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Swash Watch - I'm a Celebrity final blog

The jungle's loss is Medway's gain as Joe Swash finally gets out his script.
The jungle's loss is Medway's gain as Joe Swash finally gets out his script.
Medway’s Tara Verloop, who won the role of Cinderella at auditions earlier in the year, said: “It’s fantastic news - the whole cast were keeping their fingers crossed for Joe and we were all really excited when he won."
Medway’s Tara Verloop, who won the role of Cinderella at auditions earlier in the year, said: “It’s fantastic news - the whole cast were keeping their fingers crossed for Joe and we were all really excited when he won."

For the past three weeks former Eastender Joe Swash has been entertaining Hayley in this office - and a few others - with his jungle antics.

The Medway Messenger is already proud to be associated - two days a week - with one former King of the Jungle Tony Blackburn.

Could we be about to get another? Ok so Joe is not about to sign for kmfm at the moment but panto at the Central Theatre, Chatham is the next best thing.

Come back at 8.30pm when I shall do my best to get back from a romantic burger with my beloved to report on the drama - or lack of it now David Van Day has gone. You'll read it all here first - unless you prefer to go somewhere else.


Well I hope you enjoyed that. You can continue the post-show debate by using the SpeakOut or Comment button below. With news so gloomy elsewhere this could be just the ticket for credit crunch cheer.

What does Joe's victory mean for Medway? Could he be the catalyst for further regeneration - especially if he shares a bit of his appearance fee with us?

Will he gain promotion and be shifted up the Panto pecking order from Buttons to Prince Charming? Will he even make rehearsals come Tuesday?

Will he appear in the next Star Trek movie? Will he get a show like Tony B on KMfm. I'm going back to the pub to discuss. It's over to you. Cheers.


Matt [former Busted star of course and Jungle king] and some TV presenter Emma Wills have handed over a crown.

Who will meet him on the other side of the bridge - his mum? or Bianca and Ricky? Ah it's his mum. She doesn't look like she would take messing with. Beware anyone who chucks fruit at her boy next week.


Joe in his exit interview says he found eating bush tucker more traumatic than anything else in his jungle life, having avoided his other fear of jumping out of a plane.

They're showing Joe's splendid row when he put a London Mayoral candidate in his place. Look out Boris in 2012.


Loving the Oliver Twist music gor blimeyness of Joe's best bits. Ah the sheep shearing. Who could forget? He says there have been ups and downs ending on a high. Think he's amazed to have won. Says he has come out a much more mature man but could just be he needs a shower or as my gran used to prefer - a flannel.


Esther says Joe made her feel like a woman. The rest say nice things too. And here he is to drink his champers and to sit in a throne to watch his highlights - which unlike David Van Day's are completely natural apparently.


I just had my first blog mishap at crunchtime. At least a tree of puns and wonder lost.. Suffice to say the winner is still Joe!

It's great news for Medway, which will no doubt bask in his glory for the next few days, neigh months. We can exclusively reveal Medway Council is unlikely to double the price of panto tickets to take advantage of the heightened interest and potential for reducing next year's council tax bills.


Ok they're talking edge of seats. Who is going to win. Where's Sue Barker? Hey, it's Joe - the favourite since the beginning has been unveiled as the 2008 King of the Jungle. Tony Blackburn would be proud and will no doubt offer to stand in if Joe now does a Medway runner.

10.05pm OK standby. The ads are still on. Beyonce is selling some perfume as is some bloke with a fringe with some fragrance for blokes. Soon we'll be back in the jungle for the result. The only thing missing at the moment is Biggins. Did he have one Iceland gateau too many? We'll try and find out.


Ok we're getting close to the result. Ant and Dec are finding out more than they want to know about Joe's toilet habits. Martina wants to be a queen cos there have been others.

Joe thought he wouldn't last the three weeks and thought of scarpering but got into a routine. He says it would be lovely to win but will take whatever comes next. Oh an ad break. Whatever rocks your boat. Where's his staying power?


They're having their dinner and talking French. Portions apparently were gigantic with three weeks of not very much making their eyes proving bigger than their stomachs,

Champagne has helped Joe to lose his shyness around acting legend George who has just burned his pants on the fire. As you do.


George is talking about yomping through the forest only to find a sylvan London bus in the shrubs. In the capital it would be surrounded by police as a potential crime scene.

They're now talking about George's love of Joey and vice versa. Has invited him out to Los Angeles. In return I wonder if there'll be any spare tickets to the Central Theatre for one of Joe's Medway performances. Better hurry up Hayley is threatening to bag all the remaining seats.


George says he is delirious to have got to the final three. Must be something he ate. Just said 'its not beans as he knows it' in his best bits. Loving his Enterpriseisms.


I've been doing a bit of browsing and have discovered what Joe's first line will be when he steps on stage as Buttons next weekend. Reckon it should be easy to remember by the time he lands back at Heathrow.

"Here! What have you done with Cinders, you silly moo?

His second, according to the script I've seen is "Bloomin right! You’ve made a booboo, Foozle."

Panto fans - you're in for a treat.


Ant and Dec are heading into Camp to declare the third placed contestant. I'd say its between Joe or er Martina or George. Ok they're building the tension... And the name is..

George of the Jungle is next to cross the bridge leaving Martina and Joe to fight it out. Thank goodness there are only three left. Anymore and my powers of calculatation and analysis would be severely tested.


