Grieving family of Tony Farmer traumatised at 'swiped' tributes

thursa wrote:

Reading all these comments made me laugh wats life all about? and yes who needs to watch soaps with all this !!! a good soap would be ."Louise its all about ME"

09 Sep 2010 4:14 PM

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Robin wrote:

@Jennifer: Where did you crawl out from with your profound insight into what people need? What do you know about what we have been through? "Open yourself up"...what pure drivel.If we are heartless then you really are brainless. Go back to Emmerdale...............
When you have nothing to say: say NOTHING.

07 Sep 2010 3:58 PM

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Jennifer wrote:

To Louise Farmer: I understand how you feel but it appears that some of the heartless people here have never gone through such an awful experience. Open yourself up, if you've got something to say then say it, don't hold back, it'll make you feel better!

07 Sep 2010 1:22 PM

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Robin wrote:

Let us not forget also that some of these children also "grow-up" and they drink and they drive and people get killed, often innocent people.

07 Sep 2010 9:19 AM

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Anthony wrote:

Louise Farmer: YOU HAVE "GOT IT OUT THERE".Your message has been clearly received by all readers who understand what you want to say.It's time you stopped writing comments and repeating the same thing.I am sure your brother would approve if you let the matter lie. Don't let it become a soap-opera.

07 Sep 2010 9:14 AM

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louise farmer wrote:

its got nothing to do with how he died or any of that this is why i get so confused with u lot is not just flowers there was onli one bunch there is all the other bits it would be a different story if the people would have put his bits in a box an in there gaurage or shed im more dissapointed in every one in how they find the utter disragrd to do throw them in the bin i dont care about any of the other stuff surrounding it its just the lack of respect and after talking to other families that have had the same thing happen an feel an express the same dissapointment and shock i can sleep easy at night knowing that i have got it out there that people act with such a lack of regard to each other no wonder children are growing up abusing each other causing disturbances to people and the prison rate for young people is on the rise but hey i know i was brought up respecting people and there possetions regardless of the surcomstancess

05 Sep 2010 4:54 PM

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shameful wrote:

Reading all these comments louise is utter shameful on your part please let your brother rest in peace ,its not all about you im afraid .HOW DO YOU IMAGINE YOUR POOR PARENTS FEEL LOSING THEIR SON its not fair to keep dragging Tonys name through the mud , it was only flowers louise ,he knows your all care and love him ,like he looks down and loves you all . god bless

04 Sep 2010 5:55 PM

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Martin wrote:

Lee, Your comment merits a certain contempt. Respect for these "poor sods" losing their life....He was a drunken driver, a dangerous menace on the roads! What if someone had been a victim of his imprudence. Just another poor sod? What would you have said about a "dead child molester"? Would that be another "poor sod" meriting our respect and compassion? Regardless of circumstances?
Drivel.

04 Sep 2010 8:50 AM

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Robin wrote:

0 Louise: It's sad that you wish us to "go through the same as you are going through". Where is your compassion? Of course we have been through these tragedies, often far worse, but we don't blame the rest of the world for our misery.Nor do we go on and on about it. Your brother had been drinking and we aren't talking about a shandy.HE caused his own death, no one else. We aren't to blame. Find whoever took away the floral tributes and tell THEM what you think. Now give us all a break and grieve in private. It's getting rather obscene to read your blabbering.Our sympathy is wearing thin.

04 Sep 2010 8:39 AM

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Stuart wrote:

Clearly we don't have a clue Louise and with your bitter agression, we are beginning to not care. You are driving any remaining compassion away. CLEARLY you need help, but you refuse. WHY? Too hard? Easier to rant and rave on the Web. Would your son be proud to read you?: or is all this giving you something to fill your time? It's time to stop, you are defeating your own cause.I shall now duck before the next onslaught.

04 Sep 2010 8:29 AM

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Tilly wrote:

Louise - get a grip my dear. You come across so angry. The only thing I can say about this story having read about it for the first time is how everyone seems to forget that your brother caused his own death by drink driving. It was fortunate that no-one else was killed during his selfish antics. Put yourself in the shoes of people who have lost loved ones to the likes of your beloved brother.

