard to find (Fergal Sharkey)

5. SWEDE Caroline (Neil Sedaka)

4. Let-TUCE be (Beatles)

3. PETITE POIS-pa don't preach (Madonna)

2. Put an ONION RING on it (Beyonce)

1. CUCUMBER the moon of love (Showaddywaddy). I know the last two are a bit loose but they made me laugh.

Tuesday, July 13

It's all about anniversaries today and no disrespect to any of you that might be celebrating one yourself but the three main ones for me are my stepson Josh's 22nd, the 25th anniversary of Live Aid and my dear friend and colleague Kirstyn Read, who's just a tad older than the two before. You lot really know how to make us feel good about ourselves with your lovely messages, she was inundated bless her. I remember on my birthday and still to this day don't know how you'd all found out, but you did and made me feel very special indeed. But it's not all about me, its Kirst's day and funnily enough the message that made her happiest was bizarrely about her dog. Den rang to say happy birthday then just casually threw in that her Dad had seen her out with Cashand thought he was a good looking dog. Well, you would have thought that he'd won Crufts with her reaction; she's a quirky little thing.

Tuesday in my book means merging day and the clue today was The Black Eyed Peas. Lisa guessed correctly, its pop artists and vegetables.

10. Red Hot Chilli PEPPERS

9. Prefab SPROUT

8. Tina TURNIP

7. CORN ON THE COB-BIE Williams

6. Bruce SPRING-ONION-Stein

5. Ky-LEEK Minogue

4. Hot House CAULLI-Flowers

3. BEAN Martin

2. BROCOL-Lilly Allen

1. Soft CELL-ERY

There is an advert going out on our show at the moment which we find very amusing, have a listen. It's the Maureen advert about 'those men in moustaches'. Anyway, he's doing a kind of quiz and when the correct answer happens, he says jazz hands. It doesn't sound that funny now I have to admit, but you'll all be doing it soon, trust me. It's going to sweep the nation, so if anyone says something good or answers a question correctly, just say jazz hands and join our jazz hands club.

Monday, July 12

If I'm completely honest, I have to say I'm quite pleased to see the back of the World Cup. It seems to have gone on for about five years, but I suppose that's because we lost interest after 'our' team were knocked out, what seems like three years ago. I have to say, even though I wanted the Dutch, and only because of my dear friend and colleague Kirstyn Read had drawn them in the sweepstake, I'm quite pleased they lost. It would have been a travesty and also any kids watching would have thought it okay to just go round assaulting people on the field and still win. No, the Spanish thoroughly deserved to win and for once and without sounding stupid, we can actually say that 'football was the winner'.

I'm very excited about tomorrow as its Kirstyn Read's birthday as well as the 25th anniversary of Live Aid and we'll be having a bit of a party and I'm sure she will appreciate your good will messages.

Our weekends began by visiting Mersham School's Fete over on the cricket field. It was absolutely steaming hot, but it didn't stop the crowds from swarming and you raised a total of over a thousand pounds. But more exciting than that to Kirst, was that she won a cuddly toy on the raffle. Then it was over to Willesborough Junior School for their Picnic in the Park, which again was very well attended. I've never got to feel quite so special and have never signed so many autographs, so thank you one and all. There were many highlights, including the teachers at the end playing some drums, but for me it has to be introducing the Willesborough Junior School Choir, who if you remember were the winners of last Christmas Festive Factor and they were brilliant.

Friday, July 9

There is always a good feel factor on Fridays, it kind of goes without saying of course, but I do have to fill up column inches so I thought I'd chuck it in anyway.

The Friday-Phone-In always gets a good reaction and today was no different, it also gets different people ringing, who are generally doing weird and wonderful things. Here are just a few examples. Juney and Janey, her sister, are off to the sandy beach in Folkestone. Big Ted from Park Farm is off to Brighton with 18 mates for a stag do and good luck to Trish and Paul on their pending nuptials. Simon was fishing in a secret location somewhere in our beautiful surrounding areas - sounds illegal to me Simon. Phil was on an early morning dog walk with his dog Shambles and lastly, Tim, Tom and Tubbs were just leaving on the Eurostar to watch the World Cup final in Amsterdam, oh yeah, that's what they all say, say hello to Roxanne for me.

It was all going very well between my co-host and I right up until our very last link. Now it could have been worse of course, it could have been the very first link. Having said that, now I think about it, she did throw a pen at me twice, but I forget why right now, I probably put too much milk in her coffee. Anyway, back to the last link, Kirstyn was building up to handing over to our daytime presenter Myma, extolling her virtues and I merely chipped in with and 'she's cute'. That was it, simple as, well you'd have thought I'd professed undying love, claimed I wanted to marry her and also exchange Kirstyn as co-presenter for her. She couldn't have been further from the truth, honest, well, two out of three ain't bad.

Unbelievably, I have the weekend free to do some family stuff, I think they seemed a bit disappointed actually. But I will be popping along to the Ashford Street Festival in town, which starts at 11 and continues until 4. Please show your support as if we don't attend these things we will lose them and so much hard work and effort has gone into making it happen. Later today Kirstyn and I will be attending the Mersham School fete from 3ish and then off to Willesborough School's 'picnic in the park', which starts at 5 and goes on until 7.

Have an incredible weekend, the weather is going to be great, so take care and don't get burnt.

Thursday, July 8

What an incredible semi that was last night, very memorable, football at its very best. No, no, no not the Spain versus Germany game, I mean Southloco against Aldington in the Ashford and District 5-a-side knock-out trophy. It was football at its very best as experience overcame youthful exuberance. A masterclass of the beautiful game. Managed by a 58-year-old, a captain of 53, me at 46 and the other three at 40 plus that's a grand total of over 200 years of experience and an average age of 45. Compare that to the opposition who are an average age of 22 and you can see the enormity of out victory. We march on to the final next week with high hopes of pulling off something special, and as I've said before, restoring the pride back in to English football.

10. Jimmy S-NAIL

9. SHED Zeppellin

8. EARTH wind and fire

7. RAKE That

6. Desmond DECKING

5. John-POND-Jovi

4. The PATIO Doors

3. Crowded GREEN-House

2. Super-GRASS-Killers

1. Savage-GARDEN-SHED-7

Thursday, as you know by now, is Kentish Express day and there is a fantastic story in the Nuts and Bolts section. It involves a gentleman who lives in Wales and claims that the women of Ashford are the best looking ladies in THE WORLD. He is basically a serial internet dater and claims to have slept with over a thousand women and 37 of them being from our Town. You have to buy the paper just to see a picture of him, trust me.

Wednesday, July 7

The whole kitchen merge seemed to work rather well yesterday, if I say so myself, so I thought I'd keep it going and use pop songs instead of pop artists. But I have to say that I had three really bad/good wooden spoon efforts that made me laugh out loud, you know what I mean, they are that bad they are actually very funny. More from them later but here is today's top ten.

10. Rat in the KITCHEN (UB40)

9. WOK Around the clock (Bill Haley)

8. I GRILL Survive (Gloria Gaynor)

7.Stand by your PAN (Tammy Wynette)

6. Lady in BREAD (Chris de Burgh)

5. Build me up BUTTER-CUP

4. I want to break FREE-ZER

3. BREAD BREAD WINE (UB40)

2. COLLANDER girl (Neil Sedaka)

1. Life is a roller-TOASTER (Ronan)

And finally, here are the ones you've been waiting for, the 'wooden spooners'.

Sue came up with WHAM's FRIDGE of heaven; Dave's suggestion was A bridge OVEN troubled water JUG; And finally Denise's offering I Want to BACON free RANGE EGGS.

So James Corden's World Cup Live programme touched a nerve with me last night. Because he had Andy Murray on, he brought up the fact that at the Wimbledon Ball, the tradition of the winner's slow dance has ended. He also said that the slow dance (or ten to two-er, as I prefer to call them) are disappearing from our culture. I'm completely behind him on this one, which is why I always like to finish off my Dusty's Years Disco like that. Come on, who's with me?

Tuesday, July 6

The first thing that comes to my attention is that today is National Kissing Day, what a laugh. Now I don't want you all rushing out wily-nily kissing complete strangers, you could end up in all sorts of trouble. What I do recommend though, is that you do go and give your nearest and dearest a big old kiss. I reckon we should have a National Tell Somebody You Love Them Day, because I don't think we do it enough, but once again take heed, don't just tell any old Tom, Dick or Harry.

Tuesday means merging and today is no exception, so without further ado, here is the top ten of 'things you'd find in the kitchen' and pop artists.

10. Adam P-ANT-RY

9. The Four T-A(o)-PS

8. Steven Tin TIN OPENER Duffy

7. The G-RILL thing

6. N-SINK

5. Florence and the WASHING Machine

4. Limp Biscuit BARREL

3. Katrina and the MICRO-WAVES

2. Electric OVEN-LIGHT Orchestra

1. Kid WOK

So Kirstyn and I are heading off out of the 'gated community' for the afternoon as we visit Marden. Don't worry, we won't stay away too long, but it is for a good reason. We're off to visit the lovely people who run the Kent Air Ambulance. We have to remember that it is completely charity supported and it's the likes of us that keep it running with all manner of fund raisers going on. We're just going down for a look and to see how we can help out.

Monday, July 5

What a weekend that was and for all kinds of reasons. The World Cup finally took off with some great matches at last and of course Wimbledon finals weekend happened, with no shocks or surprises as the number one seeds came through unscathed.

Friday evening started well as I attended The Beaver Green Community School fete, which had a fantastic turn out and many congratulations to all involved. Sadly the day didn't finish as well as it had started, because my Graveyard Shift fell off air due to some technicality, which is a bit sad as I love doing that show. In the morning I shot down to Haguelands Village for the cook-off that we have been promoting and then I popped in to the Mersham Village fete on the way home. In the evening it was off to The George to do my Dusty's Disco which was very successful, with most who attended anyway. Some gentleman took exception to me and the music for some reason and thought he'd pass it on, but that's okay, I can take it on the chin so to speak.

So Sunday was my day to chillax (I believe that's what the kids call it, clever really, a cross between chill and relax, brilliant), well I thought it was going to be that, but I'd forgot about my daughters pony riding and had to spend the day in a hot windy field, but that's what you do when you're a parent I suppose.

Friday, July 2

Sadly, the show was rather overshadowed by the nasty accident at the M20 junction 10 roundabout that caused absolute chaos for the entire morning and continues to cause problems. Basically a lorry overturned on the roundabout and crushed a car. The driver was taken to the William Harvey Hospital with serious injuries. Sorry to open on a low point, but it did dictate the majority of our broadcast.

On the upside, we were pleased to welcome our local MP and Immigration Minister, Damian Green, who’s a top man and all round good egg. We talked about stuff like Glastonbury, about the shared space, Victoria Crescent roadworks, keeping our green belt alive and Ashford not turning into a commuter town. He always talks from the heart and has his community’s best interests at heart.

So much going on again this weekend. Tomorrow I’m off to Haguelands Village with a couple of listeners to have a cook off and then enjoy the fun day that ensues immediately after, so come along and enjoy. There is also an i-pad up for grabs which is hidden somewhere on the site. After that I’m heading down to Mersham for their village fete on The Farriers Arms field.

The evening brings yet another airing of The Dusty’s Years Disco and we are back at our spiritual home, The George in the High Street.

Have an incredible weekend, whatever you are up to and I’ll love you and leave you to enjoy the remarkably hot and sticky weather.

Thursday, July 1

So many things to give away and so little time to do it. Up for grabs on today's breakfast show was two more pairs of tickets for the 20/20 cricket in Canterbury. Also tickets for four people to go to Ashford International hotel to watch a Take That tribute group, with a two course meal and late night disco. By the way, why on earth didn't they call themselves Fake That. And finally we gave you more chances to win a 'cook off' at Haguelands Farm. I know what you're thinking, how do they just keep on giving? The answer is simple; they pay us next to nothing and spend all the cash on prizes.

Kentish Express is out today and as normal we welcome our prize winning Editor-In-Chief Mr Robert Barman to the studio. We start off with a very uplifting story about the possibility of 350 jobs being created at the Sainsbury's superstore at Warren Retail Park. We could all do with hearing that in the current climate now couldn't we?

Another amusing story we covered was about the Star Wars obsessed teacher who organised a Star Wars fete for his school as well as lots of other quirky quirks to do with the films, like christening his daughter on May the fourth (be with you). His Mrs must be a very tolerant lady and that's all I'm saying on the matter. Some fantastic pictures as always, as well as a very interesting story on the back page concerning Ashford Town FC, you be foolish not to purchase your copy.

Wednesday, June 30

It's always a bit of a chore coming into work when there's a meeting with the boss hanging over your head. You just never know which way its going to go, to be frank. There is so much to take in to consideration. Firstly, I have my little hour in the morning to discuss with him. Then of course it's the rest of the show with what's her name to tear apart, Kirstyn, that's it I remember now.

The next thing of course is my beloved Graveyard Shift, with Ben “friend’ Watson. Who knows what people are thinking or saying about that. As it happens and as it turns out, everything is ok and it’s carry on as normal, for the time being at least.

I’m quite excited as it happens, because I have now been told I’m going down to Haguelands Farm this Saturday and doing some live links back into Benedict Smith’s Saturday Show, what a laugh. I’ve taking four winners down with me and they are going to have a ‘cook off’. For more information, check out our web-site http://www.kmfm.co.uk/ and you too can be in with a chance of winning.

Finally, my merging game started off with a little tease as to what it was, the clue being James Bond. None of you caught on, its film character’s merged with pop artists, you see, James and James Bond.

10. Robyn (from Batman, did I need to say that?)

9. The Thompson Twins (who were in Tin-Tin)

8. Alicia ROCKY-es

7. SPIDER-MAN-fred Man

6. The DARPH VAD-oors

5. The LUKE SKY-WALKER Brothers

4. CROCODILE Kiki DUN-DEE

3. PINNOCHI-O-asis

2. Stephen TIN-TIN Duffy

1. EDWARD SCISSOR-sister HANDS

Tuesday, June 29

I'll be up front with you; I've still got a bit of a hangover from Sunday. I don't mean because I drank too much, oh no, I mean I'm still feeling the after effects of Englands appalling performance. So I needed to get the old merging game going again, but because of the turmoil I was in emotionally, nothing was happening. But then from nowhere I had an epiphany; it was like a message from the big man himself. Because as I strode forlornly up Mace Lane, frantically wracking my brain for inspiration, there it was, like a perfect vision. Hanging high in the sky above the kmfm studios was a beautiful rainbow, I kid you not. Although there was no rain and hardly any sunshine at 5.30am, it stood out like a sore thumb. Now rainbows always remind me of my favourite fil, The Wizard of Oz. This in turn always reminds me of my favourite baddy character The Wicked Witch of the West. Then it hit me, famous film characters and songs, thank you beautiful rainbow. My merge to start you off then, Will Smiths Wild Wild West and my favourite baddy becomes The Wicked Witch of the Wild Wild West.

10. OLIVER let's TWIST again

9. Band of GOLD-FINGER

8. MISS MONEY-PENNY lane

7. Another brick in the WOLVERINE (X Men)

6. Spirit in the LUKE Sky-WALKER

5. POP-EYE of the tiger

4. Shut Upya F-ACE VENTURA

3. Crocodile ROCK-Y around the clock (2 songs in there plus Rocky, nice one Val)

2. RAM-BO-hemain Rhapsody

1. It'ss a SIN-BAD boys (another 2 and Sinbad, well done Gilo)

Monday, June 28

What a tough start to the week that was. I woke early in a bit of a sweat as it was SO hot last night, plus I needed a wee (that'll be the beer) and I'd had a dream that I'd had a dream that the England game was a dream (does that make sense) and we hadn't lost at all. Unfortunately, as you all know that wasn't the case and then I just felt deflated and wide awake. So for the Monday Morning Surgery, I decided to give it two new rules. There would be NO calls of mopes or moans, gripes or groans, no, we were never to mention the F word (football) and you were only allowed to get in touch with reasons to be cheerful. It had been such a good weekend, apart from the F word, that I didn't want to ruin the feeling. Attended two great school fetes at John Wesley and East Stour School respectively. I'd done my Dusty's Disco, two Graveyard Shifts, The Pilgrims Hospice Moonlight Walk and opened a garden party, so why did they have to go and try to spoil my jubilation?

You lot didn't let me down and we found many many reasons for being cheerful. Chris called in with the England cricket team's series win against the Ausies. It wasn't only Tommy Sweatman's birthday, but his Dad Phil had graduated to become a teacher AND they were off to Euro Disney. Bonjour Ashford had raised nearly five hundred quid for the Kent Air Ambulance. The weather is absolutely stunning, well spotted Dick (see what I did there). We're giving away tickets for the Kent 20/20 matches and finding a winner for the garden make-over. Plus, Robert Pearman wanted to propose to his girlfriend Emma Ashen, aaahhhhhh! You see, plenty of reasons to be cheerful.

So Kirstyn turned up fresh from her weekend exploits. She's been a busy girl too after attending the fetes with me and actually doing the moonlight walk, plus attending a dog show at The Windmill.

Friday, June 25

I am SO feeling the love today, so much so that I can barely contain my over excitement. So many things are in place, for a start it's Friday and if that;s not good enough, the weather is absolutely stunning. Sixteen of you who are now officially in the WWW gang (Wake up With Webbo) text or rang to say how much you were feeling the love too, and thank you, it warms my cockles. Also, I've got my Dusty's Disco tonight at Sandyacres from 7.30 onwards and it's going to be one heck of a party. Its 3 quid on the door, so I advise you to get your glad rags on and get yourself down there, trust me, you won't be disappointed.

I'm back on again tonight for the Graveyard Shift from 1am and tomorrow Kirstyn and I are attending two more school fetes. We'll be at John Wesley School from mid-day and then hot-footing it down to The East Stour School from 1.30ish and doing some judging. As if that wasn't enough, it's off to the outlet where we are helping with The Pilgrims Hospice Moonlight Walk from about 8.30 and to kick-off at 10.30. I'm helping out with the warm up then waving off 1000 ladies and then speeding round to a place in the Town centre to help steward and cheer them on (and have a pint in The George I reckon, which is handy, because they walk right passed).

Back in for another Graveyard Shift from midnight and then hopefully, squeeze in some kip. Sunday lunchtime I'm going to a garden party at 148 Hythe Road, which again is handy because it's a one minute walk. It's organized by Bonjour Ashford, which is a French class and is raising money for the Kent Air Ambulance, everybody is welcome and I'll see you there. Then it's back home to settle down in front of the box to watch the biggest football match this country has seen since, well, since the last England game I suppose.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend whatever you are up to and pop over and say hello if you are attending any of the functions I'm at, I don't bite honest.

Thursday, June 24

Yes, yes, yes, yes and blooming yes again. We did it and I never doubted it for a single minute. Well, perhaps a split second. England have made it to the knock out stages and it looks as if we're going to have to do it the hard way, but that's because we're English and never like to make it easy now, do we? So it's the old enemy (and I mean that in the nicest possible way, bygones are bygones and all that) Germany in the next round and when we dispose of them, it's the other old enemy (same as in the last brackets) Argentina and our nemesis Mara (hand of God) donna. If we put them to bed it's Brazil (probably) in the semis and then in the final, it should be easy as there will be nobody left of any substance, so the Cup is ours basically.

Even in all the excitement of yesterday (and the very sore head that I'm nursing) I still managed to squeeze in a merging game which has at least one of my favourite things involved. It was pubs and pop songs ( you can work out for yourselves which one, it's not hard).

!0. Brothers in THE FARRIERS-ARMS

9. The Leader of THE WOOL-PACK

8. True-BLUE ANCHOR

7. The TIGER Feet INN

6. Great GOLDEN BALL-s of fire

5. THE WORLDS WONDER of you

4. Coward of THE COUNTY-HOTEL

3. Tie a yellow ribbon round THE ROYAL-OAK tree

2. HALFWAY HOUSE of the rising sun

1. Oops Up RIVER-Side your head

Wednesday, June 23

I have the most incredible feeling about today, I don't know why, I just have. Perhaps it's because the sun is sunshine and we've seen off the worst part of the week. But mainly it's because I've finished work, I don't have to pick up the kids and I can go down the pub and watch the drama of the England game unfold. I'm sorry to rub it in, I know there are many of you not as fortunate as I that can get out of work, I don't mean to gloat, honest. As you can imagine, the show had a bit of a football theme going on and my merging game kicked it all off (I do apologise for the pun). So, it was England stars past and present and pop songs, so here is a vague team,

1. The ROBERT GREEN green grass of home (Tom Jones)
2. GLEN JOHN-SON of a preacher man (Dusty Springfield)
3. RIO FER-di-NAND-O (ABBA)
4. MATTHEW and up-SON (Cat Stevens)
5. Old King ASHLEY COLE (NURSERY RHYME)
6. STEPHEN GER-h-ARD Days Night (Beatles)
7. Cotton Eyed JOE COLE
8. I like Driving In My MICHAEL Car-RICK
9. In the A-i-R-RON LENNON tonight
10. The EMILE HES-Key, The Secret (Urban Cookie Collective)
11. WAYNE ROO-oo-ooNEY, don’t take your love to town (Kenny Rogers)

Manager; Fabio Cap-H-ello (Lionel)

Come on England!!!!!

Tuesday, June 22

Some great calls came in to the show today. First off we had young Josh who is 6 and he wanted to say happy birthday to his big brother. When we asked him what he thought was best about his bro Ashley, he said that he loved him, aaahhhhh!

Then we had our dear friend Val from Tenterden on the line. She rang in because Kirst had caught me yawning while she was doing the travel. She said that as soon as she said the word yawn, she couldn't help but do it herself and every time we mentioned the word, she yawned again. I get like that, but normally when Kirst is talking, I'm only jesting.

Then we had a lovely young lady called Adellina who heard us talking about the cow roundabout and the fact that there was a digger actually on the roundabout and the pretend cows had been knocked down. It wasn't so much the cows that worried her; it was the wildlife that lives there. She said she didn't like that they would have nowhere to stay, especially the baby hedgehogs, rabbits and thingymajigs and whatsitmacalleds. She also said that she'd written a letter and everything, bless her.

Today's merging game consisted of films and pop artists and I started you off with There's something about Mary J BLIGE, pop stars in capitals.

10. Men in Black-SABBATH

9. Romancing the Stone-ROSES

8. Ben Hur-SAY

7. Essex Boys-ZONE

6. Robin Hood PRINCE of Thieves

5. DIANA Mc-VICKER-S

4. Slumdog Million-AIR-e SUPPLY

3. Elvis Cost-H-ELLO DOLLY Parton (well done Maggie, two pop stars for the price of one, had to make the film in caps as it looked better)

2. BARRY Bat-MAN-ILOW

1. Caddy-S-HAK-A KHAN

Monday, June 21

Well, what a weekend that was, I know, I say it every week, but it's true, all my weekends deserve a 'what a weekend that was'. So let me talk you through it in a nutshell fashion and in order.

Graveyard Shift 1am until 6am, that's every week for goodness sake, have you not listened yet?

Then I was covering for Finny on the Saturday Breakfast Show

Off to Pheonix School for their fete

Straight down to Godinton School for their do and then it was finally down the pub for a couple of libations and then finally home to crash and burn.

Thankfully, after finishing the Sunday Graveyard Shift it was home for a quick kip and then enjoy my Fathers Day which was fortunately very laid back.

I did nip down to Sandyacres to pick up some tickets for this Friday's Dusty's Disco. So here is what you do if you want to have a fantastic night out. Simply contact me via my mobile phone if you have it, or call the studio between 6 and 10 any morning you fancy. Or, ring Ernie personally on 01233 627373, but you do need to get your fingers out as they are flying out and there are only a small amount on the door.

Friday, June 18

Finally, all the talking can now stop .All the team picking and the whole post mortem of the last game can be put to rest, hallelujah. Now it’s down to the team to put things right and come out fighting as if their lives depend on it. The nerves are a jangling in just about everyone; we just never know what we are going to get from our England team. So I will have a couple of libations to take the edge off and settle the nerves, then focus on the game in hand. Not too many drinks of course as I’ve got The Graveyard Shift to do for goodness sake and I’m nothing if not professional, well, to a point anyway.

Busy busy show today. The first hour flew past as I welcomed calls to the Friday phone-in and my WWW club, that’s the Wake up With Webbo club for the uninitiated. I love every call and text I have to say, but one of my favourites has to be the call I got from Plump and Peachy. I spoke to Plump, whilst Peachy shouted stuff out in the background. It was highly amusing, but I’m pleased I didn’t put them on live I have to say, it got a bit ‘past the watershed’ so to speak. Also had young Henry on and that was a bit of a moment. I thought I’d stick Henry on live as I thought he might be good value, but he didn’t realise he was coming on live and he wanted to surprise his dad without me spoiling it, my deepest apologies Henry.

We welcomed our lovely garden designer and landscape architect Ylva Blid Makenzie to our studio today. She’s from the Madrona Nursery in Bethersden and is a fantastic lady. If you want detailson how to enter the competition we are running, check out the website. But also, if you don’t know (like me) what a jpeg picture is all about, then just drop off a picture to our offices by next Friday and we will enter you.

We also had the Four Cappellos on the line, live from South Africa, to really get us in to the mood for tonight’s game. It turns out they were also live on TV this morning as well, dressed up in all their regalia. They are truly becoming celebrities out there and blooming nice blokes they are too.

So buckle up once again for a bumpy ride and enjoy the game.

Thursday, June 17

Next time I suggest that I'm going out on a school night, do me a favour and tell me not to, I feel terrible now. I know, it's my own fault, there is nobody to blame. Actually, I could pass some of the blame on to my 5-a-side football team; in fact I might blame it all on them now I think of it. They are the ones that encouraged me to play football and then go drinking with them. And they made me stay to watch the World Cup match, so it's completely their fault. Still, I did manage to get here on time and the merging game came to me on the way in. Your clue today was It's T-rain-ing Men. Nobody got it correct, it wasn't pop songs and transport or exercise but pop songs and pop artists, you see, the group TRAIN are in the middle of the song.

10. Behind the green DOORS (Shaky)

9. 20^th Century Boy-ZONE (T Rex)

8. You Don't Bring Me STONE-Roses (Barbara Striesand)

7. DUSTY SPRING-Field-s of Gold (Sting)

6. Paint it BLACK-SABBATH (Stones)

5. I'm Going Slightly Mad-ONNA (Queen)

4. BARRY WHITE-Cliffs of Dover

3. I Eat THE FINE YOUNG Cannibals (Toto Coello)

2. ELVIS COST-h-ELLO (Lionel Ritchie)

1. Papa Was a ROLLING STONE-S ( Temptations)

The Kentish Express is out today and there are SO many good reasons to buy it. Mainly, because of my column which is called Webbo's World Cup for a month and you can get my point of view on our first game, as well as the Robert Green fiasco and probably the best pun in the world, ever, even if I say so myself. But Kirstyn's eye was caught by a picture in the World Cup pages, by three bulldogs dressed up in their England regalia. I have to admit, it is very cute, but she hasn't stopped banging on about it.

Wednesday, June 16

Thanks to the lovely Ginnie for the game today, which she inadvertently came up with by getting yesterday's answer wrong. If you remember, It began with me giving you the clue Our House and you had to get what it was merged with. As it happens, it was Songs and time, ie: h-Our House. Ginnie thought it was literally songs and buildings, hence coming up with today's game, which was surprisingly enough, pop songs and buildings.

10. I like driving in my CA-r-STLE (Madness)

9. Bad ro-MANSION (Ga Ga)

8. BIG Ben (Jackson)

7. Black and White-HOUSE (Jackson)

6. EMPIRE STATE BUILDING of Mind (Alicia Keys)

5. Heartbreak HOTEL (Elvis)

4. HOSPIT-All the love in the world (Dionne Warwick)

3. SC-h-OOL for cats ( Squeeze)

2. Swing BUNGA-low sweet chariot

1. UPTON PARK-life

Of course Upton Park-Life is the winner (by the way, just in case any of you are unaware of Upton Park, it is the home of West Ham), and no I'm not being biased, it was simply the best, end of story.

We had a couple of very exciting packages turn up at the offices today. They contained our official kmfm T-shirts, that's right we now have official merchandising that we are supposed to wear to our outside functions. I have to say, I think I carry mine off a bit better than Kirstyn. Now don't get me wrong, she looks okay but I don't think T-shirts are her thing.

Tuesday, June 15

So, she's back after her day off sitting her exams, bless her. So I decided to do a merging game early so I could wrap it up before her imminent entrance. I thought I'd give you a little clue to start you all off. And the clue was Our House by Madness and asked you to think 'outside the box'. Finally Den, Ginnie and Kerry guessed correctly and it was pop songs merged with 'time'. That's right, because us ex-Londoners drop our h's, so it becomes h-Our House, get it, good, here is the top ten.

10. Yesterday (Beatles)

9. Millennium (Robbie)

8. Turn Back Time (Cher)

7. Beat the Clock (Sparks)

6. The Living Years (Mike and the Mechanics)

5. 7 Days (Craig David)

4. Hard Days Night (Beatles)

3. Happy Hour (Housemartins)

2. Stop for a Minute (Keane)

1. 21 Seconds (So Solid Crew)

So one of the first things Kirstyn came up with, which got an immediate giggle from me, was as we were discussing our new competition which involves a garden make-over. She said her Mum looks after hers, but she goes out there every now and again for a clear-out. That conjured up an image I really didn’t want to have.

By the way, if you fancy a garden make-over and 200 quids worth of plants to get you started then read on. Thanks to our friends at Madrona Nursery in Bethersden and a lovely lady called Yiva (pronounced Eva) Blid Mackenzie who has been a landscape architect and garden designer for over ten years, we are giving you the chance to win. All you do is send in a jpeg picture of your garden, or someone deserving, and why you or they deserve to win and e mail it to garden@kmfm.co.uk

Finally, it was good to speak to our correspondents out in South Africa, The Four Cappello’s, and find out what was going on out there. The boys are in good spirits and having the time of their lives. We will be chatting to them again on Friday in readiness for our next game and you can also catch up with them in this weeks Kentish Express with pictures.

Monday, June 14

I was flying solo today, sailing that ship alone like a ‘billy no-mates’. Kirstyn Read is off the radio and is right at this very moment in time sitting an exam in physcology ... I can’t even spell it. I can’t believe that the bosses have finally agreed to let me go it alone without being overseen. But I think it went okay. I didn’t manage to blow anything up and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I have to say though, I do prefer it when Kirstyn is here, but don’t tell her that of course, I don’t want her thinking I can’t cope.

Had so much to talk about, so that was handy as talking is all part of the gig. Saturday was a very busy day, but a very enjoyable one. In the morning I played golf with Jamie Staff at Homelands, in aid of the Daisy Washington Memorial Fund golf day. The Langs and The Washingtons deserve an awful lot of credit for the immaculate organisation of the event and the incredible amount of money raised. This year, the beneficiary was the Demelza House Fund.

From there I was over to the Smeeth and Brabourne Village Fete, to make a ‘special guest appearance’ as Jamie Staff officially opened it.

Then I was over to the hockey club in Bull Lane, to present some medals to The Invicta Valliants special needs football teams then back to the golf club for their presentation. Then the only down side of the day, was getting home and watching the England match. But I’m not going to worry, I still think we can go all the way.

Sunday I popped over to Sandyacres as Ashford Borough had their football presentation day which was, yet again, very well organised. Well done to Richard and Jackie Walbridge for the immense amount of work they put in to that club, they deserve their own medal.

Right, I’m off to the Julie Rose stadium, where my daughter is taking part in some athletic event or another, so I’ll see you (figuratively speaking) tomorrow from 6am and the delectable Kirst will be back from 7am.

 

Friday, June 11

I thought I'd start my blog off with something to inspire and excite us and can think of nothing better this verse from the classic hymn Jerusalem.

Bring me my bow of burning gold!

Bring me my arrows of desire! Ashford

Bring me my spear! O clouds unfold!

Bring me my chariot of fire! Tenterden

I will not cease from mental fight,

Nor will my sword sleep in my hand,

Till we have built Jerusalem

In England's green and pleasant land. Surrounding areas

I read the whole hymn out this morning and I have to say, with the Star Wars theme tune behind it, sounded great. It might have been better if say Winston Churchill read it out, but frankly that would have been impossible for so many reasons.

Really enjoyed today's show as we went a bit football crazy. As well as play Skinner and Baddiel's Three Loins and New Order's, World in Motion, we somehow or another managed to get a South African lady on the phone. Chantelle rang in with her real-life Afrikaan's accent, what a great moment and what a lovely lady. I tried to talk to her using my best impersonation accent, but was rather shot down in flames.

We then managed to speak to one of our fans (when I say 'our fans', I don't mean of the show, I mean England fans, although I think they like the show), actually in Johannesburg. They have now become our 'on the spot' reporters and will be calling in on a regular basis. The most intriguing part of it, is that all four mates are dressed up like Fabio Capello. If you don't have the Kentish Express (what's the matter with you?) then go out and buy one as there is a World Cup special on pages 8 and 9 and a picture of our new correspondents. Plus you will find my Webbo's World Cup column, so hurry up before they all run out.

Come on England.

Thursday, June 10

It's now 2 days 13 hours and 58 minutes and a few seconds, but let's not squabble about that. In fact while I'm writing the whole squabble thing, it's now 57 minutes, actually now 56, but let's leave it there and move on. By the way, some of you must be thinking what the hell am I rattling on about, I mean the first England game against the USA, of course. But it's not all about the football of course, life goes on as indeed we all must.

So I handed the reins of the merging game over to our dear friend in Tenterden, Val, who came up with merging sportsmen and women, with food. She gave me three examples which were Joe Cloe-mans mustard; Sugar Ray Robinson's Jam and Diego Mara-Donna Kebab, here is your top ten

10. Ronaldo-nuts

9. Jenson Button-mushrooms

8. Mark Spitz-roast

7. Alan Lamb-shanks

6. David Bech-Ham egg and chips

5. Jimmy White-bait

4. Fatima Whitbread and Nicky But-ter pudding

3. Dame Jelly Holmes

2. Andy Murray-mints

1. Ronnie Sulli-coq-au Van

And here is a whole squad of sportsmen for you Ce-Real Madrid.

It's Kentish Express review day folks and one of the subjects covered were Shared Space-the return, which is the front page headline. Basically, somebody thinks it might be a good idea to make ALL of the ring road a shared space area. Are they having a laugh, the amount of time and money and the disruption caused, not three years ago and they want to do it all again, surely they jest?

Wednesday, June 9

Let's get straight down to the nitty-gritty. I wasn't actually going to do a 'merge' today, I thought I might give it a well earned rest. That was until I got a call from Josiie Coglan, who is the wife of Jim who in turn is a regular 'merger'. She informed me that her hubby and his friend Mully, were in competition with each other to see who comes up with the best, the winner paying for the beers on an upcoming stag do. So I quickly came up with one, which was pop artists and body parts, I offered up one and one only, which was Toto (that's two toes in there) Coela (they sang I eat cannibals). And by the way Mully, looks like the beers are on you, because you were rubbish today. In fact you're not even in the top ten.

10. Heady Grant

9. Shin-a Easton

8. Bryan Adams-apple

7. Talking Heads

6. The Eye-sley Brothers

5. Paul McCart-knee

4. Michael Boob-le (don’t really get that one)

3. Toe-Knee Braxton

2. New Kid-neys on the Block

1. And the winner by a country mile goes to Jim Coglan, which is, Spandau Belly

The rest of the show seemed to be taken up by Kirstyn banging on about having kids and getting married, in fairness we've not had that now for, oh I don't know, about two days. Just as I manage to get her off the conversation, Mich rings up and starts her off all over again, honestly.

Tuesday, June 8

The World Cup feeling is at fever pitch and as I travel around Ashford visiting local hostelries, I can't help but get an enormous sense of patriotism and pride. Our local pubs, bar none, have gone all out and making a very special effort to make our viewing of the games an occasion to remember. There are large screens being hung up everyone even as we speak. So everything is in place and all we need now is for our team, nay country, not to let us down.

On that note, I thought I'd chuck in a World Cup themed merge today, which comes to us via my Graveyard Shift co-host Ben 'Friend' Watson. Basically, we merge together famous players with pop songs, and here is your top ten.

10. Jilted JOHN TERRY (Jilted John)

9. A FRANK LAMP-h-ARD Days Night (Beatles)

8. Paint it MICHAEL B-a-LLACK

7. RIO (Ferdinand) (Duran Duran)

6. Don't go breaking my JOE HART (Kiki and Elton)

5. Father and GLEN JOHN-Son (Cat Stevens)

4. In the Gh-ETO (Elvis)

3. BOBBY M-o-ORE than a woman (Bee Gees)

2. LEDLEY KING Creole (Elvis)

1. I like driving in my KAKA (Madness)

Finally, we welcomed in to the studio our new friend Sophie Ashdown, six, and her Mum Georgina. Her Mum got in touch to let us now how much she liked listening to the show and also how poorly she has been. Well, we couldn't let that pass us by, so we duly invited her in to the show and I am so pleased that we did. She is a true inspiration as she does not let he illness get in the way of enjoying life. She has the most infectious giggle that I have ever heard and I miss it already, so much so that we have invited her back any time wants to pop by.

Monday, June 7

My dear friends and loyal readers/listeners, may I make a couple of earnest and heartfelt apologies on three separate issues. Firstly, today's blog will have to be short and sweet because I have to go to Medway (uughh) for a meeting between our 'other' breakfast shows presenters.

Secondly, for the fact you didn't get ANY blog of Friday, this is because I was down at Great Chart Golf and Leisure for my zorbing experience.

And lastly but by no means leastly, I can't apologise enough for the dreadful screaming that you had to put up with as I was launched in my zorbing ball down a 25 ft inflatable ramp and down a hill. It was something between a banshee, a girl (no disrespect ladies, but it was very girlie) and a wailing baby. But it was an absolutely blinding experience, not literally I hasten to add.

See you tomorrow.

Thursday, June 3

I think I’ve peeked too early, but no change there, I’m just a bit too over excited about the World Cup. I think it’s since I saw that classic picture of the lads going up the steps to board the plane to South Africa and glory. This led me to having my merging game about World Cup team countries and pop songs. Your starter for 10 was Bruce Springstein’s Born in the USA.

10. ENG-Land of make believe (Bucks Fizz)

9. Don’t cry for me ARGENTINA (Madonna)

8. You can call me Al-GERIA (Paul Simon)

7. We’re only making plans for NIGERIA (XTC)

6. MEXI-CO-pa Cabanna (Barry Manilow)

5. SPAIN-ish Eyes (Al Marino)

4. Poison IV-or-Y COAST (The Coasters)

3. GER-Many rivers to flow (UB40)

2. Total ITAL-Yclipse of the heart (Bonnie Tyler)

1. It’s now or NETHER-Lands (Elvis)

Took a fantastic phone call from 1 of 46 (that’s right, FORTY SIX) women who are on their way to Magaluf for a 50^th birthday celebration and hen night. My goodness me, I wonder if Spain realises what it’s in for. We had a chat while they were on the coach to the airport and if the noise they were making is anything to go by, it’s going to be mayhem.

Wednesday, June 2

Normality reigns as Kirstyn returns to the fold after having an extra day off over the Bank Holiday weekend. But first things first, it's my hour before she gets in and I start the merging game a bit earlier than normal. One of my favourite songs from back in the Seventies when punk had its day, was Hurry up Harry, which basically went a bit like this:

Come on, come on,

Hurry up Harry come on.

Come on, come on,

Hurry up Harry come on,

We'r going down the pub

Ad so on and so forth. It will mean nothing to any of you under the age of 40, but it won' stop me. It was written by the lyrical genius Jimmy Pursey, whose band was called Sham 69. Incidentally, that' an acronym for Skin Heads Are Magic and the 69 was for the year they originally were invented. Anyway, the reason I'm anging on about them is because my game this morning was pop artists merged with our beautiful surrounding areas and your starter for ten was Mer-SHAM 69, over to you lot.

10. ASH-ford

9. TENTER-ten-pole Tudor

8. St. MICHAEL-s Jackson

7. Charlotte WOOD-Church

6. PLUCK-LEY-ona Lewis

5. Red HOT-hfield Chile Peppers

4. The PARK-Farm

3. Go WEST-Well

2. CHAR-ing-O Starr

1. The APPLE-Door-s

Just in case you are unaware, the breakfast show is going on the road this coming Friday. I will be down at the Great Chart Golf and Leisure complex on Bear Lane, where I will be doing live links back to Kirstyn in the studio as we launch their incredible Zorbing Balls. Basically, they are giant hamster balls that you roll down a hill in, or walk across water in. I will be hopefully trying to speak to Kirst whilst plummeting down the hill, should be interesting. You can all have a go from 9am, and some of the money you pay goes to The Pilgrims Hospice. If you want to come down earlier and keep me company, I'll be there from 7.30, so I hope to see as many of you as possible. It's going to be a bit of a party and don't forget they also have pitch and put golf as well as a nine hole course, archery, beach volleyball, a driving range and paintballing.

Tuesday, June 1

Got my daughter Maisy to stand in for Kirstyn today as she is taking a well earned break. I thought we'd try out a feature called 'Out the mouths of babes' and get Maisy to answer questions that are prevalent to our times. We started off with a nice easy one and I asked her what she thought about England's chances at the World Cup. Bless her; she knows nothing about football, apart from that it's her Dad's passion. She was doing quite well in fairness, until I asked her if there are any other countries apart from England that she fancied winning. She said West Ham, ahh. I then explained it was actual countries that took part and not club sides, her comeback was: what about Arsenal then?

Next on the list was what she thought of the General Election results and did she think that the coalition government could possibly succeed. Again, she was doing very well, until the moment arose about who ran the Labour Party. Without the blink of an eye she replied Gordon Ramsay. Now to be totally honest, I don't really think she has to concern herself with such matters, as long as she is learning right from wrong and that stuff can wait, there's no point it getting all hot and bothered about it for a few years yet. And actually, I do think that Gordon Ramsay would do quite a good job with our country, although we might have to bleep a lot of his speeches.

It's all back to normal tomorrow, I think it is anyway, not seen or heard from Kirstyn since I saw her at the bike ride on Sunday, so fingers crossed that the equilibrium will be restored once again.

Friday, May 28

Its Friday I'm in love, especially on a Bank Holiday weekend. As I sit here in preparation for the weekend's events, my mind can't help but wander. Probably not to what you imagine, but to my personal masseuse Chezza, who will be performing a miracle on my legs to get them ready for the 23-mile bike ride I will be attempting on Sunday. Apparently, she reckons she can make them feel 22 again, if only she could do the same with the rest of me. Chezza, who works at Angels in New Rents has kindly volunteered her services, so as to make sure I complete the course in plenty of time and not too far behind the rest of the pack. I would like to show her my appreciation by giving her a 'big up' in my blog and recommend her highly. I hope to see as many of you as possible en route during the ride and know how generous you will be. I will also be down at the Rolvenden Village Fete at midday to officially open the whole affair and sounds as if it's going to be an absolute blinder. I'll be hanging around a while before mounting my bike again and playing catch up with all the others. Unfortunately Kirstyn was a little late getting her entry form in, so she will be in her car filming the whole event, I ask you, what a cop out.

