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Kexit: What would an independent Kent look like after Brexit as internal border announced


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Following the news that an internal border will be established in Kent Ed McConnell imagines what an independent county could look like.

The year is 2021 and you join me on what history will undoubtedly call the first days of the Republic of Kent. Welcome.

It's been 1,273 years since this county was last a Kingdom. Back then people named things like Hengest, Swæfberht and finally Eadberht I ruled the Garden of England.

The flag of an independent Kent
The flag of an independent Kent

Some of the monarchs even had names my keyboard won't let me type - imagine that!

After Eadberht shuffled off this mortal coil Anglo-Saxon Kent became a sub-kingdom of Mercia, which is a bit like your company being bought by a bigger company.

But that was a millenia ago and despite some appearing nostalgic whenever the Saxons are brought up it's unlikely they would have particularly enjoyed that period in our county's history.

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It's now been four months since Michael Gove announced the establishment of an internal border in the county and set the ball rolling for 'Kexit'.

Doom mongers immediately leapt on the announcement made by Mr Gove, who is now our patron saint, but many of their nightmare predictions haven't come true and the 7,000-lorry queue is only a smidgen longer than that, stretching to Luton instead of Westminster.

The passport of an independent Kent
The passport of an independent Kent

At the very start of our independence thoughts turned to establishing our capital city.

History favoured Maidstone or Canterbury but immediately Medway Council demanded it should be Chatham, much to the bemusement of the good folk of Rochester.

The world's shortest war broke out, a man shouted threateningly from the doors of Chatham's Wetherspoon and Rochester immediately yielded.

In the end it was all for nothing as Ashford, whose population is now 70% hauliers, said we should at the very least give them capital status, especially given construction is now under way to make the town's lorry park multi-storey.

Moreover, it is of course home to the Great Wall of Kent, unearthed during initial ground works at the lorry park site and believed by some to be Saxon.

Many claimed it wasn't Saxon at all but they stopped protesting when it was suggested it could be turned into a lucrative historical theme park.

The 'Saxon' wall found at Ashford's post-Brexit lorry park
The 'Saxon' wall found at Ashford's post-Brexit lorry park

I'm just popping into the corner shop to buy the Kent Messenger, now a national paper, do you want me to get you anything?

No, don't be silly, I can't use that money, we changed our currency on day one.

Now £20 notes are emblazoned with the head of Kelly Brook, tenners feature James Jordan and fivers Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer. All, of course, bear the image of our Queen, Tracey Crouch, who was elected on Twitter after a Ladbrokes post went viral.

Pete Doherty, now the great pretender to the throne, fled to France aboard a ship fashioned from the giant plate he once ate the mega breakfast off - his driving ban apparently unenforceable in international waters.

It's not all good fun, our country's number one export is now pollution and many have complained that the national dish of Gypsy Tart is not at all versatile or even particularly pleasant.

Pete Doherty has fled to France for the purposes of this article
Pete Doherty has fled to France for the purposes of this article

Of course, the border had to be established somewhere and severing north and south Dartford was unfortunate but necessary.

Now Bluewater is like one massive airport duty free while doubling up as an enormous customs check point - you can now buy a milkshake there for less than £10, bliss.

The economy in one town in this part of Kent, which I will not name for fear of reprisals, is now 90% fake Kent Access Permits, also known as Kermits, and 10% bottled water.

Priestfield - Kent's Wembley Picture: Barry Goodwin
Priestfield - Kent's Wembley Picture: Barry Goodwin

We still have sport to get us through and our national side, Gillingham FC, have a 100% record so far, a combination of travel restrictions, FIFA regulations and the lingering threat of coronavirus meaning they can only play their reserves in recognised international matches.

They walk out on to the hallowed Priestfield turf to the sound of our national anthem - (There'll be Bluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover performed by adopted Kentish woman Sheridan Smith to the accompanied shrieks of delighted Morris Dancers.

All in all it's not bad, sure we're not allowed to leave and even if we were would struggle to do so as the M20 now holds the dubious world record of the slowest motorway on earth, and sure we haven't seen the sun since January 3 but who needs light anyway?

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