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by Lee Winter

lwinter@thekmgroup.co.uk

In the next month or so my beloved and I will be escaping
the clutches of SE London for a new life in the shire.
There's going to be a lot to get used to, not least
talking to people without breaking into a 'Are they about
to mug me sweat?'

For the past 13 years we've got used to avoiding eye
contact on tubes and talking in whispers or talking then
sprinting at speed through moving traffic but now that is all
set to change thanks to our imminent move to
Rochester. To help us on our journey we have sorted
out an acclimatisation programme to prepare us for life
outside the hood - it includes talking to the people of
Kent and immersing ourselves in local culture.

Last weekend we did the Fuse Festival, Medway's annual
arts showcase which I've been going on about to Sarah ad
finetum ever since a photographer called in with a tall
tale about dinosaurs running amok in the former Cathedral
city chasing shoppers and stealing hats.

Donning our nifty urban survival suits we headed
into Chatham for the opening weekend of this year's
shenanigan ready to watch the locals at play -starting
with a pillow fight under the Sir John Hawkins flyover.

The kids loved it easily beating the guy with the pillow on his
head - described by the MC as 'The Gimp' who may I
suspect have suffered from duck
down allergies. He would have fare much better with
a plumped up polyester cotton mix.

Over at the New Arts Cafe in Chatham Sarah and I made our debut
in the one man, one woman show called Etiquette starring er
us. Without wishing to spoil the plot I played an angst
ridden philosopher called Man A, while Sarah did a
sterling job as a prostitute.

The play involved us being fed our lines by headphone
and sticking blu tack on plastic figurines and dipping a
pipette in ribena. The audience lapped it up proving so
brilliant it cleared the room.

Down by the riverside Chatham's entire youth population appeared
to have been imprisoned at a RAF Association club gig and
music session. It could have been a smoking area but looked
suspiciously like Guatanamo.

We caught a bit of the parade which
included a fantastic dance routine but to be honest it
could have done with a few more people involved - it
looked like it might have been a credit
crunch victim - and more people watching. Saying the few who
did watch it heading down the High Street were more than chuffed
with the Bollywood display.

The fireworks were also excellent with the added excitement of
zigzag driving from the carpark to escape the landing spot
of falling stars and rockets.

This weekend the main festival action moves to
Rochester including Danza Antigua - involving the living dead
on stilts - at Rochester Castle Gardens from 10pm on Saturday
and a mystery Medway safari from noon.

For the latest details visit: www.fusefestival.org.uk

What have you thought of this year's festival? Leave your
comments below or email medwaymessenger@thekmgroup.co.uk