04 Sep 2010 2:10 AM

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louise farmer wrote:

oh an i am replying to comments on here to get the facts out so people like your selfs can stop going rouud thinking u know whats going on an clearly you dont have a clue !!!!!! an we was going to do a garden fpr tony hence the fact the talks with the vicor to go an collect his stuff sorry i feel like i am constantly repeating my self WE AGREED TO MOVE TONYS TRIBUTES BUT THE BEFOR THE VICOR COULD SORT IT OUT AFTER BEING TOLD TO LEAVE EVERY THING ALONE PEOPLE THREW THEM IN THE BIN i cant say it any clearer than that seriously u people need to learn to read whats in front of you and not what you think you have read !!!!!!!

03 Sep 2010 10:52 PM

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louise farmer wrote:

you people have no idea at all i dont need help i dont want help this as cruel as it sound i hope that one day u go through what we have been through im not living in the past at all i have now a place of my own an a baby on the way all im bloody asking is for a bit of respect from people which is hard to come across these days tony would have gone mad if he was alive an this story was in the paper about some one else so who eva u disrespectfull shallow narrow minded people think you are an think u know us an knew tony u dont have the first idea i suggest that you all got an learn about respect an start treating other humans with it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

03 Sep 2010 10:47 PM

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memories wrote:

Knowing the family on a friendly bases and having seen young tony grow up from a wee boy ....its so sad to read the tributes and flowers left for him have been cleared and binned,but i feel that its now been over 15months since his tragic death...and as such a happy bubbly young man himself..he would not have wanted all this sadness amongst his family.....he would like to be remembered by people who loved him by smiles and laughter not flowers and poems.And LOUISE TIME WILL HEAL THE PAIN,NOT KEEPING LIVING ON THE PAST MY DEAR THAT ONLY PROLONGS THE PAIN .

03 Sep 2010 3:53 PM

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Louise wrote:

Margretta is right. Louise, you MUST get some professional help in order to come to terms with your loss. The pain and anger will not go away alone. The help brought by the family can only be limited.
It is clear that you need to talk about this tragedy in order to "evacuate" the pain you feel. Writing in continual response to comments that appear not to show the compassion you seek,will not help you.

03 Sep 2010 10:07 AM

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margretta wrote:

having read this story and all the comments i must say i find it all very disturbing,being a local resident i feel that its eighteen months or so since the death of mr farmer,and yes flowers/tributes at that shocking time was exceptable,but not to make it into a street shrine now ,the way you feel at present louise may i suggest you seek counciling over your sad loss.A comment left by someone else was to make your own private garden memorial a quiet place for you all to grieve in privacy

02 Sep 2010 9:30 PM

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louise farmer wrote:

THANK YOU LEE finaly some one one here that seems to wright a bit of sence the reason why i went to the papers about this is to show just how discusting somepeople can be not for us to ba allowed to continue laying flowers an momentoes at the scene were might i add was tended to once a week so was not an eye sore an it was not out the front of any ones door it is not seen from the road unless you know were to look or stop for ages an look for it i am at an utter discrase that some of you find the actions of some people acceptable especially when we were in talks with the vicor as to when he wanted the stuff removed an a small placue erected which was what was discussed an agreed some of you need to read to article an put your selfs in mine an my families shoes i am not asking for every death site to be scattered with flowers im getting out ther how totaly an utterly discusting disrespectfull an imoral some people can be if i had someones child brother sister mum any one die right on my front door i would not have the heart to remove them even if i had to step ova them every day but hey maybe thats just me an iv got more respect an understanding of the human race all people morn in there own ways an its still very fresh in everyones minds with it onli just being a year so to those whom think we should move on an be ova him now think of the person whom you love so so much an then one night a police man tells you they are dead an they know its him coz they got the driving licence out of his back pocket an the ambulance crew couldent do any thing for him as he was alredy dead now all of you b4 writing any horrid disrepectfull comments think of an do that now when you feel like you will neva smile again neva enjoy any thing again not want to get out of bed as every were u look or go reminds u of them then some one throws his stuff away in the bin an then read these comments dosent make you feel any betta does it i hope that none of you have to experiance what me an my family have been through coz its the hardest thing eva an has killed a massive part in me that i will neva get back but if you do jusat remenber what u have wrote on here again thank you lee for being so understanding

02 Sep 2010 5:32 PM

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maidofkent wrote:

I'm sorry for the famuly's loss, but life goes on and so should they. Plant a tree this autumn in memory of Tony.

