Even a very generous fellow, on a day when he’s feeling at his most upbeat and cheery, would have to score the kerb appeal of the Milton Ale Shades as a zero.

I’d spotted the blackened, tired-looking frontage of this Gravesend boozer a few times and, after questioning if it was still in business, wondered what sort of welcome it might offer?

I never tell my Apprentice where we’re heading as I like to maintain the element of surprise as long as possible – on this occasion, I managed to keep him in suspense right up to the moment we stopped on East Milton Street.

The choice at the bar was simple: Fosters; Strongbow; Stella; John Smiths; Guinness.

We were informed there is usually a larger selection available but many of pumps were ‘off’ because they were waiting for a delivery.

After a little while, and against my better judgement, I selected a John Smiths but The Apprentice didn’t hesitate for a second and ordered up a pint of the black stuff. This caused a little kerfuffle for barmaid Lisa as apparently the Guinness contraption is beyond her capabilities and she needed to call in help.

Help arrived in the shape of the lady in a cartoon hoodie, who’d previously been sat at the bar - she might have been the landlady enjoying some downtime.

With our drinks sorted, I had time to turn my attention to my surroundings and decided the interior of Milton Ale Shades is perhaps marginally better than the outside.

Specifically, though not necessarily in this order, I noticed a fish tank on the bar, several items of footie frippery celebrating Chelsea, a mixture of furniture in roughly reasonable condition, a large black phallus plus lots of packets of Frazzles.

The last item on this list had been bought and brought in from a nearby shop to keep a pair of marauding whippersnappers happy and despite their exuberance, they were subject to a fair degree of adult intervention. In fact, everyone took it in turns to cajole/control the nippers.

Unable to contain myself any longer, I asked about the knick-knacks adorning the shelf above the bar and, completely ignoring the elephant in the room ie. the giant black erection, the barmaid informed me the majority were golf trophies won by the landlord.

On the subject of games and pastimes, there are two dartboards here, one to the left-hand side of the pub and the other at the back, an old-fashioned fruit machine and a jukebox.

This latter item was dominated by a lovely gent at the bar who was a real aficionado when it came to 70s and 80s music and, in between sipping his Fosters, treated us to KLF followed by The Jam, Sweet’s Ballroom Blitz and Electric Avenue from Eddie Grant.

There is a mixture of furniture, the majority of it in reasonable nick and the carpet’s okay, the Apprentice was particularly taken with several impressive solid wooden tables.

There was a friendly welcome from just about everyone and most folks stopped to say hello as they made their way out front for a fag. It felt a bit like the old days and whatever else you notice about this place, there’s no denying there’s a ‘salt of the earthiness’ about both the fabric of the place and those choosing to visit it.

As well as a Stamford Bridge sign there was another instruction ‘T shirts or vests to be worn at all times in the bar’, though I reckon I got away with it and my ordinary shirt was also acceptable.

I must just mention the gents, not because they were too bad, or because the drier was out of action and replaced by a £1 kitchen roll, but because the main door was propped open allowing punters to maintain a conversation with others in the bar whilst taking a pee. I closed the door as I felt a little privacy was perhaps called for, at least from the children, though fortunately, I later discovered they’d been taken out on another Frazzle run.

I also chose not to consider the reasons behind the notice on the cubicle door insisting only one punter enter at a time.

You’d have to describe this as a locals’ pub, a boozer where everyone seems to know everyone else and that’s part of its appeal. Inside, it’s certainly a good deal more inviting than it looks from the outside and it’s difficult to imagine there being too many one-off visitors.

But, The Apprentice, who wasn’t sure what to expect at first, said he’d enjoyed his Sunday lunchtime visit to Milton Ale Shades.

MILTON ALE SHADES, 25-26 EAST MILTON ROAD, GRAVESEND DA12 2JL

Décor: Excluding a few bizarre ornaments, the interior is pretty much as you might expect, though I’d have to say it’s a step up on the exterior view. ***

Drink: It wasn’t what you’d call an extensive choice and, although the John Smith’s was okay, it wouldn’t be at the top of my list. The Guinness, I’m told, was fine. **

Price: A pint of Guinness was £4.50, a pint of Stella was £4.50. A pint of John Smith’s was £4.50 – I might be wrong, but it seems the Milton Ale Shades has a blanket approach to pricing! ****

Staff: The barmaid was welcoming and pleasant and, apart from her dislike of the Guinness tap, perfectly efficient. If it was indeed the landlady who stepped up to help, she was also happy to help. ***

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