I'm still reeling from Kirstyn's answer to What was Picasso's first name, which she thought was Dave. But it got me thinking about some the hysterical answers on Family Fortunes, for instance, Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell. Something you open other than a door? Your bowels. Name a famous bridge? A bridge over troubled waters. For more of these, tune in to me and Ben 'Friend' on the Graveyard Shift from midnight on Sunday. I would do it tonight, from 1am, but we are having our three-and-a-half-month anniversary party and just won't get time. And lastly but not leastly, don't forget Kirstyn is doing her Eighties thing from 7 tonight.

Have an absolutely phenomenal Bank Holiday weekend and I love you all!!

Thursday, May 27

So, she did it, she actually did it, Kirstyn Read off the radio when through with her Weakest Link audition and will find out very soon if she was successful and will appear on our gogglebox in the near future. I was concerned when she told me some strange random man called her and asked to meet her at a hotel, but it was all kosher and above board, thank goodness. She had to be interviewed about her life and stuff, turns out she managed to mention she had a dog called Cash, that was news to me, don't think she's mentioned that before. Then it was on to the fun bit, playing a round of the game. Turns out that one of the producers, who was pretending to be Anne, was quite rude to her, I'll be having words, don't you worry. It all seemed to be going well in the question round, until that is, it got to 'What was Piccasso's first name?'. She asked me that on air, and of course I said Pablo, which is the correct answer. Kirstyn had opted for Dave, that's right, Dave Piccasso, oh how we laughed. She was then asked what was Nelson's last battle?, to which she replied Waterloo. It was only when I asked her where in London Nelson's Column was, which is of course Trafalgar Square that the penny dropped. To be honest, I reckon those answers might just nail her the gig, because they are looking for people like Kirstyn, you know, a bit away with the fairies.

Wednesday, May 26

16 days to go my friends, World Cup fever has completely encompassed my every waking hour and none more so than today. We played some extracts from the finalists of our Song for England competition and it's really got me in the mood. If you want to have a listen to them in their full glory, then log on to our website and click on the big England flag and vote for your favorite, or your mates, whatever, just give it a go.

Today's show was rather dominated by the imminent audition that faces our very own Kirstyn Read off the radio. She is heading down to a hotel in Maidstone to meet producers (allegedly) of Anne Robinson's The Weakest Link, I find this absolutely hysterical for some reason. Bless her, she is so nervous and I'm not sure if I helped the situation. I thought it would be rather a hoot to have a few questions each for each other and see who was the studio's weakest link? I kept mine nice and simple as not to upset her apple cart. She got two of them correct but then sadly slipped up on the last, I asked her What word for the past tense of rise is also a widely cultivated flower? She went for 'risen', that's right, that popular flower 'risen'. I said that if she wins, I'll send her a bunch of risens. Of course, the answer was rose; I hope I haven't dented her confidence too much.

To try to emulate Kirstyn's possible TV appearance, I have decided to apply for as many game shows as humanly possible. I've already filled out my form to appear on Total Wipeout and my next port of call, thanks to a suggestion from our lovely listener Shirley; I'm going in for the new show on Watch called Scream if you know the answer. Basically, it's a general knowledge game, but you answer the questions while being 'rollercoatered'; seems reasonable.

Tuesday, May 25

Had that horrible sick feeling in my stomach for most of the morning when I read an email about opening up the Rolvenden Village Fete on Sunday. It's nothing to do with the fete itself I must hasten to add, its just that I've managed to double book myself and felt terrible that I might have to let someone down. Because on the same day, I'm supposed to be darting around the countryside on my bike with 200 other people in the Heather Wynter Cycle for Life. But it's now okay, I've got a foolproof plan and will still be able to fit both in. I'll be cycling the same distance, just taking a different route, hey ho.

Had a phone call from a lovely lady called Linda, who told us it was her birthday yesterday but nobody rang in on her behalf for best wishes. I tried to use an analogy, that because she is SO popular, everyone must have thought somebody else would make the call. A bit like a fire, I said, we all think that someone else would have already called the fire brigade and nobody did. Kirstyn let me have it with both barrels and said how ridiculous I was being. She even went as far as to suggest that my mentality was because I'm from Stanhope, the cheek of the girl!

Merged together TV programmes with pop songs today, here is the top ten

10. Strictly come DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT (Toploader)

9. The X Fac-TOR-N (Natalie Imbruglia)

8. Dancing on ICE ICE BABY (Vanilla Ice)

7. Match of the DAY-TRIPPER (Beatles)

6. Coranation STREET-LIFE (Randy Crawford)

5. HE AINT HEAVY, HE'S MY big-BROTHER

4. BY THE RIVERS OF hotel BABYLON (Boney M)

3. FATHER Ted AND SON (Cat Stevens)

2. Only Fools and CRAZY-HORSES (Osmonds)

1. Darling Buds of MAGGIE-MAY

Monday, May 24

Where do I begin? Friday night I spent in the company of the lovely Great Chart football club. I had the pleasure of presenting the awards as well as being behind the disco with the musical genius that is MC Gary Mooro. I got so excited at House of Pain's Jump Around that I re-pulled my muscle. Then it was back to the office for my Graveyard Shift where me and Ben 'Friend' had a game of on-air darts, for the first and last time ever.

Saturday morning me and my boy headed down to the Willesborough Cafe for a fry-up, although as soon as I got there I fancied pie mash and liquor instead, honestly, I can't get enough of it (the pie mash and liquor I mean). Had a little doze in the garden before the sport started, we had the Championship play-off final, the rugby Heineken cup final, followed by the Champions League final, what a day.

Sunday was a bit special and I spent a great afternoon in The Farriers Arms in Mersham, watching a fantastic group called Hullabaloo. A couple of glasses of vino in the sunshine in the garden with some good company and live music, it frankly doesn't get any better. Got a little bit pink on the body in the blistering heat, and that was with a factor 50, it was steaming, not that I'm complaining. Then I snuggled down to watch An Audience with Michael Buble, I have to say, I think the man is brilliant and if I batted for the other team, I'd be chasing him down. He's got it all going on, the looks, the voice and a great sense of humour. Think I need to calm down a bit.

It's always good meeting up with Kirstyn again after our weekend apart and catching up on events, although Kirst had quite a laid back one, just as well really as I had so much to bang on about.

One of the big talking points today was the fox that I saw this morning as I was leaving for work, he saw me, gave me a filthy look and then ran off. I then noticed all the way down my road and Hythe Road, he'd left complete devastation where he had ripped open every single black bin liner and left a trail of rubbish behind him. I know they don't hunt in packs but there had to be more than one of them, he wouldn't have had the time on his own.

Friday, May 21

You were all feeling the weekend love this morning as it dawned on all of us that the sun will be shining for the next three days, what a laugh, it's a bbq weekend and just in case anyone's having one, let me know, I'm well up for it.

The Friday Phone-in went ever so well this morning and the first call set the tone for the show and also gave me an idea. Tracey in Beaver Lane rang in with a bit of a confession to make. Frankly she has been unfaithful to me and has had an affair over the last three days, but has seen the error of her ways and returned to the warmth of my arms. Before you get any wrong ideas, Tracey tuned in to another radio show just for a bit of a change. She didn't feel very good about it and needed to purge herself and that's what I'm here for and after all, she's back where she belongs so I'll forgive and forget. And the idea if to have a Friday Confessional, what do you reckon?

Kirstyn Read turned up in a really good mood, not exactly sure why, but I'm not asking questions I'm just pleased to have some respite. She also looked adorable in a very 'hippy' kind of pirate kind of way. A long frilly cheesecloth style of blouse, very Woodstock and a white bandana with stars on it, very Johnny Depp. I'm not taking the mick, honest, she looked great!

We had Ashford legend Heather Wynter on the show today to talk up the Cycle for Life bike ride that's happening next week in aid of The Bobby Moore Fund, which raises money for bowel cancer awareness and research, a disease that Heather has suffered from and is currently in remission with. There will be 200 of us cycling around the countryside next Sunday having as much fun as possible as well as raising as much money as we can. If any business out there wants to sponsor me to finish the course, please do contact me and I will give your company a gigantic plug as well as my love and respect. We also have a signed 'double winning' Chelsea football to auction and at the moment have 200 quid bid, if you want to top that, please drop me a line.

So have a great weekend my dear friends, enjoy the sunshine, but take care and don't overdo it. Kirst back tonight for The Essential Eighties and me back on The Graveyard Shift at 1am tomorrow.

Thursday, May 20

Now when I get up in the morning I go through the same routine to get me going. It's straight to the toilet (that's a whole prostate age problem) on with the kettle (washed hands already of course) and then make the sarnies for the kids. My cup of tea then comes in to the front room with me while I do some weight training to get the blood pumping and I switch on the TV to watch the news in case anything dramatic has happened overnight. This morning I switched over during the commercial break and happened upon one of my favourite old American sit-coms, Frasier. Now I know this is a very long winded way of going about it, but this is what gave me the idea for the merging game. It's pop groups and TV programmes, like Frasier-light. You see what I've done there, Razorlight became Frasier-light, I know, genius.

10. Mary, MUNGO JERRY and Midge.

9. DR. WHO and the medics

8. SPONGE-BOB Marley and the wailers

7. TOM & JERRY and the pacemakers

6. Uncle KRACKER-jack

5. Simply RED DWARF

4. Buddy HOLLY-OAKS and the crickets

3, ZZ TOP GEAR

2. BAG-PUSSY cat dolls

1. The SCOOBY DOO-by brothers

Kentish Express review day and one of the stories that stuck out for me was the tragic death of a local legend, namely Andre Baker. A very sad story and already the tributes are flying in to our paper and I think more and more will follow.

Wednesday, May 19

The great Sammy Davies Jnr, he of the original Rat Pack, inspired my little merging game today and also gave me the inspiration for my opening link where I take a song and turn it into an 'Ashford, Tenterden and surrounding areas' themed song. Today was The Candy Man and is beautiful.

Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew

Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two

The candy man, oh the candy man can

The candy man can cos he mixes it with love

And makes the world taste good

Anyway, the merging game consisted of pop songs and confectionary and here are the top ten.

10. We gnona make you a star-BURST (David Essex)

9. ROLO-ver Beethoven (Chuck Berry)

8. Let's TWIX again (Chubby Checker)

7. Life on MARS (David Bowie)

6. ANISEED TWIST-ing by the pool (Dire Straits)

5. Paint it BLACK-JACK (The Stones)

4. Careless WHISPER (George Michael)

3. It must be LOVE-HEARTS (Madness)

2. Uptown TWIRL (Billy Joel)

1. Is this the MILKY-WAY to Amarillo (Tony Christie)

And finally, I have now claimed back Headcorn from the clutches of two of our sister stations, it is a friendly rivalry, but one I'm determined to win. Headcorn kind of falls in between us and Maidstone and also West Kent which is Neil Faraday (or Faraway as I like to call him and wish he was. I also like to call him the human snooze button, because when you wake up to your radio alarm clock and hear him, you immediately nod off again). So I have taken the Bull by the horns and decided it's ours and I'm going over on Thursday night, to stick my flag in and claim it properly and officially, as well as watch my boy play cricket, what a coincidence.

Tuesday, May 18

I'm loving the Stick it for Cash competition and it would seem you lot are also. That's because every single winner has thus far come from our area. Now this could be for a number of reasons, but the two I'm going with is that you love to wear our colours and show off who you listen to and because you listen more than everyone else. Actually, there is another reason which is that every member of staff that works here are writing down your registration numbers as well as the cruiser gang. So it's a superb team effort and long may it continue, let's keep the dosh down our neck of the woods.

It was the Tuesday merge today and I went for a bit of mixing up pop songs together, your starter for ten was It must be Love is all Around. Of course that's the classic Madness song merged together with Wet Wet Wet's. Get it?

10. Hollywood NIGHTS in White Satin

9. Girl CRAZY Chick

8. Golden BROWN Sugar

7. Up where we be-LONG and Winding Road

6. I ONE shot The sheriff

5. Band on the RUN to YOU make me feel brand NEW York New York

4. Honky Tonk WOMEN in LOVE is all AROUND my heart-BEAT

3. 12 3 times a LADY in RED Red Wine

2. I want your SEX on FIRE-starter

1. Down in a Tube Station at mid-NIGHT train to GEORGIA on my Mind.

Good work everyone.

Monday, May 17

Oh dear, we had to have our new pictures taken for the web-site after the show today, what a rigmarole. It's very tough trying to get Kirstyn to pose for a picture at the best of times. So while all the other jocks are getting snapped, Kirst was applying her make up (with a trowel) and when it was time for our picture, she insisted on standing over me, as if to prove who is in charge. I kind of felt obliged to just let it happen and keep the peace.

Had a great weekend, thanks for asking. It all began down at Sandyacres on Friday night where we held the inaugural Dusty's Years PARTY, as opposed to Disco, it's exactly the same really, except at a different location. It was a full to the rafters, but plenty of dancefloor space and you all made the most of it, we've never 'Oops upside your Head' quite like that before I can tell you. Saturday morning it was up at the crack of dawn (alright, 7.30 but it was my lie in after all) to go and visit Meridian Court and our friends Sylvie and Gordon. They were officially opening their new 'meeting place' and we joined in with the festivities, well I did, Kirst just ate the Lemon Tart.

Now I do have to move on, my dear friend and ex-producer Bob, has turned up unannounced and is bugging me to take him for a beer. Yes I know it's early, but you have to remember that I'm up at 4am, so this is my lunchtime, so give me a break. By the way Bob now does Kent Talks from 10pm and he's brilliant. Tonight he is joined by plastic surgeon Marc Pacifico (which has to be the best name in the world). He will answer all your questions and queries so e mail Bob now, and Marc will respond very specific-o.

Friday, May 14

Just very quickly, before I launch in to my ‘non-award winning’ award winning blog, let me just say that there are a couple of words that have recently come in to my life and caused great upset. I do love a word, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that some fill me with a feeling of nausea. The reason for this coming to light is because of an infection that I’ve had in my eye. I went down to see a very friendly pharmacist in town for some advice. The equally as nice assistant took a look at my eye and asked if there was any, wait for it, SEEPAGE, I very nearly chundered on the spot, but little did I know what other word was just about to be said in my general direction. A very beautiful lady came to give a second opinion on the aforementioned infected eye. She got right in my face which was a tad uncomfortable as I was worried that I might have coffee breath. She asked a few questions that all seemed to go down quite well, but then it happened, the word was uttered. Just after asking if my eye was sticky she then added "is there any DISCHARGE?". I can hardly write the word let alone say or hear it. It’s such a disgusting utterance and conjures up some awful images. Is it just me? Am I over-reacting? Are there any other words that have the same effect on you? Well if that is the case, drop me a line at jwebster@kmfm.co.uk and I’ll give them a mention.

So just to remind you, Kirstyn Read (you remember her, you know, the one that pops in to join me in the morning at 7 o’clock-ish) is doing her own thing tonight at 7pm (funny, she’s never late for that one) and I’m on The Graveyard Shift at 1am, after hot-footing it back from Sandyacres and my Dusty’s Years Disco where I hope to see some of you. Have a great weekend people!

Thursday, May 13

Oh wow, what a moment. I've been campaigning for months to drop the old text number and finally they've paid heed. So no more 81800, it is defunct, it is extinct it has had the final curtain brought down on its glittering career and its time for a new number to step in to the spotlight. So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I would like to introduce you to the new star of the show, please welcome 80889. that's eight, nought, eight, eight, nine. I hope it goes on to have a long lasting and successful career, we wish it all the best for the future and I hope you can take it to your hearts as we have.

It was the Thursday merge today and we mixed solo pop artists with groups. I'll put the solo artist in capitals.

10. PINK Floyd

9. Duran Dur-AN-NIE LENNOX

8. The Fine WILL YOUNG Cannibals

7. The Pussy CAT STEVENS Dolls

6. MICHAEL JACKSON five

5. Gene-SISCO

4. CILLA BLACK Sabbath

3. Hot AMY WINE-house flowers

2. ROBERT Emerson Lake and PALMER

1. CARLY SIMON and Garfunkle

Thursday is Kentish Express review day with editor Robert Barman and to be honest it contains one of the best pictures I have ever seen, not just in the KE, but ever, ever seen, ever, anywhere. Two pensioners in their eighties rolled their car in to a ditch and the emergency services were called. The car was almost on its side but before the couple were released, the plucky gentleman asked for a fireman to take a picture of him with his thumbs up (in his driving gloves) to show he was okay. Plus he got another fireman to jump in the shot to make it look more exciting. I doff my cap to you sir; my only disappointment is that his wife didn't lean in.

Wednesday, May 12

I suppose the most interesting part of the show today (actually I hope all of it was interesting) was when we received a phone call from a lovely lady called Mandy who helps out with a horse refuge in Baddlesmere, which is kind of between us and Canterbury (although I am claiming it as Ashford's).She told us yesterday that the two horses who had been in the field over near Repton Park and The Warren and were in quite bad shape, had been rescued. They had received many concerned calls asking if the poor animals had passed away and she wanted to reassure us that they were fine and now in very good health. This phone call spiraled in to something completely random, let me explain. We had a birthday mention to do and one of the 'well wishers' was a guy called Basil. Kirstyn and I both expressed how keen we are on the name Basil. It reminded us of such people like Basil Fawlty of course, Basil Rathbone (the original Sherlock Holmes actor) and Basil 'boom boom' Brush. It also reminded me of an Ashford legend called Basil Riley who was a pub landlord at the old Thanet Arms in Hothfield, but most famously as a wrestler, grappling under the name of Romany Riley. Are you keeping up with me? We then thought that Basil would be a great name for one of the rescued horses. You could have knocked us down with a feather when Mandy rang back to say that the refuge had heard our story, were very chuffed and decided to call their most recent rescued Dartmoor Pony 'kmfm Basil', what a laugh.

To top the whole thing off, we then took a call from Basil 'Romany' Riley himself, who I'm pleased to say is very much alive and kicking, what a day!

Tuesday, May 11

I'm falling to pieces I think. I just can't shake off this blooming football injury, it's either an age thing or it's a more serious injury than I first thought. Secondly I've got something in my eye and it's causing massive annoyance. It's gone completely red on the inner part of the left eye nearest my nose. It was worse yesterday, but yesterday Kirstyn came in with the right hump and I don't think she even looked at me to realize the pain I was suffering. Today she's come in in a better mood and now won't stop pestering me about going to the doctors and then rang my Mum to grass me up and guilt me in to going. I'm not sure which is worse to be honest with you, but at least she cares I suppose.

Thought we'd have a little Tuesday merge, I do like a merge on a Tuesday you know. Today I thought I'd use our beautiful surrounding areas and mix them up with pop songs, for instance Bra-BOURNE IN THE USA, by the Bruce Springstein.

10. YOUR LOVE IS KING-snorth (Sade)

9. Hoth-FIELDS OF GOLD (Sting)

8. GO WEST-well (Pet Shop Boys)

7. Wye DOES THE RAIN ALWAYS FALL ON ME (Travis)

6. PERFECT TEN-terden (Beautiful South)

5. PARK farm LIFE

4. THE FROG's Island SONG

3. I SHOULD BE SO pLUCKleY (Kylie)

2. UP THE JUNCTION 10 (Squeeze)

1 I'D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING-leton

Other snippets from today's show include Kirstyn getting some weird kick out of riding the horse in the swing park at The Recreation Ground in Tenterden. The fact that she is not fussy a all when it comes to men (her words not mine), which I'm sure will put half the single men in Ashford, Tenterden and surrounding areas on red alert. And finally, I thought it would be a good idea if we all just went back to our youth when things were so much simpler and innocent and I've decided to organize a massive game of 'single grown up kiss chase'. I think it would be a brilliant way of meeting people.

Monday, May 10

The one thing that sticks out head and shoulders about my weekend was my visit to The Stag Theatre in Sevenoaks, where a very proud Dad sat and watched in amazement as his daughter sang and danced and entertained the full house and cried his eyes out, unashamed blubbing. I should point out that most of my family were there watching, as well as a lot of other proud parents doing very much the same as I. The Showbiz Academy run by Rachel Dickson and her many helpers should take a bow for the incredible job that they did. We were there of course to watch our own children, or grandchildren etc etc, but you have to take your hat off to the whole of the proceedings. It was called Thank You for the Musicals, a very clever title and it did what it said on the can. A tribute to many musicals we all have grown to love plus a couple that were new to me, namely Blood Brothers and Sweeney Todd, we were all completely blown away with the whole professionalism and clapped and whooped until our hands were sore and our voices horse. Congratulations to every single person involved, you are all stars. Check out my column this week in the KE for more info.

Friday night I was Dusty's Disco-ing it right up. It was a funny evening that started off slower than normal, but then turned in to a pile of heaving sweaty bodies, more than ever before, gyrating on the floor and having a ball. Myself and Gary Moore get just as much fun out of the evening as you do and can't wait for the next one. Fortunately, we don't have to wait too long as it is this Friday night at Sandyacres (call Ernie on 01233 627373 to reserve a ticket, because they are flying out).

Kirstyn kept herself to herself today and wasn't giving away too much about what she got up to. But she did manage to slip in to the conversation food again and had a bit of an unfortunate incident with a quiche. Now I learnt a long time ago that a) I love quiche b) it really fills you up, mainly because of the pastry and c) it makes you very windy. I suppose the upside of this is that it was only Kirst and her dog Cash that had to suffer the backlash. So remember, if you are on a date and out to impress, give the quiche a wide berth.

Friday, May 7

My sincerest apologies for yesterday’s oversight! I got rather waylaid by a meeting and some other bits and bobs, then was chasing my tail trying to get to Homelands to watch my boy play football in his school’s cup final and completely forgot to do my beloved blog, what am I like? By the way, Norton Knatchbull won the match 3-0 and my boy got the coveted man of the match award so I’m a very proud Father.
What you don’t know about, because of my absence, is that I was almost mortally wounded on Wednesday night playing 5-a-side football. I didn’t want sympathy from my friend and colleague Kirstyn Read, which was just as well because I didn’t get any, she really doesn’t get the whole 'playing football’ thing and I’m fed up with trying to explain. Not sure if I’ve pulled a muscle or what to be honest with you, what I do know is that every time I walk, it blooming well hurts and you can forget about climbing stairs. As for trying to scale East Hill in the morning, it must take me about 30 minutes and looks as if I’ve had a bit of an unfortunate accident because of my gait.
Had another little merge again this morning, it must come to me in waves. So today’s top ten was merging TV programmes with TV programmes.
10. BLESS THIS little HOUSE on the prairie
9. CRACKER-jack-ANORY
8. STRICTLY COME DANCING on ice
7. HOW do they do THAT LIFE ON EARTH
6. THAT’S LIFE on Mars
5. CAMBERWICK GREEN green grass
4. THE BILL & Ben-NY Hill Show
3. THEY THINK IT’S ALL OVER the rainbow
2. HOW clean is your house-doctor-Who-wants to be a millionaire
And the winner is Bex from Park Farm with a combo of the 10 o’clock news, Newsnight, Nightwatch, Watchdog and Dog Eat Dog which turns into 10 o’clock news-night-watch-dog eat dog. (if you’d stuck whisperer on the end you could have had six!).
Right, that’s my lot for another week, thank you for your time and patience. If you fancy it, I’m up The George tonight for another Dusty’s Years Disco from 8 til late, then rushing in to work for my Graveyard Shift.

Wednesday, May 5

Once again I enter the first hour of the show a tad weary, and this time it has nothing to do with going to the pub on a school night. No, it's all to do with the fact that for my daughter's birthday, she wanted six friends for stay for a sleepover, after a meal and a visit to Cineworld. Well, I thought my ears were going to bleed from the constant talking, squawking and screaming as the girls overdosed on sugar, never again.

So the merging game was back this morning, I've decided to call it The Wednesday Merge, it does what it says on the tin. I've probably done it before, but I don't remember as we've been doing it for so long and I don't make notes. Any road, today we merged film stars with films. I gave you a clue before the reveal, which was a film called Being John Malcovich, which obviously has an actor in the title, so here are your top ten.

10. Clint EAST IS EAST-wood

9. Paul New-MAN FROM UNCLE

8. THE John HURT LOCKER

7. JAMES Caan AND THE MAGIC PEACH

6. ALL QUIET ON THE Mae West-ERN

5. LIVE AND LET DI-E-ana Dors

4. Daniel DAY AFTER TOMORROW Lewis

3. ROMANCING THE Sharon STONE

2. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN O'Neil

1. THE LIFE OF BRIAN Blessed

I was off on a little mission to distribute our 'stickers for cash' stickers today at a secret location in Ashford, when I say secret it was because I didn't know where I was going until Kirstyn informed me. So I ended up on the A20 at The Blue and White Cafe and was very well looked after by John and Katie the proprietors. Managed to dish a few out to some of you and enjoyed myself so much, that I think I'll do it again, well if I'm allowed to by Kirstyn of course.

Tuesday, May 4

So, what can I say. Sunday, bloody Sunday as U2 once sang. The kmfm charity day was an absolute success in raising money for Help for Heroes but from a spectacle point of view it was rather tainted by the weather as it rained, rained some more and then decided to rain harder and harder. Still, you were all brilliant and I can't thank you enough for turning up and just getting on with it regardless, true bulldog spirit.

In case you weren't there and are even vaguely interested in how the game went, well, we won 7-4 against a kind of celebrity team that included two people I knew, namely the two lads from EastEnders who play the characters Leon Small and Billy Jackson, and really nice lads they were too.

It's out of the way now and time to move on, but to date, and there is still more money coming in, we have raised over twelve grand, which is no mean feat. But oh how I wished it was a lovely sunny Spring day, because it would and could have been so much more fun, but hey ho, nothing we can do about it now.

Right, here is the next charity event, when I say charity; I kind of mean my event. Although if we don't fill the hall at Sandyacres, I don't get paid, so its kind of a charity thing. If you would like tickets for my Dusty's Years Party on the Friday, May 14, then please contact Ernie on 01233 627373, its going to be an absolute blinder. Tickets are cheap at half the price, and will only cost you three measly quid.

Friday, April 30

It's all about the football again, sorry about this folks, back to normal on Monday, actually its Tuesday we're back cos it's a Bank Holiday weekend, wahoo. We gave away two VIP tickets to a lucky listener, that's 70 quids worth of rubbing shoulders with celebrities you know. Plus, we had my dear friend, national treasure and local legend Neil 'Razor' Ruddock on the phone to talk about life, work and the big match on Sunday of course. Also, the World Cup song that he is involved in. It's called three lions on fire and it's on you tube, so give it a go.

One bit of slightly bad news, is that Danny Dyer has pulled out at the last minute, unfortunately it's out of our control, but such is life, it's not all about him though its all about the charity and there will be plenty of others willing and able to turn up and support Help for Heroes. But I do offer my sincerest apologies to anyone that was turning up just to catch a glimpse of him.

The other main event of today's show was the fact that I was followed in to work by a film crew. I hasten to add that they were invited to follow me; they weren't just a random film crew I happened upon. Basically, they will be videoing the whole event on Sunday from start to finish and then editing it down into a little package of wonderfulness. I will be an 'extra' feature on the DVD and you can see what its like for me getting up at 4.30 in the morning and what I get up to when I get here. Then there is a bonus interview with the delightful Kirstyn Read who will be hopefully extolling my virtues, but I'm not holding my breath.

I was very nicely offered a night off from The Graveyard Shift on Sunday morning, but I politely declined as I love doing the show so much. Not to worry, I've got the Bank Holiday to be able to crash and burn. See you on Sunday.

Thursday, April 29

I have to say, I absolutely adore the Kentish Express and have had a copy of it (in all its various formats) since we arrived here in Ashford from that London place many years ago. It really is a 'must read' and covers every possible angle, story, event, etc, and now of course features me and my column, which makes me very proud. And every now and then a story pops up that I personally think could only ever happen here. I was laughing so much when I saw the picture that I had tears in my eyes and it's a story that makes the paper worth buying just for the picture alone. Basically, at the St.Georges Day celebrations at The George in Bethersden, it got a tad rowdy and a guy decided to go home and ride his horse back in to the pub - hysterical.

An interesting addition to the celebrity team for Sunday and I use the word celebrity loosely, is Jack Tweed. He was married to Jade Goody before she died and has been in the papers for perhaps all the wrong reasons, lets say. But he has put his name down to help raise money for a great cause, so lets leave it there.

We've got my old mate Neil 'Razor' Ruddock on the show tomorrow for a chat, so that is always worth a listen. He'll be on some time after nine so make sure you tune in, its always interesting and very near the mark, hence putting him on after the kids are at school. Also tomorrow we will be giving away two VIP tickets for Sundays match, so there is another reason to listen, not that you need one surely.

Wednesday, April 28

If you didn’t already know, we have brand spanking new car stickers for you to wear proudly in your automobile and show everyone just how much you love us and in return we’d like to show you just how much we love you. Because by simply adorning your vehicle with said car sticker, we might just furnish you with cool hard cash. If your car is spotted by anybody involved with our company and your registration number is noted, then you could win, simples. I’m going to be turning up in various locations in our ‘gated community’ dishing them out willy-nilly. Or you can pop in to our reception and collect one OR the cruisers will be whisking around the county.

Big highlight today, was our special guest Mr Daniel Pearce, our local lad done good, or should I say, yet another local lad done good. What a nice lad was the feeling of Kirstyn and me. The main reason for his appearance was to plug this Sunday’s kmfm charity football match, where Daniel will be donning his boots for my team. Daniel was born and bred in Ashford and although he has since moved further afield, his family and friends still live here and he considers coming back to play "an absolute honour". He’s gone through the roof since his appearance on last year’s X Factor and will soon be going on tour with rap legend Dizzy Rascal and releasing a single very soon.

So the football takes care of itself, but I can’t emphasise enough just how great the evening will be with our musical extravaganza, starting immediately after we have left the playing field. The stage will be set up in front of the main stand and I hope that as many of you as possible hang out with me and the boys (and the beer tent) as possible. I’ve got to stop talking about it now as I’m getting over excited and that makes me want to go to the toilet!

Tuesday, April 27

I managed to catch Gary Kirton during his busy schedule, to have a chat on air about the BIG MATCH on Sunday. One of the things he is doing now, which is brilliant by the way, is a 'ring and bring'. Basically, if you ring up Gazza now, on 07850747198, he will deliver them to wherever you want them, what a laugh. The other big thing we discussed is that we are now opening a single turnstile on the day. But I would still advise you to buy them before the day to avoid queuing and disappointment if they run out.

The open-air concert will take place immediately after the celebrity match and will feature a couple of fantastic local bands, namely Know Your Enemy and The 4 Cajonees. Then we have Joanne Steel as the ultimate Kylie tribute act and talking about ultimate tribute acts, the headliners are Counterfeit Quo, Europes best and that’s official.

The other guest we had on today was our very own Olympic gold medalist Jamie Staff, who was plugging the Pilgrims Hospice Tri-Cycle challenge, for more information on this and the family bike ride at Victoria Park, then log on to http://www.pilgrimshospice.org.uk/ or call 01233 504102. Jamie will also be coming down to the match on Sunday, with his beautiful shiny gold medal, a great photo opportunity.

Monday, April 24

Oh dear, my head is pounding after a mad weekend of celebrating my team's survival. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. In between my Graveyard Shift, I managed to get in to Town and flog some tickets for the kmfm football match on Sunday, they are selling like hot cakes and to remind you yet again, there won't be any available on the day so make sure you have purchased yours and avoid disappointment. I then hot-footed it to the station to meet my boy and off on the fast train to old London Town and watch The Hammers and what a game it was and survive for yet another season. Had a couple of celebration libations on the way home and off to The Albion to do a disco. After a couple more drinks I was in no fit condition to help with the desk, so many thanks to my mate MC Gary Moore, who led from the front and had the place rocking, he's a musical genius.

Kirstyn had a wonderful time in Hastings with friends and family and came in this morning to regale us with, as she put it, some amusing antidotes. She did of course mean anecdotes but it was very amusing when she realized.

By the way, congratulations to the Nuts and Bolts (that's Ashford Town FC for the uninitiated of you) who beat Chatham at the weekend and have now also survived the dreaded drop. All I need now is for the Gills to stay up and Dover and Folkestone to win their play-offs and it would have been a good season all round.

Friday, April 23

And did those feet those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green, ASHFORD

And was the Holy lamb of God, on England's pleasant pastures seen, TENTERDEN

I will not cease from mental fight, Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,

Til we have built Jerusalem,

In England's green and pleasant SURROUNDING AREAS.

Cry God for Harry, for England and St. George. That' Shakespeare you know!

Yes indeed, the patriotic streak that runs through me is on fire today, as we celebrate (if you haven't already guessed) St. Georges Day and the thing I was looking forward to most, was that we were allowed to play Chas and Dave again.

Massive news on the kmfm charity challenge football match, we have some good news and some bad news. Let's go with the bad first, unfortunately, we have lost Chris Fountain and Gary Lucy, who are off touring with Dancing on Ice. But fear ye not, because their replacements are even better and we have an extra one to boot (not literally of course). Joining in on the London Town celebrity XI will be the kid who plays Billy Jackson in EastEnders, Ralph Little from The Royle Family, Two Pints of Lager and most recently, Married, Single, Other and, wait for it, one for the kids, Chipmunk. I will be on the bandstand in Town tomorrow with the Army (not all of them you understand) selling tickets for the match and putting on a little bit of a show. Also, next week, you will have a chance to win a couple of VIP tickets worth seventy English pounds and your chance to rub shoulders with the rich and famous, what a laugh, I am so excited I can hardly contain myself.

Have a fantastic S.G. day and a wonderful weekend and I'll be back bright and early on Monday morning, but not before a couple of Graveyard Shifts over the weekend.

Thursday, April 22

Had a bit of a late night at the 5-a-side presentation evening down at The Albion on Frogs Island, so came in feeling a bit weary. I asked for your help for a bit of content and posed the question 'to merge or not to merge'. The answer came from Nanny Carol, who said yes, merge and so we did. She wanted to merge cleaning products with pop songs and here is the top ten

10. DOVE is in the air

9. Jumpin' Jack FLASH

8. Devil COL-gate Drive

7. In the AIR-WICK tonight

6. FAIRY-tale of New York

5. I'd like to BLEACH the world to ZING

4. FAIRY LIQUID-ator

3. SHAKE and VAC, rattle and roll

2. Echo BLEACH

1. Is this the way to Ama-BRILLO

There is one thing that people say to me more than anything else and no it's not rude. If they know or indeed find out what my job is, they will tell me a slightly risque story and then back it up with 'don't put that on the radio'. To be honest, if I put some of the stuff that I'm told on the radio, then I wouldn't be on the radio. So if you do ever see me out and have something interesting to tell me, don't worry, I can be off the record.

Kentish Express day, wahoo, we love the Kentish Express. Today's stories were about the state of Victoria Park, I detest vandalism with a passion, it's mindless and moronic. Then there was the story of a man that married his mother-in-law - I'm saying nothing. Apart from the Les Dawson joke that our editor Robert Barman told me. 'Excuse me mate, there are six blokes attacking your Mother-in-law, do you think you should help?'. 'No mate', the son-in-law replied, 'six of them should be enough'.

Wednesday, April 21

Busy show today and mainly because Kirstyn refused to accept that my knowledge of Ashford is far greater than hers, more of that to follow.

In my first hour I enlightened you about my mate Hessy's TV appearance last night that he was very proud of. He won a competition in a glossy magazine to appear on Channel 4's brilliant Shameless. He got all his friends and family round and rang everybody he knew to make sure they were watching. There was a scene in The Jockey pub on the infamous Chatsworth Estate. You saw him for approximately one point two seconds and was sitting next a Mr.T lookalike. Anyway, it got me thinking, because I've had a few in the past, none more so than when I appeared on TFI Friday as 'The man who likes to be booed'. Basically, I had to go on and say things that people didn't like, they booed and I enjoyed it, hence the name. Well, some people do take it too seriously and whilst out drinking in a pub a couple of weeks later, was attacked in the toilet by a couple of blokes who didn't like me saying that I hoped that Germany beat England in the World Cup. I was of course acting, which is what I tried to explain, but they didn't get the gist. It's ok, I came out unscathed.

Right, back to the top, and Kirstyn would not accept that wasps are called Jaspers, she was having none of it. Even when the phones lit up and the texts flooded in agreeing with me, she wouldn't back down. That was of course until one of her best friends, Karen, rang in to say that they were and are still, called Jaspers. I still wasn't offered up an apology

Tuesday, April 20

Oh dear, what were my team thinking of? I turned down the chance to go and see the premiere of the new Steve Carrell film Date Night at Cineworld to watch my team concede victory with not even a whimper, it was disgraceful and humiliating and spineless, apart from that, I think we did ok. Still, let's look on the brightside, actually there isn't one. Oh yes there is, I love my job and you lot cheer me up. Plus, I was giving stuff away this morning and that always jollies me along. Today we gave away a family ticket to the kmfm charity challenge football match at the Julie Rose Stadium on May 2^nd. If you listen in tomorrow, and as I'm feeling very generous, I might just do the same again, but I'll wait for Kirstyn this time as she hates me doing stuff without her say so.

Already looking forward to St Georges Day this Friday. I think with what is going on out in Iraq, this day has never been so poignant as our heroes are out there fighting on our behalf. If you agree with the war or not, they should all receive our support which is why I'm so pleased that this years beneficiary of the charity match is Help For Heroes, a great cause. So Friday I will be heading off to a pub and raising a glass for St George and for our sevicemen and women, who every day are putting their lives at risk. Cry God for Harry, England and St George.

So, I still have approximately another 10 hours worth of sulking to do before I can forget about last night's result and move on with my life. I am getting better though, it used to last for days. Now 24 hours just about does the trick. Also, a couple of pints does that, so just might pop down to my local watering hole and give the elbow a good workout.

Monday, April 19

The Monday Morning Surgery wasn't up to its normal standard today, mainly because the blooming phones packed up halfway through the show. I was talking about the most annoying and painful, non life threatening injuries you can get, because on my way in to work, I got a fly in the eye. It really is a horrible experience. Having said that, Sheena told me that isn't half as bad as getting one in your eye when your driving your motorbike at 50mph with an open faced visor and get hit in the eye with a fly, fair point. The other comical call was from Brian, who wanted to say thanks to his wife Dora for giving him one of the best weekends he has ever had since he has been married. Two things spring to mind, one, what on earth did she do to make it SO great. Secondly, by saying it was one of the best weekends ever SINCE they were married, I assume he had a lot of better weekends BEFORE he got married. Oh dear Brian, you may have shot yourself in the foot there me old son!

Kirstyn came up with an interesting little game today, she called it "guess what I found on my car on Friday night after work, that wasn't there when I left it". I know, its not the catchiest of titles, but in fairness, its not the catchiest of games either. First off I said pigeon poo, because its rife underneath the car park where we leave them. But then Kirst informed me that it was alive, I guessed at a baby pigeon, and got it spot on. This kind of took the edge off of the game, but then she enthralled us with the story that goes with it, which was much more amusing. It had landed on the roof of her car and whilst she distracted the bird with small-talk, Karen nipped up from behind and snared it. They thought they'd be doing it a favour by putting it in the bush, but I can't help but fear for the pigeon's safety as that is where lots of foxes hang out.

Friday, April 16

First off, before I forget, just a reminder that there is only two weekends to go until the big match and when I say big match, I don’t mean the West Ham vs Wigan game by the way, which is massive also. No, I’m talking about the kmfm charity challenge football match of course. Tickets are flying out and I once again urge you to buy them quickly as there will be none available on the actual day. So, just a refresher, they are on sale in our reception in North Street, the Revive juice Bar in County Square, the Julie Rose Stadium or by calling ‘Gazza’ on 07850 747 198. Plus he will be outside Tesco at Park Farm tomorrow morning from 9am, or he will be at the boot fair at Ashford market on Sunday. And next week I will be on the bandstand in the town centre promoting the event and giving you your ‘last chance saloon’ to purchase. I’ll be reminding you nearer the time, and I will be assisted by none other than the army.

Oh dear, went over to watch the old ‘Nuts and Bolts’ last night as they took on Whitstable FC at Homelands stadium and it wasn’t pretty. You can see that the boys are playing nervously and things didn’t go their way. They had a one nil reverse and are in a bit of trouble. From the last three games, they could do with picking up four points to guarantee safety, or just hope the clubs underneath them lose their last two games. Baton down the hatches everyone, cross your fingers and everything else and hope for the best.

So, if you’ve not had enough of us this week, then you can catch us over the weekend. Kirstyn will be doing her excellent Essential Eighties Show (as I’m typing this she is spouting on about how great it is actually, it’s a bit off-putting, but I get used to it). I will be back with my Graveyard Shift in tandem with ‘Ben friend’ and the reason they stick us on at that time, is because we are slightly irreverent and off the wall. Certainly not in the mould of the very talented and professional Kirstyn Read. Catch us from 1am tomorrow morning and midnight on Saturday.

Thursday, April 15

I’m a tad deflated this morning after a disappointing night. It was the finals of the five-a-side league at the North School and I was drafted in by my mate and the manager Bill English after my heroic performance in the semi-final when I scored a brace. We are in the division below the team we played and roughly 25 to 30 years older than our opponents, so we weren’t expecting much from the game, especially when our oldest member ‘Olly’ injured his knee after just two minutes. It looked like an uphill struggle, but we rallied brilliantly and managed to get to the end with an honorable nil-nil draw, which meant penalties. I thought then our name was on the cup, but sadly it wasn’t to be.

Still, we all went off to the pub and had a good few pints while watching the Spurs vs Arsenal match.

It was quite a football theme today as we had my mate Mark Patterson in to visit. ‘Patto’ is an ex-pro who finished his career at the Gills and then took all his coaching badges and ran Gillingham’s school of excellence, before running the youth team. Now, he is heading up the Ashford Town FC academy in conjunction with The North School. It really is an incredible idea and I hope it goes on to thrive and supply the team with many home-grown players for the future. It also gives the lads involved a chance to achieve three A levels. If you want to apply please go to the Town’s website and apply online.

I’ll be heading over to Homelands tonight as the Nuts and Bolts take on fellow strugglers Whistable FC in a massive six pointer. We need four more points from four games to survive, so get yourself down there tonight and cheer the boys on to victory, I’ll see you in the bar before hand, half-time and full-time and mine’s a lager thanks.

Wednesday, April 14

by Maisy Webster and Daisy Lightfoot

(With additional reporting by John ‘Webbo’ Webster)

Hello I’m Maisy Webster, I did the show with my friend Daisy and my dad Webbo today and this is his blog. This morning we were answering questions on things like why men are from Mars and women are from Venus! Basically it means that we are both from different planets. Also we were asked about England’s chances at the World Cup in South Africa. Unfortunately I suggested that Gerrard Owen would do very well, I got a bit mixed up with Steven Gerrard and Michael Owen, Oh well never mind!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Kirstyn for having a day off and giving me and my best friend Daisy a chance to come on and help out.

I’m Daisy Lightfoot, I want to thank my mum for getting me up early and bringing me and Maisy all the way here and then taking us roller skating, that is of course if the M25 allows us. Also thanks to all my family in Aberdeen for listening online and anybody else who listened, plus thanks for all of your good luck messages.

And last of all we both would like to say thanks to Webbo for putting up with us!

Hi, I’m John ‘Webbo’ Webster and I’d like to add my appreciation to your generosity and bearing with us this morning. I hope you had as much fun as we did.

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow when Kirst returns from her sabbatical to take over at the helm once again.

Tuesday, April 13

So much to plug and so little time to do it, so let’s crack on with it. First up is the kmfm charity challenge football match, as we had out penultimate meeting last night and everything is looking rosy.