They're looking back at the past three weeks. More nice things about Joe. Not so nice images of him munching on grubs.

Was all so friendly early on wasn't it? but then came Mallett and Van Day, the panto villain of the piece and then the fun began and er I started watching.

Still not sure if I'm going to buy the Christmas single.


Right some Jungle Awards being given out while they decide who has got third place. Martina got the Super Woman Oscar. Joe says she's a champion in his heart and would have jumped in her bed if he had remotedly been her type. Probably only saying that cos he's not been getting much kip these past few weeks stuck in the hammock.

Joe is being compared to a medieval renaissance man - a man for all seasons. George is a king among men. Who though [I clearly didn't know how to end this bit] is going to be named as King or Queen of the Jungle.


OK they're showing some of the people we threw out because we didn't want to see again being shown again getting pampered.

Timmy Mallett is about to biff, baff boff by the look of it.

Dani Behr is talking bitching. Nicola who didn't like David very much is still going on about his green hair.

Another break. Another one will get the boot in fiveish minutes. If you ask me it's about time. Joe has lines to learn.


Right they're asking for votes. Martina is happy for anyone to win. George is also grateful and honoured and would be proud to be King of the Jungle. Joe would like to be King, cos it would be the end to a perfect journey. He would be happier than Larry. Who is Larry? How happy is he?


So what now. All bushtucker trials done without much fuss, which quite frankly just won't do. Bring back David Van Day.


Right the last container. OK, snakes which'll hopefully focus on the invertebrates. Oh it looks very friendly.

No more poisonous than some of the other characters already booted out allegedy.

Ah she's won. Something was getting up her nose and one of the critters bit her. How very rude. That would be counted as treason in SW London.


Two stars won. Stick insects next. Can't see how Kate Moss is going to fit in. Oh those sorts. Martina is looking very zen.

Right fourth one - orb and huntsman spiders. This is where I'd be scarpering off court.


She's coping really well with cricket given its not her sport. Sorry couldn't resist. Right burrowing cockroaches next as opposed to lending ones. Darn I did it again.

9.12pm OK she's coming face to face with some grasshoppers and after the break is likely to face some snakes. Back in a bit. Standby.

9.10pm Ok so what has Martina got in store. The last time I saw her she was jumping across a string of Minis [Can you have a string of minis?]

Fill your Face is her task. Involves Jungle critters galore. Being told to keep her mouth shut and not to breath through her nose. I'm no bioligist but isn't that a tad impossible?

9.08pm Great endless repeat Star Trek gag from Ant and Dec. There were others but this is a family blog.

9.06pm Talking of which - Camel testicle or chocolate fudge cake in exchange for a sweet dish. Apparently its a I'm a Celebrity first. George decides to pass but still wins the trio three main courses and some champers.


Dish 4 - a kangaroo penis or a glass of champagne. Asked been denied just being able to eat the surrounding peas. He's going for the one fail swoop option. A bit crunchy and rubbery. You don't see this on Saturday kitchen very often, a sort of post watershed food.


Ok dish three - a witchity grub [just the one] or burger and chips, Joe's fave dish by all accounts.

He's going for the jelly baby head option. Interesting bouquet apparently. He's finding the skin a bit tough. I think it's just a bit underdone.


Back from the break and George is meeting lifeforms he never thought possible while out and about with Kirk and Co. He's finding his latest dish a bit toasty. He'll be doing a Jilly Goulden next saying it has a concrete edge with tarpaulin frills.


Apparently they taste quite savoury - the cockroaches that is. The lasagne looked a bit overdone for my liking.

Dish two - locusts or thai curry and rice.


George has the classic old skool bushtucker trial. Dish one 3 cockroaches or lasagne. Tricky choice.


They're now looking at lizards although George Takei has mind focused on getting the main course in his bush trial. Hoping he uses some Spock mind melding to get himself through. great use of the word malaeovance [has anyone got spell check?]


Martina has said how proud she is of Joe. Watch out for the exclusive in a few weeks when she chooses the ex soap sud as her new doubles partner at Wimbledon.


If on the off chance you're reading this while watching the show let us know what you think. Just use the Speak Out or Comment bit at the bottom.


Some very gentle whingeing from our hero Joe. He is doing the blow your cheeks out like you're playing a tuba relaxation technique. It's a matter of time before he says his first "Gor Blimey."

He seems to be taking being nibbled by rats very well. Mistook a spider for a leaf. Excellent stuff he's done it. Thank the lawd Medway Council leisure chiefs didn't choose the Pied Piper of Hamelyn as this year's panto.

8.40pm They're having to do something nasty most prob in exchange for a three course meal. Joe is talking about giving something his best shot and his best knockings.

Joe is first up on this, his last bush tracker. The prize, a starter.

Danger down under is the name of the game. He has to get in a hole in darkness for 10 minutes in exchange for some sort of special beverage. Have turned out the lights in support.

He says he scared but has his first Chatham panto audience to face next weekend so this'll be a breeze.

8.37pm They're all talking maths. Joe would be glad to come first, second or third which is good given the numbers still in the contest.


So here we go...

Its a miracle I got here in time for the opening credits. Just had my own bush tracker trial running across the urban jungle from the pub.

They're all getting slushy. Joe is talking about the perfect journey. Hopefully he's got the Central Theatre popped into his SatNav.

So who has got the best chance of winning? A man who travelled the galaxy, a nails tennis champion or a market stall holder from Walford.

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