You need an axe to get into the gents, an alien is crawling out of the toilet cistern and you’re watched by a deer with arms and legs for antlers – normally this would warrant a headline, but such things pale into insignificance here.

I’d already passed a policeman in a fur coat and yellow sunglasses who’d warned me about entering the pub in muddy boots.

From outside it looks for all the world like a derelict storage area for a fairground, but the second we stepped through the door of the Timber Batts in Bodsham, Sarah immediately bid us welcome.

But nothing can prepare you for the assault on your senses and, as your eyes adjust from the bright light outside to the gloom inside, the characters around you gradually come into focus – some are in mannequin form, others are human, in the form of locals, fascinated to witness the reactions of visitors to this remarkable pub.

Ross, Sarah and family took up residence at this 15th century free house seven years ago and have been stamping their unique mark on it ever since.

When you visit this most incredible boozer you are a guest, a very welcome guest, but make no mistake about it, you visit this most fantastic place on their terms. It is welcoming, wonderfully quirky, ferociously, non-politically correct and punky, but it makes no excuse for its unique approach and you must accept it and enjoy it.

Believe me, if you have a love for real pubs, run by real, caring down-to earth people you’ll fall for this place immediately.

There might be plenty of signs reading ‘Straight outta Bodsham’ wherever you look, and there’s no denying the pub is well rooted at the heart of its community, but the signs could just as easily read ‘Straight from another planet!’

Ironically, there were times I felt transported to Jamaica. For a start there was the music selection, a wonderful mix of reggae and ska (Fire by the Gentlemen’s Dub Club and The Skalites’ Magic were just two examples). Then there was the food, where else would you find goat and gumbo?

The food itself is worthy of special mention but, again, it’s difficult to do it justice so I will simply share the following: stacks of stuff is homemade; the special we chose to share was a pulled rabbit burger; one pudding is candy floss; Sarah is a wonder in the kitchen.

This is not your standard pub grub – it is a different experience, with local stuff cooked especially for you. Like everything else, leave your usual expectations at the door.

We were introduced to our waitress Charlie, who’s started working here mainly because she loves the place so much. She was bubbly, friendly and happy to make suggestions – the decision to try BFB was all down to her.

I had no idea what it might be, but it turned out to be a selection of well-known biscuits battered and deep fried before being served with cream. Incredibly moreish and probably a heart attack waiting to happen, I loved them but was glad that we were sharing as they’re incredibly rich.

Mrs SD was much better than me at guessing the biscuits from their shape – bourbon, custard cream, jammy dodger.

There was an odd vegan/vegetarian option, which I’m sure would be just as weird and wonderful as the full-on meaty options, but bear in mind there’s also dead ducks, skins and other trophies hanging about the place and hunting pictures on the wall – this is a proper rural pub, with old fashioned traditions.

Oh, I got carried away and almost forgot, I need to tell you about the beer.

Ross just keeps one draught beer as he’s decided it’s better to do one really well, than keep several that aren’t drunk regularly enough and therefore can’t be kept as well as he would like. It changes regularly but when we were in was a great, zesty session beer - a 3.6% Fallout from the West Hythe brewery Hopfuzz.

And just when I thought I’d seen everything in the Timber Batts, Mrs SD informed me she was sure the clip on the table holding our menu was a prosthetic hand!

I suppose I could just say this is a great, traditional country pub with unconventional decoration. But, the fact is there is no way I can do it justice.

I sincerely hope you’ll love it as much as I did the second I walked in, but you might decide it’s not for you.

However, if you don’t give this bizarre oddity a try and at least give it a chance to enter your heart you will definitely be the poorer for it. In the words of Arnie: ‘I’ll be back’.

THE TIMBER BATTS, SCHOOL LANE, BODSHAM, ASHFORD TN25 5JQ

Decor: There is absolutely no point in me trying to tell you anything else about this amazing and bizarre boozer. You simply have to experience it for yourself, for me it’s: *****+

Drink: There was a great selection of lagers on, but when it comes to draught beer Ross has taken a decision to do one really well, rather than keep several less well. The Fallout from Hopfuzz Brewery punched above its weight. ****

Food: A pulled rabbit burger with everything homemade – superb. The BFB – a brilliant, bizarre, bumptious dessert (forget your diet!). Leave your pre-conceptions behind and try whatever Sarah is creating. *****

Price: I’m afraid I don’t have a break down, but two pints, two large wines, a shared main course and shared pudding (plenty for both of us) was a total of £42. ****

Staff: We warmed to both Sarah and Ross immediately and you can tell their locals love them. We were personally introduced to our waitress Charlie, who was also a delight. *****

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