If you’ve had your head buried in the sand for the last month, then you might not be aware that an Ashford Town celebrity XI is taking on a London Town celebrity XI at The Julie Rose Stadium on May 2.

It’s going to be massive and I really don’t want you to miss out on it.

We are selling tickets at the stadium itself, our reception or The Revive Juice Bar in County Square. And you can also go to http://www.kmfm.co.uk/ and look for the link, or alternatively you could log on to another website athttp://www.ashfordcharityfunds.co.uk/ and it will give you all the relevant info.

We are also having an awareness day on the bandstand in Town the week before, that’s April 24 from early until mid-day, so do come and join in.

Next up, on Friday May 7 it’s the next Dusty’s Years Disco at The George, and then there is something very special happening the following Friday at Sandyacres Sports and Social Club in Sandyhurst Lane, where we will be launching The Dusty’s Years PARTY. It’s what you get normally plus a lot more. For info on this call Ernie on 01233 627373 and tickets will fly out at only £3 a pop, so get in there early if you don’t want to miss out.

Now don’t tell anyone this, but tomorrow’s show is going to be a bit different, so I urge you not to miss out. Let’s just say, while the cat’s away, the mice will play.

Monday, April 12

Now I know it’s not all about me, but just to fill you in, my weekend went something like this. Leave work Friday, go home and sleep (I was feeling a tad under the weather you have to understand), back in for The Graveyard shift to give out some brilliant prizes. By the way, if you still want the chance to win a scintillating solar sculpture, from our friends at Swift Surfacing, just log on to www.kmfm.co.uk and click in The Graveyard Shift and it will show you how to get involved. We are also giving away tickets to the premiere of Steve Carrell’s new film Date Night, again, all will be explained. Saturday I went off to The Hammers for a very nervy encounter with Sunderland but just about got the result we needed. In the evening I was working the decks for my dear friends Stuart and Becky’s wedding anniversary then back in for another Graveyard Shift. In the morning it was straight off to Brighton to watch my Charlie play for the Gills. I think I’ve slept for the rest of the time.

Bumped in to Kirstyn at the ‘do’, it was like being at work, as she was telling me what sort of things to say and telling what to play.

One of the other things that came out of the party was the worst excuse ever, for not being able to attend. Stuey’s mate said he was having some dental treatment done, and said that it was ‘no ordinary filling’ and then embellished the story by saying that the dentist was flying in from Budapest! How elaborate is that? Two of you then rang to join in, Barry has never understood why or how women use that they are ‘washing their hair’ as a reason.

Then Tony said that he was waiting at a restaurant for his date to show up, when the waiter informed him there was a call for him (pre mobile phones). It was his girlfriend saying she couldn’t make it because she had started reading a really good book and just couldn’t put it down. Honestly, you girls!

Friday, April 9

The Friday morning phone-in had some of its usual suspects involved as well as some brand new callers. You all had your own agendas on why you rang, but that makes it all the more interesting for me as well as, hopefully my lovely, local, loyal, listeners. Pauline rang to say hi, Sandra got in touch for me to tell her ‘old man’ Ted to get up as he is late for work and there is a cup of tea on the side waiting. Steve and Paddy were by a ‘secret lake’ doing some fishing and Maggie wanted to know why she had to make the tea for Micky every morning when she has to work as well. Sharon, Katy and John have invited us down to The Blue and White Café for some free grub (Kirstyn got very excited when I told her) and Sharon also informed me that her son and daughter are both going back on a tour of duty to Afhganistan for three months tomorrow. We wish you well and come back to us safe and sound. Jim was walking home from his night shift and Tim recommended some Olbas oil to help clear out my passages. Deena was a first time caller and was greeted with a fanfare, then rang again because she didn’t want to be a ‘one hit wonder’ and then Benno (who normally texts) thought he’d ring for the first time also. It turns out I used to play football against him, back in the day, so he too got the appropriate fanfare. Last but certainly not least was somebody who was ‘swinging home’ from a night shift and referred to himself only as Spiderman. When I pushed him on giving me his real name, he finally caved in and admitted his name was Peter Parker, very amusing.

I had one more comedy phone call from someone calling themselves Dick. He informed me that his wife had just left him because he loves football more than he loves her. "I’m gutted" he said, "I’ve only been with her for nine seasons." You really are a funny old bunch, you really are.

So, Kirstyn is back from 7 for the incredible Essential Eighties and I’m here with ‘Ben Friend" for another Graveyard Shift from 1am and then midnight on Sunday.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, April 8

We were well and truly chastised this morning as we tried to promote Benedict Smith’s Saturday Show competition, brilliantly entitled ‘A Question of Holland’. You can win a fantastic short break thanks to our friends at Norfolk Line. We didn’t mean to be patronising at all, that’s never our intention, but perhaps it came out like that. Plus we are both very geographically challenged. Let me explain, firstly I thought it would be fun to come up with things we immediately associate with Holland (that was our first mistake, referring to it as Holland, but more of that later). We came up with, clogs, windmills, tulips, cheese, museums, it’s very flat and has lots of bike riders, plus there is the famous capital Amsterdam which is the traffic light capital of the world apparently, because Lee rang to say don’t forget the ‘red light district’.

We then got a rather irate email from a lady telling us that the country is actually called The Netherlands and basically Holland is part of it. She said, ‘you wouldn’t want me saying Scotland is in England would you?’ We apologise profusely Madam and also thank you for educating and enlightening us.

Right my dear friends, I have to go because I’m feeling a bit under the weather and want to be fighting fit for tomorrow. I’m proud to say that I haven’t had a single sick day since I’ve been here and I don’t want to start now. Have a nice day and enjoy the weather. Apparently we’ve got it like this right through to the weekend.

Wednesday, April 7

What a beautiful day it was yesterday, so much so that I actually got my face burnt whilst partaking in a bit of football watching over at the glorious Sandyacres Sports and Social Club and what a glorious setting for the occasion. Ashford Borough Under 14s welcomed a team from Berlin in Germany over as guests and unfortunately trounced them 14-2. I say unfortunately, because as a neutral it was a bit embarrassing to watch these poor visitors get absolutely annihilated, but that's football I suppose. I ended up running the line (being a linesman), which I hate, because I end up watching the game instead of doing my job. Anyway, who'd have thought the sun was going to be that strong, honestly, I look like a blooming rhubarb.

I love the way how Kirstyn manages to slip her oldest friend Clare in to a conversation, it's incredible. Now as you may have noticed before, Kirst does like to talk about food and food related TV programmes, particularly Masterchef. Today she even owned up to fancying both the blokes who present it. I can't think of their names, but one is bald and the other is from New Zealand. So off she goes on a rant about them and all of a sudden stops in full flow to mention how she suggested to her oldest friend Clare (she's known her since she was three you know) should go on it. I point out, very politely, that she has actually mentioned this a least a dozen times to date and guess what happened. You got it, a pen was launched towards my head. She also managed to get in three Fat Fiddler mentions (she used to work there on the karaoke if you didn't already know), four Jack (that's her son) mentions and 49 Cash (her dog) mentions. Lagging behind today was her friend Karen, who can't be happy with only two name checks.

Tuesday, April 6

Reunited and it feels so good, reunited, cause we understood, there's one perfect fit and sugar, this one is it, we both are so excited cause we're reunited.

That was a bit of Peaches and Herb for you there and I couldn't have put it better myself. It seems like an eternity since we were last here and as much as I've had a good time, I do miss my job and couldn't wait to get back on air. I was completely convinced that Kirstyn felt the same when she got in but she soon came round. I think she was still reeling from her two lager shandies she had when she went out on Saturday night, she doesn't get out much, bless her.

The high point of the weekend (apart from having quality family time of course) was my Dusty's Years Disco at The George on Easter Saturday, it was the best and busiest to date and as much as I do love appearing at The George, we are going to have to find a bigger dance-floor. My hat has to come off to my friend and colleague Mr. Gary Moore who quite frankly is a musical genius, he seems to have every single record that has ever been released and works his little socks off during the evening.

Popped out of the gated community for a short time yesterday, sorry about that, think of it as a day release. It was a beautiful afternoon down on the harbour in Folkestone and watched a brilliant group out in the open playing ska only songs that had me up and dancing, some cockles and whelks to take home and an early night in preparation for this morning and the jobs a good 'un.

Thursday, April 1

How confusing, it's not actually Friday but it really feels as if it should be. I think it's because the Express came out yesterday and threw the cat amongst the pigeons. Also, because tomorrow IS like a bonus Friday as it's our first Bank Holiday of the year, I'm so excited and I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

We had some guests pop in to see us today, three very polite young men who's Mum bid for them to visit us in an auction at Homewood school, so we had to be on our very best behavior, so I didn't get my chance to stitch Kirstyn with an April Fool jape, never mind.

Our little friend Frankie rang in this morning very excited. Her excitement was twofold, firstly because she was getting her new bike, without stabilizers (at this stage I should point that Frankie is 5 years old) and secondly she was going out on a date with her 5 year old boyfriend Warren. They were off to the pictures with Warren's Mum chaperoning them, or should I say playing gooseberry. I said that I wasn't happy with the situation and wondered if Warren was listening then perhaps he could ring in so I could question him on his intentions. And bless his heart, he heard and called us straight back. Although he wouldn't say that she was his girlfriend, he did own up to this liaison being their tenth date and he loved her. I was happy for the relationship to continue, bid them good luck and gave them my blessing.

I can't believe that I've got four lay ins on the bounce now, although I will be in to do my Graveyard Shift on Saturday morning and indeed Sunday, plus, my Dusty's Years Disco is up The George again on Saturday night, so I'll have to leave the packing up to my mate Gary and rush back across the road to get on air on time. Suppose I better lay off the lager as well, or should I, it might be quite interesting if I don't. Tomorrow is Essential Eighties all blooming day, what a laugh. Kirstyn will be in at her normal time and will dig out some of the more alternative tracks from that era. She will also be filling in for Louis on Sunday morning, but don't expect her to be doing a treasure hunt. We will be reunited together and back in place on Tuesday morning for some of the same old, same old.

Have a fantastic Easter and I hope you get out of it, whatever it is you are hoping for. By the way, what a beautiful morning, a tad crisp but loving the sunshine, enjoy it while it lasts.

Wednesday, March 31

I stayed on the 'musicals' theme this morning and opened the show with an extract from the classic lullaby Hushabye Mountain. The question I posed was simply what film was it from? I know, too easy, of course it's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Then I squeezed in some, what I thought, were brilliant facts. Unfortunately, Kirstyn didn't necessarily agree but I managed to finish them before she turned up. We worked out the lead role of Caractacus Potts was played by Dick Van Dyke and his love interest was the fantastically named Truly Scrumptious. Benny Hill also starred as 'the toy-maker' and it featured the most frightening baddie ever, The Child-catcher. It was written by Bond writer Ian Fleming, who used to live in Charing and the screenplay was adapted by none other than Roald Dahl.

But the biggest factoid was that it contained the first thing ever to be seen in a British cinema and coined a brand new word because of it. We had some interesting attempts, including the first full frontal and the first time ice-cream was sold (partially correct) and the funniest was from Pete who said was it a brass band, a brass blooming band? When has there ever been a brass band in a cinema playing live? The answer was, the intermission. The word that came out of it was because where they stopped it was when the car drives off the cliff, hence the word cliffhanger.

Kentish Express is out today as it's a short week and the big story is that the North School Farm has been saved. To be honest, we both feel it's a hollow victory. Ok, we're happy that the kids will still keep their farm, which was the big one. But it doesn't look as if KCC is going to fully pay for it to be moved AND the houses could still be built. I don't think we've heard the last of this one yet.

Also, the most ridiculous story which was on our news as well, is all about the police making a local 'do-gooder' take down a sign he'd hung up in his garden which said 'Potholes'. He was merely warning the traffic of the problem, so nobody can really fathom out why this had to be, absolute madness, the world has gone crazy.

Tuesday, March 30

Loads of stuff going on today and the most exciting bit has to be the kmfm charity challenge football match being in the paper, but back to that in a moment.

I started the show with my favourite ever song from a musical,

Consider yourself at home

Consider yourself one of the family Ashford

We've taken to you so strong, it's clear we're going to get along Tenterden

Consider yourself well in

Consider yourself part of the furniture

There isn't a lot to spare

Who cares? What ever we've got we share! Surrounding areas

So I set the question, what musical was it and who sang it, I know, too easy. Of course it was from Oliver, it was sang by Jack Wilde as the Artful Dodger to Oliver played by Mark Lester. Then I asked who was the baddie played by Oliver Reed and the name of his dog AND his girlfriend. Well, that was Bill Sykes, his dog being Bullseye and Nancy.

So I urge you to go out and buy The Sun today (a snip at 20p) just so you can see me on page 7. The story is about Heather McCartney and her ex-nanny who were at a tribunal hearing in Ashford. If you look in the background of the picture of the ex-nanny you will see the poster of the game and if you look even closer you will see little old me, what a laugh.

And don't forget, if you like playing the merging game, then please do send your ideas in to me jwebster@kmfm.co.uk and I'll be more than happy to name the game after you and play it, just send at least three merges to give me the gist.

Monday, March 29

What a weekend, unbelievable, yet again another rollercoaster ride of emotions with rather more lows than highs. I can't actually bring myself to talk about the football I witnessed down at West Ham on Saturday. I can feel myself sliding slowly and painfully into a dark depression as my team slide slowly and painfully into The Championship. Let's concentrate on the ups, I had a great time down at The North School on Saturday morning. I even got cut the ribbon for the official opening of lambing weekend. I haven't looked round the farm properly for a couple of years now and I have to say I am so impressed. Might have some news on that front soon, so make sure you are listening on Wednesday and/or get your Kentish Express.

Last night I was down at Sandyacres to introduce the legends Marmalade to the stage, we had a great night and if you want to know more, then you have yet another reason to buy the KE, because it's all in my Webbo's World column.

Kirstyn has been a busy bee herself with her college work on Saturday and last night she was a guest down at the brand spanking new River Room at the Stour Centre. She did the official opening with Ola and James Jordan from Strictly Come Dancing. Funnily enough, I didn't get an invite to this one. Apparently, it turns out it was 'a bit too posh for the likes of me', they were Kirstyn's exact words, harsh I felt, but probably fair.

Friday, March 26

It doesn't get any better than this moment in time, the Friday buzz is well and truly embedded in us all. As I've said to you before, even though most of us work more than five days these days, I still get off on the weekend feeling. Just in case anyone is interested here is what's in store for me and it sounds very much like Groundhog Day, as it never varies very much. It'll be The Graveyard Shift from 1am tomorrow morning, a quick doze, then run my Maisy to Showbiz classes, down to the North School to help open their lambing weekend and off to watch my son play football for Ashford and District. Another quick doze, then off to watch my beloved West Ham try to dig themselves out of the relegation trouble they've gotten into. Another doze when I get home and back into work for another Graveyard Shift from mid-night. I start at twelve and finish at five in the morning, but because the clocks go forward, I'm only doing four hours, what the heck is that all about. 'Ben friend' will be there of course, after blagging another fantastic prize to give away, although I have now changed his nickname to Ben 'the two of us will look no more, we've both found we were looking for' Watson. I know it's a bit long winded but I like it. Another quick doze before off to watch my son play for Gillingham this time, against Millwall. Back for some lunch, another doze and then off to Sandyacres sports and social club on Sandyacres Lane where I am hosting a musical extravaganza, that's this Sunday night from 7ish. The legends Marmalade will be appearing, you cannot miss it. They will be very well supported by Mel Harris and there are a few tickets still available so ring Ernie now on 01233 627373. And if you are going, let me know because I need a lift.

Loved this mornings 'the better tune' feature, you had the glam rock choice today, it was between Slade, Sweet, T.Rex and Showaddywaddy and I had no idea which way to go with it. As it turns out, Showaddywaddy won the day and we rocked out of the show with a bit of Under The Moon of Love, classic.

Kirstyn's back tonight from 7 for the non award winning award winning Essential Eighties Show, why not give her a go if you've never sampled her before, she's much better on her own.

Have a brilliant weekend and don't do anything I'd do, which isn't much in the grand scheme of things.

Thursday, March 25

Some things in life are bad,

They can really make you mad,

Other things just make you swear and curse,

When you're chewing on life's gristle,

Don't grumble, just whistle,

And this'll help things turn out for the best.

That was this mornings opening gambit, one of the funniest theme tunes to one of the funniest films, in my opinion of course, ever made. But what was the film? You all got it right in fairness, didn't think it was going to trip anyone up, so well done and you all win my love and respect. The feature this turned into was, NAME a film with NAME in it. Obviously we had The Life of Brian to kick us off; I threw in there When Harry Met Sally and Ben Hur and let you loose. You came up Thelma and Louise; Tommy; The Importance of Being Ernest; The Thomas Crown Affair; Forest Gump; Shaun of the Dead; Wayne's World; Harry Potter etc etc

It's Kentish Express day for goodness sake and we welcomed our Editor in Chief Mr. Robert Barman into the studio for some extracts from the award winning paper.

Now what else did we get up to I ask myself, well Kirstyn got her Lady Ga Ga joke out of the closet again, that's three times in as many days. Just in case you missed it, here you go. How do you make Lady Ga Ga cry? Answer, you Poker Face. I know, its not great, but she's very proud of it and she did hear it from a seven year old. It's not as good as mine though. A bloke goes to the bank to lend some money, I'm sorry sir, but the loan Arranger isn't in today. The man responds 'That's ok, I'll speak to Tonto instead'.

So my new idea is to take Webbo's Dusty's Years Disco on the road to all of the village halls around the surrounding areas, if you can't get to us, we'll get to you. If you like the idea then get in touch with me and we'll book you in.

Wednesday, March 24

I do love a bit of spontaneity in the mornings; well actually I like it most of the day. I started off the day with the legends that are Morecambe and Wise and their little ditty, 'bring me sunshine', just listen to these amazing lyrics.

Bring me sunshine, in your smile,

Bring me laughter, all the while,

In this world where we live, there should be more happiness,

So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright tomorrow.

Make me happy, through the years,

Never bring me, any tears,

Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above,

Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love.

Isn't that beautiful. It inspired you all to text and phone me about your favourite comedy duos including; Laurel and Hardy; Abbot and Costello; Cannon and Ball; Hale and Pace; French and Saunders; Mike and Bernie Winters; The Two Ronnies, I could go on forever. Then we had some quirky ones including Punch and Judy; Bert and Ernie; The Krankies; Sooty and Sweep and finally Read and Webster.

Now, don't forget NOT to miss out on seeing the legends Marmalade at Sandyacres this Sunday Nigh, who can forget the classic Ob-La Di Ob-La-Da as well as many other hits. I will be MCing the event and they will be supported by the brilliant Mel Harris. Hurry though as tickets won't last that long, ring Ernie on 01233 627373 and I'll see you down there.

Friday, March 22

Good morning! It's Kirstyn writing today's blog as Webbo has been packed off to the Ideal Homes Show in London. This morning started off well as I only had half and hour with him before he legged it off to get the 8.11am train from Ashford International, arriving an hour later - we are so lucky living in an area where our links to London are swift! I had plenty to be getting on with on the show - including the right results from Ashford Ladies 2nd Hockey Team who triumphed at the weekend, as did the Invicta Valiants, Greatchart Under 9s and 11s and Mersham Junior Football Club! Plus I congratulated Stan and Anne on their 2nd anniversary and mentioned lots of birthday people in our area!

If you're good behind the camera then get involved with Ashford's Best Placed photography competition which is on their website. The theme this year is Reasons to Smile in Ashford!

I have to compliment listeners to the show for their sound taste in tunes - today was 1999 and people plumped for Baz Lurhmann's Sunscreen! It sounded so good this morning so hurrah! Roll on Tuesday!

Thursday, March 18

I know I've said it before, but I mean it this time, spring has officially sprung. The weather has been beautiful, it's such an exciting time of year knowing that summer is just round the corner. But the real meaning of spring in my mind is when we celebrate the Equilux which is today, let me explain. The Equilux is the day when day and night are equal.

Now, whatever you do, don't get confused with The Equinox, that's a separate thing altogether for goodness sake, apart from the 'equi' bit. The Equinox occurs twice a year, when the tilt of the Earth's axis is inclined neither away from nor towards the Sun. There, I hope that makes sense, why don't you enlighten a friend about it and really impress them. I tell you, we're not just here to entertain; we like to inform and educate also.

Today's merging game was offered up by Tom, who was inspired by us playing Prince's 'Raspberry Beret' and thought pop songs and articles of clothing merged together would be fun and do you know what, he was right. We'll kick off with three bra songs I reckon.

10. Bra bra Bra-anne - The Beach Boys

9. Bra Bra Bra-sputin - Boney M

8. Radio Bra Bra - Queen

7. Hat's the way I like it - KC and the Sunshine Band

6. Pant-s music- Adam and the Ants

5. Boxer-s Beat- Joe Boxer

4. Go Vest -The Pet Shop Boys

3. My Koo-Ka-Shoe- Alvin Stardust

2. One G-Love- Bob Marley

1. Down in a Boob Tube Station at Mid-Nightie

Wednesday, March 14

Top of the morning to you and a happy St. Patrick' Day. I do love St. Patrick's Day, the Irish seem to celebrate today so much better than the English do St. Georges Day you know. But I'd like to say to our Irish friends, that as we help you celebrate your saint's day, this year come and join in with us and make it one to remember. Maggie texted me to initially join in with today's game, but also to inform me that when somebody says to you 'top of the morning to yer', you should reply with 'and the rest of the day to yourself'.

Today's game came to me in my dreams last night; I won't bore you with the details. It wasn't so much a merging game today as just a bit of fun. I asked you to guess what the game was by quoting the opening lines from one of my favourite quirky songs, which went as follows, I've been going out with a girl, her name is Julie, but last night she said to me as we were watching telly, this is what she said, she said listen John I love you but there's this bloke I fancy, I don't want to two time you so it's the end for you and me. Who's this bloke I asked her? Gordon she replied, not that $$$$ I said dismayed, yes but he's no $$$$ she cried, he's more a man than you'll ever be.

Well, the answer was Jilted John, by Jilted John and many of you got it correct. So the top ten today was songs with blokes names in them, easy.

10. Clever TREVOR by Ian Dury and the Blockheads

9. Song for GUY by Elton John

8. BILLY don’t be a hero by Paperlace

7. Cotton Eye JOE by the Rednex

6. STAN by Eminem

5. Telegram SAM by T Rex

4. Hats off to LARRY by Del Shannon

3. OLIVER-s army by Elvis Costello

2. Making plans for NIGEL by XTC

1. Hurry Up HARRY by Sham 69 (which, by the way, if you like your music trivia stands for Skin Heads Are Magic and 69 for when they came out).

 Tuesday, March 14

Now last week Nanny Carol set us two great merging games, both included one of my favourite subject, pubs. We merged pubs with pop artists and songs. By more luck than judgment Kirstyn came up with today's game because last week all she could come up with was The Churc-Hills Have Eyes, which is a film of course and neither a pop song OR artist. But she created the game all the same, so well done Kirstyn Read off the radio.

10. HARE-spray AND the HOUNDS of the Baskervilles

9. Bat-MAN of KENT

8. A Clockwork ORANGES

7. THE raging BULL in Bethersden

6. THE GEORGE of the jungle

5. Harry Potter and the half blood PRINCE of WALES

4. THE DUKES of Hazzard HEAD

3. THE BEN Hur TRUMAN Show

2. Robin HOOD-EN HORSE and the PRINCE of ALBERT Thieves

1. Snow WHITE LION, the witch and the wardrobe.

Kirstyn regaled us with her stories from The Pride in Ashford and Tenterden Awards that took place at the London Beach Club in Tenterden, bless her, she was a bit tuckered out this morning, so bless me as well for having to put up with the abuse. My night was spent with my new Army friends as we tie up all the loose ends for the KMFM Charity Challenge Cup. The Army boys are brilliant when it comes to organizing things, as you can imagine. This year has been so much easier because of them, although I do have to salute Gary Kirten, who has worked tirelessly to get it off the ground. Tickets will and are sell out fast, so get in there quick.

Monday, March 13

What a weekend, it was like a blooming rollercoaster of emotions. I spent most of Saturday afternoon hiding in a cupboard not wanting to see or hear what was happening to my team (West Ham) against Chelsea but I took some beer in with me so when I came out it numbed the pain a bit, but to be honest it didn't work, four blinking one, what a nightmare of a season we're having. So to help me through the pain I watched the six nations hoping that England might stuff Scotland to cheer me up, but that didn't work out either. It was a draw in the end but Scotland thoroughly deserved the win in fairness. Sunday morning it was off to watch my son play for Gillingham under 14s v Wycombe and they won three goals to one, the downside was that he took a ball full pelt in the Chumley Warners and has been speaking with a high pitched voice ever since, bless him. Plus when we got home, the physio told him to put some ice down there, now I know from experience that that isn't much fun. Then it was round to my Mother's house for Mothering Sunday, I made her eat before we went out, saved me a fortune and we just had a couple of glasses of Rose. In the evening it was over to Pitchside on Stanhope for some old man football in the Ashford Veterans league. Can't even bring myself to talk about it right now.

So that was my weekend, how was yours? Kirstyn did tell me about hers, but to be quite honest with you I'd switched off and didn't hear a word she said.

Don't forget, the KMFM Charity Challenge Cup tickets are now on sale. For more information go to http://www.ashfordcharityfunds.co.uk/ you will be able to pick them up by ringing Gazza on 01785 0747 198, or pop in to our reception in Express House, or our dear friends at The Revive Juice Bar in County Square will be helping out selling them.

Friday, March 12

Wahoo, we've done it again, congratulations team, we've yet again made it seamlessly through to the weekend without a hiccup.

There is always a buzz about a Friday and the phone rings off the hook with people just being happy and excited, which in turn makes me happy and excited. I try to make the most of my happiness and excitement in the first hour, because you never know how the other half of the show's mood will be when she eventually arrives. As it happens, Kirstyn turns up full of the joys of spring. Unfortunately it doesn't last the whole show and she launches her pen at me on three separate occasions. I can't actually remember what I did to incite this aggressive behavior, but perhaps that's half my problem. I do seem to forget to self-edit sometimes, you know, speak before the brain has properly engaged, it blurts out before I've had time to think it through. That happened when Kirst opened a link with 'I've got a really funny story to tell you. Now I've told her before, never open with that line, because the expectation levels are heightened. We're now looking forward to a brilliant story with a hilarious ending. Unfortunately, this didn't quite happen, in fairness it was an awful story without a trace of humour attached to it. I did my best to blag a fake laugh but I couldn't carry it off convincingly and the pen was hurled yet again towards my head (by the way, if there are any kids reading this, we don't by any stretch of the imagination condone the throwing of pens).

It's your last chance to register for your chance to win a brand spanking new car by simply texting the word UP then your NAME and POSTCODE to 81800. Lines close at 4pm today, you will be charged a pound a fifty pence and a quid of that goes to Marie Curie Cancer Care and good luck.

All that leaves me to do is wish you all a great weekend and a Happy Mothers Day on Sunday. Kirstyn will be back on tonight for her award winning Essential Eighties Show from 7 tonight and then I will be on the Graveyard Shift from 1 in the morning and from midnight on Saturday.

Thursday, March 11

It's Thursday and we all know what that means don't we? That's correct, it's Kentish Express day, a must read for all us locals and this week more than ever. The front page concerns the pothole issue with a bit of a twist, and a twist that got Kirstyn and a few of you in a bit of a tizzy. We then moved on the burning issue of The North School Farm which rumbles on. This week, the KCC decide to accuse The North School of orchestrating the battle against the plan to build homes on the school site. Headmistress Leslie Ellis, much to her credit, has kept a dignified silence on what has been going on, even though I have harangued her for a comment. She has been very diplomatic throughout, whatever her thoughts are.

If you think that was a soap-box moment, just wait for the next bit. First off, a joke in column was heavily edited. To put it in a nutshell. I mentioned my old boss (Chris Evans) in my column a few times and got an irate letter from a man telling me to stop name-dropping. I then wrote that 'thinking about it, I don't have to mention his name as he was only the common denominator between me and my new showbiz friend'.

So I'd now set the gag up beautifully. The next paragraph started 'So, I turned up at my tall gingerish grey haired, glasses wearing, TV and radio presenting, ex husband of Billie Piper's, multi-millionaire friends house, etc etc.' A great gag, that will never see the light of day and makes me look like I was just name dropping willy-nilly. And as for printing a team for the kmfm Charity Challenge Cup and leaving me on the bench, don't even get me started...

Wednesday, March 10

I have to tell you what happened in the office yesterday. Basically the jovial banter doesn't stop when we leave the studio, plus we have a live crowd to play in front of, so I love having a jolly jape. I was telling the lads and lasses in the office how bad Kirstyn is at doing accents, and then made her do some. Much to my dismay, she managed to achieve a Brummy, West Country and Scots accent rather well. I was crestfallen, but then it happened, I asked her to do an Irish lilt and all she said was 'top of the morning to you'. A bit cliched I thought, but also not enough to gauge if it was any good or not. I said That's ok, but you need to say more though. She took me quite literally and started repeating "more though, more though". I tried to explain that I meant she needed to say a longer sentence for us to get the gist, but she carried on regardless saying "more though, more though". I was actually crying with laughter by the end of it.

I opened up the show with my Oscar special merging game, I know it's a bit late to be topical, but I'm a bit slow on the uptake. It came to me when The Hurt Locker won best movie and realizing by simply adding the name John to the title, we got the game. So we merged actors with films, The JOHN HURT Locker being the example.

10. JOHN WAYNE's World

9. INDEPENDENCE Doris DAY

8. TOY-ah Wilcox STORY

7. ZU-LU-Diamond-Phillips

6. MAMA MIA Farrow

5. SLIDING Dianna DOoRS

4. Jeff BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY

3. BRUCE Willis ALMIGHTY

2. INDIANNA JONES and the Shirley TEMPLE of DOOM

1. Sandra RAGING BUL-L-ock STOCK and TWO SMOKING BARRELS. You will notice that there are two films in there with Sandra Bullock, so that's why it wins and that comes courtesy of our very own Kirstyn Read and Jamie 'Woody' Allen.

Tuesday, March 9

Today's merging game is coming to you courtesy of Carol's Nan. So I've decided to call today's game Carol's Nan's Game, it does what it says on the can. I know I've said it before, but this one really did get more reaction than any other. It's merging local pubs with pop artists. The two that Carol's Nan gave me were The Manfred MAN OF KENT and The WALNUT TREE Degrees. I decided to test your local knowledge by literally giving you the clue The Colt, or depending on how you heard it, The Cult. Of course, if you know your 'old' Ashford pubs, The Colt was where the co-op now is on Faversham Road in Kennington and if you know your music, The Cult were a pop band so there you have it.

10. THE WHEEL Thing

9. Robbie WILLIAM-s HARVEY

8. THE PHEO-NIX Kershaw

7. THE Cilla BLACK-SMITHS ARMS (2 in there)

6. THE NEW FLYING HORSE Pickets

5. Charlotte CHURCH-ILLS

4. The So Solid CRU-SADER

3. U-2-OPIA

2. THE AL-BION-cey

1. Daniel Merry-WETHER-SPOONS

Also, we had a random chat about old drinks that we don't seem to drink anymore, including Cream Soda, Bitter Lemon, Ginger Beer, Babycham, Dandelion and Burdock and Sarsaparilla. That led us on to Soda Streams when you could actually make your very own fizzy drinks. Then we really went for a trip down memory lane and started talking about Victor Kiam and he liked the Remington so much, he bought the company. We remembered Ronco and K-Tel and all the weird little household objects they used to make like the Button-Master (a gadget for popping the buttons back on things, I know, flipping genius). But the one thing that shocked me was that Kirstyn had never heard of a Teas-Maid, incredible. Just in case some others of you have managed to miss out on a Teas-Maid, well it's a Seventies thing and was a machine that not only woke you up in the morning because of the alarm, but a steaming hot cup of tea would be waiting for you. I just got a wife instead (I'm joking).

Monday, March 8

The Monday Morning surgery was very busy this morning and as always, nobody had a gripe or a groan, a mope or a moan, you just all wanted to celebrate life. It makes my job so much easier; as I really don't know what I'd do if someone did want a gripe, so well done everyone. And thanks to Pauline, Gregg, Samantha, Ian, David from Biffa, Big Tony, Len, Val and finally Frankie T who once again rang in to tell me another word/phrase that excited him. Today's came with a rather amusing anecdote. The phrase was 'surplus to requirements' and here is the reason it was used. Frankie T was under the impression that he was in for some hot dates with his girlfriend, as they were going off to the country for the weekend. That was until the phone call came from (for the purposes of this extract, I will refer to the lady as Miss X) Miss X informing him that she had double booked and was actually going out with the girls and that he was 'surplus to requirements'. It's cold and calculating, but I can't help but admire her (sorry Frankie).

So my weekend was once again full to the brim with football, mostly enjoyable but it did have it's down moments. The whole of Saturday at West Ham with my son was brilliant, except the actual scoreline. It got better on Saturday though as my sons Gillingham under 14's team trounced Cambridge 5-1. The down side of this was missing the M25 turn off whilst on the M11 and putting an hour on the journey home. Then it was off to Pitchside on Stanhope for some old man football and we were triumphant yet again.

Kirstyn has been cooking again, bless her and her cheese scones are the talk of her office.

Friday, March 5

The best laid plans and all that. My day yesterday was spent hob-knobbing with the rich and famous in Ascot. Oh yeah! My ex boss (who is very rich) sent his driver to collect me as he wanted my help in remembering some of the hazy details of when we were together at another radio station. It was a very intriguing stroll down memory lane and brought up some interesting facts that I had forgotten myself. Just after we had finished our musings, the doorbell rang and I went to answer it. I was rather startled, to say the least, to see Michael McIntrye standing there, what a laugh, literally. He has now become my new friend after a bonding session driving my mates Ferraris. Next was the inevitable jaunt to the pub in Egham, which is a lovely little establishment, mainly full of very posh people with more money than sense. Fortunately I had a driver to get me home so I could have a doze and sleep it off a bit.

Having said that, I'm feeling a tad weary now so probably best I get myself home and get some zedzzz's in before I'm back in the early hours of tomorrow for the Graveyard Shift, where we will be once again be giving some stuff away.

Thursday, March 4

So, I'm off out to the countryside of Surrey today in a chauffer driven limousine, oh yeah baby. First off, I'm sorry for leaving the area and secondly, sorry for showing off. I'm going up to my ex-bosses house to help him remember out time together at another radio station. He's just finishing off the second volume of his autobiography and his memories of those times are slightly blurred and that's where I come in to it. Not saying that my mind wasn't a bit hazy, but two brains are better than one. Do bare with me tomorrow, as I believe we are having a couple of libations after we have finished.

Just time to give you today's top ten, that was called Marks Game after my old mate Gilo who came up with it. So we merged insects with pop artists

10. Buddy Holly and the CRICKETS

9. Blue-BOTTLE

8. MILLIPE-Diddy

7. Black Eyed FLEAS

6. U BEE 40

5. The Soup DRAGON FLIES

4. KNAT King Cole

3. Al GREEN-FLY

2. The FLEA Degrees

1. Earth-WORM Wind and FIRE-FLIES

And a big up to Tim who won the wooden spoon, but at least he had a go, his offering was Rick WASP-ly, which frankly was appalling.

Wednesday, March 3l

Do you know what, I'm not even going to bother you with anything else that happened today, a) because nothing much happened and b) because the merging game is an absolute belter. So I'm not going to even bother doing a top ten, its impossible so I'm going to give you the lot, and they are all beauties. It was pop artists merged with pop songs. I'll capital letter the artists for you to make it easier.

SIMPLY RED light spells danger; FLEETWOOD MAC the knife; ERROL BROWN girl in the ring; I got U 2 babe; Prince BUSTER RHYMES; ADAM ANT music; U 2 become one; THE FUN BOY 3 times a lady; THE STREETS have no name; SWING OUT SISTERS are doing it for themselves; JLS club party; THE SATURDAY-s night fever; we are THE LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY; I've had the time of my WESTLIFFE; 3 times a LADY GA GA; AMY WINEHOUSE of the rising sun; KC AND THE walking on SUNSHINE BAND; FLORENCE AND THE sex MACHINE; jive TALKING HEADS; LINKIN PARK life; SPICE GIRLS just wana have fun; U 2 little boys-ZONE; and finally the biggest mix of the lot and winner for today, congratulations to Chris and this extraordinary attempt.

MICHAEL-JACKSON-BROWN-sugar and SPICE-GIRLS-ALOUD

Tuesday, March 2

Thanks to Tina for coming up with today's merging game, don't forget I still need your help as I am literally at the end of my much frayed tether. She gave me three examples, Can’t get you out of my HEAD, She's got Betty Davies EYES; and Tiger FEET, which were songs and body parts merged. As always, my favourites are the slightly out of the box offerings.

10. Shut upya FACE

9. CH-in the middle of the night

8. It's B-rain-ing men

7. The tide is T-high

6. Broken HEELS

5. My Ding-a-Ling (don't get that one)

4. LUNG and winding road

3. Mistle-TOE and wine

2. Stand and de-LIVER

1. RIGHT EAR right now.

So when Kirstyn bowled up eventually, I seemed to spend the rest of the show fending off accusations of sexism from her. This all resulted in my surprised face when our newsreader Luke Hollands handed over to Ruth Banks to read the sport. Now I know that women know all about sport and are very impressive broadcasters. It's just that I like Luke reading the sport because he gets very excited about it and starts speaking like a Dalek. So I was a bit disappointed when Ruth came on because he makes me laugh, that' all. It had absolutely nothing to do with sexism, you'd think. Kirst was like a dog with a bone and wouldn't let it go. Two and a half hours of accusations thrown my way, I'm exhausted.

Right, I'm off to The North School for the official opening of the new climbing wall. The invitation made me smile, it reads

1.30pm Guests arrive

2.00pm Opening ceremony

2.30pm Refreshments and wall-scaling (now that will surely get a bit messy).

 Monday, March 1

My Dusty's Years Disco at the weekend has rather taken its toll on me. I must admit, I seem to enjoy myself a little bit too much and end up leaving my mate Gary (MC Mooro) to do most of the work. He deserves the majority of the credit for putting on a heck of a show and keeps you dancing all night. I just end up at the bar a lot and dancing the night away, whilst getting all the plaudits and it doesn't seem right.

The Monday Morning Surgery was again open for business and I quite literally had a real patient. Pete rang me after I had said that you must pop your head out of the window and have a look at the incredible full moon that was so big and illuminated that it was quite a phenomenon. His complaint was that I didn't say to open the window first. Sorry about that Pete, I just assumed you might have sussed that bit out.

Kirstyn is very excited about her new feature that she has been working on. It's called The Better Tune and its very straight forward, like the title. She picks two tunes of a particular artist, one you wouldn't always hear on our play-list and you decide what is the better tune and we play it, simples! She also shocks us with news that she has applied to appear on The Weakest Link. To be totally honest, the way she speaks to me sometimes, she'd give Anne Robinson a run for her money in presenting it.

After reading a news story about two clowns being pictured in their car speeding, we ended up going down the line of what gives you the willies. I've always had a bit of a phobia about clowns, they really weird me out and it turns out I'm not the only one. Mannequins are something else that flips my stomach over, I have a lot of trouble walking around big department stores, I just get the feeling they are watching me and may lean out and grab me at any given moment. Also, I'm not overly keen on ventriloquist dummies since I watched a horror flick as a kid that starred Anthony Hopkins was called Magic and his dummy came to life, freaky. Kirstyn also had to make a public apology to me as she didn't think the film existed, so Hah Hah.

Friday, February 26

The Friday Phone-In went down very well this morning as I took calls from Pauline who will be celebrating her birthday on Sunday with three friends from Coventry. Margaret's tumble dryer had broken down so she got her old mangle out. Len was moving back into his caravan on The Marsh, which is situated on a holiday park (I want to live in a holiday park), Richard from Wye has got his canoe out just incase the rain keeps coming and the self named fun boy three, which consists of Ian, Colin and big Tony will be joining in the fun at The George tomorrow night as Webbo's Dusty's Disco rolls in to Town and by the way, you are all welcome.

Kirstyn had plenty to chat about today. Some of the highlights were clearing out her neighbours sink with a kebab skewer, inventing a brand new super hero for her son Jacks school money raising event and mentioning her nephew who is working at Coty and as coincidence would have it, so does her neighbour, I know, you couldn't make it up. But the biggest talking point has to be her erotic dream about Randy Jackson. Now it turns out he's not one of THE Jacksons, but some bloke who judges the American version of The X Factor or something. Anyway, she is overawed by the whole dream and can't stop a) swooning over him or b) banging on about it.

When I do get a go, I tell the story of my phone call I had last night from the legend that is Jools Holland. My friend and colleague Adam Dowling is covering The Saturday Show for Benedict tomorrow and wanted a good guest and a local one at that. Now I must admit, I haven't spoken to Jools for a long time so was a bit worried about making the call. But he rang me back and what a lovely bloke he is. So I urge you to have a listen to the show, he also had another Jules on Judge Jules and the main man from Dr. Hook, remember them? Plus rugby legend Lawrence Dallagllio, what a line-up.

As for us two, well Kirst is back tonight for The Essential 80s and I'm on The Graveyard Shift from 1 am and then again from mid-night on Saturday. I'm going to have to rush across the road of course, as I mentioned earlier I'm in The George for my Dusty's Disco, do join me and if not, have a brilliant weekend whatever you're up to.

Thursday, February 25

Oh dear, feel a bit ropey this morning, but that'll learn me for going out on a school night. I went to a beer tasting night at Utopia in Bank Street and perhaps enjoyed the festivities a bit too much. I was a guest of Mathew Ball of Ball Contactors and we tucked into a glorious meal created by the fair hand of Steve the chef whilst sampling beers from around the world. The next thing I knew it was half past midnight and I was still on a full pint. Bert the roofer finally convinced me to leave and pushed me out the cab at the top of my road to squeeze in three hours kip.

Fortunately, Mad Angie had already come up with a merging game for me which took the pressure off me a tad. It's a genius idea and involved mixing local companies with films.

10. Turner and Hooch-ins

9. Goldrush-Hour

8. Block-ghost-busters

7. Lord of the Geer-rings

6. The twighlight-shoe-zone

5. Dodge-Ball Contractors

4. Rocky-s

3. Around the Cineworld in 80 days

2. Marathon Man of Kent

1. Journey to The Stour Centre of the earth

And finally, whilst Kirstyn was trying a bit of one-upmanship on me, she managed to shoot herself in her delicate lady-like foot. There was a story on-line of a survey that suggests women are brainier than men. The headline said 'women are cleverer than men'. Unfortunately she said that women were MORE cleverer than men. I rest my case.

Wednesday, February 24

I refuse to let all you Man. U supporters bring me down or ruin my day by haranguing me with your messages reminding me of last nights result. Plus I'm actually quite pleased with the outcome. It was only 3-0, which for us is a right result as I've seen them notch up cricket scores against us on many occasions.

Today's merging game is compliments of Mary and in recognition of that fact, I feel obliged to call it Mary's Game. She even gave us a clue which was crackerjack. Nobody fell in immediately but when you did, you came up trumps. It was TV programmes merged together. You had Cracker (the Robbie Coltrane series) and Crackerjack the eighties kids programme, although someone went on to add another one and came up with Cracker-Jack-anory

10. Strictly come DANCING on ice

9. Holby sex in the CITY

8. Thunder-BIRDS of a feather

7. Wife SWAP shop

6. Midsommer MURDERS she wrote

5. Dickinson’s real DEAL or no deal

4. Darling buds of MAY to December

Here's where they get even bigger and better.