02 Sep 2010 10:22 AM

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Lee wrote:

Louise, first of all my condolences on the loss of your brother. Please treat the heartless comments with the utter disgust and contempt they deserve.

I think the whole point of this article was not to debate whether a shrine should or should not be put at the place of death but it's about the heartless way in which the momentoes were disposed of, which was clearly unacceptable. Louise has said they were liaising with the vicar to place a memorial. Was there any need to bag the items up and throw them out with the rubbish? I personally do not see a problem with placing a small placque or plant at the site where some poor sod has lost his life (regardless of the circumstances Angry of Tunbridhe Wells). Just maybe it might save another life by making us slow down, driver safer etc, or at the very least it could remind us about the unlucky ones who tragically lost their lives and hopefully might shame some people into showing a little bit of compassion for the families left behind. Sadly, compassion seems to be lacking these days.

02 Sep 2010 9:52 AM

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Emma wrote:

It's pretty heartless to throw away memorials, and if they're that distracting to drivers - why then are people allowed to drive past monuments or streets full of distracting things?
Maybe a tree, some plants or a plaque would be better suited, but removing the memorial is disrespectful to Tony and those that love him. The disrespect is the worst part, not that people didn't go the very best way about mourning him, we all mourn differently.
Condolences to the family.

01 Sep 2010 9:49 PM

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anchor joy wrote:

As sad as it is to loose someone,i believe there is a place to go and place your tributes,messages and flowers which is called a graveyard,or crematorium,i think its dangerous when people leave flowers etc in a place where someones died,your eyes always wander off the road whilst driving,and it looks an eyesore when they are dead and wilting,i would not want it outside my property !!! the family did not report it to the police....havent the police got enough to do when attending the scenes of drunk drivers

01 Sep 2010 8:53 PM

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Mick wrote:

I have worked in the funeral business for 30 plus years and seen some horrific scenes we collect what the ambulances crews leave behind. My job has taught me to live each day as my last because one day it will be.
Those who Grieve do so in their own way it is not for others to dictate what and what not is the right way.

01 Sep 2010 7:22 PM

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Simon wrote:

I think that what Ian describes, having seen this in New-Zealand is an excellent compromise. It is respectful, discreet and not distracting to drivers. I think these roadside "shrines", when made in such a manner are a constant reminder to drivers to "ease-up". In a village in France recently, on a stretch of road, notorious for fatal accidents, the local council put up life-size black silhouettes, for every victim over the past years. There were dozens, at once shocking and sinister: very effective for a while....

01 Sep 2010 6:54 PM

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Paul wrote:

Louise, I think most people, whatever their views, sympathise with the pain you and your family are going through. Most people will have experienced the loss of someone close, be it expected, or sudden, someone old, or someone lost well before their time. That someone took these momentos away without warning and treated them with such disrespect is heartless to say the least. However (you knew it was coming), why should a car crash victim's death be marked with a memorial and a heart attack victim's not? Why should a young person's life be marked, but a middle-aged or old person's not? Unfortunately, if every person's death was marked with indefinite memorials at the place they lost their life, everywhere you looked there would be memorials. Therefore, I can't agree that the people who have left comments opposing a memorial are heartless. Chances are these are people who know exactly what it's like to lose someone suddenly.

01 Sep 2010 6:13 PM

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louise farmer wrote:

to mystery b that is what was supose to happen hence the vicor supose to be sorting it out but b4 he did it the people threw my brothers stuff in the bin

01 Sep 2010 5:47 PM

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Mystery B wrote:

Might a small memorial plaque, erected with the full consent and agreement of the local council, not be a more appropriate and discreet yet visible tribute to a loved one?
Merely a thought.

01 Sep 2010 5:30 PM

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louise farmer wrote:

to those of you who have left the hartless comments put your selfs in mine an my familys shoes an how would you feel if it was your son or brither who died there we attented the site every week along with alot of his friends its how we feel at dealing with the sudden shock just imagine seeing your son brother alive an normal at half 8 talking to him on the phone at half 9 then being woke up at 11pm saying he is dead i am totlay appalled at the total an utter direspest people have an if every one had the propa facts not thinking they knew what happened tony was just over the limit as he had onli just drunk a pint of shandy as the pub he was in verafied this the site cannot be seen from any houses an unless you know were to look from the road either having his things that people had took the time thorght and effort to leave just thrown away like an old backed bean can when told by the vicor to leave it alone as he will lease with us wen to remove it i feel that the people from the house not the authorities who removed it lack any common human decienciey an should be fully ashamed of them selfs as they have children i hope that one of them dosent later in life die suddenly an what they do to find comfort an try to get over the shock dosent get tossed away an break them down that bit more !!!!!!!

