Waiting staff in waistcoats and ties, £320 bottles of Champagne and rock oysters listed on the bar snacks menu - Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

At least, it doesn’t feel like Kent.

While outside, The Swan in West Malling may look like an unassuming country pub, inside you’d be forgiven for thinking you’d stepped into a swanky London wine bar.

If the formal attire of the bartenders hadn’t already given it away, then the décor does - this is a premium place.

Padded leather stools flank the marble counter of this historic former coaching inn, surrounded by luxurious panelling and velvet chairs. Texturely, it’s like a luxury sensory playground for adults - only I don’t think they’re too keen on you going round touching it all.

Fresh from a sweaty walk around the market town on a sweltering day, and feeling a little unworthy in my Primani outfit, I perched at the bar to browse the refreshments.

There’s an overwhelming selection of wine, beer and spirits - I counted a whopping 47 gins - but as per I was drawn by the cocktails, which were intriguingly unconventional and featured ingredients I’ve never seen on a drinks menu before, including bee pollen, goji berries, and a tropical plant called pandan. Nope, me neither!

I settled on the Chocolate Martini, mainly because it sounded vaguely revolting.

As well as the chocolate vodka (very good), egg, cognac (I’m with you so far), and raspberry (ok, maybe), it featured lavender and hibiscus syrup (hold on, what?)

Surely that would be like adding potpourri to perfection? There’s surely a reason Nestlé hasn’t released a lavender Lion bar?

My drinking partner took a different tack and went for a drink he anticipated he would actually enjoy. The Geisha featured Żubrówka Vodka from Poland, Japanese-favourite yuzu liqueur, French elderflower liqueur St Germain, as well as passion fruit and egg white - quite the air miles for one drink!

Upon ordering, my feeling of being in the city only increased, as we barely got eye contact from our server, who did a splendid job of making the drinks but couldn’t be coaxed into a smile. It was like being back on the tube.

It wasn’t long before I had the smirk knocked off my own face, though, when I realised how wrong I’d been about my drink’s flavour combinations. It was superb.

I’d been craving a Chocolate Martini since the gorgeous one I’d had at The Pier Ceylon, and this one was next level.

The florals were muted enough to add depth to the drink, and it did not taste, as I had feared, like downing the contents of a reed diffuser. The Swan 1: Me 0.

My drinking buddy, meanwhile, who had been very happy with his tangy tipple until he’d had a sip of mine, was left with major cocktail envy.

As it was his birthday, and because this London-style bar also had London prices (I was already £25 down), I retired at this point and let him choose a final drink.

The George Bishop’s Bramble (gin, apricot liqueur, Luxardo Maraschino, lime, lemon, and honey) was a nice twist on the usual blackberry fare, and refreshing on this particularly hot summer’s day, although not as memorable as the other two we’d tried.

I should say at this point that what I’ve described is only a small part of what The Swan has to offer. Most of the space is given over to a highly-rated restaurant, and most of the people through its doors, many weighed down with balloons, cakes and other special occasion paraphernalia, were destined for that part of the building.

Possibly because of that, the bar area seemed to have been chosen as a spot for regular team conflabs where the drinkers were vastly outnumbered by waiting staff standing around conferring, presumably, about the night ahead. It did just give off the vibe that we weren’t the main focus, though, and that the real VIPs were on the way.

Perhaps they were - The Swan does have a £300-a-year members’ club offering special perks.

It might be me bristling around places that have an air of exclusivity, our bartender’s coolness, or quite possibly, because I was worried about leaving sweat stains on that lovely leather, but I was never able to fully relax, despite loving the drinks and adoring the interior design here.

Catch up with the Secret Drinker’s latest review here

That and my glandular embarrassments aside though, it was a welcome change not to have to tramp up to London to get the feel of a trendy city bar.

Yes, £13 is a lot for a cocktail, but then again, I didn’t have to pay £30 for a train, and then have to ride the vomit comet home surrounded by a chorus of rustling McDonald’s bags - regrettably, me included.

And unlike many other town centres I’d encountered, I didn’t have to spend out on parking to come here - it’s free on the High Street after 5.30pm.

All said and done, I think it’s great that I can now ditch the West End for West Malling.

The cocktails are interesting, and with its premium feel this bar is definitely one to bear in mind for a special occasion. Ditching the Scampi Fries for a plate of rock oysters might just take a bit of getting used to, for me at least, though.

The Swan, Swan Street, West Malling, ME19 6JU

Décor: Striking and classy, what’s not to like? *****

Drinks: A huge list, and I’ve heard good things about their wine selection. The cocktails were unusual, and that Chocolate Martini was particularly memorable *****

Price: Pretty steep, but then you do save on a train into town. House cocktails range from £12-13.50, draft beers start at £7.40, or of course, there’s the £320 Champagne **

Staff: Professional, but to the point of being a tad cold **

Best for: Special occasions