3. The BILL and BEN-ny Hill show (3)

2. How clean is your HOUSE-Doctor-Who-wants to be a millionaire (4)

1. Our FRIENDS in the NORTH and SOUTH park

Our dear friend Nigel Donkin (Donuts) from The Pilgrims Hospice was on the dog and bone to plug some of the money raising events coming up. If you want to find out more details then log on http://www.pilgrimshospice.org/

Tuesday, February 23

Thank goodness for the delightful Kerry, who, in my hour of need came up with the goods for me. I do hope that didn't sound rude, that was not my intention. What I'm getting at is that when last week I had a mental block when it came to the merging game, she stepped in. So today's game was called Kerry's Game in honour of the lady herself, Kerry (obviously, be stupid if I called it Mary's game, although having said that, if Mary wants to come up with a game, she is more than welcome and that goes for all of you, I need help).

10. Weather with YOU know me

9. Honky tonk WOMEN in love

8. Eye of the TIGER feet

7. Spice up your LIFE on Mars

6. Heartbreak HOTEL California

5. Don't let the House of the rising SUN go down on me

4. Rhythm of the NIGHT shift

3. Crocodile ROCK around the clock

2. Endless love is in the air tonight

1. Down in a tube station at MIDNIGHT train to GEORGIA on my mind.

Had a great meeting with our Help for Heroes committee last night about the kmfm charity challenge football match which is bigger and better than ever. It really is going to be quite a day, trust me. To find out more, go to the web-site http://www.ashfordcharityfunds.co.uk/ and you'll be amazed at what will be happening on the day for a very cheap ticket.

Monday, February 22

Weekend, what weekend, where did it all go? I think it's probably to do with the fact that I now do The Graveyard Shift on Saturdays and Sundays, plus I got the Saturday Breakfast show again this week instead of Finny. Finny's disappearance has been even more of a talking point than Stacey killing Archie. I must admit, that I thought that at the last moment they might name Tiger Woods as the culprit, he seems to have got most things wrong recently, so why not.

The Monday Morning Surgery was open for business as usual and the funniest call I got was from Ian. He was fishing for the first time ever after being convinced by his mates to do so. What a stupid day to pick Ian, if you don't mind me saying so. In fairness, he did agree with me and said he was wet, cold and bored and it looked as if the only thing he was going to catch was a cold.

Kirstyn turned up in a strange mood (I know, no change there then) after watching a scary movie last night just before bed-time. That'll learn her. She was still quite boggle eyed and looked rather befuddled and bemused, bless her. I managed to calm her down though and we got through the morning with her throwing her pen at me only three times. What I have to do is stop returning it to her. Having said that, she might just find something heavier next time so it's the lesser of the evils.

I'm still glowing in the success of my team at the weekend, the mighty West Ham hammering Hull and rising up the table to the dizzy heights of 13th. Still a long way to go though so I'm not counting my chickens, which wouldn't take long as I don't actually have any chickens. Apart from the one in the fridge of course, but don't think that counts. Oh dear, gone a bit random, better go.

Friday, February 19

Sorry everyone, but yet again I'm going to have to keep my blog short and sweet, because Kirstyn and I are off to out office in Canterbury so we can be legally trained. What's all that about? Apparently, when you do a job like ours, you have to be careful not to say the wrong thing. To be honest with you, I reckon we do that every day of the week, so what's the point.

So, very quickly, Kirstyn will be back tonight for her award winning Essential 80s show from 7 (ok it hasn't won an award yet, but it won't be long). I'm back on The Graveyard Shift tomorrow morning, or late tonight if you like for more merriment and mirth and a fantastic prize for you to win. Plus, as an extra bonus, I'm back doing the breakfast show tomorrow morning, what a laugh.

Have a great weekend people, I love you all. x

Thursday, February 18

Right, got a do a quick one today as I'm off to the Surestart funday over at Bockhanger Community Centre from 10 til mid-day. All under 5's welcome plus older siblings as its half term.

My first hour today was dedicated to my column in today's Kentish Express and it's all about my minor annoyances, I won't go into full detail because you'll have to buy the paper (it's only 70p) to get the full story. It all came about because of an experience in a supermarket I had, honestly, people with trolleys turn into completely different people. Basically it's a whole special awareness thing that gets me seething. Den hates supermarkets moving their isles around all the time and Charlotte doesn't care for the way people park in supermarkets. Brad's not impressed with people who don't take their shoes off when they come in your house, or people that don't acknowledge you in their cars when you let them out or those who don't indicate on roundabouts, they wound a few of you up actually. Val gets annoyed at people who don't wash their hands after going to the toilet in public lavs and Den detests it when people park their car in front of your drive.

To be honest, I could go on forever as this really struck a chord, but got to go, have a good day.

Wednesday, February 17

Brits all the way today, did you watch it? I think a lot of blokes in particularly, were flitting back and forth between the Inter Milan game and Man Utd, well I was anyway. My daughter Maisy and I sat there from start to finish and I have to say, we were a tad disappointed. Peter Kay, who I generally adore, I didn't think dealt with the autocue very well at all and ad-libs so much better. Sam Fox carried on where she left off by cocking up her intro to the 'most memorable Brit performance', calling it the most rememorable and the VT not working. The highlights for us were Dizzee Rascal and Florence and the Machine combo and the duet with Jay Z and Alicia Keys. Cheryl Cole can't mime very well although her dance routine was brilliant and Lilly Allen's acceptance speech was just a drunken giggle fest. But I wish I could have heard all of Liam Gallagher's tirade, but most of it had to be bleeped out.

I did an item in my 'wake up with Webbo' hour called he Webbo Wednesday Wegister (I of course exchanged the 'r' in register for a 'w' only because it fitted with the other w's better). The only people that wegistered were Bwian, Woger, Way and Wodewick actually wang in.

I also did my Brits Special™ merging game in honour of last night, so I mixed together pop artists and here are the top ten.

10. Bruce Sprigs-Tina Turner

9. Lady Ga Ga-rbage

8. George Michael Jackson

7. Jay Z-Z Top

6. Dean House-Martin-s

5. Florence and the Mach-eena Easton

4. The White-Snake-Stripes

3. Jason Dona-Van Morrison

2. Boy George Michael Buble

1. Paul Simon le Bon-nie Tyler

Other snippets involved men's bodily functions (blowing off mainly), drinking Pina Colada (which gave us a chance to play the song), and mistakenly buying tulips for the wife on Valentine's Day instead of roses, oh dear, what a faux pas. That was of course until I dug them out of their hole. I looked up the meaning of what sending tulips is all about and here's what I found. If you're looking to leave butterflies in their tummies, choose tulips and watch them blush. Wildly popular throughout history, tulips are a comfortable flower choice and one that expresses perfect love. That's alright fellows, don't mention it, I'm sure you'd do the same for me.

Tuesday, February 16

To start off, let me tell you how you can get the chance to win a brand spanking new car, yes you heard me right, a brand spanking new car. To be precise it's a Peugeot 107 and it's all thanks to our friends at Robins and Day in Canterbury. There are three simple steps to achieve this. Firstly text the word UP (no kmfm) to 81800 including your name and address. If we ring you back you MUST answer your phone with 'kmfm my numbers up'. Answer like that and your golden ticket to the 'my numbers up party' is yours. If you're holding the winning number at the end of the party, the car is yours, get in there. And here is the bit I have to tell you or they put me in jail, the texts are charged at one pound and 50 English pennies and a quid of that goes to Marie Curie Cancer Care, good luck.

So the merging game started with a clue this morning which was David Essex and then (when nobody had got it) Michael Bolton. Yes, you've got it now, pop artists and places in Britain. Here are my faves.

10. Dionne Warwick-SHIRE

9. GLAS-GO West

8. Terence Trent DERBY

7. Brotherhood of Man-CHESTER

6. Barry THE ISLE of White

5. ISLE OF MAN-fred Man

4 FOLKE-Stone Roses

3. Jason LON-Don-avan

2. ABER-Dean Martin

The number one has to go to a double artist which is Chuck BURY St Dave EDMONDS. Special mentions for Leona Lewisham, Chesney Hawkhurst, Alexandra Burkenhead and Mick Fleetwood Services.

There was an 'aahhh' moment when we made a phone call to Sally and Alf who were celebrating their 53rd wedding anniversary and they said it would never last. Den, the daughter who rang it in initially, then rang back to say that since our live call, Sally had rang her. She said that when she'd heard us tease it that we were making a special call to a special couple, she thought it might be her, so she went and brushed her hair. How sweet is that!

Monday, February 15

I've been running the Monday Morning Surgery now for a few months, just in case you wake up with the Monday morning blues and need to talk to someone, namely me. It's for your gripes and groans, your mopes or moans, or just if you want to celebrate life. I have to say, there hasn't been a moan in sight. Every single one of you takes the high road in life and ring just to say hello or something life affirming, you're such a happy bunch, you really are.

Once again our weekends couldn't have been more diverse, although they did have a common bond. Both events were organized by Kirstyn's neighbours. Her friend Becky had organized a Valentine Ball at Ashford International Hotel to raise money for her up coming climb of Kilimanjaro. All of the proceeds go to the Marie Curie Cancer Care and Kirstyn was there to help out draw the raffle. She looked lovely and I'm shocked to find that she didn't leave the ball with more than just a smile as she looked gorgeous with her hair all crinkled up. It's just a shame she doesn't see herself as everyone else does.

My Saturday night was spent down at The Albion pub on Frogs Island, where I and MC Mooro were behind the desks of Webbo's Dusty's Years Disco. It was for Pete Skivvington's (Skivvy, or for Pete's sake, if you like) surprise 50th birthday party and we rocked the place. The funny part of all this is that he has been as miserable as sin for the last few weeks, because his daughter Hayley (Kirst's other neighbour, there's the connection) had told him he was going for a meal with her and boyfriend Rob. All he wanted to do was go for a beer with his mates, so you imagine how chuffed he was when the surprise was unveiled. What a great night it was and fortunately my mate does the driving so I managed to squeeze in a few libations myself.

Friday, February 12

I do love to give stuff away, that's what's good about doing the Graveyard Shift (EVERY SATURDAY MORNING FROM 1AM UNTIL 6AM AND THEN SUNDAYS FROM MIDNIGHT UNTIL 5AM), because we give you the chance to win stuff willy-nilly. But today we gave away two pairs of tickets to go and see The Brits at Earls Court next Tuesday. Kirsty was our first winner and we couldn't have asked for a better reaction, bless her. She took a bit of warming up in fairness, but once the penny had dropped after my initial wind-up, she really got quite excited and then our Kirstyn got a bit emotional, bless them both. The next winner was Angela who bizarrely enough used to work with Kirstyn at the Stour Centre; just a coincidence, honest. Actually, Kirst has worked with most people over the last twenty years, she's had more jobs than anyone I've ever met and I can't help but wonder why.

The snow from yesterday turned into ice and obviously caused a few problems, but having said that there wasn't too much disruption to the roads or schools with only a handful closing.

So Kirstyn will be back from 7 tonight for her essential 80s show, my Graveyard Shift will then turn into the longest shift in the world as I will be covering for Finny on tomorrow's breakfast show. Unfortunately, my Maisy and her friend Daisy won't be able to join me this time, but I think I might make 'Ben friend' stay on with me. He keeps an eye on me on the overnight show, so if I've got to stay on, I'm making sure he does as well. Might even be able to blag a prize or two to give away, we'll see. But do try to join me at some stage and let me know you're out there. You can of course keep in touch by dialing the studio on 01233 610761, by text on 81800 and always start your message with kmfm then a space then your message, or via the webite kmfm.co.uk

If you are entering the comp overnight then you simply start your text with PRIZE and then the answer a, b or c and your name and postcode, simple.

Have a fantastic weekend whatever it is you are up to.

Thursday, February 11

My glorious night visiting my very own Mecca, namely The Boleyn Ground home of West Ham United, had its thunder stolen by the adverse weather conditions, stupid snow. My journey home was slightly delayed, meaning I had about three hours' sleep. Then the stuff really hit the fan when I got to work as Ashford, Tenterden and our beautiful surrounding areas came to a halt. It has been, and carries on being a blooming nightmare. It took over the whole show and the phones didn't stop ringing for the whole four hours, thanks for all of your help. It's weird you know how my colleague, who is a Chelsea supporter who loves to gloat at my team's shortcomings and his team's position, never mentions football when the roles are reversed. Funny that. I took great pleasure in not saying a dicky bird all morning, but just sat there with a self satisfied look on my face, like the cat that got the cream. You could see it was killing him me not saying anything and refused to broach it. Eventually he couldn't bear it anymore and he brought it up. I just shook my head nonchalantly and said 'football is a funny old game' and it felt good. Just in case you were unaware, West Han hammered Birmingham and Chelsea got annihilated by Everton

I looks as if the weather has set in for a couple of days so good luck in getting to wherever it is you're supposed to be getting. Of course myself and Kirstyn will be back without fail tomorrow to guide you through the ups and downs and the ins and outs of the traffic and travel and school closures.

Wednesday, February 10

Straight into my top ten which was merging films together with confectionary. My clue to kick off the game was Mutiny on the Bounty.

10. The Maltes-er Falcon

9. Snakes on Aero-Planes

8. High Planes Drifter

7. Marathon Man

6. Fight Club

5. When Mars Attacks

4. Clockwork Chocolate Orange

3. Brave-love-Heart

2. Star-bar-Wars

1. City Snickers

We also fell in to a new game when a nice man called David Fox e-mailed us to ask for our help to name his new company. It's a floor and wall tiling service and you came up with loads. My favourites have to Out on the Tiles; Grout Balls of Fire; Tiles with Smiles; Miles of Tiles and then me and Kirstyn had her go. Her first offering wasn't up to much in fairness, it was Slap it Up but she redeemed herself with The Fantastic Mr. Fox's Tile Company and mine, which I think has nailed it, you can either go with The Tile Council or stick an S in front of the tile, or is that too obvious? The S-Tile Council?

Kirstyn managed to duck under another one of my jokes, ok it wasn't my best, but I still got a kick out of it. We were talking about parents going to the East Stour School to talk about the jobs they do to help the kids get the gist of what people do for careers. Kirst said they want anyone, from brain surgeons to run of the mill type jobs. I told her I actually knew someone who ran a mill and asked if that was a run of the mill job. She thought I really knew somebody that did that job, so I kind of went with it and called him Terry.

Tuesday, February 9

Yesterday's meeting seemed to go without too much fuss, although the drive home was rather fraught as for some reason the nominated driver (Richard Adams) and his shotgun co-pilot (Neil 'Redders' Redding) couldn't work out how on earth to use the de-mister to clear the window screen. Many instructions were being offered from the back seat as to how to get them to work, from me and Adam Dowling, but to no avail. The only person oblivious to the whole scenario was Kirstyn, who was busy snoring her head off. In fairness, she'd had a very full-on meeting, while we were snoring. She does love a meeting and a heated debate, but does tend to take over the proceedings but it is very funny. Needless to say, we got back safe and sound although anyone seeing our car pass them must have thought we were all chuffing on cigars as the condensation inside the car was dense, must have been Kirst's snoring, I reckon.

Another Tuesday and another merging game. Today's two topics were TV programmes and Films, I kicked you off with The X MEN Factor and then you took over.

10. Ready Steady COCCOON

9. FOOT-LOOSE Women

8. THE GOOD, THE BAD, and THE UGLY Betty

7. DIRTY HARRY Hills TV Burp

6. Match of the INDEPENDENCE Day

5. Strictly Come DIRTY DANCING

4. Who Wants to be a SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

3. BETTY BLUE Peter

2. 3 2 1 FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

1. ONE FLEW OVER THE ready steady CUCKOOS NEST

And finally, after two years of Kirstyn telling me the same old story, every time a Belinda Carlisle record comes on, the truth is out. Her oldest friend Clare, who she's known since she was three, once sat next to Belinda on a plane she would bleat. Well, Clare rang in today and apparently that's not the case. She saw her whilst on holiday, but the person she actually sat next to, was her ex-boyfriend's, brother's, teacher? Hardly Belinda flipping Carlisle is it? Well at least we won't have to hear the story again.

Monday, February 6

I don't think anyone was expecting the blizzards we got this morning, were you? It seemed to catch everyone by surprise and brought the likes of Charing and Challock Hill, respectively, to a stand still. Thanks for all of your updates.

The Monday Morning Surgery was open for business as usual and as usual I gave you the chance to tell me about your gripes and groans, your mopes and moans but once again, as usual, none of you were down or depressed or were having a dose of Monday morning blues, far from it. You rang in to have a chat and celebrate how great life is.

Got to keep this brief as we are off to blooming Medway to have a 'breakfast crew' meeting. Basically that's when all the presenters from around the county gather together to have a chat. In fairness, I don't really care what the other presenters have to say, I've got enough to deal with, with Kirstyn. Still, the bosses like to get us to bond together and we are not going say no are we, I love my job.

Friday, February 5

I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too, Thursday I don’t care about you it’s Friday I’m in love. Monday you can fall apart, Tuesday Wednesday break my heart, Thursday doesn’t even start, it’s Fridays I’m in love.

The early hour of breakfast started with my Friday phone-in. Just in case you were unaware of what the Friday phone in is all about, let me explain. It’s basically a ‘phone-in’ and it’s Friday, hence the ‘Friday phone in’, simple but effective I’m sure you’ll agree. Thank you all for your calls and a happy anniversary to you Ken, who has been married to Den, that’s right, Ken and Den (they should make dolls out of them). They’ve been married for 22 years, which in my calculations is three broken mirrors and one and they said it would never last (actually nobody said that, that was me, it’s almost become another catchphrase).

Love is in the air as Valentine Day approaches us with great speed and velocity. For some it is purely an over hyped day that has been heavily commercialised in order to make the card and flower company a shed load of money, honestly, you cynics. To others, it’s a chance to show a loved one just how much you love them, someone bring me a bucket. Listen all next week to find out how you could be surprising your other half, as well as winning a great trip to Bruges.

I know I always say, but you must tune in to Kirstyn’s brilliant Essential 80’s show from 7pm tonight and if you can hang around til the early hours, my Graveyard Shift starts at one and I hope to guarantee you some mirth and merriment as well as the music you want.

Have a stunning weekend, whatever you are up to.

Wednesday, February 3

Today’s show was mainly based around two things. The fact that Kirstyn bowled up in a reasonably good mood for a change was a pleasant surprise and then teased us with the fact that she had a very amusing story to enlighten us with. I spent the next three hours trying to fathom out which of her stories she found to be so hysterical.

I’m not sure, but it could have been the highly entertaining ‘walking the dog and finding a walnut cake on the floor’ story OR was it the ‘I’ve still got my own teeth’ anecdote. Perhaps it was the breaking tiles in Matalan car park with her kick-boxing club for charity that was to have our sides aching. I’m pretty convinced that it was none of the above because it hadn’t even raised a smile. I’m thinking that it was the ‘milk is really good for your teeth because teeth are actually bones’ story. Now this one had me rolling in the aisles, but unfortunately I don’t think it was the ‘funny story’, it was just a throwaway comment and she truly believed it. My amusement didn’t help the mood.

I did another of my merging games today, only because I thought of it yesterday and couldn’t wait another day to play it because of my intense excitement. So here is my top 10 of films merged with films. Congratulations by the way to Mark Giles for guessing what game we were playing, the clue was The Rocky Horror Show which is of course a film in it’s own right, and ROCKY is in the title, which as we all know, is another one.

10. The Never Ending TOY Story

9. Live and Let DIE Hard

8. A Few Good MEN In Black

7. West Side LOVE Story

6. The Magnificent 7 Brides for 7 Brothers

5. The Great ESCAPE to Victory

4. The Sixth SENSE and Sensibility

3. The Full MONTY Python and the Holy Grail

2. Charlie and the Chocolate FOOTBALL Factory

1. Throw Mama MIA from the Train

 

Tuesday, February 2

Without further ado, I want to launch straight into my ‘merging game’ which today was film stars and films.

10. W.C. Fields of Dreams

9. Charlie CHAPLIN and the chocolate factory

8. Saving Private RYAN O’Neil

7. Robert SHAW- Shank Redemption

6. MINNIE Taxi Driver

5. GREASE Witherspoon

4. Sean Con-Air-y

3. John WAYNE’s World

2. Romancing the SHARON Stone

1. Indianna CATHERINE-ZETA Jones and the Temple of Doom.

And there is an interesting story about the winner. Emma rang in with to say that she was in bed with Lulu, her cat, and then gave me her offering which was Sylvestor Stallone Alone. It’s not the best, but it’s what happened next that was amusing. I asked her if she had any more and I heard her say "Is that it, or have we got any more?" Well, I immediately assume she is talking to the cat Lulu, which is obviously a tad strange. But oh no, it turns out that there is somebody else in bed called Andy, who then rings back from the scene of their boudoir to give us the winning answer. Still not sure who Andy is, or what he was doing in bed with Emma and Lulu, but good luck to him.

Monday, February 1

Oh goodness me, what a weekend that was. I told you on Friday it was going to be a busy one, and I wasn’t wrong. The highlight has to be Friday night down at The George as I rolled out my "Dusty’s Years Disco" with the help of my dear friend Gary "Gazza" Moore (I will try to come up with a better nickname, any suggestions?). You turned up in your droves and made it a very special night as we rolled back the years with some classic seventies and eighties dance-floor fillers. There wasn’t room to swing a cat in the dance arena from 9pm until we finally finished at 1am. it was supposed to be midnight but nobody wanted to go home. We did of course finish the evening with a couple of classic ‘ten-to-two’ slow dances, because that’s always how it would finish back in the day and I’m glad to report that there was definitely some love in the air and a bit of smooching going on, oh yeah!

Before that, I went off to the Beaver Road Working Man’s Club to help present a cheque to Rosie’s grandparents, who are trying to raise enough cash to buy a mobility car so that can get her home as much as possible. Stefan Stanko, the man who was driving the car that tragically killed two innocent people and injured several others including poor little Rosie, was sentenced on Friday, he actually got the maximum amount of time that could be dished out, but it is still far from what he should have got, I’ll say no more.

Saturday morning I attended a demonstration outside North School about the proposed move to build 25 houses on the school farm. There must have been at least 150 passionate people there who are spitting feathers about the KCC’s ridiculous idea. Let’s hope that ‘people power’ wins the day.

Kirstyn was speculating to accumulate on Saturday night as she ventured down to the local bingo hall and chanced her arm at some minor gambling. Unfortunately, she wasn’t particularly successful. But as I pointed out, when she tells me to calm down about getting upset about my footy team losing by saying "it’s only a game", I turned the tables on her by saying the same.

Friday, January 29

Today’s show took on a whole French feel, for two reasons really. One, the blooming French have decided to have another little strike at their ports and Operation Stack is officially on stand-by. That kicked off a whole plethora of calls from you listeners fed up with them going on strike at the drop of a hat. But I have to say that a few of you rang to tell me how much you admired the French for not taking it lying down, and to a point, I have to agree.

The second reason for the Gaelic feel, was because of a call from Frank T. Now if you are a regular listener you may remember Frank rang last week to say what a fan he was of the word ‘probe’. It really is a great word and we all agreed. Personally it reminded me of aliens, because they like to probe, don’t they? Well, this week he decided to like the French phrase vis-à-vis, he had no idea what it meant, he just liked it and has been using it frequently. Kirstyn and I couldn’t help very much as we are both rather inept at the language. But luckily enough, young Jack, who is seven years of age, does know the lingo and rang to tell us that it actually means ‘face-to-face’. Brilliant work Jack, but you really have put us to shame. The theme carried on for most of the show, and oh what fun we had with it. I’m thinking that perhaps we should theme every show with a different country’s language, so Monday I reckon we have a go at Spanish, keep it simple and then slowly up the ante. By this time next week we’ll be doing it in Lithuanian. Watch this space.

Right, here’s my weekend in a nutshell. Down to the Beaver Road Working Man’s Club tonight to help present the cheque of the monies raised for little Rosie. Up Town to The George for Webbo’s Dusty’s Years Disco, from 8ish, please do come down and join in. Then my overnight show with my friend Ben, The kmfm Graveyard Shift from 1am until 6am. Tomorrow I’m going to The North School for a demonstration about the farm being destroyed. Again, please do come and show your support. From there, me and my boy are off to watch our beloved Hammers. Saturday night Sunday morning, another Graveyard Shift from midnight to 5am. Sunday, my boy is playing for the Gills under 14’s against Orient and then in the evening I’m playing ‘old man football’ in the vet’s league. And if I survive that, back here for 6 o’clock Monday morning.

Have a brilliant weekend whatever you do.

Thursday, January 28

Right, before you do anything else, like carrying on reading this, stop right now and log on to the petition to Save the Farm. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottom of my bottom. Then, pop out and buy yourself a copy of the Express, because that's the only way you'll get to read my column, which is all about my angst at what is happening down at The North School, plus the right honorable Damian Green MP adds his voice to the cause

Have you done it yet, good. Now, the other thing to is check out the front page story of the Kentish Express which we discussed with our Editor in Chief Robert Barman. It's about the serious sexual assault that took place on Godinton Park on Tuesday evening. The police are appealing for witnesses to come forward that may have been in the area at the time. It might seem completely irrelevant to you, but could be vital to help bring this animal to justice. All the relevant information will be there.

Finally, my top ten game was all about merging film stars with worldwide brands, Vin Diesel kicked it off.

10. Mic-SHELL Pfieffer

9. YVES ST. LAUREN-t Bacall

8. Luke AR-GOS-s

7. Lou Diamond PHILLIPS

6. HOUSE OF Brendan FRASER

5. Stephanie BEECHAM-s

4. NIKE Myers

3. Lee-VI Majors

2. ARMANI Swarzennegger

1 Groucho MARX and SPENCER Tracey

Wednesday, January 27

Ok, I admit it, the "6 tenuous degrees of separation" game didn’t quite pan out the way I wanted it to, but I have to say that some of the stuff that came out because of it almost justified it completely. I started with Bert ‘the roofer’ King and the next call that came in from his cousin Wayne, yes Wayne. He used to live down St Stephens Walk and he used to frequent South Ashford Youth Club on a regular basis. That then led to a call from Paul Brock, who with his brother Chris, used to do the disco at the youth club. Now this opened up a whole kettle of fish, including the last record that was always played, which happened to be the classic ‘At the hop’, loved it. I then mentioned how I remember having my first ever slow dance and kiss, with a girl called Anita. That one opened up a ‘can of worms’ and ‘chucked the cat amongst the pigeons’. That is all because I had a phone call from Janet who is convinced that she was the first person I had kissed and then to top it all off Tina got in touch and said that I told her she was the one. Now, there are a few different scenarios as to why this could have happened. A) My memory has got the better me after all this time. B) The girls in question have got me a tad confused with somebody else, or C) and this is the one I’m hoping for, that at the tender age of 12/13 I was a complete player and was working it. Think about it, what a great line, the girls would have lapped it up. Imagine the conversation "Please be gentle with me, I’ve never danced before or even kissed a girl, you would be my first". They would have been putty in my hands. The only problem here is that I don’t think I would have had the savvy to have pulled it off, so to speak and if I did, it would have been more luck than judgment.

We’re giving away another meal-on-air to you lucky lucky people, so if you do want to get a free two course meal for four and a bottle of wine chucked in, then simply text the word MUNCH (DO NOT START WITH KMFM) then YOUR NAME and then POSTCODE, simples.

Don’t forget, Webbo’s Dusty’s Years Disco (that’s me that is) will be down The George from 8pm, this Friday the 29^th. It’s going to be fantastic, trust me.

 

Tuesday, January 26

It's the Tuesday game ladies and gentlemen, hoorah. This all came from the Hollywood legend that is Ryan O'Neil, star of Love Story, father of Tatum and ex husband of Farrah Fawcett-Majors. I realized that if you say his name quickly enough, it sounds like Rhino Neil, or a Rhino called Neil if you like. So it was all plain sailing from there really, film stars merged with animals. Les and Brad guessed correctly, so well done lads, here are my top ten.

10. S-kate Hudson

9. Gregory WOOD-Peck-er

8. Spaniel Radcliffe

7. Eddie L-Izzard

6. Roger Moore-hen

5. Sean Canary

4. Buster Don-key-ton

3. Rob Buffa-Lowe

2. Steven Sea-Gull

And number one spot goes to Pauline who got two for one with CAM-Mel Gibbon (Mel Gibson if you couldn't quite see it), genius.

Love this story, Jo from Kennington rang us to say that unfortunately she had been given the wrong key to enter the house of her friend, as she was supposed to be cat-sitting while they were on holiday. She was in a bit of a panic and a pickle as she didn't know who to contact to resolve the issue. She did know that the daughter worked in a vets but she wasn't sure which one or how to get hold of her; that's where we came in. We put out a message for somebody to contact her and let her know the situation. So, via a boyfriend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, we tracked her down, Jo got a spare key and the cat survived to fight another day, aahhh.

Monday, January 25

I'm a bit jet lagged this morning so I do apologies for my inane ramblings this morning, or even in this column. The reason for this has nothing whatsoever to do with jet's or any kind of aero plane actually, no no, it's because this weekend was the first time I've done the graveyard shift, so sleep has been a bit erratic. Not sure how many of you managed to catch any of it, but the response was very nice. It is of course networked, so the whole of Kent got to hear me, which was quite daunting, but much of the interaction was with my loyal local listeners, thank you all for your support.

I opened the Monday Morning Surgery to business as normal and got quite a few calls, thanks to Dave, Gary, Mark, Sonia, Tony, Shiela, Tania, Len and most particularly Paul. I say most particularly because it was the most bizarre and made me chuckle. Basically, Paul and his wife Donna, who have the hots for Brad and Angellina respectively, made a pact that if the superstars ever split up, then they would allow each other to pursue their idols. I know, it's a tad strange but very funny all the same. It is a shame that Brad and Ang have gone their own ways, but surely it will be more of a travesty if Paul and Donna split. I don't think it would have the same response world-wide, but I'd be terribly saddened. Mind you, how funny would it be if we read in the papers that Brad is dating a new woman called Donna who lives in South Ashford. In fairness, Paul would have no comeback would he, as he apparently originated the idea, that'll learn 'em.

Anyway, that;s enough about my hour, what's Kirstyn going to bring to the table I wonder? Well, her and Jack saw Toy Story in 3D and her dog Cash has been sick for most of the weekend. Plus she managed to mention 6 out of her top 10 'oldest friends'. Had a row, then I went out for some fresh air. I think that was about that.

Friday, January 22

It's Friday everyone and you know what that means? No? Well let me inform you, it's the Friday phone-in, called thus because it's a phone-in and, well, it's Friday. It works on every level. So just a quick summary of the calls, Len was on the M20 on his way to work, he just wanted to say hello really. Then Keith rang to say he was in the middle of a field staring into a black hole. Good start, he went on to say that it was because he was fishing for pike and he couldn't yet see his nose in front of him yet. Tania informed me she was off to a fancy dress party tomorrow, Frank T said he likes the word 'probe' and Ginnie called in to say she was just packing for her trip to Poland. Angela heard my call for help, I needed milk and she came up trumps and nipped some over to me from the shell garage.

So that was the first hour, pretty busy I have to admit, then Kirstyn Read turned up and it all went down hill frankly.

But that's enough about that; let's tell you what's coming up. Of course there is Kirstyn's magical, masterful and majestic Essential Eighties show from 7 until 10, miss it and miss out. Dave B's Friday feeling then takes over up to 1 am and then, wait for it, it's me. Yes, you heard me right; they've given me my own show at last. Ok it's the graveyard shift and I'm hidden up well out of the way, but it's a start and I can't wait. I'll be joined by 'Ben friend' - his name is Ben and he's my friend, as well as the best blagger in the world and has got us loads of great giveaways during the show. So I'm looking forward to being joined by all you nightworkers, clubbers and insomniacs. To the rest of you, have a brilliant weekend and see you 6 o'clock Monday.

Peace out!Thursday, January 21

Once again I have to keep my blog a bit short as I'm off to Wyvern School to take part in a game of sit-down volleyball. Most of our opposition are disabled, so to even it up we are all on the floor together. I have a funny feeling that we are going to get hammered. The name of the team is The Invicta Hell-Hounds, which strikes fear into us. My team consists of our very own 'on-air' DJs Richard Adams, Redders, Adam Dowling, Bob Mower, Kirstyn and myself. I believe that Kirst is the captain as she does like to bark out the orders.

Before I go, the other thing I want to mention is the Fight for the Farm campaign. The North School farm is under threat from greedy property developers and we want to do everything possible to stop them, so please do get involved. Simply follow this link and add your name, we'd really appreciate it.

I'll fill you in on how we got on tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 20

What a lovely day I've just had. Kirstyn Read 'off the radio' was quite literally off the radio today as she went to a speed awareness course because she's a very naughty girl. Now I was quite happy not to mention this fact, but as it happens she'd told everyone on her Facebook account it was the case, so as it's in the public domain I felt obliged to bring it up. So instead of sitting there on my own and waffling on to myself, I thought I'd employ some members of my family to help me out, namely my daughter Maisy and my Mum.

I have to admit, my Mum took a lot more convincing. She doesn't normally rise until 9 and the thought of getting up in the darkness put a shiver down her spine, but she bowled up on time (which is more than I can say for my normal co-host) like the trooper she is. My Maisy on the other hand took no convincing a) she loves the limelight and b) it meant getting out of Maths. Thank you to Smeeth School for allowing her the time off, much appreciated.

Your good will messages were very welcome; you really are a very nice bunch of people aren't you!

Back to normality tomorrow though, that is of course if Kirstyn manages to pass her examination. I've got this weird feeling that she'll lose the plot completely with her examiner and turn onto the motorway and take him for a joy ride, if you know what I mean. I'll put some other members of my family on stand-by just in case.

Tuesday, January 19

It's Tuesday and you know what that means don't you? No? Oh well. Tuesdays and Thursdays are when I do my merging game and today's offering was film stars and pop groups. My clue to the game was Steve McQueen and only Dave from Biffa was correct and here is the top ten.

10. Hugh Jack-MAN TURNER OVERDRIVE

9. Paul New-MAN-FRED MAN

8. Pierce BROS-man

7. Sylvestor 5 STAR-lone

6. Jack BLACK EYED PEAS

5. Clint EAST-17-Wood

4. Ray Win-STONE ROSES

3. SIMPLY Robert-RED-ford

2. Patrick SwayZe Z TOP

1. Danny Dyer-STRAIGHTS

A special mention to Jo who texted in and got it a bit wrong, she merged two pop groups together, but it's so funny it's worth a mention. Eighties pop group Kajagoogoo and Lady Ga Ga became Lady Kaja-ga-ga-goo-goo.

So tomorrow takes on a slightly different complexion as my partner-in-crime is off on an extensive driving course, so I will be joined by not one, but two members of my family and you will have to wait until tomorrow to find out which ones and I guarantee you will be entertained.

Monday, January 18

I might just have to keep today's blog a bit short, because if I'm honest, I'm struggling to focus on the key-pad after a rather grueling birthday weekend. It stated on Friday night as I ventured into Town to watch a group called Heroes, who are phenomenal. You have to like the old two-tone sound and ska, which is right up my street. Saturday was a bit more laid back and as it was horrible out, we had a family DVD day. Watched The Proposal with Sandra Bullock, very amusing then Night at the Museum 2, hilarious and then The Hangover (ironically enough), which is without doubt, one of the funniest and cleverest films I have ever seen. I can't recommend it highly enough. Sunday went a bit pear shaped, it should have been watching my son play for Gills under 14's, then West Ham on the box then play for my vets team in the evening. Well, I only managed one. Charlie's game was called off just as we got into London, got back just in time to see The Hammers, then the family bowling game turned into a bit of a party and felt a little too wobbly to play but a good day anyway.

Kirstyn had a good weekend it would seem, she came to work in a very positive frame of mind, which I was very pleased about as I don't think my headache could have coped with our bickering today. Sounds like she had a whale of a time down in Dymchurch with her boys. Jack wasn't enamored with having to walk so far, but Cash the dog was in his element as you can imagine.

Now I have to go as I'm stating to see double and they've just brought a birthday cake into work for me, not sure I'll have the strength to blow out all 46 blooming candles.

Friday, January 15

I've got that Friday feeling and it feels great, so great in fact that I was wondering how I could get everyone else to feel as great as I do. Well there was only one answer to be frank, get everyone to whistle more, simple. We were discussing in the office how people just don't whistle anymore and that led onto all sorts of interesting whistling facts and trivia. For instance, in the dark ages it was said that if little girls whistled too much, then they would grow beards, bit harsh. It's along the lines of 'if the wind changes direction, your face will stay the same', but a lot tougher. You have 'whistle and flute', 'a whistleblower', 'whistling Dixie', 'clean as a whistle' and oh so many more too numerous to mention. I'm definitely a whistler as was my Dad before me and his Dad before him, but somewhere along the line, it's lost its way. So I tried to encourage everyone to whistle their way to work (and school). I'm not sure if anyone took me up on the challenge, but it doesn't matter, I had fun.

We had a guest into the studio today, namely Steve Scorah who is the Granddad of Rosie who was tragically knocked down on Beaver Road back in October where two people lost their lives. Rosie is still very poorly and the recovery process will be lengthy. There have been a few fundraisers including the auction I did back in December at the Beaver Road Club which raised nigh on six grand. Since then The Windmill pubs dart team raised another 200 pounds and our dear friends down at Goldrush jewelers, Shaun and Jill brought in a tin from their collection. We were all amazed as the counting rose to over 500 pound, bless them and bless you all that contributed.

Sadly, Maisy and Daisy and myself won't be in tomorrow, Finny is back doing his stuff, but I might have one of them with me on Wednesday for support as Kirstyn has a day off. She's back on tonight for the Essential Eighties and I'm back on Monday at 6 for the Monday morning surgery, slightly bleary eyed after my birthday weekend celebrations, so bear with me. Have a momentous weekend and I'll fill you in on the details when we meet again.

Thursday, January 11

I know we all normally like a bit of snow, especially over the Festive Season, but I don't know about you, I've just about had enough of it now. So what a pleasant treat it was to wake up this morning and see that it had been raining (didn't think I'd ever say that) and was slowly but surely getting rid of the stupid white stuff.

Its Kentish Express day, we love Thursday. Our editor in charge Sir Robert Barman (Kirst for some reason gave him the title, he isn't really a Sir, but give it time) will be joining us later to enlighten us on the events of last week that have created all the headlines.

In the meantime, it was back to my game, which now only rears its ugly head on any day beginning with T. I decided to merge together TV programmes with celebrities and it went down a storm. So here for your perusal is the definitive top 10.

10. BLUE PETER Andre

9. David Esse-X FACTOR

8. Holly-OAKS Willoughby

7. Clint East-ENDERS-Wood

6. SPONGE-Bob Hoskins SQUAREPANTS

5. GAVIN and STACEY from X Factor

4. Kelly Brook-SIDE

3. EMMER-Dale Winton

2. Robert COUNT-DOWN-ey Junior

1. Fern BRITTON'S got Chris Tarrant.

So the stories we broached from the KE were about the teacher from Norton Knatchbull who unfortunately ended up on the school website, toting an AK 47. All a bit unfortunate but hardly sackable. There are some brilliant pictures of 'the big freeze' and we also discussed the battle to save The North School farm which has now become out top campaign priority. Obviously, for full details, pick up your copy of the KE, every Ashfordian and Tentonian should own one.

Wednesday, January 11

I finally managed to start and finish my brand new game entitled '6 tenuous degrees of separation' and I couldn't be happier. I wanted it to go well, just so I could say HAH HAH to Kirstyn who ridiculed me the last time.

So I started off where we finished last week and that was with Jenny Chessman formerly Merle. She's married to Phil who works for Network Rail and they live in Orchard Heights now, although Jen was originally from Stanhope, so all you had to do was have a tenuous (loose) link with any of the above. So Mary from Charing rang in (Happy Birthday by the way) to say her son Mark Hilton used to live on Stanhope and now also lives on Orchard Heights, brilliant. Next call was from Laura Turner who lives with Sarah Parker, two doors down from Mary in Charing.

We took one step back, but it didn't matter too much, because Martin Cotton aka Dot rang to say he went to school at Beaver Green and Duncan Bowen with Mary's son. Next up was Kev McPhee, who knows Martin because they are both retaining firemen. Kev is married to Clare Chambers and they live in Gordon Close. The final link was Helen, she doesn't know Kev or Clare but does live in Gordon Close and that will do. She also knows me, my son Charlie and my Mrs. Lisa. What a laugh!

I also brought in my dossier on the application that has been put in about 25 houses being built on The North School farm, which you all agree is disgraceful. Petitions, complaints and Facebook sites are ongoing as we strive to stop this madness and keep the farm that has been there since 1936, please join the growing army of protestors and log on to the council website, you'll find the link in yesterdays blog.

Tuesday, January 10

My early morning segment, or Wake up with Webbo if you will, was dominated by my frustration at not making the cut on News at Ten last night. They were here filming for 15 minutes and we rather expected to be the stars of the show, but it wasn't to be. I'd told just about every single person I know to watch out for us and was rather disconcerted and indeed disheartened that I wasn't to be seen. My co-host did however get an airing, albeit for about one point two seconds. Still, I'll get over it but building the bridge that takes me there may take some time.

So last Thursday my game was abandoned due to adverse weather conditions, that's right, I was snowed off. I managed to get it underway but it was obvious from the outset that other issues were going to take priority, so I brought it back for a second attempt and here is the top ten of film stars merged with household items.

10. Art BATH-unkle

9. Jack Black-BIN LINER

8. Brad-IATOR Pitt

7. Alanis Morris-SETTEE

6. WINDOW SILL-vester Stallone

5. CONTINENTAL QUILT-in Tarrantino

4. BATH MAT Damon

3. Raquel Welch-DRESSER

2. Orlando BROOM

1. Danny TUMBLE Dyer

We are launching a campaign to save The North School farm from being turned into 25 homes and need your help. I'll be telling you more tomorrow because I'm off to the school to delve deeper. But in the meantime, if you want to lodge your complaints or concerns, then go to the council's web-site www.ashford.gov.uk/planningapps

Tomorrow morning I'll be playing my '6 tenuous degrees of separation' game that proved so popular last Wednesday, I didn't quite finish off the full circle, because Kirstyn didn't agree with the game, so I'll start it earlier and we will hopefully get to the end before she gets here. I'm going to start where we finished and that was with Jenny from the block. Jenny Chessman is married to Phil and her maiden name was Merle and she lives in Orchard Heights but previously from Stanhope and Phil works for Network Rail. If you have any tenuous connection to these people, then get in touch tomorrow on 01233 610761 or text 81800 and start your message with kmfm.

Monday, January 9

I hope I find you safe and well after the horrendous weather conditions that we suffered over the weekend. Saturday was particularly frightful and the roads came to a virtual stand-still. I managed to get into work on Saturday morning to do the breakfast show in the stead of Finny. I got caught out a little bit because I was baby-sitting my daughter Maisy and her best friend Daisy. As it happens, it worked out quite well because they came into work to help me out and what a sterling job they did. But it must be a girl thing, because I could hardly get a word in edgeways. Seriously though, they were brilliant and helped me out immensely.

