It was positively frosty in the Long Hop and The Apprentice and I soon realised we were ill-equipped going into this Sittingbourne pub wearing just hefty jumpers.

Anyone in the know was kitted out in thick coats, hats, scarves and gloves to protect against the chilly atmosphere.

The barmaid was operating a one-woman show and any tasks which needed to be undertaken on a Sunday afternoon were all going to fall to her.

The main business of the day seemed to be setting up an open mic night and large amounts of musical equipment were being hauled in, the main advantage being the place actually seemed to warm up a little when the door was left open.

There was a couple sitting on a bench, well protected against the icy temperatures, who were acting as gatekeepers and carefully assessing any newcomers through the door.

The barmaid had popped outside to wash down the windows, possibly to try and warm up, so, fearful of being frozen to the spot, I decided to move around too.

I invested in the jukebox and, whilst doing so, did notice the radiator near it, despite being totally ineffectual, was actually working. I then stepped down to the bottom bar to chat to the guys setting up and offered to carry in some gear but they politely declined saying it helped to keep them warm.

In the bottom bar the ceiling is covered in cotton wool and as I was inspecting this curious phenomenon when a fellow offered to demonstrate its purpose and flicked a switch on the wall. It temporarily flashed in multicolours before settling on a shade of pink/purple and he explained it had been put up for effect one Halloween and had remained in place ever since.

Keen to stay active, I foolishly decided to make another investment and inserted a £10 note into the old fashioned-style fruit machine which promptly swallowed my money, glitched out and flashed more furiously than the overhead cotton wool lighting.

The barmaid had finished cleaning two panes of glass and was now rooting through a store cupboard so I told her the machine had taken my cash without even a spin. She said she wasn’t surprised as it had done exactly the same thing with another customer’s money the previous evening so she’d had to switch it off. When I then asked why it had been switched on again today she offered no response, and whilst she refused to refund me my tenner she took my details and promised to make contact in a day or two.

There was only one ale available on tap, a 3.8% Gadds No 7 session bitter, and to be fair, it was probably the only thing that may have benefitted from the cooler environment. The Apprentice opted for a pint of Cruzcampo and reckoned it was worth the extra 90p - I wasn’t so sure and was glad I chose the Gadds.

As well as the defunct fruit machine there’s a dartboard, the aforementioned jukebox, a shelf hung upside-down for no apparent reason, a couple of TV screens and small sections with stacked up furniture.

There is also a split screen showing CCTV images from around the pub which the barmaid kept an eagle eye on so she could shoot out to challenge anyone who parks in any of the spaces at the side of the pub – I assume she must be plagued by non-customers taking advantage.

We were peckish and, having seen Tuesday was curry night, I asked whether food was being served today? The answer was no and I was told curry night had been in definitely cancelled as it involved 18 hours of preparation time and had been deemed no longer cost-effective.

We had a couple of bags of crisps for £3 instead and The Apprentice decided to have a Jameson and coke, rather than face another cold lager.

Meanwhile, I popped to the gents, where the temperature was possibly down another degree or two. The toilet itself wasn’t too bad but I was concerned by the DIY job on the hand drier – packing out the bracket with a huge stack of old beer mats can’t be a good fix.

I’m not sure what time the open mic session was starting but back in the bar we finished our drinks as hastily as possible and bid our hostess a fond farewell.

Over recent months several readers have encouraged me to visit the Long Hop and I wasn’t sure why? Having visited, I’m still not clear what they thought I’d find but I’d still ask the same question – Why?

I would say it’s difficult to enjoy anything once the cold’s got into your bones, but other than that, the parking and the dodgy fruitie it seems okay enough for a rough and ready local boozer.

At the time of going to press I haven’t been contacted about my lost tenner but I’ll make a call and arrange to pop in and collect it when I’m back that way.

THE LONG HOP, 80 KEY STREET, SITTINGBOURNE ME10 1YU

Décor: Well-worn and scruffy with furniture and other stuff stacked up around the place. The lit-up cotton wool ceiling decoration warrants mention as does the DIY job on the drier in the gents. **

Drink: It’s always better to make sure you’ve got one good ale on tap rather than trying to serve more, less well. The Gadds No 7 session bitter was a decent example and The Apprentice’s drinks were fine. ***

Price: The Gadds No 7 was under a fiver at £4.70, a Cruzcampo was about average at £5.60 and a Jameson and coke was £5, sadly £1.50 for a packet of crisps is probably par for the course these days too. ***

Staff: It was strictly a one-woman show and you should expect to have your parking credentials checked before being welcomed. The barmaid returned from window cleaning and sorting the storeroom as quickly as she could when someone needed serving. ***

Catch up on all Secret Drinker's Kent pub reviews here -

Click here to follow Secret Drinker on X

Want more Secret Drinker? Sign up here for his monthly newsletter