01 Sep 2010 4:07 PM

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ian wrote:

Yes, these memorials can be a distraction for drivers and in themselves cause accidents. However, when on holiday last year in New Zealand we saw more poignant reminders of road deaths which I feel are more of a warning to others than flowers etc. Apparently in NZ at the scene of a fatal crash friends and family erect a small white cross as a memorial and reminder to the deceased. The cross is only about a foot high but if there has been a crash where several people were killed then there are crosses for each victim. This seems to me to bring home the dangers of driving more than flowers etc.

01 Sep 2010 3:07 PM

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stuart wrote:

I can see both sides and no one is right or wrong here, some people feel comfort from shrines some don’t, although I do believe that the majority are an eyesore and a distraction on our roads. As a member of the emergency services I can already remember the majority of fatalities and serious injuries that I have attended in 22 years and the awful sights that greet us on occasions. I know it’s the job I chose and I’m happy to continue, however I certainly do not wish to be reminded of those sights whilst driving to the shops, going to work or taking my daughter to school. Graveyards or memorial gardens are designed for that not the side of roads! Condolences to the young gentleman’s family and friends

01 Sep 2010 1:58 PM

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Jock wrote:

Very tragic, and a very difficult situation. I can see why people feel the need to leave roadside memorials. But where does it stop ? Shrines for everyone at the place where they drop ?

This is not the first instance of authorities removing tributes, and I'm sure it wont be the last.

The whole point of a cemetary or graveyard is to offer a place of rest and respect. Surely it would be better to reflect and remember departed love ones in a place like this, rather than by the side of a road.

01 Sep 2010 1:21 PM

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Kentgirl wrote:

I think to say people should move on is a harsh as anyone who has lost a relative or friend will know you never forget.

I understand that tributes can become an eyesore if not regularly tended to remove dead flowers etc, and in some cases are actually a distraction to road users - perhaps a compromise could be reached allowing the family to plant a tree or something with a plaque for Tony instead? This way it's a lasting tribute without becoming an eyesore.

01 Sep 2010 11:50 AM

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Angry of Tunbridhe Wells wrote:

It is high time these mawkish Diana-esque 'tributes' and 'shrines' ceased. The most ludicrous one I have seen recently is the huge "Joe" in decaying flowers stuck on a sign on the M25 near Clacket Lane.

I'm sure Tony Farmer was a very nice chap (as far as drink drivers can be nice) but the proper place to mourn loved ones is at their graveside - not wherever friends and relatives dictate.

01 Sep 2010 10:16 AM

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jan wrote:

very sad. It is very easy to tell people to move on, but not so easy to actually do it when it is your loved one. Very heartless action by somebody. Having said that, i have been in the same position, and you do have to accept that the spot where they died, is not where they had fond memories, or where they are now. It helped us to make a small memorial garden in our own property, where we had happy memories of her when she was alive. we could lay flowers and tributes, and see them all the time, as well as remember her sitting there smiling when she was alive. I hope the family can find some form of comfort in the future.

01 Sep 2010 10:12 AM

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Disgraced wrote:

It doesn't matter how long it's been since He passed away, something like that is never forgotten and there way of showing there love is to put flowers, poems and messages down. It's personal to them and no one should ever take that away! Eye sore or not, no one should do that. It's disgraceful. The massive potholes outside my house are an eye sore, not a shrine for a young man who passed away! Best wishes to the family x

01 Sep 2010 10:11 AM

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Lord Know wrote:

As sad and upsetting as the loss of a young life is i suspect that the tributes were "swiped" because they had become an eyesore. It is now well over a year since this young man died it is about time his grieving family and friends came to terms with his passing. If one has any belief's at all then you will know how much he loved you all and how much you loved him. He will always live in your hearts you do not need a bunch of flowers to tell him that he knows that.

01 Sep 2010 9:03 AM

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