A couple of highlights of today's show were that I finally got round to bringing in my Stanhope calendar to proudly hang in the studio. Oh how Kirstyn chortled when she saw the pictures.

The other big moment of the day, was that ITN popped into the studio to film us, what a laugh! They've been filming little insert pieces about the atrocious weather conditions we've been suffering. Our role was to give a "local radio station update" of the school closures and traffic reports. Firstly they had us in situ just doing our thing and having a bit of banter. But then the director said he needed to do a 'pick-up' of Kirstyn doing her opening link. You know the kind of thing "Good morning, this is kmfm. My name's Kirstyn, his name is Webbo and coming up on today's show - blah, blah, blah." She couldn't quite pull it off the first time, or indeed the second time but we got there eventually, thankfully. So if you keep an eye out, we might be on ITN this lunchtime, if not certainly in the evening and most definitely News at Ten, so keep 'em peeled.

Friday, January 8

For an update on the show, read yesterday's column. I'm just joking of course; well, half joking because today's was more of the same basically. If anything, it was even busier as the snow was relentless. Last nights downpour had frozen and another five or six layers on top of that caused chaos. Having said that, getting in towards London was a walk in the park comparatively speaking and getting down to the coast was a breeze also.

Schools seemed to be closing by the minute and I hope we managed to get you the info before you had a wasted journey, but don't blame us if you did get caught out, we can only give you the information when we get it. Congratulations to all the schools that did manage to get theirs open and to all of you that managed to defeat the conditions and get to work. You may have been a tad late, but nobody's going to hold that against you. Well I won't anyway.

Kirstyn will of course be braving the weather to deliver her excellent Essential Eighties show tonight from 7 and I will be here tomorrow morning, on my own, yes you heard me right, on my own. Finny won't be able to make it, so I'm standing in for him and can hardly contain my excitement. Not exactly sure if I'll get through a whole four hours completely unscathed, but that might make it worth listening to even more than ever. I of course will be relying on you all quite heavily for all the relevant travel updates as well as a gig guide for tomorrow nights entertainment in 'the gated community'. Plus a little bit of fun in between, hopefully, at least we won't have school closures to keep banging on about.

So have a great weekend whatever you're up to and do please give me your loyal support tomorrow morning.

Thursday, January 7

I've got absolutely nothing whatsoever to tell you about this morning's show. We basically spent the entire four hours giving out school closures and traffic reports as well as getting the music out there of course. That downpour we had yesterday evening froze overnight and the roads were a flipping nightmare. It is where we come into our own as a local radio station and nobody can beat us when it comes to current updates of traffic reports and schools closing.

Looks like more of the same tomorrow, so stay tuned from 6 in the morning and we will keep you in the picture. Thanks for all of your help, by letting us know what's happening; we really couldn't do it without you. Stay safe and warm and I'll be here for you in the morning.

Wednesday, January 6

I'm not sure if I was pleased or disappointed when I woke up this morning. I think we all went to bed last night (separately of course) expecting to be snowed in when we woke up, but it was quite an anti-climax. Just a fluttering of fluffy snow laid and since then we've only had slight flurries. So, to recap, we had flutterings, fluffiness and some flurries. The lack of snow meant I could fully concentrate on my brand spanking new game, which will now take over Wednesdays as it seemed to go so well.

The premise is pretty straightforward but to be honest with you, explaining it is tough, but here goes. There is a thing called 6 degrees of separation, which basically means that if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth. Are you following me?

So with that in mind, it began with me. Anybody who knows me, knew me, lived near me, worked with me, knew my Mum Dad or brother, however tenuous it might be, it didn't matter, which is why it's officially called '6 tenuous degrees of separation'. I was either going to fall flat on my face with this game or it would rock. The phone finally rang and it was a brilliant moment. His name was Graham Rumley and he knows my current next door neighbours, Mark and Becky. We have seen each other across the garden fence, but never properly been introduced, that will now be rectified of course.

Graham lives in Albert Road, which was the connection between Rosey the cab driver came in, his son Jamie lives in Albert Road with his wife Alison. Then Dave from the William Harvey car park rang to say that Alison was his niece, the daughter of his brother Peter Gibson (are you following me). Then Jenny from the block rang, maiden name Merle and married name Chessman to say her husband Phil works with Pete for Network South East. We were one step away from finishing the circle, when Kirstyn turned up and called an end to it, boooo. Never mind, I'll get there next time.

Tuesday, January 5

I'll be absolutely honest with you, doing the game that I do between 6 and 7 before Kirstyn gets here, is getting harder and harder. As you know, I've been merging pop songs with every possible thing you can come up with. Then, when I ran out, I merged pop artists with everything possible as well. So, it's all drying up creatively and I could really do with a hand, HELP!

I did however manage to come up with today's game after an inspirational moment involving Brad Pitt. I noticed in a glossy magazine picture that he had sweaty underarms and immediately thought of Brad 'arm' Pitt. And so it was born, film stars merged with body parts. Without further ado, here are the best (in my eyes) ten.

10. TOE-KNEE Curtis

9. ADAM-s apple Sandler

8. Gregory PECKS (also Cockney rhyming slang for neck)

7. BOT-TOM Cruise

6. Alex Bald-HEAD-win

5. Russell Crowe-s FEET

4. Meg RY-ARM

3. Charlie Chap-CHIN

2. Groucho Birth MARX

1. Sharon GAL-Stone

Other interesting snippets from today's show included me talking about the Stanhope calendar that my Mum got before Christmas. It's brilliant, but a) I'm not in on it and b) it should have been new AND old photos. The brightside was that it sparked off some great nostalgia, from the underpasses and the square on Stanhope, to the open air pool in Beaver Road, we do love a trip down memory lane. We then got into getting you to nominate your favourite neighbours, which was very successful. It also reminded us of when we used to get you to nominate 'local legends' and we revisited that for a while. On the downside, whilst trying to remember Toddy Beaney's name (the old horse and cart rag and bone man from South Ashford) I unfortunately referred to him as Sweeney Todd, which amused Kirst immensely and she hasn't let me forget it, still.

Monday, January 4

Ahh, that's better, all back to normal! A very Happy New Year to you all, I hope and trust that you over-indulged in absolutely everything, I know I did and am paying for it in abundance. So much so in fact, that I took myself off to town to buy an exercise bike to help combat the extra poundage that seems to have settled on my waistline. I believe these are referred to as 'love handles'. The main reason for this (apart from the lager) was that I was expecting ten people for Christmas Day but for one reason or another, the other family couldn't make it, so we've been eating like kings for the last week and a half. I must admit though, it wouldn't faze me if I didn't see another turkey for the rest of my life, well, perhaps until next year.

So it's the first Monday of the new year/decade as well as the first full week (I suppose that makes sense) which gives The Monday Morning Surgery even more credence, as you'd think that most of you would be definitely feeling a bit blue. But oh no, we're made of tougher stuff than that. In fact the main bulk of the calls that I got were about the date, which I inadvertently got wrong, I do apologise. Even Kirstyn Read rang in to tell me, and she doesn't normally get going til, well at least til we've come off air. Having said that, she'll always jump at the chance at pulling me up on an error.

Today was all about finding our feet really. We had a catch up on our own personal new year experiences, but generally let the music do the talking. One thing I do need to point out is that we have a great competition in play, right now. Ness and Rob, our daytime jocks, in association with Network South East, are giving you the chance to win four return tickets to London from Ashford International on the high speed train, plus 250 quid spending money to stick in your sky rocket. Ness is leaving on the train and Rob is driving, all you have to do is guess how much longer it will take in the car, because we all know that the train will get there first. So just text TRAIN VANNESSA then the time difference that you think it will take the car, ie: 73 MINUTES. Got it?

Tuesday, December 29

Me and my blog have decided to take a well earned break this week. I do hope you have had a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all.

I will be back online from Monday 4^th January 2010 and of course you can still hear Kirstyn and I every morning from 6am until 10am on 107.6.

Thursday, December 24

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid Ashford

At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade Tenterden

And in this world of plenty we should spread a smile of joy, so throw your arms around the world at Christmas time surrounding areas.

One more sleep everyone, fact. So without further ado, here is my official Christmas game special. We were mixing anything related to Christmas and pop artists.

10. SNOW-man PATROL

9. The QUEEN speech

8 PREFAB brussel SPROUT

7. LADY Ga Ga-RLAND

6. The 3 Wise MEN AT WORK

5. FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLY and the ivy-WOOD

4. Gold, Frankincense and FREDDIE myrrh-CURY

3. SLEIGH-d

2. AMY mulled WINEHOUSE

1. Rudolph the SIMPLY RED nose reindeer.

Thanks for all of our Christmas wishes, the phones were off the hook and for a change, it wasn't about the weather or traffic, which was a welcome relief I have to admit.

Kirstyn and I exchanged gifts, which has become a bit of a tradition on the Eve. I got her a Lady Ga Ga album, which she ruined by guessing what it was and I also got her a calendar with Staffordshire Bull Terriers on, I knew that was a safe bet. I in turn got a T-Shirt with my all time matinee hero Steve McQueen on it, next to the words Life is Racing, everything else is just waiting in racing green.

It just leaves me to thank you all whole-heartedly for choosing to listen to us and wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I truly hope that you enjoy the holidays and get everything you deserve. Kirstyn is back tomorrow for her Christmas Day Special of Essential Eighties and we will both be back on Tuesday to guide you through to the New Year.

Ding-Dong merrily on high everyone.

Wednesday, December 23

It’s Christmas Eve EVE everyone, two more sleeps and we are well and truly there, what a laugh!

More treacherous than ever the driving conditions today and your phone calls to us made it so much easier to deal with. The false sense of security that the drizzly rain brought caused problems for everyone as none of us were expecting the black ice to be as lethal. On top of everything else, the blooming trains came to a juddering halt, yet again.

My top ten game this morning was merging together films and pop artists and here are my favourites.

10. THE MADNESS of King George

9. GREEN DAY’s of thunder

8. Withnail and I-SLEY BROTHERS

7. THE KING-S OF LEON and I.

6. Calendar GIRLS ALOUD

5. UB40 year old virgin

4. The WIZZARD of Oz

3. Sliding DOORS

2. Meet Joe Black EYED PEAS

1. SANDY SHAW-shank redemption

So almost as soon as Kirstyn gets here this morning, it’s time for me to jog on, it shouldn’t have been really, but she was late again. I was off to the Ashford Cattle Market on the Orbital Park to do some live links and interviews with some stallholders and punters. Honestly, it’s such a technical operation, I haven’t got a flipping clue how it all works. Fortunately, I had somebody with me who did know how to work it and hopefully it all went well for everyone concerned and didn’t sound too bad to boot (fair). I did feel a bit sorry for Ray the organiser, a lovely bloke, because a lot of the traders couldn’t literally get there, which also goes for the punters. But having said that, it was a very good turnout under the circumstances.

Stand by for Christmas Eve everybody, the waiting, spending, stressing and headaches will all soon be over and done with. Try to join me as early as possible and you will be able to play my specially adapted ‘Christmas Game’.

 

Tuesday, December 22

I know I keep doing the sleep thing, but I won't apologise, because it excites me, so here we go 3 MORE SLEEPS UNTIL THE BIG MAN INVADES OUR CHIMNEYS, wahoo. The opening of my Wake up with Webbo hour had a 'ten to two' feel about it today. It went something like this:

Zoom, just one look and then my heart went boom, Ashford:

Suddenly and we were on the moon, Tenterden:

Flying high on a neon sky, surrounding areas:

I brought a new game to the party today and caught you all a bit cold in fairness. I gave you a sentence and asked you to guess the game I was going to play, it was tough, and the clue went as thus:

YESTERDAY, I needed some HELP with the START of my new game, to save me from EMBARRASSMENT. A few of you got the song titles bit, but not my idea which was a bit 'out of the box'. Basically, it was song titles with only one word in them and you gave me plenty more, thank you.

Flipping heck, what is it about this country that we can't deal with a bit of bad weather; will we ever learn our lessons? We had plenty of warning after all! If you are going out today, please be careful as the pavements in particularly are very hazardous, I was watching out of the window and it was like Bambi in Ice out there.

I enlightened Kirstyn on my unfortunate incident in the pub the other night, which amused me greatly. I was with a few of the boys, who were taking the micky out of me about people calling me Webbo, because they still refer to me with my football nickname which is Dobber. Anyway, I spotted another person in the pub who saw me, waved and started to walk towards me. I told my 'mates' that I was just about to be called Webbo again and not to be so disrespectful. "Hello mate" I said politely. He responded with "Hello Dave". My 'mates' thought this was one of the funniest things they had ever witnessed for some reason, a proper Only Fools and Horses moment.

Monday, December 21

Ooops. Slightly over cooked it this morning and didn't get in til just after the news, I do apologise. The reason for my tardiness was that yesterday was the kmfm Do They Know its Christmas Yet? party. Thank you to each and every one of you that helped make the day so special. To all of the contributors that made the raffle a raffle to end all raffles, the helpers on the day and all of you that donated your hard-earned cash. I will of course keep you informed as to how much cash was raised for the two beneficiaries, namely The Salvation Army and Help the Heroes respectively.

The weather was bitter, but spirits were high and luckily we had sanctuary in the warmth of Utopia, our hosts for the day. Steve and his staff were brilliant all day as well as the legend that is Matthew Ball of Ball Contractors, his efforts were above and beyond the call of duty and his D.J.ing skills in the evening were exemplary. Ben Watson also deserves a mention for doing an hour set, using the old fashioned vinyl method, unbelievable; I've not danced as much in years. The local sporting legends turned up mainly on time, well Jamie Staff and Barry Fuller did anyway. Razor Ruddock did his normal leave it til the last minute routine, but he got there and that's the important thing.

So obviously the overnight snow took its toll on travel, which dominated the show. Once again, thanks to all of you for calling in so we could inform our listeners, it's what makes local radio special, nobody else can be as detailed when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Friday, December 18

Let's just call today's show Snow Patrol.

I looked out of the window at 4.30 am this morning and there was barely a covering of snow, by the time I got to work at 5.30 it was a blizzard. That basically took over the show, because the roads were a nightmare. I hope you got to where you had to be safely, so as there was nothing to report; I might as well tell you about yesterday's kmfm senior citizens Christmas party. I had a whale of a time and I think all 110 of you that turned up did also. I'd like to give all of the people that helped a name check, so stand by. Alison, Frasier, Stewart, Karen, Kirstyn. To Val Webb for organizing the raffle and prizes and to our entertainers Ricky Fontaine, Alan Peach, The Clover Sisters and Ellie Fiore. And the Back stage helpers that got the food out to all tables still piping hot; Ann-marie Kelly, Denise Peach, Bridget Ironman, Irene Andrew, Julie Baldwin, Jill Fuggle, Chloe Peach, Annie McDonald, Ben Peach, Des Bacon, Tim Warren. To John Howland for sponsoring the event and of course the stars of the show Ernie and Sue Warren, it literally wouldn't happen without them.

I apologies up front for the up-coming plug, but I do want as many of you as possible to join in. So, please do come to Utopia on Sunday for the Do They Know it's Christma Yet party from 3 til 6, we're going to party all day and then into the night with Webbo's Dusty's Years Disco, so make sure you're there.

Thursday, December 17

Wow, now that’s what you call a packed show. I’m only just catching my breath, plus I have to hurry because we’re off to the kmfm senior citizens’ Christmas party down at Sandyacres. 110 people will be there thanks to the brilliant Ernie and Sue who give everything for nothing. This year we’ve also been sponsored by our friend John Howlands from Swift Security so I can’t wait.

Today’s game was devised by Wellie, more by luck than judgment I hasten to add. It’s what pop artists you would find in your shed, and it all got a bit random to be honest with you, but here we go anyway.

10. Shania TWINE

9. Britney SHEARS

8. Vanilla VICE

7. PLAIN Paige

6. MEN AT WORK

5. Boomtown RAT-s POISON

4. Desmond DECK-er CHAIR

3. McFLY –MO

2. Maria Carey-ER BAG

You see what I mean about random? But it doesn’t beat Wellie who rang back to offer Mike and the Mechanics. When I questioned the relevance of a mechanic being in your shed, she responded with "my husband might be a mechanic" I asked if he was and she retorted with "actually, no he’s not, but he does have a friend called Mike". You couldn’t make it up.

It was Kentish Express review day and myself and Kirstyn were flying solo as our editor Robert Barman decided to have a day off. Still, I think we coped admirably. Kirst even managed to stir a hornet’s nest on the back of the front page story, honestly, she really does court controversy.

Then for the last part of the show I shot down to Wilko’s where we are holding the Cute Kids’ competition. Just pop down there yourselves with your toddlers that are under five and your registration form that you’ll find in the KE and away you go. It’s free to enter and no pressure to buy the pictures and you could win cash prizes of up to £1,000. It’s only on today and tomorrow though, between 10am and 4pm, so get your fingers out. I had a chat with Nigel the photographer and then little Paiche turned up with her Mum and Dad and looked absolutely stunning, bless her.

Another reminder about our Christmas party at Utopia on Sunday, from 3pm. Santa, Jamie Staff, Razor Ruddock and Gills captain Barry Fuller will now be joined by the Great Chart dancing bears, we’re truly honoured. And while I’m at it, don’t forget the evening will see me host our Dusty’s reunion party.

Wednesday, December 16

Oh my goodness me, how cold was it this morning and even now to be honest. It was that bitter that I thought we'd have a game of 'how blooming cold is it where you are?' Brad started the whole proceedings off, his car was telling him it was minus 6 degrees in Sissinghurst. Colin then rang in to say that when he left Broadstairs this morning (he'd stayed at his girlfriend's house, the dirty stop-out) it was minus two but when he got to Woodchurch, it had dipped to minus 7. Dave the cabbie reported temperatures of minus 6 in Singleton, but the winner is Brad who rang back to say that he was now round near Smarden Woods and it was minus blooming 8.

The game today was pop stars you might find in your garden, not literally you understand. It came about after hearing a song by Shed 7 last night, without further ado, here is your top ten.

10. Robert PLANT-s

9. PATTI-O LaBelle

8. STRAY CATS poo

7. Kate BUSH

6. EARTH, WIND & FIRE

5. S-L-UGGS

5. Vic LEAVES

4. Jimmy S-NAIL

3. Super-GRASS

2. WORM-ack & WORM-ack

1. RAKE Astley

We were blessed, honoured and privileged to welcome onto the show, our Festive Factor winners, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the victorious Willesborough Junior School (applause). At this stage I'd like to say commiserations to Furley Park, who came in at an honorable third, but there can only be one winner and we are SO pleased that it wasn't anyone from outside of the 'gated community'. So we had Mrs. Matthews and Miss Peters and two of the forty strong choir join us, namely Sara Georgie. Well done to each and every one of you that took part and I hope you enjoy the professional recording that is taking place tomorrow night, can't wait to hear the final edit.

Tuesday, December 15

Christmas songs a plenty, but not over the top. Two an hour I think should suffice, and only of the highest quality, so no room for The Beach Boys' We Three Kings of Orient.

Back to the game today and the inspiration behind this one, was listening to one of my favourite songs of all time, Ballroom Blitz by The Sweet. Forget the title, it's The Sweet bit that inspired me. So, we went for confectionery merged with pop artists.

10. SMARTIE Pellow

9. AERO-smith

8. Guns & ROSES

7. BLACK JACK Sabbath

6. Michael BUBLE GUM

5. PEAR-DROP Explodes

4. SPANGLE Ballet

3. Extra strong Prince

2. Gladys Knight and the SHERBERT DIPS

1. Bon BON Jovi

One of my most amusing moments this morning was once again at my friend and co-host's expense. Apparently the fast-speed train from Ashford to St. Pancras had broken down, but Kirst insisted on pronouncing it pancreas, as in the internal organ in the bowel area. She didn't take kindly to my raucous laughing and took to lobbing a pen in my general direction. I tried to explain that there wasn't an E in the spelling and to trust me that it really wasn't pronounced the way she was saying it but she was having absolutely none of it. As I sit in the office typing this blog she will not back down and has now started an office poll to prove me wrong. Not one person thus far has said it's pronounced that way, but she's refusing to budge, even though 15 people have told her otherwise. I've just laughed again at the craziness of the situation and a kmfm biro has just hit me in the side of the temple.

 Monday, December 14

What a weekend that was! Fliiping flaming flumsy, I'm blooming exhausted. Ok, where do I start, why not Friday after I left the office? Our dear friend Sarah 'Romney' Marshall popped down from her new abode in Brighton to bring some Christmas cheer with her lovely beaming smile. We shared some gossip as well as some wine and then packed her off to whence she came. Friday night was The Fox boys on tour night, not that we moved much. The Fox boys are my old Sunday morning football team who I played for, for twenty-eight consecutive years. One of the things we did back then was have a nickname committee because you couldn't play for us unless you had one. We were joined by an honorary Fox member, who did actually play for us just the once and that was Neil 'Razor' Ruddock who is back in town and ready to party.

I spent Saturday recovering from Friday and sulking about the West Ham result (by the way, thanks to everyone that rang in this morning to remind me), which was a welcome relief, because Sunday morning I was up with the lark as my son Charlie was playing for Gillingham under 14's in blooming Northampton, a couple and a half hours up the road. Fortunately it was a successful trip and we won 2-1. Back for a quick nap (it's an age thing) before I'm off for my veterans league cup final over at Pitchside on Stanhope. What a spectacle it was for the neutral observer, a thrilling 1-1 draw followed by a dramatic penalty shoot out that went in our favour. So Wrinkly Rovers (not my idea) were once again victorious against Rolvenden Vets and I poddled home from the pub celebrations proudly clutching the WINNERS' shield under my arm, but unfortunately tripped over an invisible lump in the road. Now I have two winners shields to covet, I'm sure a bit of super glue will sort it out.

Friday, December 11

Just in case you missed my opening link at 6 o'clock this morning, where the flipping heck were you, was I talking to myself for goodness sake? And I was so proud of my opening little ditty, so proud in fact that I thought I'd put it in print, so, this is how it went.

"Good morning miss, can I help you son-Ashford".

"Sixteen today and up for fun-Tenterden"

"I'm a big boy now or so they say, so if you serve, I'll be on my way-surrounding areas"

"Welcome to the KMFM House of Fun"

Can you see what I've done there?

Big thank you's all round to those of you who took part in my Friday morning phone-in. Got some great chats on air (and off) and it really wouldn't be a very good phone-in if none of you called me, so thanks again. My heart fills with joy when somebody rings in, like Bazza did, and poses a quandary that one of you out there can solve. Bazza, couldn't get hold of a decent Santa hat, so Dave from the William Harvey car park suggested that he pops into the Harvey reception and visit The League of Friends shop which do a wide and varied range, cheers Dave me old son. Also, your traffic reports are so important to us, because you are our eyes so we can be your ears. We've built up quite a big 'family' of traffic spotters, but could always do with more. Simply call the studio on 01233 610761 and we'll be there waiting for you with open arms, well ears really.

More thanks to Keith Montgomery and the darts team from The Windmill pub, who gave me another two hundred pounds on top of the two-fifty they had already given me, to go towards Rosie's wheelchair, sterling work lads. Whilst on that note, I'd like to say that I'm pleased that the guy who caused the accident and took two lives and ruined many others fessed up to what he did and pleaded guilty, sparing the family more pain. Let's hope that he gets the maximum sentence available!!!

If you have a cute kid under the age of 5 and you're in the borough of Ashford, then why not take them along to the back of Wilkinsons in Town and have a free photograph taken and you have the chance of winning cash prizes of a thousand pounds and get their picture in the Kentish Express, not bad for ten minutes work eh? If you need more details, then simply go into any newsagents and purchase a copy of this weeks Express for the ridiculously cheap seventy English pennies.

Have a phenomenal weekend and I'll see you all again bright and early Monday morning at 6 o'clock as we enter our last full week before Christmas.

Thursday, December 11

The season of goodwill is of course well and truly upon us, but you'd never think so would you, not if you listened to the show this morning anyway. I'm trying to get as much chat in as humanly possible in the first hour when I'm on my own. Because as soon as my 'friend' and colleague turns up, I might as well go for a kip. Today I was accused of singing over her as she spoke, talking over her and of just being pedantic in general and do you know what, perhaps I am, but I don't mean it, honestly.

The game today was pop artists with food in their names. I'll give you two lists today I think, the first being actual artists with food and then some of the 'out of the box' ones.

Meatloaf; Bread; Red Hot Chilli Peppers; The Soup Dragons; The Black Eyed Peas; Marmalade; The Jam; Hot Chocolate; Prefab Sprout.

Now for my faves:

10. Ma-DONNA KEBAB

9. STEAK DIANE-a Ross and the CHICKEN SUPREMES

8. SALMON and Garfunkle

7. The ARCTIC ROLL Monkeys

6. Iggy POP-CORN

5. John LEMON

4. Daryl Hall and John PORRIDGE OATS

3. Stock-POT Aitkin and WATER-MELON

2. PIZZA Andre

1. Fleetwood BIG MAC

Wednesday, December 9

We had a very interesting phone call from a regular caller called Norman. Norman sounds like a lovely man and one of his most endearing qualities is his politeness and the fact that he rings, without fail, every Friday, to thank us for the week’s worth of shows and bid us a good weekend. But this last phone call he made was far from it, he said that as it is the season of goodwill, that myself and Kirstyn should try to get along a bit better and cut back on the bickering. Easier said than done Norman, me old mate. But we took it with the spirit that it was intended and gave it a really good go. We managed to last a couple of hours before the cracks started to show and reverted back to what we know best, which is butting up against each other. Norman rang towards the end of the show to say that he actually preferred it when we were rowing. You just can’t win. Back to normal tomorrow then!

The game this morning was all to do with my mate having a Beverley Craven cd in his car when he picked me up yesterday. Honestly, you think you know someone and then they drop the bombshell that they are a Beverley Craven fan, not that there is anything wrong with Bev, don’t get me wrong, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I took the raven out of her name to give us today’s top 10 which was bird’s names in pop artists.

10. Kaja-CUCKOO

 9. VULTURE Club

 8. Roy WOOD-PECKER (Wizzard)

 7. U COCKA 2

 6. BUDGIE Holly

 5. 5 STAR-ling

 4. DiDO-DO

 3. Gladys NIGHT-ingale and the pips

 2. DUCK-tor ROOK (Dr Hook)

 1. Or-KESTREL Maneuvers in the Dark   

Tuesday, December 8

My first little game of the week involved pop artists with local places in their name and without further ado, here we go.

10. ASHFORD and Simpson

 9. TEN-terden-POLE TUDOR

 8. Mer-SHAM 69

 7. Cha-RINGO STARR

 6. THE Ham-STREETS

 5. The Beautiful SOUTH WILLESBOROUGH

 4. Amy BIDDENDEN Winehouse

 3. Ha-STING-liegh

 2. Motor-HEAD-CORN

 1. Olivia NEWTOWN-John

There was an interesting moment when it was suggested that Jamiriq-WYE would be a good one and Kirstyn for some very strange reason thought it was to do with;”The Bridge over the River Kwai”. Which as far as I’m concerned, isn’t actually in our surrounding areas, but hey-ho.

Apart from us falling out throughout the course of the morning, we did have an interesting conversation about our ‘driving annoyances’ and the phones lit up. So here is a list of all the things that wind us up most and our new names for said people.

Roundabout Foofers (people who don’t know what they’re doing on roundabouts)

Non-indicators (when they just turn off without letting us know)

Nose-traffic-pickers (People who shove their fingers up their hooters whilst stuck in traffic.)

Wrong lane users, particularly at roundabouts

Head on daydreamers (people who cross into your lane while altering their radio whilst driving straight at you)

Monday, December 5

That was the weekend to end all weekends for me. Still not really recovered from our kmfm Christmas party on Thursday, then it was Tenterden lights switch on, which was brilliant. Then to the Beaver Road Club, where there was a great turn out and amazing response. I think we were up to about 4 grand to go towards Rosie's wheelchair. Saturday off to West Ham (we'll leave that one there I think) and then off to West London where we overnighted in preparation for my nephew's son's christening.

My Monday Morning Surgery was opened again and thanks for your calls. Got to say the best was from Michael, who asked his girlfriend to marry him but before I could congratulate him, he said that she hadn't said yes, not yet anyway and do remember, at least she didn't say no.

Kirstyn is on form after her Hamstreet Light turn on and a late night in Brixton watching (more like stalking) the comedian Jimmy Carr. Except that is when she says the word multitude for some reason and then adds how the word sounds quite festive. What on earth is she banging on about, I question her on it and she adds that it's because it sounds a bit like Yuletide? You see what I have to deal with? This was the first pen of the day thrown at me.

The second row was when I disagreed about The X Factor, at least I think it was about that, to be honest it was just an ongoing row by this stage and they all merged into one.

Finally, we launched a Christmas tree appeal that we need to erect for our party at Utopia on the 20th. Of course you came up trumps yet again and now we are spoilt for choice. All we need now is some outside industrial type illuminations to hang on it.

Friday, December 4

Oh I wish it could be Christmas every day. I’m loving this time of year, the build up is always so much more exciting than the event for me. We’re slowly dribbling the music through without going into overkill like some lesser radio stations.

We had our Christmas party last night and what a messy event that turned into. Firstly though, I must say what a great meal we had at The Pheasant. Personally I went traditional; it is a Christmas ‘do’ after all. I don’t understand the people who go for fish or beef, what’s that all about? Well, I’ve got to tell you, Kirstyn made a bit of a scene, I reckon she had one sherry too many and started to photocopy certain parts of her anatomy, she’s shameless.

The first hour this morning simply flew past as I reintroduced my award winning ‘phone-in Friday’. I gave you the opportunity to air absolutely anything you wanted and you reacted in your two’s, perhaps I need to change my tack. The calls I did get were great though, so hi to Debbie Burden who’s off to see Cliff Castle, the Elvis impersonator, at The Croft Hotel and then tomorrow is heading into ‘that London’ for a trip to the famous Rock & Roll hotel. Honestly Debs, ‘that London’ place isn’t all it’s cracked up to be you know. There is so much going on down here, why would anyone feel the urge to leave the ‘gated community’. Also, hello to my old mate Spud, who basically rang in to find out where we’re meeting for our ‘Fox Boys’ Christmas drink, but it still counts as a phone-in call.

Kirstyn bowled up surprisingly not as late as I thought she might be, but still obviously suffering from her overdoing it. She even professes not to remember anything about the photocopier incident. Then says there wasn’t even one in the pub, actually come to think of it, of course there wasn’t, I must be getting a tad confused. Perhaps it was me that had one to many sherries and dreamt up the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, got to finish here unfortunately, got to get home for a kip before the rush begins. Kirstyn and myself are over at East Stour School for their Christmas bazaar.

Then we’re picking up our own kids. Kirstyn will then be here from 7 on the Essential Eighties, while I’m turning on the Tenterden Christmas lights and then down to the Beaver Road Working Men’s Club for the auction to raise money for little Rosie.

Have a wonderful weekend and don’t forget, only 21 days to go and three shopping weekends and we’re there.

Thursday, December 3

I was so excited coming into work this morning, but then again, I always am. The reason for my extra excitement was because it was the first chance we had to stick on some Christmas music, wahoo. I got to play my favourite as well, Wizzard, get in there.

I opened the show today with a homage to Whitney Houston, it went rather like this; I believe the children are our future Ashford, Teach them well and let them lead the way Tenterden, And show them all the beauty they possess inside surrounding areas. It also gave me the idea for the game as Houston of course is a place in the USA, so I asked you to come up with pop artists with places in their names, here is my top 10

10. David ESSEX

9. JORDAN Sparks

8. John DENVER

7. Michael BOLTON

6. ARGENTINA Turner

5. Manfred MAN-CHESTER

4. The Beautiful SOUTH-END

3. HERNE BAY City Rollers

2. Miley CY-P-RUS

1. The United States of A-MIKA

The other reason I’m SO excited, is because myself and my friends from Utopia and Ball Contractors have finally booked up our kmfm Christmas party. Stick this date in your diary, Sunday December 20. It’s called DO THEY KNOW ITS CHRISTMAS – YET? Loads of entertainment, I will be revealing more tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 2

Second Advent calendar window is now officially open. And, to add to the excitement of the time of year, tomorrow we start our Christmas songs. Don't panic, it's not going to be every record, rest assured.

Really enjoyed today's game and it's given me the opportunity to be able to do my 'top to toe' list of the human anatomy. The last time I did this it was song titles with human parts in them, this time its pop artists; here we go, from head to foot.

HAIR-cut 100

Talking HEADS

Small FACES

Black EYE-d Peas

The Stone NOSES

Britney Sp-EARS

LIP-ps Inc

Bryan ADAMS-APPLE

CHEST-KNEE (Chesney) Hawkes

BREAST-Liffe

BACKman Turner Overdrive

BELLY Joel

LIMB-arl (from Kajagoogoo)

ELBOW

H-ANDy Williams

Stiff little FINGERS

Jimmy NAIL

P-ELVIS Presley

The CHEEK-y Girls

BOT-Tom Jones

BUM-Town Rats

THIGH-mon and Garfunkle

KNEE-L Diamond

SH-in Deep

FEET-wood Mac

TOE-TOE CUELO

And her are a few internal organs to keep you going; BRAIN Ferry; Paul Mc-HEART-ney; New KID-NEYS on the Block; The Rolling GALL-Stones; David BOWEL-ie and my favourite internal organ artist Jimmy APPEND-rix.

Tuesday, December 1

It was just one of those mornings you know. Wasn't really keen on my game today, but I'd been working on it for a couple of hours and couldn't see the wood for the trees, as they say. I won't tell you what the game was, just in case I rehash it at some stage, but divine intervention took over and it turned it from water into wine. It was the last record before the news at 6.30 and the game about to begin, it was Taylor Dayne's Tell it to my Heart. I asked you to guess what game we were playing and the difference this time, was it was to do with the artiste. I have to say, Gillian's guess, although incorrect, was brilliant. She said was it to do with dogs, Dayne? As in Great Dane, flipping genius, but wrong. It was actually professions and or job titles merged with pop artists. I was really struggling after I'd got The Police, but I didn't need to worry, here are your top 10.

10. DOCTOR and the MEDICS (Cheryl)

9. The CARPENTERS (Dave)

8. The QUEEN (Len)

7. Lady Ga GaRDENER (Brad)

6. Spandau BALLET DANCER (Jenny)

5. Earth Wind and FIREMAN (Dave from Biffa)

4. Cheryl Cole-MAN (Dave, again)

3. BARBER Striesand (Mark)

2. Savage GARDENER (Val)

1. Michael STEEPLE-JACK-son (Jenny from le Block)

Don't forget to add your vote to our wonderful schools that have got through to the final 10 of The Festive Factor, we need your vote badly as some school from Folkestone are out in front as we speak. Come on, we can't have that now can we? So go to the kmfm website, click on The Festive Factor on the right hand side, find Furley Park School or Willesborough Junior School and click on one or the other. The winner, by the way, gets to have the CD professionally edited and gets played on Christmas Day, what a laugh!

Monday, November 30

Where have you lot been, I've missed you SO much, I'm starting to loathe the weekends as I don't get to go on air, or write my blog, I basically spend the entire 2 days twiddling my thumbs waiting for 6 0'clock Monday morning. Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but only to make my point. I went to the mighty Hammers on Saturday to watch my team almost throw away a 5-goal lead, we do like to make it interesting. Then Sunday I drove all the way to Southend to see my boy play for Gillingham under 14's, only for the game to be called off just as we got there, what a mare. Then last night it was some 'old man football' down at Pitchside on Stanhope, so quite a busy one really.

Kirstyn was just as busy in her own way, helping out at Godington Primary School at their Christmas Fayre, then doing a pub shift that night and then Mum stuff all Sunday.

We had to chortle when Redders' mince pie eating game at the Herne Bay Christmas light turn on nearly ended in a) disaster and b) the Heimlich maneuver. Still, I think I'm going to give it a go at the Tenterden Christmas light switch on, this Friday from 5 at the Town Hall. Kirstyn informed us that she has always been a fast eater and even used to practice swallowing big lumps to train her throat into stretching, bizarre.

Incidentally, there is an advert going out at the moment promoting the switch on that makes it sound like I'm now the Mayor of Ashford, which as far as I'm aware, I'm not. Give it a listen, is very amusing.

So after I've done the lights I'm hot footing it down to The Beaver Road Club, in Beaver Road, to host an auction which is raising money for Rosie, who was very badly injured a few weeks ago. The monies raised will go towards buying a special wheelchair that she desperately needs. I hope you get down there and spend generously. Here are just a few of the many lots that will be auctioned; Air Balloon flight; Ladies Watch; Perfume; Driving Lessons; A Christmas Tree; The cast of Coronation Street signed memorabilia; same with EastEnders; Signed Arsenal football and certificate and many many many more. The highlight for me though has to be a West Ham shirt (framed) & photo of Sir Trevor Brooking scoring the winning goal in the 1980 FA Cup Final, brilliant.

Friday, November 27

It's nice to rest the old 'top 10' game every now and again. But then you also have to come up with something to take its place. I thought I achieved that quite nicely on Monday with my 'Monday morning surgery' phone-in. It got a great response and the Wake up with Webbo hour simply flew by. Unfortunately, the Friday Fone-Up™ didn't quite pan out as I'd like but perhaps I'm being too pernickety. Having said that, I'd like to thank Nick Wellington for his traffic up-date, Keith and Charlie for sharing their fishing story with me, Pat Barham for keeping me talking so long I forgot to press the appropriate button, Dave from the William Harvey Hospital car park for his Christmas tree update, Barry for his M20 report and what a beautiful sunrise it was he informs me and hello to you too Debbie Burden, for allowing me to take the micky out of your friend Justine via my mega-phone, as she reached the milestone age that is 40, all down hill from here my love.

Other interesting phone calls included one from Mandy, who we tried to contact yesterday. She told us that she couldn't answer the phone because she was too busy watching her husband have a vasectomy, and sounds like she thoroughly enjoyed it, what a wicked lady. I've been on the other side of the scalpel and let me tell you, it's not much fun! He'll be sitting on a rubber ring for the next week or so I reckon, I was black and blue. And the other thing is, the local anesthetic is very very local.

The other call that made us laugh was from a lady called Gill Noble. Basically she completely dialed the wrong number and was completely befuddled when she found out who we were. Still, it didn't stop us from having a right old catch up and I feel as if we're jolly good friends now.

So that's about it from me my friends, myself and Kirstyn will now disappear into the sunset. But you know what they say, if you don't leave, you can't come back. Of course you can hear my lovely colleague on her award winning Essential Eighties show tonight from 7 and you can also see her in the flesh at the Godington School Christmas Fayre from 11 until 2. As for me, I'm off to watch The Hammers tomorrow, watching my son play on Sunday morning and then playing myself in the evening, football eh, I can't get enough of it.

See you bright and early on Monday morning, my surgery opens from 6, have a fantastic weekend, don't do anything I wouldn't do (which isn't much really) and remember.. no, its gone.

Thursday, November 26

Oh blimey, sorry everyone, the phones went down on me first thing which I hate because it is my preferred option when it comes to communication. It will be up and running by tomorrow though, so let’s make hay while the sun shines and I’ll be taking your calls on everything. It’s another new item called ‘Phone in Friday’, it does what it says on the can.

I opened the show this morning thus; Of all the bars in all the Towns in all the world, you had to walk into mine, Ashford.

‘Tis a far far better thing that I do now, than I have ever done, Tenterden

And Life is like a box chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get, surrounding areas. A bar of kmfm chocolate was up for grabs if you could name what films they were from. Congratulations to Steve from Singleton for correctly going for Casablanca, A Tale of Two Cities and Forrest Gump.

It was very ‘filmic themed’ today and my song title game was fitting in a film title into said song. So here are some of my faves.

Luther Vandoss - Dance With My GOD-Father

Pavorottii - One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest-ON DORMA

George Harrison - My Sweet Lord-OF THE RINGS

The Weather Girls - It’s Raining Men-IN BLACK

A Carol - Raiders of the Lost Ark-THE HERALD ANGELS SING

The Eurythmics - Here Comes the Rain-MAN Again

Vannessa Paradis - Joe le Taxi-DRIVER

Blur - JURRASSIC PARK-Life

WHAM - FIGHT CLUB-Tropicana

David Essex - We’re Gona Make You a Star-WARS

Baha Men - Who Let the RESERVOIR-Dogs out

Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence-OF THE LAMBS

Diana Ross - Ain’t No BROKEBACK-Mountain High Enough

The Police - Don’t Stand So Close-ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3^RD KIND-to me

 

Wednesday, November 25

It's amazing what a song can inspire, it truly is. The second tune of the day was an absolute Dusty's classic from Kool and the Gang entitled Get Down on It, an absolute classic and features very high on the music agenda of the soundtrack of my life. It completely encapsulates the time for me, that and Oops Upside Your Head of course. Well that opened the floodgates and for the next hour we all made our merry way along Memory Lane, pausing only briefly for reflection and then indulging ourselves in a touch of reminiscing, it was a beautiful thing. It went from Dusty's to Cales, Flatfoot Sam's, The Jolly Miller and The Star (ran by Reg and Glad). Wilko rang in with memories of Dairy Tops on Henwood, I think nearly everyone I know worked there at one time or another. Phillip wanted to chat about the old cinema, or fleapit, which is where Homebase is. Gary reminded us that the now bowling alley stands where the bus station was when he was on the buses. Dave got into The Trumpeter pub and how it used to be The Somerset Arms and is now Domino Pizza. Sarah the Carer, as she will now be known, was an Invicta pub girl as well as The South Eastern Tavern when Donna and Graham had it. And lastly, Gill met her 'still bestest friend' 24 years ago in The Zodiac and they will celebrate their silver jubilee next month, aahhhh!

I am desperate to find my Maisy a Sponge-Bob Squarepants advent calendar and bless Millie for texting in to inform me that I could pick one up from Poundland. When I enquired with Kirstyn how much they were, she said she didn't know. I then informed her that they are on sale in POUNDLAND, but it still took time for the penny to drop.

So the competition at Wise-Guys hair salon continued and has proved to be very popular, with a prize of a haircut, products and cruise and dine voucher. Because of the name of the place, we have been giving movie quotes from 'gangster' type films and you have to guess the film, simple.

Today's quote was a classic. 'And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance on thee'. It was the incredible Samuel L. Jackson in the phenomenal Pulp Fiction. Another chance to win tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 24

So, the phone rings at 5am this morning, its ok because I'm already up, but the phone going that early freaked me out a bit, bad news surely, I thought. It was Redders who works next door to our studio and he informed me that the computers had failed, which meant that we would have to play out all the music manually. Oh no, I've only just got used to the system and now they throw this at me. It's alright I thought, no need to panic, I'll simply take in my own little record collection and we'll sail through the morning. Worse things happen at sea and all that and basically 'that's life', so what better way to kick off than with Old Blue Eyes himself, Francis Albert Sinatra and That's Life, of course. I had a whale of a time squeezing in some of my favourite tunes and knew full well that this would also excite Kirstyn a lot and was correct as she turned up with an overnight bag full of CDs.

Just to fill in the gaps, I thought of a game that could go on forever if need be, song titles with American States in them. We have 50 to choose from (although I thought it was 52, doh), so here are just a few.

I left my heart in SAN FRANCISCO

NEW YORK NEW YORK

CHICAGO

Viva LAS VEGAS

MASSACHUSETTES

The streets of PHILADELPHIA

Hotel CALIFORNIA

Sweet home ALABAMA

Walking in MEMPHIS

Midnight train to GEORGIA

Kirstyn regaled us with her 'rabbit' story. Basically she came across a little bunny in the road and stopped to give a helping hand. Unfortunately she was too late and then proceeded to show me the face it made just before its final breathe. This is when I got a fit of the giggles, not because of the story, but because of the extraordinary face she pulled as she tried to explain. I do apologies for my inappropriate laughing, but you'd understand if you saw Kirst's gurning.

Finally, I bumped into Pat Breen and his wife Julie yesterday and he told me how he thought he had contracted Swine Flu, but it turns out it was actually Gammon Flu. By all accounts, the doctor had cured him.

Monday, November 23

As it's a Monday morning and the weekend, weather-wise, was absolutely appalling, I thought that there might be a few of you out there that needed some cheering up. Sometimes (you may have noticed) I just like to talk things through, get it out there and relieve the tension. So I decided to open up the Monday Morning Surgery instead of the game today. I must admit, I was a bit worried, because without you joining in, it would have been rubbish. A phone-in without phone calls just doesn't work, trust me, it's dull. But there was no need to panic, you rang in your droves and none of you had a moan or a groan in sight, you really are a happy bunch. I reckon that's because we live in the best place in the world.

First we had Val from Tenterden call to say what a great time she had on Saturday in town. And her journey home on the bus was made even more enjoyable by the happiest bus conductor in the world who as well as doing his job efficiently, also took it upon himself to entertain the whole bus, bless him.

Michelle rang in, very excited, because she had just finished her marathon 12 hour shift at Premier Foods and was heading off home to bed, happy as Larry.

Brad called in as he spent all weekend preparing for his wedding to Amanda. Got his suit and son Jack's (the ring bearer) sorted, then took the Mrs-To-Be, off to buy her dress, don't worry he didn't see it, and then bought the rings, job done.

Finally, another happy caller in the shape of Gazza the manager of Great Chart under 9s footy club whose team beat Hawkinge 2-0, top man.

We had a chat about my night comparing at the Ashford International Hotel for the Ashford Boxing Club's exhibition and what a great night it was. Congratulations to everyone involved in it, it was a full house and didn't hear a bad word. Well done to the coaches Jamie, Den, Bob and Andy. Congratulations to all the boys who boxed and did themselves proud. To my old mate Gary Moore who did the music and lighting splendidly and last but not least Nick Bashford who basically arranged the whole kit and caboodle and did a remarkable job, also to his beautiful wife (to be) Julie for putting up with his comings and goings for the last three months. Top night!

And finally, Kirstyn has worn her wellies in to work today, for no apparent reason really, just thought it was worth a mention. In fairness, it's a good look.

Friday, November 20

Blimey, the old belt thing from yesterday is still rumbling on, proper cat amongst the pigeons stuff I can tell you.

I innocently make reference to 'who do you think would be most unpopular, Katie Price turning up at a Peter Andre concert, or Thierry Henry turning up for St. Patricks Day in Dublin'. Well, Kirstyn threw herself into this one. I was worried that at the moment the emotions are running so high with our Irish friends after their team being eliminated from the World Cup play offs after a controversial decision to allow a goal to stand after the aforementioned Mr. Henry handling the football in the build up to the goal. Kirst dismissed this with her normal 'It's only a game' attitude, and I waited with bated breath for the phones to light up. It didn't go as crazy as I thought it may, and think she got away with it. In fairness though, her point about how there are a lot more serious issues going on in the world at the moment does stand up, but for the Irish supporters, I'm not sure if that will cut the mustard at this moment in time.

I'm off to pick up my 'penguin suit' for tomorrow night's Ashford Boxing Clubs fight night at the International Hotel where I will be introducing the bouts. I'm a tad nervous about it all, but at the same time very excited. Just can't wait to say 'let's get ready to RUUUUUUU-MMMMMMMMMM-BLLLLLLLLLE'

With the weather behaving like it is at the moment, the only way forward for today's game was weather conditions in song titles, here's the top 10.

10. Blowing in the WIND (Bob Dylan)

9. CLOUD-y Number 9 (Bryan Adams)

8. FOG on the Tyne (Gazza and Lindisfarme)

7. Mr. BLUE SKY (ELO)

6. Let it SNOW (Dean Martin)

5. Blinded by the LIGHT-ening (Manfred Man)

4. TH-under The Moon of Love (Showaddywaddy)

3. The SUN and the RAIN (Madness)

2. Michael HURRI-CAINE (Madness)

1. In the TSUN-army now (Status Quo)

The other little brain-teaser today was a random film quotations game. They were 'I'm gona make them an offer they can't refuse.'

'The truth, you can't handle the truth' and 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damm'. Three of you got the two latter films, namely A Few Good Men and the 'Truth' quote was made by Jack Nicholson. The 'Frankly' quote was from Gone With The Wind, delivered by Clarke Gable and the one that eluded you, which I thought was the easiest, was Marlon Brando as Don Corleone in The Godfather

Thursday, November 19

You just never know which way the show is going to go or just what topic of conversation takes over your imagination and today was no different. We were simply talking about Rob (How Dooo's) Wills, our drivetime presenter, who has a competition running at the moment called The Belt of Fortune. Well, Kirstyn then starting harping on about belts and how she doesn't particularly care for them. Of course I obliged by joining in, it would be rude not to, and I explained how I am indeed a belt wearer, although I only have the one. The blooming phones lit up with people joining in, you are a quirky bunch, you really are! So the things we learnt were, that the majority of girls don't actually bother or care for belts. That they like to wear their frilly panties hitched above the waistline. Men don't seem to wear braces anymore and their pants should never be seen, although teenagers seem to think that it's a cool thing to do. For anymore belt tips, go to http://www.beltsareus.com/

We welcomed young Luke Hollands into the studio to discuss today's release of the mighty Kentish Express, which is unrivaled in its field and is a must buy for us locals, and at just 70 English pennies a bargain in anyone's eyes, it's also the only place you can read the award winning (ok, that bits artistic licence) Webbo's World. Anyway, he is sporting the most ridiculous piece of facial hair I have ever witnessed in my life. Having said that, it is to raise money for a very good cause, namely prostate cancer awareness, and click onto http://www.movember.com/ I thought I'd give Luke a little nickname and addressed him as Cool Hand, after one of my favorite films. Well, Kirstyn missed the point and then asked to feel Luke's hands. After rubbing them inappropriately for way too long, she then says, 'they're not cool; in fact they're really warm'. The atmosphere was electric; I broke the awkward silence by simply saying 'Come on you two, get a room'. On that note, Kirstyn threw a pen very forcibly in my general direction. Fortunately I was alert to what was happening and managed to duck underneath the flying object. The rest of the show was a bit awkward, but we managed to get through it without any blood being spilt and we're talking again now. Best to point out at this stage that Luke is too young for Kirstyn and he is also very happy in a relationship anyway, it was just my twisted sense of humour.

Wednesday, November 18

I don't know how it happened, but I'm very glad it did. After out little daily slot of chatting about I'm a Celeb we somehow got onto bosoms. Oh, I remember now, Gino has become slightly obsessed with the female members of the camp showing off their very shapely forms. This got Kirstyn onto announcing to the world that she would like to own a bigger pair, but then the phones lit up with ladies of the larger sized bosom bemoaning what a nightmare they can be. I must admit girls, I do feel for you having to carrying them around with you all day, I wouldn't want to do it and I'd look pretty stupid to boot.

Look, I'm not sure who's let it out of the bag, but it's not funny alright. I was trying to play down my birthday this time round and now all of a sudden everyone's talking about January 17, which is of course my birthday. As I've said before, JANUARY THE SEVENTEENTH falls on a SUNDAY next year so I won't even be working. If you were going to do anything for the aforementioned 17 of January, which of course I'd rather you didn't, then its best to do it on the Friday 15, although Monday 18 would suffice, but please don't. So lets not mention the 17th of January and my birthday any more.

Wasn't sure how this game would work, but we pulled it off. We did days and months in song titles. Here's the list

I Don't like MONDAYS (Boomtown Rats)

Ruby TUESDAY (The Stones)

Remember WHEN-sday (Showaddywaddy)

Mrs. THURSDAY (Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich)

FRIDAY I'm in Love (The Cure)

SATURDAY Night's Alright for Fighting (Elton)

SUNDAY Girl (Blondie)

JANUARY (Pilot)

January FEBRUARY (Barbara Dixon)

MARCH of the Mods (Joe Loss Band)

APRIL Showers (from the Bambi film)

Maggie MAY (Rod Stewart)

Hey JUNE (The Beatles)

Live and Let JU-LY (Wings)

Hot AUGUST Nights (Neil Diamond)

It Might as Well Rain Until SEPTEMBER (Bobby Vee)

OCTOBER Skies (Snow Patrol)

NOVEMBER Rain (Guns & Roses)

DECEMBER 63

Tuesday, November 17

It was a mutual appreciation society morning today. We were asked to give a big shout out to all the carers in our area which of course we obliged because we think you are all great (Malcolm on the other hand took umbrage to this, thinking that we were only bigging up lady carers, but we are aware that there are some great male carers as well Malc). Then we were asked to big up the Personal Assistants of the 'gated community' who help out, then the nurses called then the taxi drivers and on it went. Look, at the end of the day, we love you all.

We touched on that horrible story in the tabloids about the mother from Lancashire who left her four children, oldest 4, youngest 3 months, on their own for 24 hours whilst she went out and partied. I actually can't find the words, certainly not printable ones, to describe what I think.

Of course we had our I'm a Celebrity update. If you don't care for the programme I do apologies for the rant, but it is one of the most popular shows on TV and so we feel obliged to mention it.

The 'wicked witch of the west' (aka Katie Price, aka Jordan) bowled up looking faker than ever and was subjected to a quick trial to endear herself to her fellow campers, not sure if it worked though. Then she got the public vote to do the next trial. I just hope she doesn't end up doing all of them, because she'll become a martyr and everyone will start to feel sorry for her. TEAM ANDRE all the way for us.

This morning's kmfm bar of chocolate will be winging its way to Len from Hamstreet who guessed the game we were playing with the clue, Barbara-Ann from the Beach Boys. If you delve in you can hear Barber in there. So it was job titles in song titles.

10. Mr. Postman (The Carpenters)

9. Police-man and Thieves (Junior Mervin)

8. Son of a Preacher-man (Dusty Springfield)

7. The Camera-man Never Lies (Bucks Bizz)

6. Private Dancer (Tina Turner)

5. Rock DJ (Robbie)

4. Night Nurse (Maxi Priest)

3. Come on Baby Light my Fire-man (The Doors)

2. Buffalo Soldier (Bob Marley)

1. Another Brick-layer in the Wall (Pink Floyd)

Monday, November 16

Weather wise, the weekend was a complete wash-out, but I do hope that it didn't completely ruin it for you. Personally I quite like having a lock in, it gives you a chance to watch loads of TV and DVD's AND SPORT. So, this was Saturday for me. To make the plan work, it was very important the kids were organized, so my Charlie went over to his mate's house for the day and night, and I got a friend in for my Maisy, girls are so good at organising their own entertainment. Then it's get the beers in, organize a pizza, put my feet up and get on with it. England v Argentina rugby union was first on the menu, flicking over every now and again to check how the football scores were going. Then it was Brazil v England, shortly followed by Harry Hills TV Burp (surely the funniest programme on the goggle-box). In between this, checking out Strictly Come Dancing of course, how on earth did Phil Tuffnell get kicked out? Then we seamlessly slip into the X Factor. All the while, you could still hear the wind whistling outside and the rain lashing against the windows, but it really didn't matter.

Sunday was more pleasant, so it was time to come out of hibernation and get some fresh air. But not for too long, because it was Dr. Who at 7, X Factor results at 8, and the big one at 9, that's right, the return on I'm A Celebrity (how sad am I becoming, getting so excited by the TV, what's it coming to). Loving last nights show, and I like every single one of them thus far. But I've already started practicing ringing in to get Jordan doing all the challenges and then getting her out as soon as possible, we are all Team Andre in our office.

Talking of I'm A Celebrity, it was the game for this morning, putting things to do with the programme and song titles, it wasn't the greatest response, but it is Monday after all, so here is all I got.

Down Under (Men At Work)

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here Comes The Sun (The Beatles)

ANT & Dec MUSIC (Adam and the ANTS)

Every Which-IDY GRUB Way But Loose (from the film, sang by Eddie Rabbitt)

Crocodile Rock (Elton)

Mr Blue Sky-Dive (ELO)

And the winner by a country mile, was Andrea's offering; Nut-BUSHTUCKER TRIAL City Limits (Tina Turner)

Friday, November 13

For those of you with a nervous disposition, I suggest you sit tight today and don't venture out too far. What ever you do avoid walking under ladders and stepping on cracks in the pavements and don't forget to stroke any black cats that may cross your path. Because, it's Friday the 13^th, a day that fills many with horror, especially those of you who suffer with paraskevidatriaphobia, or the fear of Friday the 13^th if you like.

Was a tad tuckered out this morning as I was at the launch party of the new nightclub in Ashford, pleasantly named Glisten. It's the old N.V.'s basically, next door to The Kent Arms (or The Fat Fiddler). They're really having a go down there and I do hope it pays off for them. I was having so much fun that time simply slipped by and before I knew it, it was 2 o'clock in the am, way past my bed-time. It also seemed like a good idea to pop into me old mate Matty Ball's joint on the way home. That's Utopia by the way, thanks for your hospitality Matt and your business partner Steve.

Kirstyn always comes in on a Friday morning on a bit of a high, for two reasons really. Firstly, she knows she's dumping me for the weekend and gets to do her own show later, on her own. That's the Essential Eighties by the way, starts at 7 and plays the best music ever for the next three hours, give it a go why don't yer. Secondly, it was her favorite programme on last night, Crimewatch. I know, she really is a quirky character.

So because of today's date being so poignant and because I came in a bit tired, the game was a bit lazy on my behalf, I do apologise, but as it happens, it went very well. We did numbers in song titles, so here, quite literally, is the top 10.

10. 1 in TEN (UB40)

9. Cloud number NINE (Bryan Adams)

8. Devil G-EIGHT Drive (Suzi Quatro)

7. SEVEN Days (Craig David)

6. Summer of SIX-ty nine (Bryan Adams)

5. 9 to FIVE (Dolly Parton)

4. You Make It FOUR Real (James Morrison)

3. THREE Steps to Heaven (Showaddywaddy)

2. It Takes TWO (Marvin Gaye)

1. She's the ONE (Robbie)

I miss you already, have a blinder doing whatever it is you do and see you bright and early on Monday morning.

Thursday, November 12

The ‘The kmfm Senior Citizens' Christmas Party’ is now officially full. I’m so sorry if you have missed the boat, but the response has been nothing short of phenomenal. I must admit that I’m not surprised in the slightest because it really is a great day. Ernie and Sue Warren from Sandyacres are the host and hostess of this occasion and have been running it for the last couple of years. The meal and entertainment is all free and we can’t thank them enough for getting us involved, it really does start Christmas off for me. While I’m at it, thanks also to the entertainment for the day who all give up their time for nothing, as well as the kitchen staff and helpers, you are all brilliant.

We gave away a pair of Charlton Athletic FC tickets today for this weekend’s game against MK Dons. The lucky winner was fortunately a Charlton fan and he’s taking his Mrs. Who is also a fan, so that worked out well. I would have been a bit worried if they were MK Dons fans as they will be sitting in the Charlton end. We wouldn’t want them jumping up to celebrate at an inappropriate time. I love giving stuff away.

Also I revealed to Kirstyn that my plan for next year is to take the mobile disco I have out on the road again and re-brand it ‘Webbo’s Dusty’s Classics”. I think it’s a proper winner.

Ok, today’s top 10 was called ‘Lisa’s Game’ (my Mrs. actually, nice one love) and was all to do with items of clothing in song titles. Instead of a top 10 I’m going to do it from head to toe.

Wherever I Lay my HAT (Paul Young)

Shake Rattle and ROLL-NECK (Bill Haley)

CRAVAT out of Hell (Meatloaf)

JUMPER-ROUND (House of Pain)

Simply the VEST (Tina Turner)

BRA BRA Rasputin (Boney M)

Crocodile F-ROCK (Elton)

The BOXER-SHORTS (Simon & Garfunkel)

Our THONG (Elton)

Baggy TROUSERS (Madness)

Hold on TIGHT-s (ELO)

Your SOCKS is on fire (Kings of Leon)

Last TRAIN-ER to Clarkesville (The Monkees)    

Wednesday, November 11

If you didn’t already know, then today is of course Armistice Day, a day to remember our fallen heroes from past conflicts as well as current day which makes it all the more poignant. At 11 o’clock here at the studios we all showed our respect by falling silent and gathered our own private thoughts and I hope that most of you complied. As they say ‘Lest We Forget’, it’s a day to wear your poppy with pride.

It’s ironic that on a day when we remember so many brave people lost their lives, and let’s not forget those who survived and gained some horrific injuries, that two stories come to light of some absolute scumbags. Firstly, in Strood, it turns out that some lowlifes thought it would be ok to steal five thousand pounds worth of sweets that was raising money for The Kent Air Ambulance, a charity organization that saves peoples lives, it makes me sick. Then, all over the nationals, there is another couple of no-hopers, that also thought stealing poppy collection boxes was an alright thing to do. How can these people sleep at night knowing what they’ve done, it’s beyond belief?

On a lighter note, here is the top 10. it was song titles with instruments in them and it was Ian’s game today who gave me four attempts, which were GUITAR man by Elvis; My Old PIANO by Diana Ross; Mr. TAMBORINE Man by Bob Dylan.

10. Simply the BASS (Tina Turner)

 9. Little DRUM-mer Boy (David Bowie and Bing Crosbie)

 8. These FLUTES were made for walking (Nancy Sinatra)

 7. SQUEEZEBOX (The Who)

 6. VIOL-IN to the Valley (The Skids)

 5. It’s a Sin-BOL by The TRUM-PET Shop Boys

 4. With or Without U-KELELE (U2)

 3. C-ELLO (Lionel Ritchie)

 2. Don’t Go Breaking My HARP (Elton and Kiki)

 1. Your SAX Is On Fire (Kings of Leon)   

Tuesday, November 10

It’s all okay, Monday has gone and it’s full steam ahead to the weekend. Think it through logically, if as they say Thursday is the new Friday, then that must automatically mean that Wednesday is the new Thursday making Tuesday the new Wednesday, which means we’re halfway through the week already and tomorrow is actually Thursday which we all know is where the weekend starts as it’s the new Friday! I think that makes sense.

We were casually mentioning that local legend ‘Reggae Roy’ was doing his wheels of steel disco at The Albion on Friday on behalf of three young ladies climbing Kilimanjaro on behalf on The Marie Curie trust (bless them). Well Kirstyn questioned me on whether I remembered Reggae Roy from back in the day, which I said I did not. Then, Steve Kellam rang in to say that RR used to do the disco down the South Eastern Tavern many moons ago, but under a different name, so it turns out I do remember him. But what I do remember more than anything about then was another local legend family ‘The Wynters’. Because thay generally took over, Keith (or Dalkeith if you will) would always get up and do about four renditions of ‘Bubbling’.  Then once he had finished it was over to his younger brother Carlton (or Tonto as I call him) doing his Bob Marley bit, usually ‘Three Little Birds’. Then, completely away from the reggae theme, Archie and Ken the Wardorf and Statler of the pub (the two old men on the Muppets that used to moan all the time) used to do a rousing rendition of ‘Coney Island Wash-board’. They really were great days! I’m sorry to bore you with my personal trip down Memory Lane as there are only about 50 of you out there that will recall this.

We talked about our trip to East Stour School to help open their art exhibition and it was a lovely afternoon.

Also Kirstyn ducked under a little gag I chucked in. I said there were seven little men spotted walking down Hythe Road carrying shovels and spades, singing Hythe Road, Hythe Road, it’s off to work we go (sing it aloud and it sounds like Hi-ho, trust me). Never mind, I thought it was funny.

The top 10 today was fruit in song titles and it was called ‘Southend Charlie’s Game’ as he was the inventor. I have split it into top 5s, normal and outside the box.

Normal:

5. Blueberry Hill (Fats Domino)                                                            

4. Peaches (The Stranglers)

3. Banana Republic (Boomtown Rats)

2. Raspberry Beret (Prince)

1. Strawberry

Out The Box:

5. Clementine after Time (Cyndi Lauper)

4. Mr. Tangerine Man (The Birds)

3. Grape Balls of Fire (Jerry Lee Lewis)

2. You Raise-in me up (Westliffe)

1. Papaya Don’t Peach (Madonna)   

Monday, November 9

My deepest apologies and sincere condolences for the weekend going so ridiculously fast, we barely had time to enjoy it, but enjoy it we did. It looks as if we both squeezed in as much as possible and this if just a taster, if you’re interested.

Kirstyn Read off the radio spent her usual Friday night keeping you all entertained with her superb Essential Eighties show. The next morning she was up bright and breezy to continue her ongoing college course down at the marvelous Jemmet Road. We then overlapped into each others lives as we hosted an auction on behalf of The Salvation Army down at East Stour School. It was a great turn out, so thanks to each and every one of you for being there and sticking your hands deep into your pockets and raising well over a thousand quid. Then she was off to a firework/bbq at her friends. This all bodes very well as she turned up in a very good mood after an enjoyable weekend, mind you, it didn’t last long. We soon butted up against each other over The X Factor pantomime that is going on. We kind of agreed to disagree in the end, just to save all the shouting basically. In a nutshell, I think Simon has bottled it by a) going to the public vote two weeks on the trot and b) for slagging off Jedward for the last six weeks, but then not getting rid of them when he had the chance. And Kirstyn, well, how should I put it, mmm, what’s the diplomatic way, mmm, oh yes, I’ve got it, she didn’t agree.

In fairness, my weekend wasn’t half as interesting as Kirstyn’s so I won’t even bother to bore you with details, but roughly speaking, there was football and pubs involved quite heavily as well as family and firework stuff.

Ok, back to the first hour and today we played ‘Tina’s Game’ who is a lovely lady I met over the weekend. As I’ve said before, if you have an idea, just drop me a line. To start the game off, I gave you a clue to guess what the game was going to be. The clue was Elvis Costello’s ‘Good Year for the Roses’. Songs with confectionary was one guess and so was soap stars in songs (Goodyear, or Bet Lynch from Corrie). But that wasn’t quite right, it wasn’t as cryptic actually, it was all about gardening things in songs. So here is today’s top 10.

10. Our GREEN-House (Madness)

 9. FLOWERS in the Rain (The Move)

 8  It MOSS be Love (Madness)

 7. The Green Green GRASS of home (Tom Jones)

 6. Don’t B-RAKE my Heart (UB40)

 5. SHEARS in Heaven (Eric Clapton)

 4. SHED I Stay or Should I Go (The Clash)

 3. High HO-SE Silver Lining (Jeff Beck)

 2. Sowing the SEEDS of Love (Tears for Fears)

 1. TREE times a LADYBIRD

Friday, November 6

Thank kmfm it’s Friday, that’s almost a new catchphrase, right there. Ok, I know it’s similar to TFI Friday or TGI Friday, but there is definitely enough of a difference not to be sued, surely. Well, I’m going with it until somebody tells me differently.

Gave away another bar of kmfm chocolate this morning and the lucky winner today was Brad, who’s always rubbish at the game itself, but was hot on the phones to guess what game it was going to be.

More of his attempt, and I use the word attempt very loosely, later. The clue was pop artist and rapper Shaggy. The first caller actually was Chris, who thought it might be pop artists and haircuts and if indeed it was correct, he’d like to offer up Motley Crew-cut. Well it wasn’t right, but it could be a new game. It was pop artists and cartoon characters merged together and that is all thanks to Andrea, so I called it, ‘Andrea’s Game’, catchy eh?

If, by the way, you want to have a game named after you, drop me a line to jwebster@kmfm.co.uk

All you have to do is explain it with three of your own attempts, just like Andrea who gave me Tom and Jerry Halliwell; Michael Betty Boo-bley and Suggs Bunny and she also had the number one.

Here’s the top 10

10. The BAGPUSS-y Cat Dolls

9. The Jessica SIMPSON’S

8. SNOW WHITE-snake

7. THE LION KING-s of Leon

6. POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN-ic Street Preachers

5. Echo and the BUGS BUNNY-men

4. The Rolling FRED FLINT-Stones

3. HONG KONG FOO-uey Fighters

2. Lady Ga GARFIELD

1. SPONGEBOB Marley SQUAREPANTS

Brilliant, well done everyone, except Brad whose attempt was Lady Penelope Ga Ga. Oh dear Brad.

Kirstyn has managed to ruin my brand new jumper already. I was merely trying to help out with the traffic, when she took umbrage at me and threw her pen, full pelt and pointy side up, right at me.

It not only gave my jumper an irreparable pull, but also caused a flesh wound that is still smarting. There was no apology forthcoming so the rest of the show was rather icy, no change there then.

More bonfires and fireworks over the weekend, so enjoy, but most of all be safe. Myself and Kirstyn are at the East Stour School on Saturday for an all star celebrity auction (I think it’s Kirstyn and I that are the celebrity part, so don’t get too excited, although we are giving away lots of signed celebrity memorabilia). It starts at six, so do come down for the evening and all monies are going to the wonderful Salvation Army.

Thursday, November 5

Once again I doff my cap in your general direction for your response to my game. Although you did let me down with my search for somebody called Guy. Of course you are probably aware that it’s bonfire night, so I was trying to track down a Guy, so I could warn him of the pitfalls of being a Guy on such a night. Also I had a penny I wanted to give him, never mind, all the best laid plans and all that.

Anyway, the game steered away momentarily from song titles and we got down to merging again. And it was pop groups/artistes jumbled together. I thought I might let you guess the game by giving you the divas Donna Summer and her majesty Madonna, who together make Mad-Donna Summer of course, unfortunately nobody won today’s KMFM chocolate.

10. Kanye West-Life

 9. Swing Out Sister-Sledge

 8. 3 Non Blond-ies

 7. The Real Sting

 6. Boy George-Michael-Buble

 5. The Jam-iroquai

 4. Everything But The Girl-s Aloud

 3. The Black-Sabbath-Eyed-Peas

 2. Mungo-Jerry-Lee-ona Lewis

 1. The The Jackson 5-Star-ship.

It had to be the winner, well done Chris, there are 5 in there, count them. The The, The Jackson Five, Five, Five-star and Starship. Oh and by the way, Brad, you should be ashamed of yourself for even considering those twins from X-Factor as artistes, he said Judge Jedward, which has to be the worst answer ever given ever, since ever began.

The dulcet tones of Luke Hollands from the Kentish Express unveiled some of today’s stories, which was led by the front page story of the attempted robbery in New Rents. Pluckley Halloween update, moustache update (he’s growing one for charity, bless him, but looks absolutely ridiculous) and some semi-naked ladies who are posing for a calendar to raise money for donkeys, bizarre. Always a good read the Kentish and the only way can peruse my column which is magnificent this week if I say so myself.

Wednesday, November 4

I know I keep saying that I get a phenomenal response to my top ten game and I’m sorry to repeat myself but I really did get a phenomenal response to my top ten game this morning, oops, sorry there I go again repeating myself, but I really did get a phenomenal response, oops.

I thought it might be a tad complicated at first, because I always try it out on a few people before unleashing it on you lot but you once again came up trumps.

So, it was including pop groups/artistes into songs. There was also a game within the game today, as I gave you one song and asked you to work out what we were playing. It was to win a signed photo of the two of us and some KMFM chocolate. The worthy winners were Dave from BIFFA and Gazza and Andrea, well done. The song was by The Real Thing and was You To Me Are Everything. If you look closely enough, you’ll see that U2 are in there (You To) Me are Everything, get it?

Here is the definitive top ten and name checks:

10. S CLUB TROPICANA 7 (WHAM) Andrea

 9. STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN 17 (Led Zeppilin) Steve

 8. Back to BLACK SABBATH (Amy Winehouse) Dave

 7. Culture CLUB TROPICANA (WHAM) Linda

 6. DANCING QUEEN (ABBA) Pete

 5. Son of a MANIC STREET PREACHER-man (Dusty Springfield)

 4. TAKE THAT’ll be the day (Buddy Holly) Tom

 3. DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGEN-tina Turner (Madonna) Mark

 2. THE WHO do U 2 think you are (Spice Girls) Andrea, again. Well done honey, but no cigar.

 1. Sweet DESTINY’S CHILD of Mine (Guns n Roses) Ian

It was a pleasure to welcome Kirstyn in this morning as she had completely turned her frown, upside down. Here are some snippets of the show.

Our visit to The William Harvey Hospital to visit the brand spanking new maternity ward to see Kirstyn’s friend Clare and her new sprog Leo. Her room was like a plush hotel room.

We launched The KMFM senior citizens Christmas party in conjunction with Sue and Ernie Warren at Sandyacres. It’s on the 17th of December from mid-day until 14.30. It’s completely free, but you must get in early as it is very popular and is on a first come first served basis. There is also loads of entertainment chucked in on top of the incredible food. Give us a call in the mornings on 01233 610761 or call Ernie and Sue on 01233 627373.

And we talked to Emma from the Salvation Army about the charity auction at East Stour School on Saturday night from 6 onwards. Myself and Kirstyn are doing the actual auction and you are ALL welcome.  

Tuesday, November 3

Loving my game this morning. I was worried at first because it was about football and thought it might be a bit elitist. Plus, as soon as Kirstyn gets in, she’s going to lay into me again. Little did I know then, that when we she did get in, I was in for a proper telling off anyway. I must point out at this stage, that I didn’t actually do anything wrong, well not in my eyes, but that didn’t stop her and I got both barrels and then some. Thanks to all of you who offered sympathy for my plight, much appreciated.

Anyway, back to the game and it’s putting football teams into song titles and we’ve managed to come up with the entire Premier league and more. I will put then in league positions, which is unfortunately why my team are second to last.

1. CHELSEA dagger (The Fratellis)
2. Stand by your MAN UTD (Tammy Wynette)
3. ARSEN-ALL together now (The Farm)
4. I’m your MAN CITY (WHAM)
5. Some like it HOT-SPURS (Robert Palmer)
6. Long haired lover from LIVERPOOL (Jimmy Osmond)
7. Is this the way to ASTON VILLA (Tony Christie) OK, it’s a bit loose, but if you sing it out loud, it seems to work.
8. SUNDER-LAND of hope and glory
9. STOKE on the water (Deep Purple)
10. BURN-ley (Usher)
11. Brim FUL-LHAM of Asher (Cornershop)
12. WIGAN-wam-bam (The Sweet)
13. Always and for EVER-TON (Heatwave)
14. Take me down to the BIRMINGHAM CITY (Guns and Roses) Again, it works if you sing it
15. Push the BOLTON (Sugababes)
16. Hungry like the WOLVES (Duran Duran)
17. Back to BLACK-BURN
18. The road to HULL (Chris Rea)
19. WEST HAM girls (The Pet Shop Boys)
20. World shut your PORTS-MOUTH (Julian Cope)

Other great ones were; Always look on the BRIGHT-ON side of life (Monty Python); I ALDER-SHOT the sheriff and RANGERS in the night (Frank Sinatra) and of course, how could we forget ASHFORD TOWN Called Malice, brilliant.

Right, we’re off up the hospital now, to a) to visit Kirstyn’s oldest friend Clare, who is now the mother to a beautiful bouncing boy after a rather traumatic delivery, welcome to the ‘gated community’ Leo Blue. And b) to say hello to the overworked and underpaid nurses of the William Harvey Hospital, particularly the Maternity Ward who must have been put through the ringer a little bit, for a little woman, Clare can really make some noise.

Monday, November 2

I feel I should apologise for the fact that it’s already Monday and the weekend disappeared as quickly as it did. Sorry, I take full responsibility. My main aim in the early 6 til 7 ‘Wake up with Webbo’ hour is to gently nudge you awake with a mixture of jolly japes, some shenanigans, my little game and of course the music you want to hear. But because we are live, sometimes things just take over and we end up flying by the seat of our pants and just winging it.

So when I took a phone call at ten past six, you can imagine my amazement, when it was a young lady actually going through labour as we spoke. And not just any young lady, oh no, this young lady happens to be Kirstyn Read off the radio’s oldest friend Clare (you may have heard her mention her on a couple of occasions) who she has known since she was three. Now I also feel privileged to be able to call her my friend as well, because she is an absolute treasure. As well as being gorgeous to look at, she is also a gorgeous person and one of the funniest people you are ever likely to meet.

Anyway, she rings me up to let me know that the contractions are between 5 and 6 minutes apart and she is fully under the magical spell of gas and air. I immediately get myself into a complete flap as if I were the expectant father. The actual expectant father by the way, Paul, is at the time of our conversation, fast asleep. Now how laid back is he? Well the baby must be his father’s son, as he (it is a boy by the way) is in no rush to pop out, as by the end of our show he still has not arrived. We are gutted (probably not as much as Clare in fairness) because we really thought we were in for a kmfm baby. We even tried some breathing exercises to help her along and random shouts of ‘push’ to jolly her along, but to no avail. So at this time we are still very much on tenterhooks as we await another member of our ‘gated community’ to show up. All I can say is that he is a very lucky little boy to have a Mum like Clare and when he does eventually decide ’to drop’ he is in for a rollercoaster up-bringing, I’m almost jealous.

Of course we will keep you in the loop of what has happened as I’m sure you are as gripped by the excitement as we are. After all, we’re all one big happy family here.

Friday, October 30

It was a day like no other that I have ever been involved in. First of all I apologise for the interruption to normal service, but I’m sure you didn’t mind too much as we were raising money for a very good cause. It all goes to the Marie Curie cancer care trust, which basically staffs us with nurses to care for patients within our county. I can’t thank you enough for rising to the challenge and making it such a phenomenal morning.

We started off in my early hour by shifting a 3 foot high princess doll, a table football game and a teddy bear called Webbo. Thank you to Asda for the toys and Linda for the bear and Mrs Perkins and Val from Tenterden for their bidding war that got the money up to 25 quid, a great start to the proceedings.

Thanks to all the other kind people that donated ‘lots’ that we auctioned off including, The Stour Centre, Julie Rose Stadium and the Kingsnorth Recreation Centre. The Sinden Theatre, Currys, Fitness Foundations, Frankie and Bennys, Keel Toys, Ben Barham, Jamie Staff, Barry Fuller, The Glisten Experience (our new night-club, or NV’s), Eastwell Manor and Damian Green MP. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Then when Kirstyn turned up at 7 we were joined by our friend Ben and it absolutely went bananas, overall, throughout the day, we raised nearly a grand. Add that to our other 6 local breakfast shows and we topped 5 thousand quid. The auction continues throughout the day so that will obviously grow even bigger.

Not much else to report on the days proceedings really, apart from having the best fun ever.

So now we can concentrate on Halloween and Kirstyn and I are off the Rare Breeds Centre in Woodchurch to have the wits scared out of us. She’s going in the daytime which is more children friendly and I’m off tonight, so we hope to see a lot of you down there, it’s a proper laugh.

Check out Kirstyn tonight on her wonderful Essential Eighties show from 7 til 10 and after that it’s our fright night special, live from The Black Horse pub in Pluckley. I’ll see you from 6 am on Monday morning, until then, have a fantastic weekend and don’t get too spooked.

Thursday, October 29

Ok, first off, thanks to Mad Ange for a) being involved in my game b) for reading this blog and telling me how much she enjoyed it (my paranoia gets the better of me sometimes and wonder if anyone actually reads it) and c) well, for just being lovely. I loved today’s game so much that I feel I have to publish the lot, they were that good, so in no particular order, here we go. Oh, by the way, we are putting places in Ashford, Tenterden and surrounding areas into song titles.

Your love is KING-SNORTH (Sade)

BRA-BOURNE in the USA (The Boss)

SMEETH operator (Sade)

WYE-M-C-A (Village People)

HAM-STREET life (The Crusaders)

WOOD-CHURCH of the Poison Mind (Culture Club)

BROOK to life (Soul to Soul)

BETHERS-DEN-ise (Blondie)

PARK-farm-LIFE (Blur)

Land of STAN-HOPE and glory

One in TEN-TERDEN (UB40)

Moonlight SHADOw-XHURST (Mike Oldfield)

Down on CRADLEBRIDGE Drive (Suzi Quatro)

BROMLEY GREEN Door (Shaky)

CHAR-ING my Bell (Anita Ward)

HOTH-FIELDS of Gold (Sting)

Rock around the CLOCK-HOUSE (Bill Haley)

STONE IN OXNEY-s up mother Brown

ALL-DINGTON Together Now (The Farm)

The FROG-s ISLAND song (Paul McCartney)

HYTHE got a Feeling (Black eyed peas)

The tide is HIGH-HALDEN (Blondie)

I’ve saved my favorite until last which I love, not that I don’t love all of the others, it’s just this one made me laugh out loud, so thank you to my friend and colleague Adam Dowling for this little beauty…..Up The Junction 10 (Squeeze), genius.

That’s taken so long, I’ve run out of time and space, but I do have time to inform you that tomorrow is going to be a very special day as we are doing our ‘on-air auction’ and raising monies for the Marie Curie trust. I hope you can join us and take part. It’s a bit of a marathon as we go on until 11 and I can’t blooming wait.

Wednesday, October 28

Kirstyn Read will be back after taking leave from us all for a day as young Jack Oliver Read Petts (it’s true I tell you) was celebrating the big 8^th birthday. So, it was time to get some talking in before I’m cut short at 7 o’clock.

We had a lot of fun in the office yesterday coming up with the new top 10 game. The common denominator still being song titles, and today you had to come up with a FISH that slid into it.

10. Perfect TEN-CH (The Beautiful South)

 9. We Will ROCK You (Queen)

 8. GOLD-fish (Spandau Ballet)

 7. BARA-CUDA Wulda Shulda (Beverley Knight)

 6. Jagged Little PILL-CHARD (Alanis Morrisette)

 5. Oh my COD (Kaiser Chiefs)

 4. Don’t go Breaking my CARP (Elton and Kiki)

 3. Sitting on the HAD-DOCK of the Bay (Ottis Redding)

 2. The Final TROUT-down (Foriegner)

 1. The winner by a country mile is Brad. Now Brad is absolutely rubbish at this game normally and in fairness he openly admits it, but today he came up trumps in a big way. It deserves a big build up, which is what I’m attempting to do now. Not only did he nail the song title, he even managed to get a name of a fish into the name of the group and not just once, oh no, but twice. So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please doff your cap and stand up to show your appreciation for today’s number one offering from Brad, it is……… Sole to Sole and their classic STICKLE-Back to Life.

My dear friend then turned up and the following happened: We were given an indepth insight into the prodigal son's birthday celebrations, which were very enlightening indeed. Because of me allowing such time for her to indulge herself, she then let me have 45 seconds talking about football. I found it rather amusing that footballers are being asked to stop spitting when they’re playing, all because of the swine-flu epidemic. It’s like asking a player to stop kicking it quite so hard, it’ll never happen frankly.

Tuesday, October 27

In the industry, when we do a link welcoming you in the mornings, we also do a thing called a tease; it basically means that we give you a snippet of something coming up on the show that we hope interests you enough to keep listening. My opening gambit went something like “Coming up in the next hour, music from blah blah blah, my Top Ten Game, I have a special surprise for you all and I’ll be asking you, should I start wearing a hat?”

Let’s look at these one at a time. The hat question; Over the last few months (well years in fairness) the ‘double crown’ (as my mum calls it, bald patch as less caring people refer to it) on the back of my head, seems to be getting larger. So much so in fact, that people have taken to slapping me on it, or rubbing it. Another realization that the ravages of time have taken over my body. Anyway, what does one do? Shave the lot off or just simply wear a hat a lot? Your answers were nowhere near as sympathetic as I’d hoped for.

Next, the top ten game which was a tough one today but they will get tougher the longer I do it as I’m running out of ideas. It was all about things to do with the house in song titles. So here is a top 5:

5. Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppilin)

4. Rat in the Kitchen (UB40)

3. Loft Outside Alone (Anastacia)

2. Mirror in the Bathroom (The Beat)

1. St. Elmo’s Fire-place (John Parr)

And finally, the big surprise this morning, was that Kirstyn had decided to have a day off to celebrate her son Jack’s birthday and I was joined by my old mucker Danny ‘Sweet T’ Williams (they still don’t trust me on my own) and it was a pleasure to see him, what a nice bloke. I enjoyed our little ‘sing off’ as we auditioned for the KMFM Christmas song, which we want to be “Do They Know It’s Christmas”. Unfortunately, we both want to do the ‘Bono bit’, so we had a go each and Sweet T came out on top. I knew I shouldn’t have used the megaphone. We also managed to get him to adopt a ‘surrounding area’ and needed your suggestions. It was a close call, but in the end, Appledore prevailed.

Monday, October 26

The ‘Wake Up With Webbo Hour’ consisted of, “What did you do with your extra hour this weekend?”. Why I was feeling a bit hoarse and of course the Top Ten game. Firstly, to get the ‘extra hour’ bit going, I told you how I spent my extra hour, which was basically turning all of my clocks back, all twelve of them, I must get rid of some of them. Actually, one of them was annoying me so much, I threw it out the bedroom window. How time flies.

Secondly, the reason for my early hoarse-ness, was due to the fact that I went to West Ham yesterday and I barely had the voice left to cheer the two goals we got late in the game to draw with the mighty Gunners, ha-ha.

And finally the game, which today was all about countries in the song title.

10. The Can-Can-ada (Bad Manners)

 9. Ger-Many Rivers to Cross (UB40)

 8. Cold as Ice-land (Foreigner)

 7. Eng-Land of Confusion (Genesis)

 6. Hungary Eyes (Eric Carmen)

 5. The Road to H-ell Salvador (Chris Rea)

 4. In-Dia Tonight (Phil Collins)

 3. Total Egypt of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)

 2. Bra-zil-lion Love Songs (Take That)

 1. You Can Ring my Bel-lgium (Anita Ward)

I was very impressed with my ol’ mucker Kirstyn Read this morning, as she turned up fresh-faced and bushy tailed, with her new hair highlights and with a great big list of things she wanted to talk about, I think it’s called ‘prep’ in the trade, or preparation if you like. So, it was over to her as she broached everything from her hair appointment to her dog walk for The Pilgrims Hospice and loads in-between. The in-between bits were EastEnders and the Heather baby story, X-Factor and the incredible performances from Westliffe and The (Michael) Buble and the lottery of the result, Strictly and the passing of Jo Wood, an accident that happened on the Junction 9 roundabout and Saw 6 that she went to watch on Saturday. Honestly, I couldn’t get a word in edgeways, no change there then.   

Friday, October 23

What a laugh, it’s Friday and oh how we celebrated; you can’t help but get that little buzz can you.

My top ten this morning revolved around song titles with body parts in them. Once again, you didn’t let me down. So as opposed to a top ten, here is a definitive look at how may body parts we got, starting from the bottom, well, not quite the bottom, but you know what I mean.

TOE much TOE young (The Specials)

Head over HEELS (ABBA)

Tiger FEET (Mud)

3 INSTEPS to heaven (Showaddywaddy)

Love is SHIN the air (John Paul Young)

KNEES up Mother Brown (we not sure who did it, but it was number 1 in 1945 apparently, thanks Jim)

The tide is THIGH (Blondie)

She’s got LEGS (ZZ Top)

HIPS don’t lie (Shakira)

Fat BOTTOMed Girls (Queen)

In the ARM-y now (Status Quo)

You need HANDS (Max Bygraves)

GoldFINGER (Shirley Bassey)

THUMBwhere over the rainbow (Judy Garland)

You can ring my BELL-y (Anita Ward)

Simply the BREAST (Tina Turner)

Don’t THROAT your love away (The Searchers)

CHIN-chinerry CHIN CHIN cheroo (Dick Van Dyke)

LIPSyncing (Ok, Milli Vanilli didn’t release it as a single, but they did get caught out doing it and lost their EMMY award)

If you don’t NOSE me by now (Simply Red)

Sexy EYES (Hot Chocolate)

Oops upside your foreHEAD (The Gap Band)

In the HAIR tonight (Phil Collins)

You will never know how much fun I had doing this game today. And while we’re at it, we were given two internal body parts as well, loads of HEARTS (obviously) but I’m going with HEART-beat by Buddy Holly and Jimmy Osmond’s Long Haired Lover From LIVERpool.

Other snippets of today’s show included having the chief fundraiser from The Hospice in talking about the Paws 4 Pilgrims dog-walk in Chillham. You can still register in the morning at Chillham Castle between 9.30 and mid-day. It also gave me the chance to ask Nigel Donkin, if he ever thought about having his own Donkin Doughnut franchise or organizing Donkin Derbies on the beach, oh how we laughed. And while we on the subject of dogs, Sophie was highly amused (I think she was the only one by the way, because the tumbleweed was blowing through the studio as Kirst ducked under this one) when I told Kirst that I knew it had been raining cats and dogs last night, because there were lots of poodles on the ground.

Have a wonderful weekend won’t you and I’ll see you bright and early at 6am Monday, but if you cant wait that long, tune in to Kirst for the brilliant Essential 80’s tonight from 7

Thursday, October 22

The first half an hour of my ‘wake up with Webbo’ hour was dedicated to my ongoing battle with my mid-life crisis. Yesterday got quite ugly as I was walking through the town centre and stopped outside a shoe shop to peruse some new shoes. But my eye was caught by something that has left me reeling. I ended up being very impressed with a pair of slippers, a pair of blooming slippers for goodness sake, what’s going on? Have I got to the age when slippers have become an essential item to wear? Is there an age when slippers become a must for men of a certain age? I eventually saw sense and left the shop front immediately. I have to say though; they did look very comfortable, kind of a beige moccasin with sheepskin lining. Oh dear, what have I become?

My top ten game was all about song titles with drinks in. I started you off with a couple as normal and let you take over again. Today, I think I’ll break it into two top fives, the straight forward ones and a top 5 ‘outside the box’ list.

5. Red Red Wine (UB40)

4. Champagne Supernova (Oasis)

3. Coffee and TV (Blur)

2. Whisky in the Jar (Thin Lizzy)

1. I am a Cider Drinker (The Wurzels)

 

5. Light and Bitter Sweet Symphony (The Verve)

4. Have I told you Latte that I love you (Van Morrison)

3. Newcastle Brown Girl in the Ring (Boney M)

2. Tizer Feet (Mud)

1. Brown Aled Girl (Van the man again)

I get a tad confused by something that Kirstyn says (no change there then), and she makes it sound like a couple of people (who by the way, gave us two free tickets to Spandau Ballet tonight and then we gave them to one of you) were going on holiday in Kennington. Obviously I had misheard, but it made me think, I bet somebody somewhere has been on holiday there. Or even more probable, ended up on Frogs Island (South Willesborough). Well, it is an island after all.

Right, got to rush off now because Kirstyn and I are off to The Willow Centre to present some awards out to the Surestart volunteers, then hot footing it over to Hamstreet Village School to give out some certificates to the pupils. See you tomorrow, I’ve already got that Friday feeling.

Wednesday, October 21

With the imminent arrival of Kirstyn Read off the radio, I know full well that the day will be dominated by her stories of her night out watching Spandau Ballet at the 02 Arena. In preparation, I decided to base today’s little top ten on the Spandau Boys. I was intrigued to know where on earth the name came from, as it’s quite bizarre and then find out where other strange named bands came from. The Spandau Ballet one was a bit of a disappointment in all honesty. It turns out that the broadcaster and DJ Robert Elms, who was and is a massive fan and friend of the group, was watching them at a gig in Berlin and as he was sitting on the bog he noticed the name on the toilet door, simple as.

Here are some more, in a nutshell.

10. Duran Duran. A character from the 60’s cult film starring Jane Fonda, called Barbarella

 9. Madness. From their favourite singer Prince Buster’s single entitled Madness

 8. ABBA. Literally the initials of the band, Agnetha-Bjorn-Benny and Anni-Frid

 7. The Bee Gees. The brothers Gibb

 6. The Thompson Twins. Two characters from the American cartoon series Tin-Tin

 5. T’Pau. Another TV character, this one was a Vulcan from Star Trek

 4. Jethro Tull. Taken from the rather obscure inventor of the farmers seed drill. It’s true

 3. REM. The part of sleep that involves Rapid Eye Movement

 2. LL Cool J. Ladies Love Cool James

 1. UB40. The unemployment benefit form you have to fill out to sign on the dole. When employment was at its worst back in the late seventies and one in ten people were out of work, hence the single they released, 1 in 10.

There must be something about Wednesdays and traffic chaos. A fortnight ago, it was the M20 debacle on junction 10 that brought us to a standstill. Today, there was a power cut in Kennington overnight which brought them to their knees. Power was restored mostly, but the traffic lights were out all over the shop and unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you look at it) Towers School had to turn their pupils away because they had no power at all.

So Kirstyn regales us with her night in London watching Tony Hadley and the Kemp boys strutting their stuff at the 02 and was thoroughly entertained. She really is a little softie, because for some strange reason, when they played ‘Through the Barricades’ she was in floods, ah, bless her.

Tuesday, October 19

Thanks to the little Latin lovely Shakira (by the way she is going to have terrible trouble with her hips when she gets older, all that gyrating is definitely going to catch up with her in her dotage), my top ten today was songs with animals in the title. Of course her newest offering is ‘She Wolf’. So here are the top ten, with artists and you. I think we’ve managed not to repeat any animal more than once.

10. Crazy Horses - The Osmonds (Tony)

 9. Crocodile Rock - Elton John (Val)

 8. Cool for Cats - Squeeze (Harry)

 7. Rabbit -Chas & Dave (Tina)

 6. Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley (Dan)

 5. Bat out of Hell - Meatloaf (Pete)

 4. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor (Ian)

 3. The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Too many names to mention)

 2. Deer Prudence- The Beatles (Me) Ok, I know it’s not supposed to be an animal, but I did make myself laugh and I do like ones ‘out of the box’. Speaking of which.

1.  From Mark Giles, who heard me up the ante with my Deer Prudence and came up with Tony Christie’s “Is this the way to ARMADILLO”

Our fright night cat is out of the bag (it’s all animals today) and the location has been revealed as The Black Horse in Pluckley on October 30. I’ll be listening, but not until I’ve had my own fill of scares at The Rare Breeds Centre in Woodchurch. I’ve been for the last two years and had the best fun ever. This year, because of public demand, it’s bigger and better than ever. The daytime dates for the little ones are October 26-31 from 10.30 til 4pm

The nighttime entertainment for us adults who can handle it (at this stage I should point out that my Maisy had been the last two years and loved it, but it’s down to your own discretion on how you think your kids will deal with it) the dates are October 28 til the 31 and starts at 6 through to 10 sharp.

Tomorrow will be interesting as Kirstyn is off to the 02 stadium tonight to watch the legends that are Spandau Ballet. I can’t wait to hear the stories, but I’m going to have to deal with her tiredness first and that’s not going to be easy. Wish me luck.   

Monday, October 19

I can’t believe the weekend is already over; I’m convinced they’re shorter than they used to be you know. But no worries, I miss you all too much anyway, so it’s a good thing. Feeling a bit heavy headed as I played football last night for the first time in a few weeks and as well as the heavy head (that’ll be the beer) my legs are not responding to what my brain is asking them to do.

Because of my fragile demeanor, I thought I’d make the top ten game nice and simple, for my sake more than yours. I thought we’d find the definitive top ten of bands that start with THE and here they are.

10. The Verve

 9. The B 52’s

 8. The Monkees

 7. The Shadows

 6. The Wurzles (trust Mad Ange to think outside the box)

 5. The Who

 4. The Specials

 3. The Beatles

 2. The Jam

And of course at number one, it can only be The The, surely.

Talking of The Beatles, or should I say beetles, Kirstyn was doing some ‘autumn sort out’ cleaning over the weekend and found a dead beetle under the bed. I immediately thought of George Harrison (a tad morbid, I admit) but it was the insect variety. Now being a lover of all living creatures, I at least expected her to check that it was definitely dead before discarding it. Then she shocked me even more by telling me she threw it in the bin, no proper send off? She, in my opinion could at least have put it in the garden in a shallow little grave, thus sending it back to nature. Honestly, she can be so cold sometimes.

So much to discuss from the weekend. X Factor has really grabbed the nation again this year and I’m sure it has something to do with the mad twins. Personally I can see them going the distance and people love an underdog. Joe boxer (can’t spell his name) is out of Strictly, he was awful wasn’t he?

And finally, what about that poor kid who threw the beach ball onto the pitch at the Sunderland v Liverpool game. The ball took a deflection off of the beach ball, diverting it into the goal (which stood) and his team lost 1-0, he’s going to get some ribbing for that.  

Friday, October 16

It's Friday. Well done everyone, we did it again and a gentle cruise. I woke up this morning feeling cock-a-hoop and that remained with me all morning. Actually, when I say all morning, what I really mean is up until just gone seven when Kirstyn turned up and did her very best to knock it out of me with her demands. You would have thought I’d have got used to it by now wouldn’t you? A few of my “wake up with Webbo club” jumped aboard my cock-a-hoop band wagon and a few of you even had your own form of cock-a-hoopness.

My top ten game today was the best response yet, it was simple (I can only do simple) but effective (I can only do effective). Basically it was song titles that are people’s names and names only. I kicked you off with; Valerie; Mandy; Ben and Denise and you took over and it went off the hook, here are just a few examples:

Sandy

Barbara-Anne

Lucille

Ruby

Clare

Lola

Eleanor Rigby

Joanna

Michelle

Peggy Sue and so on and so forth, I’ve purposefully left out the artistes, I thought I’d let you work them out as a bit more fun.

Kirstyn’s oldest friend Clare rang in this morning and during her conversation, managed to get the word ‘militant’ into the chat. We were oh so impressed and decided to try and fit it into our discussions. Unfortunately Kirst ruined it by just saying it willy-nilly and completely out of context.

We’ve decided that there are certain programmes you start watching when you get to a certain age. Kirst is a massive fan of cooking TV shows all of a sudden whereas I have become addicted to Question Time. Also, do you remember how much you used to hate it when your Dad would insist on watching the news; well I have become that Dad. Also, I have to check out the weather for the next day now just so I can prepare my attire for the day. Again, as kids we couldn’t care less, if it rained we got wet, we didn’t care, it was so much simpler then.

And finally, Kirstyn completely missed my best joke of the week. We were discussing the little boy in America who they thought had been swept off in a hot air balloon. Fortunately, the lad wasn’t in it after all, but was hiding because he thought he’d be in trouble. I said his punishment would be that he was grounded. It completely fell on deaf ears, even after at least four more attempts to make it clear, hey-ho.

Have a great weekend everyone, I miss you already...

Thursday, October 15

You just never know what is going to get your juices flowing in the mornings. Today, there were two very good examples of when you like to get involved. I started the day off with my new little top ten game. It was all because yesterday a friend of mine used the expression ‘never look a gift-horse in the mouth’. Now I knew what he meant, basically never turn down a good opportunity, or words to that effect. But when you start to analyze the phrase, it makes no sense at all. What on earth is a gift-horse? And why shouldn’t you look the gift-horse (whatever it is) in the mouth. We use such phrases on a daily basis and accept them for what they are, so perhaps you shouldn’t analyse them as I do. The phone lines lit up and here is today’s top ten:

10. Can’t see the wood for the trees

 9. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink

 8. More haste, less speed

 7. In for a penny, in for a pound

 6. All that glitters is not gold

 5. Every cloud has a silver lining

 4. Live life to the full as you’re a long time dead

 3. If you can’t stand up and be counted, you’re better off sitting down

 2. Courtesy costs nothing, but it’s amazing how many people can’t afford it

 1. You’re not dressed until you wear a smile

The other thing that got you hot under the collar was all about roundabouts. We had a text from a concerned listener who was a bit miffed about what lane you should be using as she approached the “T.A. Roundabout” from junction 9, you know the one. Well. There are two lanes that lead down to the roundabout and of course if you are turning right to go towards Great Chart you should use the right hand lane, it makes sense. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the gist (I reckon its outsiders) and it causes quite a lot of concern it would seem. We took twenty odd calls about how a roundabout should be used and it was quite enlightening.

The other roundabout that was discussed heavily was the little one at the bottom of Mace Lane, where Tesco one-stop is. I have to admit that this one incenses me. Again, all us Ashfordians know, that when we come through the lights at the top near Domino Pizza, you have to merge into the right hand lane so you can go straight on at the bottom, or turn right towards Tesco. The left hand lane is only for the Henwood Industrial Estate, but so many people go dashing down the inside lane and then go straight across at the bottom. Normally I’m not really a road rage person, but that really gets to me.

Tuesday, October 13

Sometimes, when a bit of radio gold comes together, it’s more luck than judgment with me. I bowled into work today still feeling the after effects of my lingering cold and having not had much kip, completely unprepared for the show (no change there I hear you all shout in unison). I managed to get through the opening 10 minutes unscathed, just, then, on the back of Madonna (excuse the phrase) it hit me, how many other people are known by just one name. If you said "I’ve got Ian coming round for tea tonight", frankly it could be anyone, if on the other hand you said "Kylie’s popping round later" we’d know exactly who you meant (and by the way, well done for getting Kylie to come round). So we did a top 10 of "famous people, past and present, who only need one name to be recognised by". Ok, it’s not a great title, but it gives you all the information. This was judged in the same way as Family Fortunes, i.e. we asked a hundred people. It wasn’t quite a hundred, but not far off, honest.

10. Pele

9. Bono

8. Elvis

7. Einstein

6. Casanova

5. Diana

4. Ghandi (not goosey goosey)

3. Jordan (sadly)

2. Adolf

1. Jesus

Kirstyn has given me some more genius "top 10s" for the rest of the week. Like top 10 flowers, garages and jumpers ... brilliant. So that’ll get you setting your alarms for six in the morning I guarantee.

The other main talking point of the show, was our discussion (more like a stand up fight to be honest) about spades. Its Kirstyn’s mum’s birthday you see and she has bought her a spade. I simply asked if she was sure she had purchased a spade and not a shovel by mistake. The poo hit the fan and we were inundated with callers advising us what was what. To be honest with you, I knew exactly what was what, but I was never going to tell Kirst, as I was enjoying the banter too much.

Monday, October 12

I trust your weekend went with a swing. I think ours were pretty productive. Actually not sure if the word productive is the correct one to use, perhaps diverse would suit better. My Friday night was spent in Brabourne village hall watching ‘Smeeth and Brabourne have talent’. It’s an annual event that has the whole village talking well before the event and for a long time after. This was my first taste of it and what a pleasure it was. My main reason for being there was because my daughter Maisy was performing a couple of tunes with her school and without being biased, completely stole the show (ok, I am being biased, but what parent wouldn’t?). They did a rousing rendition of a couple of "Wind in the Willows" songs that brought the house down. Well done everyone involved in putting the production on and I can’t wait for the pantomime.

Kirstyn had a little venture into Tenterden to celebrate one of her friend’s birthdays. The chosen venue was Café Rouge and a good time was apparently had by all. She has also started her new college course, which makes me feel like a proud parent.

It sounds as if her dog ‘Cash’ had more of an eventful weekend, as Grandad Read ‘dog-sat’ and he ended up being taken over to the rugby club to watch a game and then on Sunday morning watched the Givaudan 10k run that set off from the Julie Rose Stadium into town, up Hythe Road and back to the stadium. Congratulations to all of you that took part and hopefully a lot of money was raised for various worthy causes. I was wandering down Hythe Road completely oblivious to the fact (sorry, I’d forgotten as I wasn’t feeling too good on Saturday and it slipped my memory) to get my bacon for breakfast and must have had about a dozen people shout "you’re going the wrong way Webbo". It did make me feel a bit bad I have to admit; perhaps I should get into training for next year’s race right now.

What a television extravaganza we had this weekend! The X-Factor has got everybody talking, not just because of all the controversy that has been going on through the media, but because of the two live performances of Alexandra Burke and Robbie Williams. Of course the Robster was his usual confident, entertaining, wonderful self, but we both thought that Alexandra completely stole the show with her fantastic rendition of her new single Bad Boys.

My favourite programme of all time was back on the box, namely Harry Hill’s TV Burp, he really is a very funny man. But the thing that really captivated me, was the World Championship Netball tournament, I’m totally addicted. So much so, that I’m thinking about starting my own team. I’ll be player manager, so if there are any girls out there looking for a game, get in touch.

Friday, October 9

Another fantastic night at the North School as Kirstyn and I went back for a repeat performance of grinning for photos, hand shaking, back slapping and our motivational speeches. We got another great reception and can’t thank the school enough for the enormous welcome mat they put out for us (it’s not a real one of course, that would be madness; it’s just a figure of speech). I’m completely sold on the school and feel very happy indeed that my Maisy will be joining next September.

I rested my little game this morning. It was getting a bit tired, not that I’m writing it off completely, it’s just having a break. But instead, just to make sure you were paying attention, and because I’m in ‘school mode’ I did my own register. There were a few absentees and I will be having words. Having said that, some of you got your mums to write me a note, so I’ll let you lot off. I did promise I’d give you a ‘roll call’ on my blog, so as a man who is true to his word, here you go.

KELSEY AND MAISY HARDWICK; ROBERT (South Ashford); ANDREA AND HARRY; SIMON THE SHOE MAN; SHEILA; DAVE FROM BIFFA; JEANETTE CARVIL (loves waking up with me and was working out down at the Stour Centre); DAN (on way to work); BERNADETTE AND WENDY (in the Hospice kitchen); FIONA RADFORD (Pluckley Station); KERRY FROM HASTINGLEIGH; SHAZZA IN KENNINGTON; CRAIG, HANNAH AND DEN. Thank you all for joining in.

Now, once again I have to shoot off early. I’m not being lazy, it’s just that Kirstyn and myself are off to Tesco Crooksfoot to jump on a static bike and peddle to Lands End. I know it sounds weird, but I’ll explain all on Monday and if you read this in time, come down and see us from midday.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, October 8

Oh dear, I’ve got those horrible after-effects of a head cold. It’s all dried up now thank goodness and my voice seems to be getting back to normal, it’s just the rest of me that’s falling to pieces unfortunately. My ears are completely blocked and I’m a bit mutton (mutton Geoff, meaning deaf, for you non-speaking Cockney rhyming slangers) and I’ve got my headphones turned up full blast. The up-side of this, of course, is I can’t hear Kirstyn moaning at me. The other part is a clicky cough, the one that makes a horrible noise from within. And lastly, I’ve got a flakey nose, you know, the loose skin that appears round your nostrils where you’ve been blowing it so much and you can see the skin, almost flapping around, out the corner of your eye.

On a completely different note, but still to do with my failing body, I’ve realised that I’m getting very old elbows. They are creasing up in front of my very eyes. I suppose it’ll be my face next and don’t say too late it’s already happened, I’m feeling vulnerable enough as it is.

Kirstyn and I had a great night down at North School as they celebrated some of the students’ outstanding achievements. It really is a pleasure being involved in things like this and we were both very humbled to be asked to attend. We posed with all the recipients for some photos, watched an amazing Tae-Kwon-Do exhibition by a student called Conor and a great song by four students which was very rock and roll. Then it was our turn to do a little chat and answer some probing questions. One of the questions was "where do you see yourselves in five years time?". A great question and my answer was, as well as celebrating my 50^th birthday, hopefully still lighting up the airwaves and I wouldn’t do that anywhere else apart from where I am now. Unless that is I’m kicked out, but it will be shouting and screaming, trust me. Kirst’s answer was a lot shorter and simpler, to quote, "I want a baby". It was a brilliant night and we’re doing it all over again this evening, what a laugh.

Thursday means Kentish Express review day with the very dulcet toned Luke Hollands. He’s no Romney Marshall, but he is very good and a bit of eye candy for my compadre. Of course you can purchase your very own copy at the bargain price of seventy English pennies or check them out online. My preferred option, if your asking, is to buy a copy, because that’s the only way you’ll get to read my award winning column (wishful thinking) which is worth the price alone (I know, I’m biased). This week is all about my celebrity night out in London at the Chris Evans book launch and a few ideas of what I might call mine if I ever published one.

Wednesday, October 7

Every now and again at work, we have a meeting where our boss makes us listen back to bits of our show and basically rip us to pieces. Now normally that happens to both myself and Kirstyn, but because of me now doing the first hour on my own, I had to have the meeting on my lonesome and it was a bit squeaky bottom time. Firstly, I hate listening to my own voice (so I do feel sorry for you all) and secondly, nobody wants to be told they are rubbish and I knew of two emails at least that were saying exactly that. One actually called me a jumped up chav, which I must admit, I’m quite proud of. Anyway, I need a bit of work is the general consensus and I couldn’t agree more I have to say, but I’m not going anywhere for the foreseeable future, hopefully.

I have to admit, you all let me down a bit today with the game. And because of my immense paranoia, I’m wondering has the game run its course, or, was it a bit tough or, were you all just a bit tired? Who knows, what I do know though is Carol, Dave and Andrea had a go. We were mixing Chinese food with pop artists and they came up with Paul Fu-Young; Pe-Kinks Duck and The Specials fried rice respectively. My own personal offerings were;

Spring Roll-ing Stones

Won Ton Soup Dragons

Ben E. King Prawns

And for desert a nice Banana-rama Fritter

One very interesting discussion that we entered into was all about one of Kirstyn’s oldest friends, namely Hayley (she’s in the top ten of oldest friends). She was talking on the phone to her very oldest friend, namely Clare (she’s number 1 in the top ten list) about what to buy the aforementioned Hayley (I think she’s about number 7 come to think of it) for her birthday. It turns out that she is a massive Elvis fan and her whole bathroom is dedicated the King himself. So in their infinite wisdom, they thought that an Elvis toilet seat might be a good idea. Have they gone completely mad? Surely that has to be offensive to a fan, especially as the man himself reputedly died on the khazi. Have they no respect?

 

Tuesday, October 6

Look, I’m not being a martyr to my illness, but it’s obviously affecting me and as much as I’m not looking for sympathy, I would certainly appreciate Kirstyn coming in being a touch more sensitive. Don’t think it’s going to happen though.

My daily routine is actually set in stone and quite regimented and if it goes even slightly awry, it tends to throw my morning out completely and sometimes the rest of the day. I always lay my clothes out the night before so I don’t have to faff around in morning. I set my alarm for 4.30am and then my mobile alarm for 10 minutes later, just in case the first option goes wrong. I dress my bottom half and then it’s downstairs for my ablutions, basically a wee and a wash and a quick spray of deo for my b.o. Get the kettle on for a cuppa and make the kids’ sandwiches whilst listening to the radio, then into the front room for the Sky news headlines whilst drinking the aforementioned cuppa. Then it’s off to work by 5.15am. That’s exactly what I do; every morning without fail, one little blip in the system and it all goes horribly wrong.

Got back to the game today and it was a slow burner, but you got there eventually. Basically it was marrying together celebrity names. Examples are - Alexander O’Neil Diamond; George Michael Jackson; Lilly Allen Titchmarsh etc etc. Then we upped the anti by getting three names in there, like Daniel Rad-Cliffe-Richard-Gere. Dave got in touch and went with Olivia Newton John-Wayne-Sleep, but Andrea really nailed it with Amy Whine-House-Martin-Shaw-Taylor-Swift, I think you’ll find there are five in there! Ok, granted, there was a pop group in there, but we’ll overlook that shall we.

Now, as I said at the start, I’m not feeling 100 per cent and I’m in the middle of yet another hot flush, so I think I’m going to have to leave it there and shoot off home for a kip, so my apologies for the briefness, but I want to make sure I’m fit to get back in for tomorrow.

Monday, October 5

Oh it’s good to be back. I hate going away, even if it was only Friday I took off. But I have to say I do feel a tad under the weather (whatever that expression means). I’ve got a bit of a head cold which I’ve put down to four options.

a) The kids have brought it home from school and passed it on

b) I got it when I went up to that London place, because it’s full of germs

c) I’m getting old and the early mornings are catching up

d) I caught a chill on Saturday morning watching my son play for his school against Homewood and wasn’t adequately dressed ... it was chilly.

Personally I think it’s all of the above, but I’ve decided not to feel too sorry for myself and just crack on with it as I certainly won’t be getting any sympathy when Kirstyn eventually comes in after 7. But thanks to all of you who sent me a get well soon text.

The reason for my trip to that London place was because I went to my mate Chris Evans’ book launch, I won’t bore you with the details as it’s going to be in this week’s "Webbo’s World" in the Kentish Express.

Bet you can hardly wait!

I didn’t play my normal game this morning because I was trying to save a bit of the old voice for Kirst’s arrival and let the music do the talking. What I did do however, was set you a trivia question which was "what did I do this morning that I haven’t done since April?" Thankfully, you kept the answers clean. They ranged between, putting the heating on, driving into work instead of walking, wearing a coat, going to the toilet (that’s always part of my morning ritual after my first cuppa, regular as clockwork) and wearing a hat. All good guesses but the correct answer was putting on my jeans instead of shorts, and oh how I miss them already, I hate wearing trousers.

Kirstyn had an enterprising weekend. She went go-carting and I was made up for her until she told me the full story, which completely ruined her excursion in my eyes. After rattling round the course for a while, she had to make quite a few pit-stops because she was feeling a bit queasy. It carried on for so long that even in the car on the way home she had to stop to empty her stomach. She blamed it on not enough food and too much coffee. Honestly, and she has the nerve to dig me out for feeling under the weather.

Friday, October 2

Welcome to Friday’s blog – written by Kirstyn as Webbo went hob-nobbing with the stars in London last night!

Anyway, a quiet Friday morning which went well I think.

I’ve found myself addicted to Masterchef since last year. Now I really enjoy watching something I know nothing about – cooking. I made myself chuckle when I realised that it may as well be in another language as I don’t understand the critics, judges or even the contestants. Oh tell a lie, I recognised the word ‘pancake’ last night… just don’t ask me to make you one!

Don’t forget the Crusader Pub (on Brookfield Road) has its final foray on Saturday evening. There’ll be karaoke and a disco to celebrate the pub’s good times and everyone’s welcome to pop along!

If you like your folk music then head along to the Tenterden Folk Festival which is on until Sunday evening. Stuffed full of activities for the whole family with local businesses taking part, it promises to be a weekend of fun and merriment. More details at the website tenterdenfolkfestival.org.uk

Have a fabulous weekend, I’m off racing with my old mate Lauren!

Thursday, October 1

My first hour this morning was spent asking for your help and you didn’t let me down by any stretch of the imagination. First and foremost, I was looking into why there was such a stench of rotten fish surrounding our area, it stank. Now when I say that you didn’t let me down, that’s not strictly true. Many of you rang to agree, but nobody came up with the definitive reason or answer. So if there is somebody who does know, please get in touch.

The second thing was, and this is an odd one, I was approached by a lady in the pub yesterday who asked for my advice. I agreed to help if I could and with that she had pulled something from her bag and began to unwrap it from its tissue paper. At first it looked like a big block of chalk, but after closer inspection it started to look more and more like a giant tooth. The lady had found it on a dig in Charing and has been trying to find somebody who can authenticate it. So, like any good local radio presenter, I told her I’d help and asked you lot if you knew anyone that is into that kind of thing, or a paleontologist to use the correct term. Again, no luck, so I ask again, if there is anyone out there who is into there paleontology, please get in touch; we could be sitting on an historic find.

And lastly, I’m off to a bit of a celebrity do tonight, it’s my old mate and boss’ book launch and I can’t wait to see him again. My dilemma however is that I haven’t got a clue what to wear. Now I don’t want to come across as a bit of a girl, but it’s been such a long time since I attended anything like this that I’m out of touch. The options are, be true to myself and go as I would normally go anywhere, ie. shorts and T shirt, or make more of an effort and go for the full monty of suit and dickie bow, etc. You have made the decision even worse out of the 14 calls made, it was split down the middle, Perhaps then, I should go for shorts and suit jacket?

The game today was merging “marine life” with famous people and here is the top 5.

5) Sting-Ray-Winstone

4) Salmon Rushdie

3) Pike & Tuna Turner

2) Bob Marlin and the Whale-ers

1) The Cray-fish Twins

I’m off tomorrow as I can’t see me getting away from my night out in London until silly o’clock, so Kirst will do the blog tomorrow and the show single handed, so look after her and I’ll see you on Monday.  

Wednesday, September 30

I’m just not sure that we will be able to carry on doing the “mix and match” game after this morning’s unbelievably entertaining response. The bar has been raised THAT high, it will be impossible to top, people, I truly believe we have peaked. You judge for yourself as I unveil today’s top 10.

10) Korma Chameleon - Culture Club

 9) Where the Streets Have No Nan - U2

 8) Bye Bye Bhaji - Bay City Rollers

 7) Tears on my Pilau - Kylie

 6) Sitting on the Dock of the Bom-Bay Potato - Otis Redding

 5) Different Korma - George Michael

 4) Jalfrezzi Little Thing Called Love - Queen

 3) You Can’t Curry Love - The 3 Degrees

 2) Popa-dom Preach - Madonna)

 1) Sag a loo, loo, loo push pineapple shake a tree - Black Lace

All of this chat is getting Kirstyn very hungry indeed and you can actually hear her tummy mumbling, or is it grumbling, no that’s just Kirstyn grumbling.

I did a bit this morning about kids saying the funniest things (that’s not a bad idea for a TV programme, has anyone done it yet?) because my Maisy had me in stitches

yesterday. For her homework she had to do a kind of pub quiz, random 20 questions that are mainly for them to get to use the computer as well as learning trivia along the way. She got one of the questions wrong and was a bit perplexed. The one she got wrong and the reason for my mirth was; “Who is the missing Beatle, Paul, John, Ringo and…………?” She didn’t look this one up because she was convinced she knew the answer, which was Bingo. Do you think The Beatles would ever have made it as big as John, Paul, Ringo and Bingo.

Other points of discussion were the talking hamster toy that’s going to be this Christmas’ biggest seller. It reminded me of when my Charlie, who was only 2 at the time, thought that the hamsters rolling Perspex toy that it used to run around in, was actually a football and kicked it full pelt against the wall. Don’t worry, Henry was only mildly concussed.

And how we got round to discussing Colonel Gaddaffi I’ll never know. But we think he may live down in Orion Way and is a bit miffed by having to walk all the way to Hunter Road to get the bus into Town. I then managed to convince Kirst (at least I think I did) that the Colonel’s first name is actually Daffy. That’s Colonel Daffy Gaddaffi.

 

 

 

something’s” of the day, well today it was our favourite fountains. Now there aren’t many to choose from, so Victoria Park fountain won hands down, although I did do a bit of creeping and voted for Steve (Fountain) who is our boss. We’d already played our fave industrial estate before and the winner then was Henwood, although other industrial estates are available, and Henwood was once again in out thoughts as two mysterious mannequins have been found hanging from a tree there. We saw the macabre pictures on the website and asked if anyone knew what was going on. Fortunately a lovely lady called Vicky from the arts and Design College rang in to own up. She was simply clearing out the basement and thought she would try to cheer us all up, good on you Vicky, although it’s still a bit weird.

Kirstyn accidentally brought up the fact that January 17 is my birthday. The reason she mentioned this was because we played Paul Young and he shares the same birthday as me. Now, I just want to clear this up right here and now, I just want my birthday to go by without a fuss this year. If you’re a regular listener you’ll realize I never like to make a big thing about January 17, but January 17 just seems to slip out. So, just forget January 17, strike January 17 from your memory and forget the date January 17 from here on in. I certainly won’t be mentioning January 17 from this point. By the way, it’s on a Sunday next year, so best do the cards for the Friday, or Sunday, not that I want anything of course.

Tuesday, August 11

Oh dear, he’s at it yet again, will he never learn? Faraday just leaves himself wide open for abuse; you can hardly blame me can you? If there are any of you out there that think I might be being a bit harsh, please let me know, also if there are any of you out there that think I should give him even more stick, then definitely get in touch. This morning, he was banging on about introducing a new item and to tease us all, he played some church bells. He then shows off by telling us that the art of bell ringing is called campanology. Does he think we’re all stupid, come on, we all knew that; anyway, he’s the bloke that put the camp in campanology.

Took my son Charlie down to Ashford Boxing Club again last night, wasn’t sure if it was his thing, but he loves it. The kids and the trainers are brilliant and really make you feel at home. You can use it for fitness as well as learning the noble art or if it’s just to get a bit of self confidence, it really doesn’t matter, you’re made to feel welcome and I thoroughly recommend it. Whilst Charlie was in there, I popped in to see my old mate Jimmy Barden in The Crusader pub in South Ashford. I hadn’t been in there for years, what a stroll down memory lane that was.

Kirstyn has a day down at The Stour Centre with her son Jack, his friend Tierney and godson Kyle. Well it’s supposed to be a fun, but Kirst manages to get stressed as the kids run rings around her. Fortunately her godson Kyle is 18 and managed to restore order, unlike his, by now, flapping godmother. It also becomes apparent that son Jack is a bit of a drama queen. After his weekend experience of thinking somebody sleeping had been murdered, he now gets a bit beside himself after swallowing a mouthful of water and then claiming he nearly drowned. I wonder where he gets that from.

We love making a live birthday call and today’s was to a very brave little girl called Jessica Redfearn, happy birthday honey.

You may have heard Kirstyn mention her “oldest friend” Clare on a couple of occasions, if not you haven’t been listening properly because it’s normally every five minutes. Well today’s “Clare mention” happened to amuse me greatly. Clare by the way is with child and also by the way, blooming gorgeous. Well, it turns out she went and got herself stuck in the bath. I’m not exactly sure how this came about, because she’s definitely not big enough to get wedged in, but sure enough she did get stuck. This bit confuses me though, as far as I can make out, “Flapps” our photographer had to go round and act as a human hoist to remove her from the tub. I know, you couldn’t odds it, could you?   

Monday, August 10

My new business venture seems to be gathering suitable momentum. I’ve seen a couple of messages on our Facebook website (Kirstyn and Webbo appreciation society if you want to join and you can find it through the kmfm website) and I had a text and a phone call about it. So basically that’s four gigs already lined up. The idea is to have Webb-O-grams, I’m still not sure how it works, but the essence of it is to turn up at peoples parties and then, well, just hang around really, being Webbo off the radio.

It always warms my cockles when Kirst talks about football. Normally she wouldn’t touch the conversation with a barge poll, but today she thought she’d show off by chatting about the Community Shield match that took place and for once, I couldn’t be bothered to join in because I don’t really care. The important thing though, is that it means the football season is back and that excites me immensely. By the way, what about the Gills result, five blooming nil, come on you Gills.

Kirstyn has had a busy weekend, as per usual, with a bbq here there and everywhere by the sound of it. But there is one particular incident that amused me. At her friends house party where there were all sorts of fun and shenanigans going on, somebody who was a bit worse for wear had decided to sleep it off in the garden. Kirst, who had her son Jack with her, was inside when Jack come running in, slightly perturbed, shouting “somebody’s been killed”. A very dramatic moment I’m sure you’ll agree.

A very humorous phone call from a listener, asking us to pass on some best wishes to a friend who had broken her foot over the weekend at an anniversary celebration. It turns out she and her husband (and I think there was probably some alcohol involved) decided late on in the evening to emulate the “Dirty Dancing lift” from the film. As you can imagine, it all went pear-shaped and the husband dropped his poor wife and she ended up in hospital with a fracture, that’ll teach them.

Just a quick bit of reminiscing now and for some reason we ended up talking about Sunday bath nights. I know many of my mates of the same generation had exactly the same night. Bath time 5.30, down for the Top 20 on the radio, a bit of Sing Something Simple, turn the TV back on for Songs of Praise and then into a bit of Esther Ranzen’s That’s Life. Then will be many of you who won’t have a clue what I’m talking about, but that’s about the norm anyway. Oh that’s it, I remember how we got round to it now, we were talking about when there were no remote controls and actually had to stand up and turn the TV over manually. Honestly, the kids don’t know how good they’ve got it.  

Friday, August 7

Now if I was to come on air and start saying “good game, good game” or “nice to see you, to see you nice” then Bruce Forsyth (who we think lives on Park Farm) might get the hump. If I started saying “rock on Tommy” then Bobby Ball (from Canon and Ball;(who may live on Frogs Island) might be a bit miffed, or if I said “Mr Grimsdale, Mr Grimsdale” then Norman Wisdom (who hails from Stanhope) would quite rightly take umbrage as these catchphrases are theirs and theirs alone.

So imagine my reaction when I tune into Faraday first thing this morning to hear him shouting “any chance?” I was beside myself with anger. You wouldn’t catch me doing a “Faraday”, which is basically droning on laboriously for hours and sending everyone off to sleep, that’s become his own “catchphrase” so to speak and I wouldn’t dare step on his toes, I ask you.

Something very special will be happening this lunchtime that won’t happen again for another 1,000 years. No, it’s not that Bob the producer is buying a round, it’s that at 12.34.and 56 seconds and because today is the 07.08.09 that the time and date will read 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9. How about that?

Kirstyn has come in today looking very reminiscent of Kate Moss (but of course much prettier), because she had her hair foiled yesterday. I have absolutely no idea what that means, I just know that the outcome is very impressive and the fact that I noticed went down well.

We take a call from a very nice young man called Jack Bailey, who basically just wanted to say 'hi'. We never like to just pay lip service to our callers, so we ask him what he’s up to today. He informs us he is going to Asda to buy a lunchbox. So far, this is all quite harmless, until Jack Bailey says it’s a Chelsea lunchbox he’s buying. I try desperately to get him to change his mind and get him to purchase a West Ham one, but he’s having none of it. Then the cheeky little blighter rings back after his successful Asda visit to tell me the West Ham ones are on discount because they’re rubbish. I can’t believe I’m getting wound up about my team by a six-year-old.

If you haven't yet read my column in this week's KE, firstly what do you think you're doing? And secondly, best rush out now and get one. Anyway, it is all about my O-Gram experiences over the years. You know what I mean, people that dress up to come to your party and then un-dress. Anyway, it got me thinking, as I need a few extra pennies with Christmas round the corner, I thought I might try a Webbo-O-Gram service. I turn up at your party and ... I haven’t really thought about the next bit, so any ideas?

Producer Bob pops in for a bit of creeping. Unfortunately it's while we’re in mid-link, he hasn’t sussed out what the red light “on air” sign means yet. Anyway, he says how impressed he is that we can just “whack the show out with such ease” Kirstyn brings the tone down by suggesting that HE should know all about whacking things out. This reduces him to fits of giggles and he retreats back into his room from whence he came. I think I must have ducked underneath this one and have no idea what’s going on.

Thursday, August 6

I enjoyed writing my news headlines yesterday so much, I thought I’d do it again today, that is of course if you don’t mind? Obviously if you do mind, there’s nothing you can do about it, not now anyway. But if it does offend you in anyway, shape or form, then please do let me know.

RADIO PRESENTER CONFESSES TO BEING MAD; kmfm DJ Kirstyn Read took a giant step towards finding her inner self today by admitting that she's a bit tonto. Her shocked co-host John “Webbo” Webster was stunned by the outpouring, but was also said to be sympathetic to her plight.

PRODUCER FINALLY PRODUCES SOMETHING, SHOCKER; after a year producing the kmfm breakfast show in Ashford, producer Bob as he is affectionately known, finally “came up with the goods” and produced something interesting. We rung the studio to ask for a quote but were refused a comment. An insider said that it maybe too little too late.

DJ SPENDS EVENING BENEFITING HERSELF; as rumours spread throughout the office as to what this could possibly mean the presenter in question (Ms Read) would only acknowledge that Henry was involved and the result was a clean finish. No close friends or insiders were available for comment.

HELLRAISING WOMANIZER; after spending most of his adulthood in pubs and clubs around the district and having many accusations labeled at him DJ John Webster admits that in his day he was more Oliver Reed than Oliver Hardy. A young mother from Stanhope refused to confirm that she ever knew him as indeed did any of the women we approached.

NO WOMAN NO SKY; a local man has confessed to “being left gutted” after his wife walked out on him, taking his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish, hence the headline.

AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST SEEN FLEEING FROM CRIME; Sarah “Romney” Marshall, who admits to being quite posh, was yesterday seen running at a steady pace up North Street in the direction of the town centre. No crime had actually taken place, but her alibi to the lack of crime didn’t add up. When probed about her “running incident” all she could come up with was “I’d forgotten my keys”. If you know of any crime that happened halfway down North Street between 9.30am and 9.32am yesterday morning, please phone us and your call will be treated in absolute confidence.  

Wednesday, August 5

I’m going to put a bit of a twist into today’s blog, don’t ask me why because there is no rhyme nor reason for it; just thought a change is as good as a rest. I’m going to lay it out like a classic tabloid newspaper, I’ll give you the cheesy headline and then fill you in with a brief explanation, it might not work but here goes anyway.

MORNING DJ INVENTS ULTIMATE CURE FOR INSOMNIA; KMFM’s early morning presenter Neil “Fazza” Faraday has unwittingly found a cure for insomnia. Basically he just talks.

LOCAL PRESENTER COMES INTO WORK TIRED; Kirstyn Read from the “real” kmfm breakfast show has come into work feeling a bit tuckered out. She blames her tiredness on Kick-Boxing and watching the BBC3 repeat of EastEnders.

OH YES ITS LADIES NIGHT AND THE FEELING IS RIGHT; Get your glad-rags on fellas, because this Thursday Folkestone Race Course is playing host to hundreds of game woman, dressed very scantily and up for a laugh, the fun begins at 3.30pm and continues until you’ve had enough.

EASTENDERS…HOW LOW WILL THEY GO; there are shockwaves resounding through our district at last night’s broadcast. Two unnamed cast members discussed “ladies waxing areas” and one of them even went as far as to show her recent trim-up to the other.

CO-HOST ACCUSES FELLOW CO-HOST OF BULLYING; KMFM’s John “Webbo” Webster has complained to management about his colleague’s constant niggling. An insider said “he went as far as to call her a control freak”. Internal affairs have been called in to mediate.

LOCAL LASS LAPS UP LOTTO LANDSLIDE; a lady we will refer to as Kirst R, as she wishes to remain anonymous, has just scooped a win on the Lotto and couldn’t be happier. She says that at the moment she has no plans as to what she will spend the tenner on.

OPEN TOP BUS PARADE ON STAND-BY; a man who’s horse impression has been described as “just like the real thing” is entering a talent competition taking place in Folkestone and hopes to bring home the first prize. A close friend said “when he wins he’s going to parade the prize around Stanhope in an open topped bus”.

WOMAN PREFER SLOBS; a recent survey states that women would rather have a hairy unfit beer bellied bloke than a handsome clean cut manicured man. Having said that, I did do the survey myself and only asked my mates.

 Tuesday, August 4

Perhaps it’s my age or perhaps my intolerance levels are subsiding, but I have to say that Neil “Fazza” Faraday was almost bearable today; the operative word in that statement is almost.

Producer Bob is back from his holiday and frankly just as useless as when he went. When I say holiday, I use that word loosely, because what he did was bike around Germany. Two things here spring to my mind, one, can going on a very long bike ride really be considered a vacation? Secondly, and I don’t want to come across as xenophobic here, why would anyone choose Germany to bike round? I just don’t understand the man. After a long and in depth “off air” debate with my colleague Kirstyn Read off the radio about if we should give him the tin-tack (sack), we ultimately decide to give him one last chance and see if he gets his finger out and it’s not long before he gets the chance to prove his worth.

After a phone call from “Jenny from the block”, a fellow ex-Stanhopian and proud of it, she poses us a question on behalf of her mother that may just swing it for him. She asks if we know who sang “It’s the end of the world”? Kirstyn unusually doesn’t know it at all, whereas I on the other hand can sing it, but don’t know the artist. We take several phone calls trying to help and the guesses range from Lena Zavoroni to The Carpenters. So as a last resort, we wake Bob from his slumber and ask for his help. Funnily enough, he knows the answer, which is Skeeter Davies. I think he remembers it because it was from 1963, which is when he celebrated his 50^th birthday. So to summarize, Bob’s job is safe for another day, but watch this space.

Is it just us, or has the lingering Peter and Jordan story been in the papers for far too long, we’ve had it up to our back teeth and have no interest in it whatsoever. However, we feel obliged to discuss as it is on the tabloid front pages yet again. I’ve lost all respect for her and so has Kirst and he has gone up in both of our estimations, because of his slightly more dignified stance. Grow up woman; you’ve got children to think about. 

Monday, August 3

It’s that time of year again, oh yes it is, no not pantomime season, even better, it’s time for the Shadoxhurst garden club’s summer fete. I may even take part this year and grow something large that I can exhibit. There is of course a personal connection because Kirstyn’s lovely and adorable Mum is part of the club. She tends to win a prize most year’s, although she is very humble in her green-fingered magic. I may have left it too late to go in for anything like “biggest marrow” or “reddest tomato” but quite fancy my chances in the “cress grow-off” as I remember doing that at school and if I say so myself, have a natural bent for it. If you want to go along for a nose, it’s at Shadoxhurst village hall on August 15.

The highlight of our combined weekend has to be the Pilgrims Hospice fete which we not only attended but were asked to open and what a privilege it was to be asked, especially when we found out that the legend that is Donald Sinden had done it before us a couple of years back. The weather had threatened to put a damper on the day and a very nasty accident on the M20 only added to the stress. But none of it could ruin an absolutely fantastic day, everyone turned up (eventually) and the rain held off until near to the end. It was a great effort by all concerned and it’s a doffed cap moment to Nigel, Linsay and all the volunteers that put on quite a spectacle.

Did anyone else down here get the infestation of bugs on Sunday? I was in Deal yesterday (I know, I was out of the “gated” community and I’m very embarrassed about it) and the place was swamped with spiders, ladybirds and other strange black insects that get in your hair, it was horrible and completely ruined my Mr Whippy ice-cream moment.

I always think you can tell a lot by people’s friends and the company they keep, that’s why I know Kirst is a good person because her friends are great. They are all very different in their own ways, but the common denominator between them, apart from Kirstyn, is that they don’t suffer fools gladly, all seem to be as hard as nails and are not backwards in coming forwards. Her friend Sam rang in today to tell us about an altercation with a builder, Clare last week had a run in with a large ignorant man in a garage incident, Alison was rather miffed with some poor entertainment over the weekend and Karen, well, you just don’t mess with her. I do like a strong woman and Kirst is surrounded by them and by the way, they’re all blooming gorgeous. Personally, I tend to hang around with friends who appear to look like the back end of a bus, hence making me stand out a bit more than I would have done. 

Friday, July 31

Once again it’s an interesting start. I’m just walking out of my house at approximately 06.20 and the phone rings; I notice it’s my friend and colleague Kirstyn Read off the radio. My first thoughts are of concern as she doesn’t ring this early normally. But what was to unfold on the back of the conversation amused me greatly and filled up the first hour of the show. Let me explain, Kirst’s car unfortunately got a bit poorly yesterday and had to go to the car doctor. After being offered various options in lent vehicles from several friends and family, she decided she would go for the two wheeled option and bike into work. But in the cold light of day, she decided against it as it seemed like too much hard work, hence the panicky phone call to me for a lift and of course I obliged.

We definitely have that Friday feeling going on in the studio and I know this because Kirstyn is actually making me laugh, legitimately. I’m not laughing at her, I’m laughing with her for a change, I think she should try humour more often as she’s actually quite good at it.

We are at the end of the day a public service, so if any of you ever get in touch with problems that need resolving, then we will endeavor to help. But I must admit we’ve never quite had a dilemma as diverse as the one Ian set us today. He asked if it was ok to deep freeze pineapples. True to our word we set you, our friends and listeners, the task of finding out, as we had no experience of freezing any kind of fruit. So our whole hearted respect and appreciation goes out to Ginny from Stanhope who informs us that it IS ok to freeze pineapples, but you must first dice it and then use all the extraneous juices to soak into the now cubed fruit and then freeze. But take warning if you are contemplating such culinary activities, you must only keep the pineapple frozen for no more than three months, job done.

KIRSTYN’S DAILY TELLING OFF OF THE DAY: I’m waffling too much.

We all love being thanked for thanking and today’s winner for that is our dear Mrs. Perkins who thanks Kirst for her thank you card.

FAVOURITE INDUSTRIAL ESTATE OF THE DAY: and today’s winner goes to….. wait for it…. Ellingham Industrial Estate.

STRANGEST KIRSTYN COMMENT OF THE DAY: “do you think I look like an Alpaca?”

Ok, so weekend events that we are attending. Kirst and my good self will be opening the Pilgrims Hospice fete at 12.00pm, so pop down and show your support. Kirst will also be handing out medals at Blue Barn riding school’s horse show on Sunday afternoon.

Have a wonderful weekend and we love you all.

Thursday, July 30

Oh no, take cover everyone, the brown stuff is most definitely going to hit the fan, I can sense it in my water. It’s just a look in Kirstyn’s eye that gives the game away and today that look is very clear. But what could it be I ask myself? Have I already done something wrong? She’s a incy-wincy bit late, so that could be the reason. I also notice that she’s got her son Jack with her, but that can’t be the why, surely? Well, thankfully it’s not me, it’s the road people who are apparently digging up Kirst’s road and she ain’t happy it, I can tell you.

I on the other hand, am very happy to get through the whole morning without anybody ringing or texting to dig me out about my team West Ham losing to Tottenham blooming Hotspurs. It doesn’t make it any better that it was only a silly little friendly game, losing to the old enemy is bad in whatever form it might be.

Kirstyn’s mood has taken an interesting twist, her anger has cooled but she’s got very bossy all of a sudden. I of course do what I’m told, as any man would whilst trying to avoid a row and in a funny kind of way, I quite enjoy being ordered around. I can’t believe I’ve just owned up to that.

The Kentish Express is out today at the very reasonable price of seventy English pennies and I highly recommend you purchase yourself a copy. Romney Marshall joins us in the studio so we can discuss a few of this week's stories. The front page is an interesting one for starters and involves a runaway road-sweeper, no rain and a four month old baby in a pushchair. The reason it’s so remarkable is because the road sweeper crashed into somebody’s garden and if it had have been a nice day, the baby would have been out there sleeping. It could have been a tragedy, but fate stepped in thankfully.

My private competition with Mr. Damian Green MP continues as we both attempt to outdo each other by getting more pictures of ourselves in the KE. This week I beat him 3-2 and I know he’ll be gutted.

And how about this for a truly remarkable coincidence. There is a picture of our night in Singleton Barn for Heather Wynter’s cycle for life presentation at which Stephanie Moore (Bobby Moore’s widow) turned up to collect the money and also in this weeks KE, my column is mainly about my all time hero, the aforementioned Bobby Moore. Well here’s the twist and thanks to Mary from Charing for this one, today is the anniversary of when England won the World Cup in 1966 and Bobby was of course the captain, what a coincidence, don’t you think?

Tuesday, July 28

It seems like every few months the tabloids uncover yet another bigamist story and I have to say that normally it’s blokes that tend to do it. I’ve never quite got the gist of it really, why would anyone want more headaches than just the one, it means double the nagging. It’s tough enough being married the once let alone five times like this particular lady has and, in fairness, she’s no oil painting, it’s beyond me it really is. It does remind me of a great quote though from Rod Stewart, who, after a bitter divorce case with his first wife said, “I’m not going to get married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house”. And while we’re on bloke quotes and the reason a lot of men get themselves in trouble, Robin (not Robbie) Williams once said “It’s unfair that God gave us (men) a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to operate one at a time”. Classic!!!

We have a phone call from a lady who asked us to send her love to her grandson who has been very brave after accidentally chopping off part of his finger, oohhh, how we winced. This got us thinking about blood and gore stories of people we know and I suppose we tried to trump each other with who had the best one. Kirst’s pales into insignificance after she regales us with her friend Karen and her secatuers incident when I tell her about my mate Dave cutting his hand open and stitching himself up with a needle and cotton and some ice to numb the area. I certainly DO NOT recommend this under any circumstances.

We’ve done it before and I’m sure we’ll do it again, but we both forget the title track music from Indiana Jones, mainly because we get sidetracked by humming either Superman or indeed Star Wars, they are all so very similar, give it a go I dare you. Thankfully our dear friend Edward puts us out of our misery by ringing in and playing it down the phone, bless him. Having said that, I’ve forgotten it already.

STUPID LYRIC OF THE DAY; Westlife's “Flying Without Wings” contains the lyric “I am strong when I am on your shoulders”, blooming ridiculous.

I can’t help but mock Louis Hurst’s new fitness campaign that he is doing in conjunction with the wonderful Stour Centre. But then Kirst tells me I’m being smug, but when you have snake-like hips like mine, you can’t help but be a bit smug.   

Monday, July 27

He we go again, diving headlong into the week with anticipation and a great deal of gusto. It’s always interesting catching up with my bud after the weekend as we always have such diverse experiences to share.

Kirstyn has had three of her son Jack’s friends round for a sleepover and seems to have come away from it almost unscathed. There seems to have been a bit of an uproar at 2300 hours and after popping into the bedroom herself to cease the constant merriment and get them off to sleep, things weren’t going according to plan, so what does one do? I’ll tell you what you do, you call in the heavy artillery and in this case, that comes in the shape of Auntie Karen who nobody messes with. Honestly, if she came into my bedroom and told me to pipe down, I certainly would, spit-spot.

Kirst also managed to fit in a bit of Create down at Victoria Park and was very impressed with what she saw and heard, as indeed were most of you that I spoke to.

My Friday night was a bit special! I went to Singleton Barn to help in the handing over of the cheque that was from the Heather Wynter Cycle for Life. 23 grand was raised in all, which is phenomenal. The Beating Bowel Cancer trust and The Bobby Moore Fund were the grateful recipients of the money and Bobby’s widow Stephanie came down to say her thanks and what a pleasure it was to meet her and what a great night was had by all.

There was of course a bit of a random conversation chucked into the middle of the music and mayhem. A listener texted in to say how she was attacked by a seagull in Cornwall. This led on to me talking about Alfred Hitchcocks film The Birds, which basically took the stance that if all the birds got together, they could take over the world. I also make reference to the fact the seagulls do seem to be getting more aggressive. Kirst chips in and says that ants could also take over the world if indeed they got together and attacked. Personally, I’d rather go one on one with a seagull as opposed to an ant and Kirst concedes. This however gets “Crazy Colin” (listener) thinking and he reckons that it would be so much worse if it was snails. We’ll leave it there I think.

Finally, me and Kirst reflect after the show on how well and seamlessly it went, but we couldn’t quite put our finger on why. We then realize that producer Bob is on holiday and all becomes crystal clear.   

Friday July 24

I know, and if I’m honest I just can’t help myself. I had no intention of digging out Neil Faraday this morning in the first link of the day. I was merely explaining what was coming up in my usual way and happened to mention that the weather outside was a bit dull, that led me to follow up with “talking of dull, thanks to Neil Faraday for the early breakfast show”, it just slipped out, I swear. 

Kirstyn is bubbling over with her youthful exuberance this morning on the back of a very good and successful night down at Folkestone racecourse, where they held the Essential Eighties party night. She turned out in full 80s regalia with her friends, danced the night away and hosted some 80s style party games. Before all that, she had a bit of a wager and won the princely sum of £16. After congratulating her on the win, the moment was blighted by finding out it was only a three horse race and she bet on two of them, surely that’s not fair. 

The other interesting thing about Kirst’s night out is that she has acquired a file, yes, a file and she looks very official walking around with it under her arm. I’m rather tempted to push the boat out and add one to my ensemble. Not sure if I’d pull it off in the same way though. I’m more of a trainers, shorts, t-shirt and Daily Star in my side pocket kind of guy I think. 

Last night was spent at Ashford Boxing Club’s new gymnasium. They’ve been there a while but this was the official opening and they got two (apart from myself of course) very distinguished guests to help with the festivities, namely Damian Green MP and boxing legend Barry McGuigan, two of the nicest people you are ever likely to meet. I opened the proceedings with my own boxing anecdote, which if I say so myself, went down very well. I won’t bore you with it now, but in a nutshell, it was to do with me trying to achieve the “boxer's look” when I was 15. You know the look, chiseled chin, raised cheekbones and a slightly flattened nose, the girls love it. Anyway, after four sparring sessions, I realised it wasn’t worth the pain so I stuck with my double chin, sunken cheekbones and fat nose and became an “armchair fan” instead. 

RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY: Isn’t it amazing that while going through all the grief of losing a “close friend” in Michael Jackson, Uri Geller manages to get more airtime on TV than he’s had over the last 20 years. Shut up and go and bend some forks Uri. 

PRODUCER BOB’S MOMENT OF THE WEEK: While deliberating on the difference between men and women, Bob comes out with the classic line that the reason that their feet (women that is) are smaller than ours, is so they can stand nearer to the sink and the cooker. His words, not mine. 

Our list of people’s names with local place names in them is growing. To add to Leah Ashford and Stewart Kingsnorth, we now have Pat Singleton. This could run and run. 

I’m off to Singleton Barn tonight (Friday) to help hand over £23,000 to The Bobby Moore fund from the Heather Wynter Cycle for Life bike ride and disco after so you are all more than welcome too. But if you’re staying in, why don’t you listen to Kirstyn’s Essential Eighties show from 7pm to midnight. It really is brilliant. 

Have a wonderful weekend whatever you’re up to.

Thursday July 23

We get off to a strange start again as one of Kirstyn’s loyal listeners rings in to complain about motorway gantry signs. It’s a fair and valid point I suppose, they are a bit dull. I mean “23 minutes to Ashford” isn’t awe inspiring. Perhaps the powers that be could inject a bit of humour.

In a recent survey (Kirst is really getting into her surveys these days) it says that a man would rather swim with sharks than propose marriage, well I am married but wish I’d gone for a swim.

It's Kentish Express review with “Rommers” day and we talk about the policeman caught on YouTube removing a clamp from an unmarked police car with bolt-cutters, naughty boy. You really must purchase this week's paper especially if you have kids because it’s got a KE Fun Club supplement with it, which will give you all sorts of ideas for the holidays and lots of discounts.

IRRATIONAL HATRED OF THE DAY: Kirstyn doesn’t care for musicals in the slightest, film or stage versions. Mickey C, one of our listeners, rang in to try to convince her otherwise but it rather falls on deaf ears.

We chat down the phone to a Marine, who with two of his mates will be cycling from Lands End to John O Groats for the Help for Heroes charity.

SWEEPING STATEMENT OF THE DAY: Romance is dead and there are no eligible bachelors left in Ashford, Tenterden or surrounding areas. Not my words I hasten to add.

Wednesday, July 22

Oh I do so love it when Neil "Fazza" Faraday, who does the early breakfast show, cocks-up, in fairness it’s not on a regular basis, but when he does I do like to make him suffer. For some strange reason, he decided to lock himself out of his studio. There is to date, no rhyme or reason but there will be, I can guarantee, a full no holds barred investigation into the activities that led up to the event in question. I have a very heavy book that I WILL throw at him if there have been any misdemeanors, trust me. We will not tolerate slackness in the workplace and the least we’ll do is leave him with a flea in his ear.

Great excitement erupts in the studio when I reveal to Kirstyn that a very special Talent is due to appear in Ashford. If I say Britain, what do you say? (At this stage, if you have never watched Britain’s Got Talent, you’ll be wondering what the heck I’m talking about). That’s right, you say Talent. The man himself D.J. Talent is doing a public appearance at Liquid in August and I’m gutted because it’s a night only for the under 18’s. But we will endeavor to get him, the man, the legend, on the show.

FAVOURITE FIRE-PLACES: Not sure about you, but mine has to be an Inglenook.

I’m very excited as I’ve just found out that on Friday night at Singleton Barn (from 6pm onwards) when we hand over the charity money raised from Heather Wynter’s Cycle for Life bike ride, which is nearly £23,000, the lady collecting it is none other than the widow of my all-time hero, Stephanie Moore. That’s right; Sir Bobby Moore’s wife will be here to collect the cheque in honour of his charity. There will be a disco afterwards to celebrate the fact and everyone is welcome.

We discuss curvaceous women, after Kirst sees a survey out in the paper says that men prefer your kind of Beyonce and Kate Winslett type figure rather than a skinny girl. Couldn’t agree more and it would seem you would go along with that also.

My Curtis Stigers impersonation seems to go down very well, not that Kirstyn would agree.

What a laugh, someone rings up in the "any chance of putting my record on" hour and asks for Ray Stevens 'The Streak', oh so many memories come flooding back and you all seem to get behind it, so thank you.

Tuesday July 21

Well I’ve just about got over the excesses of my weekend, only just mind. Yesterday was a bit of a blur, but it turns out that Kirstyn was taking advantage of my state. Apparently, she was taking the mickey a bit but it must have gone over my head, but most of what she says does anyway. 

There is something different about Kirstyn today, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m sure it will come to me though.

INTERESTING FACT OF THE DAY - Kirstyn’s friend Sam likes the Noisettes as well as her.

OK, I’ve worked it out, she’s painted her fingernails blue, I knew I’d get it eventually.

For some strange reason Kirstyn seems intrigued enough about cricket to ask me questions about it, what a result. I ‘m so excited about the fact that we beat the Aussies yesterday, but didn’t think for a minute that I’d be allowed to mention it. It kind of turns a bit sour though after I try to explain the rules and get shot down in flames.

While on the subject of sport, I’m going down to Ashford Boxing Club’s official opening of their new premises, which is on the old site of the Ashford South School down Jemmett Road. I’ll be joined by my old mate Damian Green MP and boxing legend Barry McGuigan. The ceremony starts at 7pm this coming Thursday and everyone is welcome to pop down and have a look round. The kids will put on a display of sparring and shadow boxing as well as a skipping demonstration by Levi Smith which has to be seen to be believed, it’s phenomenal.

And while we’re at it, don’t forget The Essential Eighties Race Night at Folkestone Racecourse. You can get tickets on the door, but if you want, you can pre book, just click onto our website and follow the link.

Monday July 20

Oh dear, I think I may have overdone it a smidge. And I quite literally did overdo it this morning and bowled up late, which I hate with a passion. It is the first time in two years mind you. Fortunately my beautiful co-host Ms Kirstyn Read was here on time and held the fort. In fairness I was a busy boy over the weekend as I was hosting Ashford’s Festival in The Park, I think the smoke machine that was pumping throughout may have affected my voicebox and it took about three hours this morning before I could actually say anything, but think Kirst quite enjoyed the peace and tranquility. I’ve got to say that in the three years I’ve been involved that this year was my favorite. The majority of the credit has to go to Edward Lockett for his unrelenting passion in bringing live and local music to Ashford and long may it continue. It’s even more remarkable when you take into consideration that it gets absolutely no funding AND it makes a profit that all goes to charity. The helpers that give up their time for free are too numerous to mention, but thay certainly deserve to have mine and your imaginary caps doffed in honour of their unstinting efforts. 

Before it all started on Saturday I was at the fantastic Julie Rose Stadium where the junior athletic club was holding their annual competition. I’m so pleased that I managed to attend as I think we are so blessed to have such an arena in our own back garden. I got through 180 handshakes as I dished out the medals to all the kids that took part. Jackie Snare who runs the show deserves a medal herself for putting on the event and once again she is supported by a great network of helpers, so my hat is tipped in your direction also.

It’s not all about me though, Kirst has also had a full-on weekend. On Saturday night she took part in a fund-raising quiz night at The Riverside pub at the bottom of Torrington Road. Like my weekend, it was a labour of love for her as she does adore a quiz. She came fourth out of nine teams, which is no mean feat as the questions were set by a school teacher. Then she was off round her mate’s house for a barbecue on Sunday whilst her mum and dad babysat her dog Cash, who managed to liberate himself from his granddad’s leash and make a bolt for the fishmongers.

We’re back again tomorrow of course and, hopefully, my voice will be back to full speed, though I’m not sure if Kirst will necessarily welcome that.  

Friday July 17

I get the distinct impression that Kirstyn thinks I’m a bit mad, have you ever noticed that yourselves? This particular instance is because I inform her that I spent a couple of hours in my garden shed watching the storm last night. It’s quite logical when you think about it really. I can’t see the sky above the houses from the front room, didn’t want to leave the curtains open in the bedroom, so the only other option was the shed. In fairness, it’s a great shed, quite large in size and it’s where I keep my “comfy” chair. So off I poddled with my cup of tea and sat there and watched the storm unfold in front of my very eyes, it was amazing.

We end up getting into a chat about lightening conductors and Kirstyn wonders if my shed would act as a good enough conductor. I then bamboozle her by informing her that it wasn’t as good a conductor as Andre Previn, which sails calmly over her pretty head. Just in case anyone else is in the dark about my Andre Previn reference, he was one of the world's greatest orchestra conductors, well it amused me anyway. 

Me and Kirstyn may have struck gold with a phenomenal idea for the singles of the world. We start a “love train” that leaves from Ashford International and just keeps going until the love has spread throughout. It’s much better than your run-of-the-mill singles clubs, don’t you think? And you can make it one of those overnight trains so love really will be in the air. And on that point, we could franchise the idea and get the “love plane” off the ground. See what I’ve done there?

Finally, we talk to my old mate Edward Lockett, who is the brain and indeed the brawn behind this weekend's Ashford Festival In The Park. It’s a free concert that starts at 2pm on Saturday and Sunday. You will find it in the field between the Stour Centre and Liquid Nightclub and there is the added bonus of a funfair to boot, plus food stalls, a beer tent and a Pimm’s tent. I’m co-hosting the event with the lovely Debbie Dawson who, like Kirst, keeps me in tow. Please do come down and join in the merriment.

Have a wonderful weekend whatever you’re up to and we’ll be back again on Monday.

Thursday, July 16

It’s international Juggling Day today; well that’s what producer Bob tells us anyway. He does have his uses you know, although he does struggle to keep his balls in the air throughout the show as he takes the whole thing much too seriously.

Fancy a day out at Thorpe Park? Coach and entry ticket available for twenty quid, which I think is very reasonable. That’s all down to Great Chart and Singleton Youth Club who are putting on the gig. It’s this Saturday and the coach leaves at 8.00 a.m.and returns at 8.00 p.m. If you would like to go, then call 07939 901128 and leave a message for Michelle. Parents are invited and kids 11plus can go on their own.

We’re off to Charing Primary School as soon as we finish, handing over a giant cheque with Vic Reeves and his wife Nancy. I love handing over giant cheque’s. It’s almost as much fun as opening a shop or building by cutting a ribbon with some comedy giant scissors.

There is an interesting moment when Kirstyn owns up to having a mental block. I must admit, I didn’t notice it, perhaps that’s because I see them on a regular basis and I’ve become immune.

So my big chance arrives as Kirstyn has to leave for an hour to watch her son Jack’s leaving assembly at Willesborough Infant School. You are all very sweet and nurture me through my time alone. I got a couple of calls discussing my column in the Kentish Express, where I reminisce about the old Dusty’s days. But the calls were more to do about my reference to Showaddywaddy and when they played the Stour Centre back in the 70s, it obviously sparked a few memories in you all. Tony called in and said that Mud actually played at Kempton Manor, can’t believe I missed out on them; Tiger Feet has to be in my top ten all time faves.

Kirstyn arrives back just in the nick of time for "put my record on" or "ANY CHANCE" as we sometimes refer to it. It does get very busy and I’m not sure if I could have coped on my own, so seeing her was a welcome relief.

Wednesday, July 14

I’m certainly not above criticism and not infallible by any stretch of the imagination to cock ups or annoyances as you might have noticed over the years but Kirstyn has some incredible little quirks and foibles that can sometimes leave me speechless.

Now they are certainly too numerous to mention and may I also point out that they are generally very cute and endearing. The one I am talking about in this instance you will not be privy to when listening but thought I’d share it anyway. What she tends to do is ask me a question, then as I am in the middle of answering the question she has set me, she puts her headphones on and shouts “I can’t hear you”. OK, it may be trivial, but after the 75th time, it wears you down.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF TODAY: Today’s young farmers are tomorrow's old ones.

It’s our ever popular CREDIT MUNCH competition which this week is at the even more popular Smarden Bell, in Smarden. It’s a three-course meal for 4 with a bottle of plonk chucked in. if you want to enter simply text 81800, start your message with MUNCH then NAME then POSTCODE and good luck.

We have another star in our midst. Nick Boylan who has been winning gold medals for Britain on a regular basis in the disabled swimming circuit for years, managed to bag himself a world record in the 4 x 100 meters medley. Many congrats to you and your team-mates.

Staying on the sporting theme, congrats and commiserations to Kennington Junior School who were just pipped to the post in the Kent Primary football cup. But they did get there, where 130 other schools failed, hats off.

I pop outside for a while to chat with some “virtual bike-riders” who are our next door neighbors at Barclays Bank. They are “virtually” biking 157 miles to raise money for UK hospices, that’s another hats off. The same hat can be doffed to three young men who actually biked 1000 miles to Barcelona to raise cash for the Bobby Moore Fund, well done Tom, Danny and Laurence.

We had the biggest ever response ever everly to our Cineworld competition, over 100 of you entered to try to win two pairs on unlimited tickets for a year. Thank you for entering, commiserations to the majority of you and well done to Stef and Mandy for nailing the prizes.

Tuesday, July 14

I advise Kirstyn that if she is going to carry on being a bit late, then she will have to up the ante on her excuses. Now I do know that she has a lot of juggling to do in the morning, what with not just getting herself ready but also her son Jack prepared and ready for school and round to the baby-sitter, so I do understand her dilemma. But she really needs to stop blaming him and come up with something more entertaining, like a forest fire for instance. I don’t want to bemoan her because I quite enjoy my knob-pressing time on my own, perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut.

We then find out how the “birthday girls” day went after leaving me at the pub. Ice Age 3 is definitely a flick to catch at Cineworld over the summer holidays by all accounts and then she went back to her friend’s house for a soiree (think she means a barbecue) and more present receiving. I’ve decided to give her a bit of leeway for the rest of the week, as I always like to have a “birthday week” personally and she deserves a break from my ribbing.

We will be giving tickets away for next Thursday’s kmfm's Essential Eighties race night at Folkestone race course, so keep listening out for that tomorrow. The music won’t start until after the races have finished of course, we wouldn’t want the jockeys getting on their high horses.

My middle-aged crisis continues to pick up speed with a great momentum. I was down at Sandyacres on Sunday for my veterans football match and some teenagers overheard somebody call me Webbo. I was made up when they all seemed rather excited to have met me, that was until I went back into the bar after the game. I still had a swagger in my step from my recognition and then Ernie the landlord informed me that when I’d left earshot, they remarked on how old I was, I was crestfallen.

A few other subjects broached today were, Arlene Phillips being sacked from Strictly Come Dancing. The Ali G in Da House film that was on TV last night and then the summer holidays for the kids, which we're all dreading. OK, probably not the kids and the teachers or anyone that drives for a living because the roads are so clear, but working parents are certainly dreading the thought of how to entertain them for seven blooming weeks, I ask you.

Monday, July 13

It would be unjust of me to use up this space by banging on about anything other than my co-host, colleague, friend and confidante Ms. Kirstyn Read esq. as we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of one of the nicest people it’s been my privilege to meet.

She didn’t want too much of a fuss made, so we all made a massive fuss of her and she deserves every bit of the love and respect that was sent in.

There were flowers, wooden ducks, underwear, hats, bags, CDs, tanning lotion and a lady-shave to name just a few of the presents that were showered on her. You could feel the love in the studio from all of you and hopefully that feeling was reciprocated to you out there through the air-waves because the feeling is mutual. There were only tears of happiness today (as opposed to me upsetting her) and none more so than when Kirst’s son Jack rang in to say happy birthday.

So just to touch on what else we got up to over the weekend, well firstly we went down to Haguelands Village to officially open it and what a great place that’s going to be to take the kids during the summer holidays. We had a boys versus girls race through the Maize Maze and the boys came out on top even though Karen (Kirst’s friend) had a fool-proof way of getting out. To cut a long story short, they completely cheated, but were rumbled much to their embarrassment, that will learn them.

I had another right result as well, as last night my veteran’s league football team that come under the ridiculous name Wrinkly Rovers, won the cup final in a glorious manner. OK, it wasn’t that glorious as we luckily scraped through on penalties, but that’s not the point, our name is now on the cup and nobody remembers the runners-up, trust me I know because that has been us for the last five years.

So I’ll sign off by wishing Kirstyn all the very best and hope she has a great day. I believe she is taking friends and kids to watch Ice Age 3 at Cineworld and in the mean time I think I might take her out for half a lager shandy down the local hostelry and might even stretch to a cheese and tomato roll if she’s a good girl.

Friday, July 10

There's so much going on this weekend, but nothing surely as exciting as the bikini car wash taking place tomorrow (Saturday) at The Bull in Bethersden.

I asuggest that perhaps Kirstyn pops out and joins in as she nearly always wears her bikini into work (of course she has never done this before, ever, but I thought it might raise a few male temperatures at the very idea).

 My suggestion of me going along in my Borat style “mankini” is rather frowned on, which I find a bit insulting.

Kirstyn, as you know can be a mite late every now again, so I have control of the studio for approximately 5 minutes and get to push all the knobs and buttons, but never, I repeat never, has she allowed me to push a single button when she is in close proximity.

 Well today she did allow me that honour and I feel very privileged, although I wasn’t allowed to talk, which kind of took the edge off it frankly.

We have a phone call from two lovely young ladies - nine and eleven (strange names) who want to wish their dad a happy birthday, nothing remarkable about that I hear you shout. And you would be right to shout that out, that is of course until you hear them talk. Because if there was a competition for talking simultaneously, then these two would win hands down. It was quite spooky and it didn’t matter what questions I fired at them, the answer came back twofold, it’s as if we had rehearsed it.

RANDOM QUESTION; Is Big Brother still on the TV and does anyone care?

After Billy Oceans 'Get out of my dreams and into my car', Kirstyn and I ponder on this scenario briefly and decide NOT to recommend that you take part in such frivolities, especially when it comes to strangers.

Producer Bob has come in looking like it’s his turn to go off for a game of golf, in fact he might as well go as he does absolutely nothing to help the show! Having said that, he comes up with a brilliant piece of trivia. Did you know that women spend over a year of their lives “getting ready”, no shock there then. I’ve known some take over a year to get ready for one night out.

Once again we’re out and about this weekend. We’ve been giving away family tickets all week for Haguelands Village which is opening officially this weekend and myself and Kirst are there to join in the fun and games and we can’t blooming wait. Check out their website for details of how to get there and come along, go on, indulge yourselves.

 

Wednesday, July 8

Kirstyn has entered the studio in a very boisterous mood and immediately starts “giving it all that” and we are off to a flying start.

With Michael Jackson’s classic “Thriller” imminent on our play-list, I start to rehearse my dance which won me second prize at Pontin's holiday camp in the under fourteens dance competition in 1976. I was actually only going to the toilet. If only we had a web-cam in the studio, it might just give you an insight into what happens when the records are playing.

Kirstyn has a talent for making me paranoid about the clothes that I wear. Yesterday I felt really bad as I was going to a funeral where it was requested that we wore something pink. I stuck a pair of suit trousers on and a pink polo shirt thinking I was looking pretty smart until she told me it looked like I was off for a game of golf. I immediately dashed round the corner to purchase a real bona-fide shirt that cost me fifteen quid, for my paranoia. Today she spotted a minute spot on my white T-shirt and started making a proper fuss. So off I went to the toilet to try and remove it with a Brillo pad, only to make the matter worse. Why she has this effect on me I’ll never know.

Richard Adams has bought a new vacuum cleaner for the studio and Kirstyn is horrified that I decide to do it when we’re on air, honestly she’s no fun sometimes.

Whilst doing “man duties” around the office, namely changing the water barrel on the water dispenser, I manage to injure my index finger on my right hand and there is blood involved. After checking with Sarah from the office if I can have a plaster for my poorly finger, she tells me I have to fill out a form because if I have an allergic reaction to the plaster, I could sue the company. It’s just another case of those stupid Health and Safety busy bodies that obviously have nothing better to do with their time than wind us all up with there ridiculous rules and regulations. Anyway, like the true hero I am I soldier on through the rest of the show, even after a considerable amount of blood loss. O.K., I’m exaggerating, but you get my point.

RANDOM THOUGHT FOR THE DAY; why is abbreviation such a long word?

RANDOM QUESTION FOR THE DAY; why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?  

Tuesday, July 7

Hello, it’s Kirstyn writing today as Webbo has had to slip away this morning…

Started this morning with a chat about my son-shine Jack! As he’d been to his dad’s all weekend, I said as a special treat he could stay in my bed! Great idea until I climb in and find him lying diagonally across the bed – had to hoof him outta the way just to get in myself! It’s a kingsize bed and he has very long legs already!

It’s time for him to have a haircut, much to his disgust and the protests start! It’s to no avail and I will be paying to get his barnet tidied up!

We play Bruce Springsteen and debate how they would’ve got ‘The Boss’ to get off the stage after he over ran at Glasto this year.

What’s great about Kent? We discuss. I like the rolling countryside! Let us know your views online at our website kmfm.co.uk

I roll out my wedding song yet again and Webbo does his bored expression. Have no idea why! If it ever happens, I intend to make it the best day of my life EVER! It could be this year – you never know! I really do live in hope but am NOT, repeat NOT desperate!

Webbo’s delighted as a new bandwagon rolls into the gated community for him to jump on – this time it’s cricket (yawn) as England take on the Aussies…dullsville here we come!

And finally sniffing things – be careful! It’s after a text warning goes round the gated community about an incident in a car park where a customer was approached and offered perfume for sale. The seller asks the customer to sniff to try – but BEWARE as the perfume ain’t perfume and the seller is a CONMAN! Basically don’t buy anything from anyone in a car park.

Til tomorrow friends…

Monday, July 6

What a weekend fun and sun wise! So many highlights, but so little space to tell you all about them, so I will try to put them in to a little nutshell for you. First off though, Kirstyn has come in with a bit of headache, so I’m treading on eggshells (seems to be a bit of a SHELL theme forming here). She is a true professional though and if she hadn’t of mentioned it, we would never have known.

So, me and Kirst turned up at 11.45 prompt at East Stour School for the opening of their fate which was very well attended indeed and the organizers should be very proud of themselves. We then went our own separate ways.

Kirst headed off to the Hop Farm in Paddock Wood to watch a festival of music that was headlined by The Fratellis and it sounds as if she had a whale of a time. I on the other hand went to the John Wesley School for their fete. Thank you all for making me feel welcome and my particular highlight was to get to go inside Flora, the giant of Singleton. You must have seen her at some stage, you can hardly miss her standing at 10 foot tall. I should point out that it’s not an actual person, it’s a model and I got to carry her around. I left there and shot down to The Wyvern School where they were holding The Invicta Valliants football awards. I met up with the Mayor, Cllr John Holland and our very own MP Damian Green. If you’re not aware, the Valliants club is set up for children with disabilities and what amazing work the organisers do. It was once again a pleasure to be involved in and loved meeting up with the kids and parents alike.

I didn’t necessarily jump on Roger Federer's band wagon on Sunday, more fell on to it accidentally. You have to admire the man's dominance of the sport and he definitely deserves a doff of my imaginary hat.

We start our Haguelands Farm competition which is to win five family tickets a day all week as we launch its opening on Saturday and Kirst and I will be there to join in with the festivities and get lost in the giant Maize Maze. Keep listening for your chance to win all week and a simple text could earn you the right to join us. If you don’t yet know how to text us, it’s 81800 and start your message with kmfm and then your message. While I’m at it, stick this number in your phone memory just in case, it’s 01233 610761 and that puts you straight through to the studio.

I hope your weekends were as fulfilling as ours.  

Friday, July 3

Thursday, July 2

What a blooming scorcher! It was already boiling hot as I made my way to work at 6.15 this morning, down Hythe Road and up Mace Lane, it’s like working in Spain. So because of that, I will be having a couple of beers in a minute and back home for a siesta, followed by tapas and a bucket of sangria.

Kirstyn has jumped up next to me on my “tennis bandwagon” and seems to be rather enjoying the ride. She even has a tennis question that she poses. It’s not that tough in fairness, but I like the cut of her jib. The question was what nationality is Roger Federer? He is of course Swiss, which then begs the question, what else has come out of Switzerland of any worth. We come up with Toblerone, Swiss army knives and cuckoo clocks and….. No, that’s about it unless of course you know better. Kirstyn then gets a bit confused about where Switzerland is, so she adds Abba to the list as well as Stella Artois, which are Sweden and Belgium respectively.

Sarah 'Romney' Marshall pops in as it's Thursday and starts by regaling us with her Glastonbury stories. Her highlights were Blur, Dizzee Rascal and The Specials, in that order.

Then we review the Kentish Express and the front page spread is about a local councillor accused of making racist comments on Facebook. We then give a mention to Alison King who unfortunately lost her fight for life against cancer. And we finish off with an award winning carer, namely Gwen Sharpin who is 79 and still going strong.

And a couple of random snippets to finish off with. We ponder on if The Saturdays would have been as successful if they were called The Wednesdays. And my favourite shape is a triangle whereas Kirstyn prefers an oblong.

There is a news report talking about a blanket ban on knives being carried, which I completely agree with. It has got to be a zero tolerance on knives if we are ever to eradicate this horrendous culture.

Not to make light of the previous subject, but it got me thinking about if blankets were banned, would it be a blanket blanket ban?

It turns out that Ashford was narrowly missed by a tornado on Saturday night. There are some incredible pictures on the website, so check them out.

Kirstyn had a busy day yesterday; first of all she went to see her son Jack at his Willesborough Infant School sports day, her first ever and what a proud Mum she was as he strode casually to victory in the 100 metres, bless. The egg and spoon race wasn’t quite as successful and he only managed the runner-up spot, major disappointment all round. Then she was off to the preview of the new “Bruno” film with 150 of our listeners. It sounds absolutely hysterical, but it’s also one of those things you’ve got to be there for I think. Her friend Clare who went with her, rung up to reminisce and after a while it got a tad tedious, no disrespect intended of course.

I always like to get out of the studio at any given opportunity, so when we hear about a broken down bus on Mace Lane, I can’t get there quick enough. Turns out it was a false alarm and it was just picking up from the girls school, still, I manage to get a few beeps from our car listeners which always cheers me along.

Kirstyn is starting to stress about her impending birthday on July 13^th and has asked me to inform the office staff that rather than buy her a present and a card, just make a donation to the RSPCA, I ask you, what is she like? Can you imagine the carnage when she turns up on her birthday morning and she gets nothing?

It’s all about Kirst this morning as she is left absolutely flabbergasted when her Mother reveals something that happened to her over a decade ago. Very casually and matter of factly, she throws into the conversation that she went to see Jacko live on his Dangerous tour. I think this may scar the poor girl for life and she immediately seeks revenge by trying to buy some Cliff Richard tickets (her Mum’s fave) to see how she likes it.   

Tuesday, June 30

We are always so very grateful when you get in touch to let us know about traffic hot-spots around our area, it’s like a team effort - you tell us and we tell everyone else. Today, for instance, thanks to one of our intrepid watchful team members, we were able to inform you about some sheep that had made a run for it and tried to gain their liberty. We weren’t trying to grass them up or return them to whence they came, it’s their choice, and we just wanted to ensure they weren’t injured or you were held up. It didn’t last long and as Kirstyn said, they soon moved on to pastures new.

Kirstyn used a couple of words today that I found to be interesting. I won’t put them in context, because I’m not sure if they were used thus. But they were SIDLE and CURT, brilliant.

It has come to our attention that a certain amount of 20p pieces that have recently been made are faulty and because of this, they are worth a damn sight more, 50 quid to be exact. So check your change and if your new 20p doesn’t have a date on it, you’re quids in.

I’m a big fan of jumping on band-wagons. Last year I decided to jump on the Formula 1 bandwagon, especially Lewis Hamilton’s, before that I couldn’t really have cared less. I have now of course switched wagons and I’m currently riding on Jenson Button’s. But last night I switched over yet again a got up onto the Andy Murray wagon which is really picking up speed. And isn’t it funny that he has now become BRITISH instead of SCOTTISH, we’re so fickle.

The Brits' greatest gripe has to be the weather. Too cold, too windy, too wet and of course now it’s too hot. Personally I don’t subscribe to this, the hotter the better but please do be careful out there.

The Winkle Club, which I’m proud to be attached to, have a music quiz up The Swan in Great Chart on Friday night. Come along and support if you can, there is a BBQ, a raffle and if you want to play, it’s a tenner for a team of four, ring 01233 623250.

Monday, June 29

No rest for the wicked, as my muvver likes to say. Another weekend and another load of public appearances, but we genuinely love it. Kirstyn bowled along to the windmill in Hythe Road for a dog show which went very well by all account, even in the steaming hot weather that engulfed us on Sunday. The dogs and owners were all very well behaved, that is except for Kirst’s friend Karen and her dog Chance, who by the way is Kirst’s dog Cash’s cousin, who got a bit over-excited and weed everywhere.

I went down to the Godinton Primary School fete and what a magnificent turn out there was. It was so nice to meet so many of you listeners, I love you all. The highlight of the day had to be the helicopter raffle. The winner and his family were whisked off by car to Eastwell Manor, where the chopper was parked and taken up for a ride and a fly past over the school, what a laugh!

The other thing I got up to was helping present the Festival in the Park launch party at Liquid Nightclub. It wasn’t a massive turn out but the people who did make the effort were entertained thoroughly. We had the fastest ukulele player in Britain, a family group called The Scott Brunger Band, some wonderful belly dancers, DJ Adam White and the brilliant Fundamental Skillz. A great night had by all and big thanks to Edward Lockett, the brains behind the bash. Don’t forget, the festival is on the 18th and 19th of July in North Park by the Stour Centre.

Other interesting weekend highlights include. Kirstyn having her eyebrows threaded. I have no idea what that means, even after it being explained to me.

We have discovered a new club in Town, this one is called Bonjour Ashford, this has to be up there with my favorite organization, The Winkle Club.

Two new members of the “gated community” are born and we welcome them with open arms, so please put your hands together for Bradley Button and Abigail-Mae Fairman, both a healthy 9lb and a few ounces.